Wow

[Jaybird6664]

i was involved with an emotionally disengaged person who became my sons Mother. She had a flat affect, very quiet and withdrawn. Once I entered her world its all about her. She also possessed narcissistic tendencies. When we met I just though she was quiet bit it never progressed into an intimate postive partner. She constantly b___ed about her ex husband which led me to the Knight in Shining White syndrome. I failed big time. It was a typical scenario. I met her, dated her then we got pregnant. I was extremely excited to have a child, my first, she already had three by another person. Long story short, shes NPD and BPD. I am not a Dr so my opinion is just that. I also was a Registered Nurse for 25 years so I was in a profession of caring for the less fortunate. I also was blinded by an emotion, mine. Problem is we broke up, have a child together and its all anout her. We werent married so as a non-custodial parent, I have very little say so regarding our son. Shes a controlling, demeaning, negative person.i looked back at all my relationships, giess what I found? A pattern. My Mom was BPD, very demoralizing at times and very negative when I was growing up. She changed before she passed away but time nor presence heals that hurt.

  Recently I found the same type person. I was idealized, devalued, then she tried to discard me. I beat her to the punch. Feeling very uneasy about a new relationship with this gal, I googled her name. I dont normally do something so personal but my insides were hurting with wonder. I found out this lady had been married 5 times, not 2 like I was told. She had recently filed for bankruptcy and lo and behold, she was still legally married. I approached the issue with very little response, I reacted. Wrong thing to do. When I asked her point blank if she was still married she lied. She said no. I asked her a second question about being married to 5 people, not 2. She immediately got defensive and asked why I wanted to know. Then I let her have it. I told her Id merely typed her name into Google and was provided a small novella. She was stunned and tried to flip the script so to speak. It didnt go well for her. I broke up with her for lying and lying and lying. She wanted to see me right then. I refused. I received a few nasty emails that I didnt respond to. She was busted and went into b___ mode. I was a piece of ___ to her now. Im glad I did now. If I am involved with someone, they best be honest. Period. I considered our relationship a failure however I did gain a small victory in my situation. It only took me 6 weeks to figure it out, not 6 years. The lady posted a picture the next day with the new boyfriend. It was tagged to my personal facebook account. Wow! Rub it in my face? But shes the person with fidelity issues, dishonesty, poor moral character and no integrity. Im ending this cycle of mine. Researching and studying about NPD and BPD has helped ina big way. A couple days ago the same ex girlfriend contacted me and asked me how my son and I were doing? I knew there was something behind this but I only respomded that we are good. I didnt ask her anything about her. She seems to crave the attention, good or bad. Its funny whe you start dating a new person, they idealize and put you on a pedestal, overboard compliments and such really built me up in the first weeks of dating. Then I became the person to devalue, then the discard. I hurt her ego by breaking it off with her. Shes very physically beautiful. I know shes never had a man break up with her. Its been  the other way around. She usually broke things off. It hurt her pride. Not my intent but I am going to protect myself. She didnt contact me for a bit after she and the new guy began dating. Browsing through the dating internet web sites I saw her profile on at least three different sites. Shes dating a man, dating online and yet professing her love to me for the "new guy." Why would I care? It is her life ro live. Im not sure why but Im glad I am learning how ro respond, not react.

[Mutt]

Hi Jaybird6664,



I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you have self-awareness or did some work in T ( therapy?)

We're not professionals and we can look at traits of the borderline personality type and we can protect ourselves our values against negative and hostile actions and behaviors directed at us. A simple way of describing boundaries is keeping the good stuff in and the bad stuff out.

Its funny whe you start dating a new person, they idealize and put you on a pedestal, overboard compliments and such really built me up in the first weeks of dating. Then I became the person to devalue, then the discard.

It's normal to idealize and mirror partners in the infatuation phase of a r/s and we can mistake the intensity of a pwBPD and idealization with emotional intimacy. It's a good idea to get to know someone and have boundaries, the push / pull behavior should set off alarm bells against our boundaries.

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

How old is your child? Do you have a son or a daughter?

It's good to hear that you are working on your triggers and choosing to respond and not react, that way we can get off the emotional roller-coaster and detach.

You're checking your exes profiles on dating websites, have you put your own profile up on dating websites?

[ScorpioLaw]

 Alright, I think everyone on this part of the board is so totally wounded that some are just biased completely. Instead of looking at them like they have some type of mental disease, maybe we should just realize that they are people too.

  They just think differently. IMO I think the problem is that they shape their thoughts to their feelings. When I guess most of us either separate the two, or shape our feelings to our thoughts.

So with that said, don't you think you over reacted a bit? She sent some smiley faces and was still communicating. Maybe not how you wanted but she still was. Then you went out of your way to send messages and force her to talk. Then when she didn't react you completely shut off the relationship?

C'mon, mate. You're being just as bad in a way. Just as defensive and hurt.

That's the problem with expectations. You can only get hurt if you expect something. Seems like that's the problem with all of our relationships. Both parties expect the other to react the way they want.

The worse thing I ever did for my relationship was stop trusting my gut and start taking other people's advice.

I'm not saying you should still talk with her. Obviously only you know your relationship but I will say you need to look at yourself and your own reactions.