Painted black?

[LostGhost]

Just wondering how do you know you've been painted black for sure? My ex hasn't blocked me on Facebook or deleted me or anything yet. I'm still listed as "close friend". But at the same time, it's been no contact for 9 days now so I assume she doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to hear from me and therefore I have to believe I've been painted black. I'm guessing that typically when their relationship ends with you and in a pretty bad way, you are immediately painted black to protect themselves from shame/guilt/pain? I apologize that I keep ruminating about all of this. I shouldn't focus on it as much as I do. I know it's not healthy to do so. Thank you for any responses.

[once removed]

hey lostghost 

i think some of the ruminating is useful. the psyche tends to insist upon making sense of what is an incredibly surreal experience. its only been nine days so i think its very natural to be ruminating. there is a time when it reaches into the unhealthy for sure, and there is a time where it just becomes exhausting, no longer useful, and you want it to end. this may help when that time arrives:

TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations 

to answer your question, there arent any hard or fast rules here. all evidence suggested i was painted black, but i wasnt deleted on facebook until she had made her new relationship official. pwBPD certainly dont always cut off all contact. sometimes certain doors are left open. sometimes cutting certain connections would trigger too much sense of abandonment. youve read the stories; results can vary between a restraining order, wanting to remain friends, a recycle, and cutting off all contact. and then theres plenty of in between. it really depends on both parties and the situation.

[LostGhost]

hey lostghost 

i think some of the ruminating is useful. the psyche tends to insist upon making sense of what is an incredibly surreal experience. its only been nine days so i think its very natural to be ruminating. there is a time when it reaches into the unhealthy for sure, and there is a time where it just becomes exhausting, no longer useful, and you want it to end. this may help when that time arrives:

TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations 

to answer your question, there arent any hard or fast rules here. all evidence suggested i was painted black, but i wasnt deleted on facebook until she had made her new relationship official. pwBPD certainly dont always cut off all contact. sometimes certain doors are left open. sometimes cutting certain connections would trigger too much sense of abandonment. youve read the stories; results can vary between a restraining order, wanting to remain friends, a recycle, and cutting off all contact. and then theres plenty of in between. it really depends on both parties and the situation.

Thanks as always for your help. I'll tuck that tool away for another day when it's time to put these rumination to rest. You are right, the variations and extremes of being painted black are all over the place. No restraining orders yet, no official facebook announcement about a replacement yet (though I'm about 99% feeling a strong gut instinct about this... .). I know she said at the end "we'd make great friends" which I don't know if it was an attempt of keeping me on the hook for a future recycle down the road but I told her I can't be just friends because of my feelings and intensity, I can't just go from love of my life mode to friend mode.

If I wanted to resume contact with her, what do you all recommend? Wait for her to be the one? Leave the ball in her court? Or is it time to break NC? 9 days isn't long I suppose but it's felt like a lifetime. Maybe I should wait till 30 days?

[once removed]

you might try unfollowing her for now. she wont know, its not drastic, it protects you. i peaked a lot for a month or two, and personally i felt a lot better when i was finally able to avoid it.

i think its a good and reasonable boundary to put in place that youre not able to go from love of your life mode to friend mode. you can decide that further down the road; be protective of your own healing for now.

"If I wanted to resume contact with her, what do you all recommend? Wait for her to be the one? Leave the ball in her court? Or is it time to break NC? 9 days isn't long I suppose but it's felt like a lifetime. Maybe I should wait till 30 days?"

its not for me to tell you what to do or not to do. what would you contact her with, why, and what would you expect? for the first couple of months i felt desperate to make some contact, i felt compelled to act, and i found it didnt hurt anything to get some space and clear my mind.

[LostGhost]

you might try unfollowing her for now. she wont know, its not drastic, it protects you. i peaked a lot for a month or two, and personally i felt a lot better when i was finally able to avoid it.

i think its a good and reasonable boundary to put in place that youre not able to go from love of your life mode to friend mode. you can decide that further down the road; be protective of your own healing for now.

"If I wanted to resume contact with her, what do you all recommend? Wait for her to be the one? Leave the ball in her court? Or is it time to break NC? 9 days isn't long I suppose but it's felt like a lifetime. Maybe I should wait till 30 days?"

its not for me to tell you what to do or not to do. what would you contact her with, why, and what would you expect? for the first couple of months i felt desperate to make some contact, i felt compelled to act, and i found it didnt hurt anything to get some space and clear my mind.

I would only be contacting her to see if there was any possibility of working this out and not seeing us part ways forever. A recycle I guess. But I guess that's on her terms so I should just wait this out and remain NC for however long it takes for her to reach out. I feel like the longer I remain NC, the more opportunity she has to truly detach and move on from me, to get to a point where there really is nothing left but platonic feelings for her and there's no confusion in her mind what I represent to her. I don't want that, to be forgotten, or somebody that she used to know. After all we shared? But I know I can never be just friends.

Thanks once removed. You have sound advice.

I probably said this a year ago when it ended the first time... .but I wish I had one of those memory erasers from Men In Black. Click... .all gone, all better.  :'(

[LostGhost]

Just wondering... .I liked a post of hers on facebook. Does that constitute breaking no contact by letting her know I'm alive in a subtle way? I didn't say a word to her yet. Day 10 of no contact... .but do I need to start over now because of this?

[seang]

It kind of is breaking NC.  Even if it doesnt seem to make you feel any worse, its keeping you in the loop, and bot allowing you to move on just in case.  Also, all you are doing by liking her posts is giving her power over you.  I mean  think about it.  She knows youre there, looking in, like a little puppy on the side.  She has no reason to think about you, thew situation or anything, she just knows youre there.

Id go ghost mate.

[once removed]

to reiterate, there are no hard and fast rules here. no contact, limited contact, they arent life styles, they arent requirements, they are tools to help us detach.

in this situation, even though you feel compelled to act, there is nothing you need to do. she knows that youre alive. liking a post is liking a post, whatever you want to make of it. no way to know what she will make of it if anything.

keep the emphasis on your motives and your thoughts. do you want nc? do you want contact? take the pressure off with the labels. what is it you want to do and why?

[LostGhost]

to reiterate, there are no hard and fast rules here. no contact, limited contact, they arent life styles, they arent requirements, they are tools to help us detach.

in this situation, even though you feel compelled to act, there is nothing you need to do. she knows that youre alive. liking a post is liking a post, whatever you want to make of it. no way to know what she will make of it if anything.

keep the emphasis on your motives and your thoughts. do you want nc? do you want contact? take the pressure off with the labels. what is it you want to do and why?

Thanks once removed. The short of it is I would like to start a new relationship with her, I want to understand her and equip myself with the right kind of tools and knowledge to have the highest chance of having something sustainable with he. I want her to know I love her, my connection with her is profound and not superficial. I want her to know she's not alone, there's someone on her side and that I'm not ready to walk away.

I want her to know all of this without looking like a stalker, or pressuring her in any way. I kind of want her to come to me and for it to be her idea but I don't think that's going to happen. So with all of that in mind, I'm stumbling between worlds trying to find the right way to reconnect. I've been no contact to give time and space apart to reset I guess. But I don't want to be no contact forever.

[seang]

We ALL want/wanted that mate.  Id back off a bit,  Start thinking about you.  Stop hoping on a recycle.  Im not saying it wont happen, just give up on the want.

And if she is BPD, you've got to really understand that before you commit your life to "being there" for her.  think about what you give up.  

Sorry if im neg.  Just relaying me thoughts in my current situation, like you.

Best wishes my friend

Edit:  Maybe i was harsh.  Maybe you need to go to the staying forums and discover and equip.  Best of luck dude.

[LostGhost]

We ALL want/wanted that mate.  Id back off a bit,  Start thinking about you.  Stop hoping on a recycle.  Im not saying it wont happen, just give up on the want.

And if she is BPD, you've got to really understand that before you commit your life to "being there" for her.  think about what you give up.  

Sorry if im neg.  Just relaying me thoughts in my current situation, like you.

Best wishes my friend

Edit:  Maybe i was harsh.  Maybe you need to go to the staying forums and discover and equip.  Best of luck dude.

Thanks seang. Any and all advice, every perspective, is helpful. I have to gain every piece of knowledge I can from as many different view points as I can in order to make the best decision. I'll go on the staying forums and ask people to check out my story and see their perspective as well.

[once removed]

i think posting on the staying forum and getting some more perspective is a great idea.

i understand wanting to reconcile armed with the knowledge you have now. right now thats not entirely in your control, and that doesnt have to be a bad thing.

i also experienced and am very familiar with the anxiety that makes us feel compelled to act, the what ifs, and the fears of what might happen if you dont act. im very confident on this one: consider this a time out to clear your head. resolve to do so and it will relieve your anxiety as opposed to ruminating about it, and acting out of that anxiety. a few days, another week, will not make any difference in terms of "losing" her. you will have a far better idea of what it is you want to do or say moving forward and youll be doing it for you.