Splitting

[Lou12]

Hey everyone would appreciate some feedback from you regarding the technique of the BPDs return after a black split.

I've just read on another forum that when a BPD is about to split you black indefinitely their cycles of splitting tend to be more closer together (ie only white for very short periods) and black for longer. This is happening to me at present, he's triggering sooner than usual, splitting me black down to imagined untrustworthiness, the split white is shorter. I need to prepare myself in case this is the end, has anyone else seen this pattern of splitting before their BPD has disappeared for good?

Or what was their cycle when disappearing for good?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Lou

I suspect I could be in the same position as you though I hadn't heard what you read about the cycles becoming closer and closer together as the final split approaches. My instinct says that it is right though.

My BPDxbf and I have split up 7 times now in one year spent 'together', 6 times within the last 6 months. Our last break went on for 7 weeks. During our last reconciliation, we had 7 relationship threatening arguments in the 21 days that we managed to stay together. All he kept going on about was me avoiding spending time with him. He was terrified that he'd love me and I'd leave because he believes love always leaves. He seemed to be driving himself crazy with fear, was needing more and more and more reassurance. He was getting clingy, wanting more and more time with me even though he is usually detached when he is with me. He has started imagining that I want to end the relationship and that the reason I'm not seeing him is because I've got dates lined up. I've been pretty cut-off myself because I am really scared of loving a man who is capable of being so emotionally abusive and I don't want a life of chaos and blame and projection. So, I couldn't give him the reassurance he's seeking and the rest is history... .we are history.

Not sure it this helps you, I hope it does, but it certainly helps me because I miss him and I feel lonely and right now he's all I can think of. Who else would put up with my constant obsessing about him than someone else who's facing similar circumstances?

Love Lifewriter

[Lou12]

Hi LifeWriter thanks for your reply.

I'm sorry your in so much pain it sucks.

Unfortunately I think I'm further down the road from you towards a final discard. My BPD has withdrew physically from me, no longer tells me he cares vocally and the charming is shorter and less frequent! I know in his mind that he believes all the pain he is suffering is all my fault and if he just works on getting me out his life then all his pain will disappear too! Well that my theory?

As for you I still think your in it for a good while yet with your BPD! What you describe is what I was going through a year ago. Their is absolutely nothing you can do it's horrible. No amount of reassurance makes a difference what so ever you just have to learn to live with the turbulence as it never ends. I tried every different angle... reassured, avoided negative behaviour, never answered back literally everything I could think of and nothing worked. The only thing that brought him closer was ignoring him and triggering abandonment but that only served to make him more insecure during the next cycle!  No amount of trying works it's just learning to live with their behaviour . Sending you love x

[Lou12]

Apols charming keeps auto texting as charming x

[Lou12]

Charm not charming

[Lou12]

Arghhh charming

[HappyNihilist]

Shari Schreiber's articles are not recommended or endorsed by BPD Family.

Here are two discussion topics on Schreiber -

Shari Schreiber: Online Reputation, Independent Review

Critical Review: At Any Cost by Shari Schreiber

That being said, I did find her Casanova article somewhat helpful in the very early, incredibly confusing aftermath of my breakup with my exBPDbf. But she's quite inflammatory and comes across as almost hating borderlines - also, she isn't a licensed therapist, and her information isn't always correct. There are much better sources of information on BPD and related disorders available.

There is a great workshop and discussion on splitting on the Learning Center boards here - BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[Lou12]

Apologies I didn't realise. Yes she definitely has contempt for BPD. Although I do find her papers very accurate I don't believe all BPD behaviour is carried out with such maliciousness.

[HappyNihilist]

Apologies I didn't realise. Yes she definitely has contempt for BPD. Although I do find her papers very accurate I don't believe all BPD behaviour is carried out with such maliciousness.

No worries!   Like I said, I personally found some of her articles helpful in the early days post-breakup. Her work can serve as a starting point for learning more about the disorder. She does describe certain BPD behaviors and traits pretty accurately. I just don't think it's healthy to stay stuck in a contemptuous viewpoint of BPDs being malicious - because this can limit our own healing and self-discovery.

[Lifewriter16]

I have to say, I didn't read a great deal of compassion for men with BPD in Schreiber's article 'Casanova' either. Her own bad experiences with men come through loud and clear. As I read it, I sometimes wondered whether the men she used as examples actually had BPD let alone had a diagnosis. However, I related to a great deal of what she described in her narrative and I needed a good shake to strengthen my resolve, so I found it useful.

Lifewriter x

[Lou12]

I was referring to her many articles not the BPD Casanova one specifically. I particularly found the article about why we gravitate towards BPDs is very interesting and resonated with me.

I truly believe that in order for me to be with a BPD I have to know myself inside out and be very self aware of my boundaries and limitations. If I don't I'd say he has the potentially to make me as crazy as him! I try to practise the 'me part' in all this as much as possible as that's what I do have control of. X

[Lifewriter16]

I agree with you entirely, Lou when you say it's all about self awareness. The things that go wrong in my relationship with my BPDxbf are as much to do with my triggers, my pain, my insecurity, my beliefs about men and how I react given those beliefs. I have grown more in this relationship than in any other relationship in my life. He has been a blessing to me.

I'm working with her article ':)o you love to be needed, or need to be loved?' which looks at the origins of co-dependency and I am finding it very useful. I will certainly be checking out her other material.

Lifewriter x

[Lou12]

Yes Lifewriter I've read that too it's a great article x