radical acceptance but still having to live together... for now

[michel71]

Hello all. I have come to radically accept that my wife of two years has undiagnosed BPD and that I will never be happy with her. The relationship and its toxicity consumed me for quite awhile but now I am on a path of recovery and reclamation of myself.

The problem is that we still have to live together for some more months, until she finishes school and gets a job.

Her job will be well paying and she will be able to be completely self sufficient. Like so many nons, my finances have been drained by my BPD. I don't have any money now to live separately and it is my house anyway purchased before marriage. I don't have any money to move her out, get her an apartment. etc. so I have to just suck it up for awhile. I am trying to be nice and decent. I still have to support her, pay for her school, etc. She is in a very demanding accelerated program and cannot work.

I don't want to have any regrets about this time remaining with her. I don't want to have strife or ill will. I want to approach things as being loving. Fair. And I know full well that I cannot expect her to react the same way. In fact, she continues to disregulate like before. I just don't let her get to me and I certainly don't let it escalate. NO talking her out of it. Just leaving the room and not engaging.

Have any of you been in this type of situation, where you knew it was going to end ( or had effectively ended) but had to live together for a bit? What did you do to make it through?

Thanks friends.

[Turkish]

I lived with my Ex for 4 gruelng months before she could gently (as opposed to me trying to kick her) move out. I used a combination of the leaving and staying tools. She was in a r/s with the guy who is new her husband. I looked at it as business, despite she trying to be BFFs with me, as if I were on the same emotional level. Being kind and patient taxed me greatly,.but I survived.

[michel71]

Thanks Turkish. Was she ready to leave at 4 months? Sounds like she may have been if she had a replacement. Mine doesn't. I actually wouldn't mind if she did because it might be easier. I feel that my wife will try and manipulate me to stay longer. I don't want that.

[gameover]

Hey michel71,

I've been living with my BPDexgf for going on 9-10 weeks post b/u (a week left to go).  

Just a word of caution: radical acceptance, at this kind of proximity, requires constant mental effort.  When she's dysregulating it's pretty easy to stay detached (for me, at least).  Where things get really hard is when she's sweet, rational, and seductive for any prolonged period of time--it's very, very easy to fall back into old thought patterns and to minimalize the effects of the disorder.

You need to set aside at least an hour everyday to really ground yourself--to remind yourself of the reality of your situation.  And you have to cling to this reality tenaciously.  If you lose your grounding you'll be sucked right back in.  The other part of this is staying busy--by limiting your exposure to her, you can really appreciate your time together without becoming re-enmeshed (which will happen as soon as you let it and will feel really good while it's happening).

Stay strong.