Trouble in paradise?

[fred6]

So I was reading the ":)id you believe that your replacement succeded?" thread and it got me thinking. So I cruised by my ex's FB page to see what was going on lately and noticed 2 things. 1st I noticed that while she used to be a FB junkie, she hasn't really posted or "liked" anything in the past 2-3 months. Just a pic of her daughters first day of school. It's mostly other people tagging her and posting things to her page.

2nd thing that I noticed, my replacement posted this meme to her page just yesterday. That doesn't seem like something a happy couple would be sending to each other. I haven't seen or heard from her in almost a year Sept. 20. Trouble in paradise already?

“how to keep a relationship: communicate talk about things the good and bad build trust be honest be faithful be there for one another make time for one another leave the past in the past, which includes ex's know that having arguments are normal know that you won't always be happy don't expect change appreciate the flaws appreciate each other become best friends lastly, love each other unconditionally!”

[Herodias]

Hard to tell... , my stbx husbands gf posts everything to the public - she posts stuff like that on and off. Since I have known him 8 years I can more than likely say yes, and know the deal. Is your exes open to the public? If not, you won't see all that is posted. It's funny because he only likes things that pertain to him on her site- narcissistic trait. Lol we are supposed to be able to stop looking, but in some ways I am fascinated with the psychology of it all and of course want to be able to say- see, it's not me! Even though I know it's not- I want him to know its not! Not sure he'll ever think so though... , I think people post what they are thinking at that moment- but it's fleeting. Unless we see a definite breakup it's hard to know... .At least we know nothing is ever going to be wonderful all the time. No one has that, least of all them!

[Pretty Woman]

Fred,

   Try not to read into anything. I know it's hard but we seriously have no real way of finding out what was meant by that post.

I posted a few things the other day and one of my friends asked if I was ok. She said my posts looked like I was "bitter and angry". I just happened to be reposting some things that popped up in my feed. When I went to re-read them I saw her point yet I really wasn't bitter nor angry 

So try not to analyze. I know you want to see signs it's failing. Believe me... .I know.

Try to live with the gratification of knowing none of their relationships truly work. They aren't really relationships... .some just last longer due to the non's co-dependency.

Be well friend!

PW

[myself]

PW, many of your posts on this site have sounded bitter and angry, which is understandable as you're still grieving/working through this stuff. Perhaps looking into that some more would help you with moving on even more?

[BorisAcusio]

So I was reading the ":)id you believe that your replacement succeded?" thread and it got me thinking. So I cruised by my ex's FB page to see what was going on lately

How does getting involved in a fantasy triangulation help to detach?

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Myself,  

  I was speaking about FB posts not on here but thanks for the feedback. I don't think I've sounded bitter and angry... .if I do it's just me processing things as they come. I accept that my ex is disordered and I must have some issues that I accepted her back into my life... .several times. I do feel betrayed by this "friend" she left me for so yes, hurt but not really bitter nor angry.

I've been on here 3yrs (on and off). I've been through a lot but am coming out of the FOG. It takes time!

PW

[fred6]

Fred,

  Try not to read into anything. I know it's hard but we seriously have no real way of finding out what was meant by that post.

I posted a few things the other day and one of my friends asked if I was ok. She said my posts looked like I was "bitter and angry". I just happened to be reposting some things that popped up in my feed. When I went to re-read them I saw her point yet I really wasn't bitter nor angry  

So try not to analyze. I know you want to see signs it's failing. Believe me... .I know.

Try to live with the gratification of knowing none of their relationships truly work. They aren't really relationships... .some just last longer due to the non's co-dependency.

Be well friend!

PW

I think that was my point. When people on this board think that the replacement is doing better and succeeding. They need to remember that the replacement is probably noticing    and other odd emotional behaviors.

As far as me analyzing the post. My replacement posted that to my ex's FB wall. I just found it kind of an odd post to put on someones wall. Does it mean that they are about to break up? Of course not. However, posting memes about "How to keep a relationship" on your girlfriends wall isn't a good sign. Of course all of us here want to say, "I told you so". But trust me, my ex is the least of my worries these days, I have other day to day life issues to deal with, hahaha.

[fred6]

How does getting involved in a fantasy triangulation help to detach?

I wouldn't call it a "fantasy triangulation", I don't even know what that is. I would call it more of a curiosity. Reading the other thread actually had me wondering if my replacement was succeeding. Then I actually realized that failure is eventually going to happen with everyone my ex is involved with.  After almost a year NC, I believe that I'm pretty well detached these days.

[saintgrey]

How does getting involved in a fantasy triangulation help to detach?

I wouldn't call it a "fantasy triangulation", I don't even know what that is. I would call it more of a curiosity. Reading the other thread actually had me wondering if my replacement was succeeding. Then I actually realized that failure is eventually going to happen with everyone my ex is involved with.  After almost a year NC, I believe that I'm pretty well detached these days.

Don't underestimate the power of denial, i think thats what got me stuck for longer or to think that we should work things out because this is/was a LTR.

[BorisAcusio]

How does getting involved in a fantasy triangulation help to detach?

I wouldn't call it a "fantasy triangulation", I don't even know what that is

It's an unconscious fantasy of the interpsychic world, a desperate effort to keep the lost object alive by avoid going through the necessery abandonment depression. Basically a form of denial.

Letting go means abandonment depression and no one enters into the depressive position that eagerly. It's fought tooth and nail the entire way with what is known as "magical thinking" keeping the attachment bond unbroken and subsuming the love object.

had me wondering if my replacement was succeeding.

I know that feeling all too well, but you have to ask yourself: does it really matter? The succes or failure of their relationship is not reflection of your value. If you think otherwise, you ma still delegate her too much power, which is the exact opposite of detachment.

Then I actually realized that failure is eventually going to happen with everyone my ex is involved with.  

You can't know that. Some people on the L1 board already spent decades with their BPD partners. It must be a living hell but they somehow manage to keep it together.

[Invictus01]

Well, let's say there is trouble and, hell, let's say they even break up. Does it in any way change your plan? And if it does, why?

[Herodias]

For me it almost puts in perspective all that is being said here... .I see the pattern repeating. Today his gf posted;

 "I'm getting ready for work and watch him sleeping for just a sec i can't help but feel all too blessed ... .he is my world, my rock, my better half  (smile face) love you babe

— feeling loved with (my husbands name)"  

It's funny, but she said the same stuff less than a year ago about her husband... .also, I remember thinking he was so special when I was first was with him! It's sad she has a mentally ill person as her rock- she's in for quite a fall! Plus, she tagged him in this which means all of his family and friends can see it... .it has been said this all all for attention. I think it's sick on her part to post this so often. Makes me think she is a pwBPD!  He liked it of course, because it was about him! Maybe he's off today and going to meet his other gf for dinner tonight,   It's all so sick and twisted!

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Fred,

  Not to read into anything but yes, that is weird to post on your significant others wall. I can see how you would read into that, that there could be "trouble a brewin"... .still...

why are you looking at the wall?



I am going to play devils advocate here. These people dumped us and we are still interested in THEIR lives. What about OURS? They have moved on. Disordered or not, they left us and for many, left us high and dry... .broken and bleeding. We are ruminating over them and they are moving on. They never viewed this relationship as we did... .they are disordered. Trying to read their mind and actions is fruitless and tiring for us.

They were not right for us... .who knows somebody might be able to tolerate more than we did... .

It doesn't mean it's a better relationship. This just wasn't right for US.  

We all torture ourselves looking into their lives on FAKEbook. Remember, life wasn't all peachy for us when we dated them. Facebook is a place for them to project their false image. I could go on Facebook and post a bunch of pictures of myself with celebrities photoshopped in. I can add a bunch of people I don't know to create the illusion of being "popular". If I wanted to, I could create a fake profile and a totally new identity.

FAKEBOOK. 

When did your BPD's words ever match their actions?

Why would it be any different on social media or elsewhere?

Just something to ponder... .

PW

[Mutt]

Hi fred6,

I can understand the curiosity with peeking on social media, its been almost a year that's passed since you last heard from your ex and you were together for 3 years. I would feel hurt.

How are things since your last visit on the boards?

[Pretty Woman]

Blue, that so makes me want to gag. How old is this new GF? That's so over the top (her FB post).

Infatuation and Insecurity. That is what I see there.

[fred6]

It's an unconscious fantasy of the interpsychic world, a desperate effort to keep the lost object alive by avoid going through the necessery abandonment depression. Basically a form of denial.

Trust me, I've gone through my abandonment depression. My ex may be alive but our relationship is dead and has been laid to rest forever.

I know that feeling all too well, but you have to ask yourself: does it really matter? The succes or failure of their relationship is not reflection of your value. If you think otherwise, you ma still delegate her too much power, which is the exact opposite of detachment.

No, it doesn't really matter. It was just a observation and speculation on my part. Sometimes you just get bored and/or curious, and think about things.

You can't know that. Some people on the L1 board already spent decades with their BPD partners. It must be a living hell but they somehow manage to keep it together.

Keeping it together and staying in a relationship that's a "living hell" is more of a failure than just breaking up. I would say that a  "successful" is a relationship where both parties are happy with each other most of the time. In my opinion, in that regard, my ex will not be in a successful relationship for very long. But good luck to her. Like you said though, the outcome of their relationship doesn't reflect on me. That was my original point of this whole thread.

[fred6]

Hi fred6,

I can understand the curiosity with peeking on social media, its been almost a year that's passed since you last heard from your ex and you were together for 3 years. I would feel hurt.

How are things since your last visit on the boards?

Hey Mutt, how have you been? Although I don't post much anymore, I visit here once or twice a week and read a little bit. I'm doing well these days, much better than last year at this time. It's a slow process for sure, however NC has a way of forcing you to move forward. 

[Mutt]

Hi fred6,

I can understand the curiosity with peeking on social media, its been almost a year that's passed since you last heard from your ex and you were together for 3 years. I would feel hurt.

How are things since your last visit on the boards?

Hey Mutt, how have you been? Although I don't post much anymore, I visit here once or twice a week and read a little bit. I'm doing well these days, much better than last year at this time. It's a slow process for sure, however NC has a way of forcing you to move forward.  

Hi fred6,

Life is good  

My kids are thriving with dad and the ex is due any day now. Your thread topic is trouble in paradise and my ex is splitting me white and her boyfriend black and she wants rescue, I was her fixer and helper. Over two and half years ago I was in a lot of pain and angry at her and her boyfriend when I was triangulated. He's in the fire now and keeps the chaos away from me. I feel peace, I'm still rebuilding and looking forward to what the future hold for me.

[fred6]

Hi fred6,

I can understand the curiosity with peeking on social media, its been almost a year that's passed since you last heard from your ex and you were together for 3 years. I would feel hurt.

How are things since your last visit on the boards?

Hey Mutt, how have you been? Although I don't post much anymore, I visit here once or twice a week and read a little bit. I'm doing well these days, much better than last year at this time. It's a slow process for sure, however NC has a way of forcing you to move forward.  

Hi fred6,

Life is good  

My kids are thriving with dad and the ex is due any day now. Your thread topic is trouble in paradise and my ex is splitting me white and her boyfriend black and she wants rescue, I was her fixer and helper. Over two and half years ago I was in a lot of pain and angry at her and her boyfriend when I was triangulated. He's in the fire now and keeps the chaos away from me. I feel peace, I'm still rebuilding and looking forward to what the future hold for me.

So how it it between you and your ex now that she's splitting you white? Is she attempting a recycle? I don't think my ex would  ever split me white again, and that's a good thing. She's the type that just sweeps things under the rug forever as not to deal with it. However, if she did ever come back sniffing around, it would be interesting to say the least, LOL... .

[Herodias]

Thanks pretty woman- she's 26! Last night at 1:45am he posted " I love you too baby " makes me sick! He more  than likely was drunk.  :)eleted my account! I can't watch this any more- I keep telling myself he told me he loved me too… But it's still upsetting. It's going on 6 months that they were out and open about their r/s- it's going just as mine did but mine  without  Facebook. I know how the story ends thanks to you all! Mine won't split me white I'm sure because any time we have contact I'm angry- probably a good thing. He just doesn't understand my anger-  he originally thought that by the end of the year separation we might get back together, thinking that I'd be over it and not angry anymore. Well he ought to be surprised he stuck in a miserable relationship with somebody he doesn't really like, because I'm not taking him back!... .And I'm not just being bitter and angry even though I am angry, I know his type after being with him for eight years and he does not enjoy being poor,  amongst all the other things about her that he used to make fun of. The things they have in common is he's immature so is she and they both like guns… But I bet she won't like what he does with the guns if he does what he eventually did to me.  I think I'm more angry at myself for staying in something so bad for so long more than anything and since were still pending the divorce it's taking me time to get over it .  Plus to see him look like such an angel knowing what he's really -like really bothers me -  talk about fake book !

[enlighten me]

My friend told me that a few weeks ago my ex posted something that her boyfriend replied to by saying "what have I done wrong now!"

Both posts were hidden from me and she apparently deleted it straight away.

For me it was validation that he was going through what I had but more publicly. That validation made me feel good. I know I should be bigger than that but hey Im not perfect and there are so many unanswered questions that glimpses like this do make me feel as if it wasn't all my fault.

In answer to the post Yes it does seem an odd thing to post on fb. If seeing it has made you feel better then that's a bonus. These public outburst no matter how small are very unusual. Don't be surprised if it doesn't go back to hearts and flowers though.

[Pretty Woman]

Blue & Enlighten,

     They are NOT happy people. That is what we have to remember. They LOOK happy but they aren't. I saw a pic of my ex with her new GF and I can see it in her eyes. I could always tell when things were about to head south from pictures. If I look at any pictures over the past three years I can tell which ones were before a break up and which ones weren't. There is no depth, no emotion. A blank, empty stare, regardless of the smile on her face.

My ex is very predictable when it comes to FB. When she breaks up with someone she puts up a creepy picture of her reflection in the water she took off the side of a boat. Once she is done dysregulating then it's a picture of her smiling between trees. It's the same pics each and every time. When she would dissapear for a week she would post angry animals and buddist quotes.

I know what to look for when things head south yet I'm not looking. This time I blocked her. We have a few mutual friends (more my friends who don't want to cause drama with her). They are watching out for me. Other than that, I really don't need to know what's going on in her life. All I know is I was miserable, depressed and tired from dating her.

[Herodias]

She said " he is my rock" well, good luck having a pathological liar, serial cheater, porn addicted alcoholic, cutter as a rock!  I know he's not happy posting drunk at 1:45 am- he probably feels bad she's posting that and doesn't even know him... .Again- I'm angry at myself, but somehow I kept trying to make my marriage work until he brought that other woman into my bed on Christmas- that's unforgivable after the domestic violence-

[Pretty Woman]

Blue,

  All of that is unforgivable... .the cheating the domestic violence.

She will not be treated any better. Some people are more naieve... .sometimes it takes longer for the ex's mask to drop... .some people have different tolerance levels for being mistreated... .

all I know is you are safe. The only thing holding you, me, and everyone else back is our mindsets. It's good to be angry, it's good to be sad... .all part of grief but at some point we have to let these F'rs () go!

[Mutt]

Hi fred6,

I can understand the curiosity with peeking on social media, its been almost a year that's passed since you last heard from your ex and you were together for 3 years. I would feel hurt.

How are things since your last visit on the boards?

Hey Mutt, how have you been? Although I don't post much anymore, I visit here once or twice a week and read a little bit. I'm doing well these days, much better than last year at this time. It's a slow process for sure, however NC has a way of forcing you to move forward.  

Hi fred6,

Life is good  

My kids are thriving with dad and the ex is due any day now. Your thread topic is trouble in paradise and my ex is splitting me white and her boyfriend black and she wants rescue, I was her fixer and helper. Over two and half years ago I was in a lot of pain and angry at her and her boyfriend when I was triangulated. He's in the fire now and keeps the chaos away from me. I feel peace, I'm still rebuilding and looking forward to what the future hold for me.

So how it it between you and your ex now that she's splitting you white? Is she attempting a recycle? I don't think my ex would  ever split me white again, and that's a good thing. She's the type that just sweeps things under the rug forever as not to deal with it. However, if she did ever come back sniffing around, it would be interesting to say the least, LOL... .

Hi fred6,

I hear you. I didn't think that I was going to be split white again after having been split black for over 3 years. This has been the longest split. She seldom talks to me she's going through stress with the pregnancy and she's busy lashing out at her bf. Being split white doesn't happen all at once and she knows I'm not interested. She validates me and that's her her way of telling me she needs me.