Exhausted but Cannot Leave

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been married to my wife for almost 20 years, realized she might be BPD about 3 years ago.  She's not a bad person and we are actually getting along at the moment (that could change any minute for no reason at all).  There are so many issues but I will try to sum up as brief as I can:

1.  She constantly blames me for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in the marriage, with the children, her health, her lack of a career, disrespect from my family, the list goes on.  We have a son together (16) and two grown daughters (24, 27 and technically my stepkids).  Our oldest daughter moved out almost a month ago due to constant clashing with her mom and the other daughter.  The younger daughter and my wife are very close as my daughter is very similar to her and knows better than most how to relate to her.  My daughter is also manipulative and throws everyone under the bus to keep heat off her.  She will lie, twist the truth or anything to keep the heat on the older daughter and also me at times.  My older daughter and I have a closer bond because we both relate to the struggles we both have living in the situation.  She called me today stressed because my wife keeps texting her mean messages or messages trying to guilt her to come back; however she is telling me she doesn't want her back here because she sees "the daughter" as mean and vindictive.  She blames her of everything from breaking things in the house on purpose, to hiding her things to... .the list goes on.  Coincidentally, she does the same to me.  Although, it makes no sense for me to break things I bought and have to replace when it gets broken or missing.  She told me point blank of a few instances where she believes the oldest daughter broke something because she was trying to set me up.  Her reasoning was that my daughter knows that she's not going to think the youngest daughter did it so it always comes down to me and the oldest daughter.  She's accused me of hiding her things, scratching her car, putting stuff in her drink, trying to hurt her on purpose while massaging, etc.

2. Today I found out the younger daughter recently told the older daughter that she was going to set me up for a big conflict with my wife by letting her know that I agreed with her (daughter) over my wife on some occasion and came back to tell her so while supporting (my wife) in front of her.  There are times where my wife rages at her as well but my wife doesn't listen to reason and the daughter came to me to explain.  I heard her out and trying to offer support, told her I could see where she's coming from but could not provide an answer how to get through to my wife.  How do you use someone for support, and then try to use it against them when they get on you about something?  I'm the father, not a sibling or friend!  I didn't trust her before and this confirmed it.

3. My wife blames me for any deficiencies our son has.  He has been babied since birth and catered to, mostly by her, but I will take blame for allowing this to happen.  When he was little, I was very firm and would not listen to anything she tried to say when it came to having him do things and such.  He spends a lot of time playing Madden or talking on the phone in his room and does not like to go anywhere.  He has anxiety when around a lot of people so she blames me for not making him get out and compares me to other fathers who do things and take selfies with their son.  However, I was the one who got him into playing football and basketball when he was younger, went to all of his practices and games (even became a coach on his team), took him to all of his doctor's appointments, shots, went to all of his teacher's conferences, a couple field days and field trips, watch football with him every Sunday, the list goes on.  Also keep in mind that she took him off the football team when I was out of town on business without my consent because "he didn't want to play."  She raged at me for making him take the trash out when he was 15 saying it was too much for him to go do it himself because the trash compactor was around the corner and he probably couldn't work it.  I had already went with him several times and he knew how to use it.  She treats him like he's retarded.  Long story short, she interferes so much that I kind of backed off having him do things because she would get mad.  Now there are a lot of things he doesn't know how to do and she blames me.  The other day, he told her he didn't want her to go with us to drop him off at school because she makes him feel uncomfortable.  She somehow turned the blame around on me.

She claims my family doesn't like her or our daughters and have never accepted them as family.  Every time my aunt talks to her, she pulls something out of the conversation that she took as my aunt jabbing at her.  This time, my aunt was talking to her about her granddaughter and some other kid and didn't ask about the girls or our son.  She said she always does that to throw in her face that she doesn't like them.  I didn't see it that way and an argument ensued with her bringing in the younger daughter to validate her feelings as usual.  She then had her daughter tell me about how I offended her the day before by telling her it was not a good idea for her to have another child because she has a 1 year old now she cannot take care of.  They all live with us and she is not working and can't even take care of herself.  She made a comment about having another child and my wife backed it up because she felt our granddaughter should have a sibling close to her age.  This had come up before on a couple of occasions but they turned it around and said they were joking and didn't like my tone.  She said I disrespect her and the kids all the time but will not disrespect my family.  However, she's the one who curses them out and verbally abuses them.  As a matter of fact, she gets mad at me because I talk to calm to them when they do something wrong.

This is driving me crazy!

[dacoming]

I've been married to my wife for almost 20 years, realized she might be BPD about 3 years ago.  She's not a bad person and we are actually getting along at the moment (that could change any minute for no reason at all).  There are so many issues but I will try to sum up as brief as I can:

1.  She constantly blames me for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in the marriage, with the children, her health, her lack of a career, disrespect from my family, the list goes on.  We have a son together (16) and two grown daughters (24, 27 and technically my stepkids).  Our oldest daughter moved out almost a month ago due to constant clashing with her mom and the other daughter.  The younger daughter and my wife are very close as my daughter is very similar to her and knows better than most how to relate to her.  My daughter is also manipulative and throws everyone under the bus to keep heat off her.  She will lie, twist the truth or anything to keep the heat on the older daughter and also me at times.  My older daughter and I have a closer bond because we both relate to the struggles we both have living in the situation.  She called me today stressed because my wife keeps texting her mean messages or messages trying to guilt her to come back; however she is telling me she doesn't want her back here because she sees "the daughter" as mean and vindictive.  She blames her of everything from breaking things in the house on purpose, to hiding her things to... .the list goes on.  Coincidentally, she does the same to me.  Although, it makes no sense for me to break things I bought and have to replace when it gets broken or missing.  She told me point blank of a few instances where she believes the oldest daughter broke something because she was trying to set me up.  Her reasoning was that my daughter knows that she's not going to think the youngest daughter did it so it always comes down to me and the oldest daughter.  She's accused me of hiding her things, scratching her car, putting stuff in her drink, trying to hurt her on purpose while massaging, etc.

2. Today I found out the younger daughter recently told the older daughter that she was going to set me up for a big conflict with my wife by letting her know that I agreed with her (daughter) over my wife on some occasion and came back to tell her so while supporting (my wife) in front of her.  There are times where my wife rages at her as well but my wife doesn't listen to reason and the daughter came to me to explain.  I heard her out and trying to offer support, told her I could see where she's coming from but could not provide an answer how to get through to my wife.  How do you use someone for support, and then try to use it against them when they get on you about something?  I'm the father, not a sibling or friend!  I didn't trust her before and this confirmed it.

3. My wife blames me for any deficiencies our son has.  He has been babied since birth and catered to, mostly by her, but I will take blame for allowing this to happen.  When he was little, I was very firm and would not listen to anything she tried to say when it came to having him do things and such.  He spends a lot of time playing Madden or talking on the phone in his room and does not like to go anywhere.  He has anxiety when around a lot of people so she blames me for not making him get out and compares me to other fathers who do things and take selfies with their son.  However, I was the one who got him into playing football and basketball when he was younger, went to all of his practices and games (even became a coach on his team), took him to all of his doctor's appointments, shots, went to all of his teacher's conferences, a couple field days and field trips, watch football with him every Sunday, the list goes on.  Also keep in mind that she took him off the football team when I was out of town on business without my consent because "he didn't want to play."  She raged at me for making him take the trash out when he was 15 saying it was too much for him to go do it himself because the trash compactor was around the corner and he probably couldn't work it.  I had already went with him several times and he knew how to use it.  She treats him like he's retarded.  Long story short, she interferes so much that I kind of backed off having him do things because she would get mad.  Now there are a lot of things he doesn't know how to do and she blames me.  The other day, he told her he didn't want her to go with us to drop him off at school because she makes him feel uncomfortable.  She somehow turned the blame around on me.

She claims my family doesn't like her or our daughters and have never accepted them as family.  Every time my aunt talks to her, she pulls something out of the conversation that she took as my aunt jabbing at her.  This time, my aunt was talking to her about her granddaughter and some other kid and didn't ask about the girls or our son.  She said she always does that to throw in her face that she doesn't like them.  I didn't see it that way and an argument ensued with her bringing in the younger daughter to validate her feelings as usual.  She then had her daughter tell me about how I offended her the day before by telling her it was not a good idea for her to have another child because she has a 1 year old now she cannot take care of.  They all live with us and she is not working and can't even take care of herself.  She made a comment about having another child and my wife backed it up because she felt our granddaughter should have a sibling close to her age.  This had come up before on a couple of occasions but they turned it around and said they were joking and didn't like my tone.  She said I disrespect her and the kids all the time but will not disrespect my family.  However, she's the one who curses them out and verbally abuses them.  As a matter of fact, she gets mad at me because I talk to calm to them when they do something wrong.

This is driving me crazy!

[OnceConfused]

I think blaming the world is a very common characters of BPD., esp. toward the non's family side. 

Many of us who have stayed with BPD because we are just too nice to argue, and we don't mind to be the door mat. The problem is that we keep our mouth shut, and thus BPD can keep escalating the attacks without the fear of a backlash.

Well, hang in there my friend. Until you do something to change, your craziness and headaches will continue

[Panda39]

Hi dacoming,

Looks like you are fairly new to the BPD Family, Welcome   

There is a lot going on in your post... .you must be exhausted    I will only address a couple of things, I'm sure other members will add their feedback too.

It sounds like you are often the scapegoat of both wife and younger daughter (does younger daughter exhibit BPD traits as well?).  Not a fun place to be.

Since discovering BPD have you done any reading on the topic?  I hit the library/books with a vengeance and found it really helpful in understanding what was going on with my SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex wife).  I would suggest that if you have not done so already learn what you're up against.

I also wanted to point out the ":)eciding on a direction" box to the right ----->

Click on the "Stop the Bleeding" and that will link you with additional information as will each item in the "Choosing a Path" area.

It sounds like your wife is using what we around here call FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt - Emotional Blackmail) on your older daughter to try and get her to come back.  Your older daughter has made the appropriate decision for a 27 year old.  She is old enough to be living on her own and should be encouraged to do so that is our job as parents to raise our children to be independent functioning adults.  However, for someone with BPD this normal development to independence triggers fear of abandonment (one of the hallmarks of BPD). So from your wife's point of view... .the BPD point of view... .your daughter leaving home has triggered those fears and anxiety.

I'm also rather concerned about your son it sounds like he's hiding out trying to avoid the chaos and the drama going on around him. He may also have some social anxiety? It sounds like you were doing a good job with him getting him involved in sports and all the social interaction that comes with it. I'm sorry that ended.  You have a lot on your plate so how about breaking things into smaller chunks.  Maybe have a special "guys time with your son" get out of the house alone with him (both of you can take a break away from the drama at home) and do things you both enjoy... .the latest marvel super hero flick... .go watch a high school football game... .go into his world and play a video game with him... .miniature golf... .bowling... .you know "guy stuff". Get back in touch with that young man let him know how much he matters to you and show him all those guy skills you have and he needs to learn.  Therapy could be helpful for him to learn to cope with his mom and the social anxiety he appears to exhibit.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

Above are several links one about BPD in general, one about emotional blackmail, and one about enmeshment (that might relate to your middle daughter and her mom)  I also suggest reading other posts if you aren't already so many of us have so many things in common that someone else's thread could relate to your situation.

Hang in there we are here to help and support. 

Panda39

[Lucky Jim]

Hey dacoming, Why do you say that you cannot leave?  What is stopping you?  LuckyJim

[dacoming]

Hi dacoming,

Looks like you are fairly new to the BPD Family, Welcome   

There is a lot going on in your post... .you must be exhausted    I will only address a couple of things, I'm sure other members will add their feedback too.

It sounds like you are often the scapegoat of both wife and younger daughter (does younger daughter exhibit BPD traits as well?).  Not a fun place to be.

Since discovering BPD have you done any reading on the topic?  I hit the library/books with a vengeance and found it really helpful in understanding what was going on with my SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex wife).  I would suggest that if you have not done so already learn what you're up against.

I also wanted to point out the ":)eciding on a direction" box to the right ----->

Click on the "Stop the Bleeding" and that will link you with additional information as will each item in the "Choosing a Path" area.

It sounds like your wife is using what we around here call FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt - Emotional Blackmail) on your older daughter to try and get her to come back.  Your older daughter has made the appropriate decision for a 27 year old.  She is old enough to be living on her own and should be encouraged to do so that is our job as parents to raise our children to be independent functioning adults.  However, for someone with BPD this normal development to independence triggers fear of abandonment (one of the hallmarks of BPD). So from your wife's point of view... .the BPD point of view... .your daughter leaving home has triggered those fears and anxiety.

I'm also rather concerned about your son it sounds like he's hiding out trying to avoid the chaos and the drama going on around him. He may also have some social anxiety? It sounds like you were doing a good job with him getting him involved in sports and all the social interaction that comes with it. I'm sorry that ended.  You have a lot on your plate so how about breaking things into smaller chunks.  Maybe have a special "guys time with your son" get out of the house alone with him (both of you can take a break away from the drama at home) and do things you both enjoy... .the latest marvel super hero flick... .go watch a high school football game... .go into his world and play a video game with him... .miniature golf... .bowling... .you know "guy stuff". Get back in touch with that young man let him know how much he matters to you and show him all those guy skills you have and he needs to learn.  Therapy could be helpful for him to learn to cope with his mom and the social anxiety he appears to exhibit.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

Above are several links one about BPD in general, one about emotional blackmail, and one about enmeshment (that might relate to your middle daughter and her mom)  I also suggest reading other posts if you aren't already so many of us have so many things in common that someone else's thread could relate to your situation.

Hang in there we are here to help and support. 


Thanks!  I don't see BPD traits in the daughter; she just has similar ways if that makes sense.  My son does come out of the room and laughs and jokes with us.  He just spends most of his time in his room on the video game.  My wife admitted that he seems to relate better to me which I've always felt that way.  He opens up when we go to the barbershop or do anything that involves talking sports, mainly about the Cowboys.  We are huge fans!  My wife and daughter took him to the mall with them recently (after some prodding) because he rarely wants to go anywhere.  She said he seemed nervous and anxious around people and detached.  He doesn't look that way with me... .the few times I do get him out.  I used to take him with me to the Sports Bar before we moved to Dallas and he was fine and seemed to enjoy it.  Again, talking sports is his element but he's not comfortable on much else.  He talks a little about music with me and on rare occasion, girls.  He's super shy.  I was the same way when I was little except it wasn't as bad as he exhibits.  But all of the things I like or liked, he naturally does too. 

With the older daughter, she always says she didn't ask her to leave during an incident; however she does everything to make her want to go.  The last time she tried to instigate a fight between the two daughters which I had to break up.  She tells her how she only has one real daughter and she wants nothing to do with her blah blah blah.  She says the meanest things but when people respond or get offended, she switches it around on you. 

Panda39

[dacoming]

Hey dacoming, Why do you say that you cannot leave?  What is stopping you?  LuckyJim

One reason is I truly do love her.  The main reason is the negative effect it would have on our son.  Although he's almost 17, he has a hard time accepting us breaking up.  We had a fight the other day and I got so frustrated that I told her I want out and for us to go our separate ways.  Not sure if my son heard that part, but he heard the arguing back and forth and saw me sleeping in the man cave.  He was bothered and this stuff usually affects him in school.  Also, my wife plans to leave the State with him (unless he decides he wants to stay) if we split, even though we agreed when we moved here this would be the last move so our son could finish school.  He hates moving and it takes him a while to adjust.  Now he's in the 11th grade and she has no qualms about moving him.

[Lucky Jim]

Needless to say, all the arguing between you and your W is having a negative effect on your S, too.  More than likely, your S did hear the part about going your separate ways.  My BPDxW would taunt and goad, and bully me, to the point where sometimes I let some expletives fly.  My kids definitely heard it, which is something I'm not proud of.  It's not my normal style, but a BPD r/s sometimes bring out the worst in each of us.

LuckyJim