How do I live like this?

[TheRealJongoBong]

It seems like forever, but for quite a while I have been trying to improve my relationship with my uBPDw.  I've worked through a lot of issues, namely reacting to her emotional abuse, setting boundaries, and not reacting when she's triggered by something. The things that are very wearing on me still are

1. Her lack of trust and empathy. My wife fundamentally doesn't trust me, as is always thinking I'm having secret affairs and things like that. Her first thought on anything I say seems to be that I'm trying to trick her.

2. I have to pay attention all the time to everything she says and does so that I can react/not react/ignore as appropriate. It doesn't seem that I can ever relax around her or I get blindsided by her BPD.

3. I don't have a way to defuse the stress when she does crazymaking things. If I ever get out of medium-chill with her I will trigger something else. I can't say anything about vent, I can barely even mention any of the incidents which occur because this will also trigger her.

So how do you do it and still feel like you are in a relationship instead of an attendant in a mental ward? How do you ever relax and feel like you are at home? Do you make any plans for the future or do you just exist one day at a time?

Any thoughts or methods would be extremely helpful for me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CrazyChuck]

For me the stress is always there. Every text and every email I send, I wonder if it is going to cause an issue. I stress waiting for a reply.

[Lou12]

Sadly the only way I've seen this behaviour cut out temporarily is by attacking back, withdrawing and triggering their abandonment fears and they fall weak! But of course that makes you the conscious manipulator and it won't help with trust next time round. Unfortunately some BPDs will keep attacking until you give a good defence . I know with children they desperately seek firm boundaries so maybe your giving her to much of what she really doesn't need! I really feel for you TherealJongoBong, your situation sounds ___ a present!

I'm not suggesting you carry out the above by the way I'm just adding that it's the only way I knew how to deal with them when their behaviour went to far x

[waverider]

It seems like forever, but for quite a while I have been trying to improve my relationship with my uBPDw.  I've worked through a lot of issues, namely reacting to her emotional abuse, setting boundaries, and not reacting when she's triggered by something. The things that are very wearing on me still are

1. Her lack of trust and empathy. My wife fundamentally doesn't trust me, as is always thinking I'm having secret affairs and things like that. Her first thought on anything I say seems to be that I'm trying to trick her.

2. I have to pay attention all the time to everything she says and does so that I can react/not react/ignore as appropriate. It doesn't seem that I can ever relax around her or I get blindsided by her BPD.

3. I don't have a way to defuse the stress when she does crazymaking things. If I ever get out of medium-chill with her I will trigger something else. I can't say anything about vent, I can barely even mention any of the incidents which occur because this will also trigger her.

So how do you do it and still feel like you are in a relationship instead of an attendant in a mental ward? How do you ever relax and feel like you are at home? Do you make any plans for the future or do you just exist one day at a time?

Any thoughts or methods would be extremely helpful for me.

1 She doesn't trust you as she is not truthful herself... Honesty is an alien concept. Accept you wont be able to convince her of your truth. Her total acceptance of your truth needs to be less important to you. Dont over reassure, or you reinforce the need for it.

2. No you dont, you do your best, and learn to mop up any damage when, and if it occurs. Don't live on tenter hooks, it just ends up making you look like you are not real feeding issue #1. Stick to your reality, but dont try to sell it,  her reality is not yours and never will be.

3. This is going to happen, it is the nature of the Disorder. Dont waste your energy on it, go find something else to do with your time and fix everything after the hurricane has past. Dont stand there trying to hold everything down, you will take on too much damage and even give it focus.

[waverider]

Sadly the only way I've seen this behaviour cut out temporarily is by attacking back, withdrawing and triggering their abandonment fears and they fall weak! But of course that makes you the conscious manipulator and it won't help with trust next time round. Unfortunately some BPDs will keep attacking until you give a good defence . I know with children they desperately seek firm boundaries so maybe your giving her to much of what she really doesn't need! I really feel for you TherealJongoBong, your situation sounds a present!

I'm not suggesting you carry out the above by the way I'm just adding that it's the only way I knew how to deal with them when their behaviour went to far x

Not attacking back as that hands them the role of victim on a plate.  Rather standing firm and not engaging in nonsense. Thats removing your designated role out of the drama dynamics