Really Bummed for my BPDex

[gameover]

OK, so I'm pretty much detached from my BPDexgf, at least where it concerns me personally.  I'm not mad about the lies, I'm not mad about the replacement.  I'm still a little bit sad, but I'm really not at all worried about my future.

But what bums me out is that she's so excited about the replacement--and I hope to God it works out for them.  I wish I could be excited for her, but I know how it works out.  It's just so unfair--she has so much love to give and is overall an awesome person; and I know she'd like nothing more than 'happily ever after.'

I know it's beyond my control.  But damn it sucks.  Well, here's to hoping things work out for her... .

[rotiroti]

The pain of seeing them with the replacement is difficult for everyone -- but you know when you first joined this site and wrote of your 2 years, it sounds like it was a really lovely bond. You got to experience the best and worst of her, plus you were able to stay friends which I could personally never due to my weakness.

Is this part of her moving away as well? you had mentioned her moving away at some point

[gameover]

For me being replaced isn't the hard part; just knowing that it won't work out for them is what sucks.  I'm OK with the fact that our relationship ended, but I hate that (if the disorder has any say) it has to be a pattern for her.   

Is this part of her moving away as well? you had mentioned her moving away at some point

No, I'm actually pretty excited about that part.  Not that I don't enjoy her company, but I'm looking forward to having my life back without hurting her in the process.

[HappyNihilist]

I understand - I hope my exBPDbf can find happiness and peace, too, although I'm not sure he'll ever truly accept that only he can give that to himself. Even if he never 'gets better,' I hope that at least he can find someone (or even multiple someones) to love and support him.

So far, from what little I've heard, things are still good with him and his new wife, after 1.5 years together. She may be a great partner for him, and they may be together for the rest of his life.

People with BPD can certainly have long relationships and marriages. The Staying boards are full of people who've been with their BPD partners for decades.

But you're right - it sucks to know that someone you care about has a disorder that so impacts their lives and well-being. I used to wish I could take all of exbf's pain away, just take it into myself for him. Of course life doesn't work like that, and it's narcissistic to think that I had any control over it. Plus, I had plenty of my own stuff to work on, without distracting myself with his or anyone else's.

I think the best we can do is just wish them well, and continue to love and respect them from a distance.

[saintgrey]

I like to think that my ex will find someone that understand her condition and make it work, like the above poster mentioned the staying board is full people that committed.

Its possible that her new relationship works, we were together for almost 3 years until our first break up and after a month we got together for another 3 years so sure they can have a "healthy" LTR if nothing triggers and with time they realize they can't continue jumping.

[Pretty Woman]

Gameover,

  You are a sweetheart.  

This post genuinely shows how caring and loving a person you are. A good person with a heart.

When I read this, I see a lot of myself in it.  I care about my ex, I want her to be happy... .

but what about us?

See, right now, our exes are off in new relationships. Why are we so darn concerned about them? They WILL survive. BPD's are survivors. They have learned to dissasociate from difficult situations at a very young age. They are MASTERS at this. As co-dependants and caregivers we want to "save" them from their hurt but guess what?

You will never be able to save her from her internal struggle. EVER.

What about saving US? THAT, that is something we have control over. 

Wishing her well is a good thing. It frees YOU from internal anger. Being able to let go with love is great... .if and when you are ready to do so... .

but don't forget... .regardless of the disorder... .this person treated you poorly. She treated you in a way you never deserved. I think it's important not to forget that. You don't want to attract this type of woman into your life again and now you KNOW the signs... .

Don't downplay the crapola she did to you, my friend. Don't harbor resentment and cling to it, yet don't forget it... .splicing it out is how we non's end up in recycles.

Stay strong and try to put the love and care forth on YOU. It's not selfish... .it's so important. Love YOU, nurture YOU. She will be just fine. She always is.

PW

[gameover]

Thanks for the kind words guys. Y'all are awesome. 

Probably just the last little bit of my Hero Complex coming through.  I'm resigned to the fact that I can't help her--I guess the last part is letting her be her, disordered or not.  And it's probably arrogance on my part to assume that I know what kind of life she wants for herself--or even that the disorder will prevent her from achieving that in some form or another.

[Pretty Woman]

You are MY hero, Gameover.

[rotiroti]

Probably just the last little bit of my Hero Complex coming through.  I'm resigned to the fact that I can't help her

It feels good to be the protagonist in the story, but you know what?

It sounds like you're the protagonist to an even better story -- open-minded and filled with good intentions. It's going to be a great one!

[gameover]

It feels good to be the protagonist in the story, but you know what?

It sounds like you're the protagonist to an even better story -- open-minded and filled with good intentions. It's going to be a great one!

I might have been the protagonist to this story, but I definitely wasn't the author    

Thanks for the encouragement y'all.