"I want your to know why we can no longer be friends."

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dear Angela,

I want your to know why we can no longer be friends. You have never been there for me and you never will be. At every turn, instead of making my life better, you find a way to disrupt it and attempt to take attention away and onto yourself. You can't be happy with me. You are miserable with yourself and about everything else. You can preach that you are riotous and perfect. But you are merely the perfect hypocrite. I despise how you can't even give me the slightest bit of satisfaction, encouragement, or acknowledgement I deserve, you can only think of yourself and nobody else. You are a smart girl but you "hate when people tell you what to do," so you use that line as an excuse for doing NOTHING with your life and constantly victimizing yourself. Telling me that I'm "Judging you" for merely trying to give a that you're letting your life spiral out of control because you can't get over your childish entitlement act: "I don't want to work... .I hate working for other people". Try to support yourself; be independent. But it's ok... .I understand. I know you aren't emotionally healthy enough to work. I know you can't understand how I feel. I know you can only feel for yourself because of some sort of childhood trauma and a life and childhood that you didn't get to live. I know that I had more stability than you, that's why I was always there for you. I just always loved you and wanted to keep you safe but you never could accept it. Everything you did was surface level, even if u were attempting to be affectionate, it was merely a need for attention and affection for yourself.

After all these years... .I can't be friends with you. I love you, you know me, I know you but I can no longer be there for you because it's eating me alive that I'm giving so much of myself to you with nothing in return.

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[repititionqueen]

Dear Angela,

I want your to know why we can no longer be friends. You have never been there for me and you never will be. At every turn, instead of making my life better, you find a way to disrupt it and attempt to take attention away and onto yourself. You can't be happy with me. You are miserable with yourself and about everything else. You can preach that you are riotous and perfect. But you are merely the perfect hypocrite. I despise how you can't even give me the slightest bit of satisfaction, encouragement, or acknowledgement I deserve, you can only think of yourself and nobody else. You are a smart girl but you "hate when people tell you what to do," so you use that line as an excuse for doing NOTHING with your life and constantly victimizing yourself. Telling me that I'm "Judging you" for merely trying to give a that you're letting your life spiral out of control because you can't get over your childish entitlement act: "I don't want to work... .I hate working for other people". Try to support yourself; be independent. But it's ok... .I understand. I know you aren't emotionally healthy enough to work. I know you can't understand how I feel. I know you can only feel for yourself because of some sort of childhood trauma and a life and childhood that you didn't get to live. I know that I had more stability than you, that's why I was always there for you. I just always loved you and wanted to keep you safe but you never could accept it. Everything you did was surface level, even if u were attempting to be affectionate, it was merely a need for attention and affection for yourself.

After all these years... .I can't be friends with you. I love you, you know me, I know you but I can no longer be there for you because it's eating me alive that I'm giving so much of myself to you with nothing in return.

</3

[repititionqueen]

Thanks guys! I had to let that out. Tonight the deepest part of me I have been suppressing has erupted all of a sudden... .the years of a let down friendship that can't hold any more weight... .

How do you all deal with the constant "no one can tell me what to do" attitude?

[Beach_Babe]

Wow, that's quite a load you are carrying. I understand where you are coming from. I had a 14 year relationship with someone very similar. They did not want to work either, and instead pretended to be schizophrenic to collect disability. Another fine source of income was suing people. I don't think a single job lasted more than 6 months. ":)on't tell me what to do" yep, I know that one too. Mine was morbidly obese and would rage at the slightest suggestion (made out of love) that was unhealthy. "Hey lets do this together" made them rage and hit their head. It was lovely. I know how you feel, believe me. For 14 years I stood by this person's side unconditionally only to be split black and have my character smeared to high heaven at the end. They were so narcissistic they couldn't handle the "attention" I received from flatlining once this year, and needing heart surgery. I was dumped shortly afterward and had the police threatened on me.  I am sure you have your horror stories as well, and sister you have come to the right place. It gets better, believe me. There was a time I felt as angry as you. For months I sat in a corner and SHOOK, and awoke screaming with nightmares. What people say here is true, there is a reason we got involved with a person like this (and it usually stems back to core childhood wounds)?  Perhaps you had a parent or other relative who had a personality disorder and/or was invalidating?  I  sure did.  And I still have days I struggle 5 months out, but less so everyday. You will too, I promise, just keep posting!  

Can you give me some background on what happened?  Who dumped who?  How long have you been NC?

[Pretty Woman]

Rep Queen,

   Thank you for posting this. That letter is EXACTLY how I felt in my last relationship... .all of it. If you replaced Angela with Jessica it would still be appropriate It's so funny how one-sided a BPD relationship is... .whether romantic or strictly friends. One gives and gives the other takes and takes... .

and for the one taking (the BPD) it's never enough. It's endless take that literally sucks the life out of us nons.

I too have several friends I suspect are BPD. The strange thing is while dating one did not prove fruitful () I have been able to errect boundaries with the friends. If I get passive-aggressive silence I ride it out. If I truly did something wrong I apologize once but that's it. I don't grovel, I don't let it get to me... .eventually they come around. My life doesn't halt for them.

On the flip side, these BPD's are not my main friends. One was but now she is strictly my co-worker. I think getting out and meeting new people has helped me. I can figure out if someone has traits of BPD now and I steer clear.

Thank you for sharing this. It was a great read and really resonated with me!

PW

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks guys! I had to let that out. Tonight the deepest part of me I have been suppressing has erupted all of a sudden... .the years of a let down friendship that can't hold any more weight... .

Hey rep-

So as you work through the detachment process, how does it feel now that you're gone public with that 'letter'?  What emotions are erupting now that you've stopped suppressing?  Is there a sense of freedom and relief in there too?

[repititionqueen]

Can you give me some background on what happened?  Who dumped who?  How long have you been NC?

Thank you for your thoughtful reply and I'm sorry for what you experienced with your partner.

This is my friend of 10 years and we are not romantically involved. I met her in high school. She is extremely charming and we hit it off right away. We have gone through a lot of ups and downs together and I have to admit, she helped me learn how not to be so much of a push over. However, the relationship has mostly been me taking care of her. She used to stay at my house a lot because her home was unstable during high school. I tried to get her to stay in school but she eventually dropped out and pursued other education methods, which I'm proud to say she has now finished University! She cannot hold down a job, however, due to the fact that she "hates when people tell me what to do"

I started developing a lot of anxiety around our friendship because it started to feel like every phone call from her would be her in tears needing me to calm her down and be there for her, which I was and I was happy to be... .however, looking back and understanding BPD now... .I see I have journal entries where I admit to feeling very anxious every time she would call. 

Once she started getting boyfriends it relieved a lot of pressure from me. She got involved in an abusive relationship for four years, however, and really became isolated from friends. Since that relationship she cannot be alone.

After that break-up there was a brief period where she jumped into my social life and wreaked havoc on my friends and boyfriend at the time. She caused a lot of unnecessary drama and even went so far as to tell a girl to stay away from my boyfriend because I said I was a bit jealous of their friendship :| I am still really upset about this occurrence and she never admitted to doing it.

Once she found a new boyfriend she completely ditched me when I was in one of the worst places of my life. Due to the chaos she caused my boyfriend and I broke up (although there were other reasons too) and I lost friends in the process. I really needed her to lean on and she flat out stopped talking to me and painted me black.

When their relationship inevitably came to an end we rekindled our friendship again and had an excellent summer last year. However, since she is with a new boyfriend this last year we have become more and more distant and I heavily debated discontinuing our friendship when I found this site.

I gave in though, and felt like it would be a shame to throw away a ten year friendship, so her and I are talking again but she hasn't been very supportive of me or been spending time with me much.

The last time I hung out with her everything she said was BPD to a T! I wish I could have recorded it. She is the perfect classic borderline. She could be a case study haha!

[repititionqueen]

Rep Queen,

   Thank you for posting this. That letter is EXACTLY how I felt in my last relationship... .all of it. If you replaced Angela with Jessica it would still be appropriate It's so funny how one-sided a BPD relationship is... .whether romantic or strictly friends. One gives and gives the other takes and takes... .

and for the one taking (the BPD) it's never enough. It's endless take that literally sucks the life out of us nons.

I too have several friends I suspect are BPD. The strange thing is while dating one did not prove fruitful () I have been able to errect boundaries with the friends. If I get passive-aggressive silence I ride it out. If I truly did something wrong I apologize once but that's it. I don't grovel, I don't let it get to me... .eventually they come around. My life doesn't halt for them.

On the flip side, these BPD's are not my main friends. One was but now she is strictly my co-worker. I think getting out and meeting new people has helped me. I can figure out if someone has traits of BPD now and I steer clear.

Thank you for sharing this. It was a great read and really resonated with me!

PW

Thanks pretty woman   I had to let it out and hoped others would resonate with it as well!

When you start building friendships with healthy people it's like day and night! You think to yourself can it really be this easy to have a fun, thoughtful friendship with someone? Yes it is!

[repititionqueen]

Thanks guys! I had to let that out. Tonight the deepest part of me I have been suppressing has erupted all of a sudden... .the years of a let down friendship that can't hold any more weight... .

Hey rep-

So as you work through the detachment process, how does it feel now that you're gone public with that 'letter'?  What emotions are erupting now that you've stopped suppressing?  Is there a sense of freedom and relief in there too?

Thanks for the thoughtful question 

I do feel relieved. I really needed to let that out! I have a prior engagement with her that I can't get out of now (a birthday and 10 year "friendship" celebration). After this is done, I plan to heavily distance myself from her and possibly to write her a letter (different from this one), however, I know she won't really be able to see where I am coming from, so it is tricky. I think distance is my best option at this point.

[repititionqueen]

I must say though, I do feel extremely guilty writing this and have the fear that she could somehow read these posts :|

[fromheeltoheal]

I must say though, I do feel extremely guilty writing this and have the fear that she could somehow read these posts :|

A lot of members have had that fear, and I don't know your whole story, but if she knows nothing about BPD chances are slim she would ever find this place, and you are anonymous, although you might have used her real name in your 'letter'.  Then again, what if she does read it?  You meant it right?

What's under the guilt you feel?  Betrayal in a sense?