Sister with BPD, possibly

[kgsmalls]

I don't know what to do anymore, I am running out of patience.

I am 23. I have two sisters from my mother and father. My father left my mother when I was about 8, my sister (L) who I think has BPD was 11 then (my oldest sister(N) was 14). My mother really put us through a lot during that time. My father cheated on my mom and got another woman pregnant, who he went on to marry. They are still married almost 12 years later. The term emotional incest is new to me, but I guess that was what it was. My mom would sit and talk to us for HOURS about how sad she was and why my dad would leave us. She would ask us to talk to our dad about coming home during our visitation time with him. If we didn't talk to him about it she would punish us. It got to the point where I didn't see my dad for months on end, for a few years. Never saw him on holidays. He quit calling because he knew it made it harder on us because our mom would freak out. I moved out when I was 18, in with my oldest sister(N) who had a husband and 2 kids. But even before moving in I was always at her house. I didn't stay around my mother and sister much because I was unhappy. But I was still very depressed and N made the very responsible decision of sending me to live with my dad who took care of me mentally (getting me to a dr, on medicine, in therapy, etc). When I was 20 I moved in with my boyfriend. So I feel like I escaped my home life, got the help I need and am better for it. I am very happy and feel emotionally stable. Also have financial stability, a job, a car, a dog (LOL).

I think my mom and sister both have BPD. However, my mom is on anxiety pills and honestly is a lot better off now. I think with time she just got over her anger about my dad, and I have forgiven her for a lot. But my sister L never really got out of the house and even when I still lived there, she spent a lot of time in her room. She was overweight, had social anxiety, didn't pick guys that were exactly good catches, I think because she thought so lowly of herself. She always could play a pity party and she really was sweet growing up, but now she is a whole different person.

((this is just a few examples so feel free to pass these stories))

It started getting worse probably 3 years ago. She lies, constantly. It first started off as a little white lie. She told us her friend gave her some accessories when really she bought them from the friend. Weird thing to lie about but not a big thing. Then it escalates. Lying about where she is, who she is dating. She is dating an old highschool boyfriend again, who cheated on her and got another girl pregnant in highschool (who happened to be her best friend). She asked us to give him another chance and we did, but since they've dated so much has gone wrong and I am completely against him. He has given her an STD, threatened her, gives his ex-wife her number. He lost his kids and says it's his ex-wifes fault but I don't believe it one bit. I think they are both unfit parents and L for some reason buys his BS excuses. It got to the point that she woke us up at 4am one morning, saying that he beat her up. Me, N and our dad rush over to find that she is fine, but she called the cops and he was arrested because he was on probation. The way she made it sound, she was in a bloody pulp. But she had a tiny bruise (she is anemic and she bruises VERY easily, like if you tap her it turns black and blue). Anyway, we didn't even know they had been talking, but she tells us they had been living together. For 3 months she told us they hadn't spoken but they paid rent together in an apartment. But still, I stood by her side and helped her file a protection order. She says she filed it but he never got it. So they talk again and go to church. She is a new practicing Christian. That is fine but I don't think its what she needs. I think she needs mental help, which I've told her. She blows up over everything. Anytime she comes over she will blow up about SOMETHING, even the tiniest little thing. Like my sister N's driveway is small. So whoever gets there last has to park on the street, probably a 15 second walk from the house. She will cuss us out over that. I park on the street all the time if I'm the last one and it's not a big deal, it shouldn't be.

My mom lives out of town and she came in to town for the weekend. We were all going for dinner, just my mom and us 3 sisters. We asked her to meet us down the road from N's house because there was no where to park and we were all going in one car to eat anyway. This ruined the entire night. From there on out she was a complete you-know-what. My sister and I just decided to be silly because it's our way of breaking the ice with her, eventually it worked and she relaxed. But it's always like this.

We all went to the beach a few weekends ago for my nieces birthday. It was my mom, us 3 sisters, my boyfriend, N's husband and their 2 kids. We went to the beach early and about mid day it looks like its about to storm. So we start packing everything up and as we are it starts thundering, lightening, wind is crazy, etc. We are all running to the car like crazy people and start throwing everything in the cars. It was pretty funny actually. But when we get to the car my sister slams her car door and stomps up to the condo. I ask my mom what happened and she said "shes pissed because we were throwing stuff in her car". There were 3 cars, keep in mind, that we were all throwing stuff into. So whatever, just another fit, it'll be over. When I get up to the condo all hell has broken loose. Apparently, she went to the main bathroom to wash off and found my sister and brother in law spraying the sand off their kids in the shower and she just absolutely lost it. Calling N a f***ing b**ch. When my sister confronted her about it she started hitting her. Then she was threatening to leave. After the weather passed we went back to the beach. L eventually joined us and it was like nothing happened. It's crazy.

I can't handle it anymore. It is like this all the time and she turns it around on us. When N confronted her about why she flipped out at the beach, she said maybe you need to learn how to deal with someone when they are having a panic attack. That's crazy. We all have had them, we understand them. It's becoming a burden to deal with. She doesn't have health insurance til next month maybe. And I don't know what to do. I talk to her as little as possible. But she acts like shes just fine and we are the ones with problems. It drives me crazy! I am sad and feel guilty a lot, and then I'll just be angry at her. And then I'll feel bad and miss her and want to help. But i don't know what to do anymore. Please help.

[HappyChappy]

Firstly welcome, you've come to the right place, judging by what you've had to endure.  

So if I understand it correctly,  your mother and sister both display very challenging behaviour. You feel they both may have BPD. You left home to live with your other sister when you were 20. But continued contact with the two BPD in your life and this is wearing you down ? Is that a fair synopsis ?

If your mother and sister do have BPD, then you’re unlikely to change them. You mention she acts as if you're the one with the problem, a BPD never thinks they're to blame, so they will project that back onto you. Hence your options are to either, learn techniques to better manage the relationship, e.g. S.E.T and others, or reduce contact to limited (LC) or even no contact (NC). You hint you may be LC. I also have a double whammy,  older sibling & mom and left alone with those two is just unhealthy. Tell us more, what have you done so far to ease things for yourself ?

[kgsmalls]

Firstly welcome, you've come to the right place, judging by what you've had to endure.  

So if I understand it correctly,  your mother and sister both display very challenging behaviour. You feel they both may have BPD. You left home to live with your other sister when you were 20. But continued contact with the two BPD in your life and this is wearing you down ? Is that a fair synopsis ?

If your mother and sister do have BPD, then you’re unlikely to change them. You mention she acts as if you're the one with the problem, a BPD never thinks they're to blame, so they will project that back onto you. Hence your options are to either, learn techniques to better manage the relationship, e.g. S.E.T and others, or reduce contact to limited (LC) or even no contact (NC). You hint you may be LC. I also have a double whammy,  older sibling & mom and left alone with those two is just unhealthy. Tell us more, what have you done so far to ease things for yourself ?

Hey, not sure if I am doing this right, LOL.

I left home at 18, to live with my other sister (non BPD). But yes, I continued contact with mom and my BPD sister. My mother only moved out of town about a year ago. She lives about 6 hours from me now, so contact is mainly through text now. She will come and visit every 2ish months, usually. She is wanting to move in with my non BPD sister when they move into a bigger house and I think that is detrimental to our entire family. My non BPD sister and mother have never gotten along. But like I said in the post, my mom has really gotten a lot better in the last few years. I mean she used to be terrible, a terrible mother and person. But she has come a long way. But I still think them living together will completely ruin all the progress they (and our entire family) have made. And when my mom comes to town to visit (usually just for 4ish days), nobody fights. It's nice.

My BPD sister on the other hand is a mess. It's nothing but fights, or lies. I can't trust her at all. I don't believe a thing that comes out of her mouth anymore. She also recently joined mary kay, which I think is horrible anyway because she doesn't have the money you need to make an MK business work. But she is changing completely, becoming best friends with my old best friend who has consistently treating me badly and that's very hurtful to me. That was a friendship ending that I still haven't fully gotten over. I confronted her about it and she pretty much blamed me for falling out with that friend. That is her MK director so I know they are really only friends because she is making money off of my sister. And she is all Godly on facebook and when texting me and that is fine but I know that's not her. It's like she is adopting this new identity to look better or to help her sleep at night. She is still the same awful person she was before this whole Christian phase, but now she has a holier-than-thou attitude about everything. I am not religious and have no religious beliefs or affiliations and it's almost like she pities me because of it. Even though I have told her I am comfortable and happy in my beliefs and have no problem with hers. I really do think it helps her feel better about the way she acts.

On July 4th we invited her over to nonBPD sister's house and she brought her best friend (who is probably 4-5 years younger than her, he is younger than me). This was before her Christian thing. She got really drunk and cried all night and basically ruined the night since me, nonBPD sister and her best friend all were trying to comfort her and get her to calm down. Then we got her into bed and she fell asleep and we asked her best friend is he noticed how bad it had gotten. He had plenty of stories, like how she is horrible to work with (they work at a coffee shop together) bc she will throw tantrums. Another about how she randomly drove 8 hours away to their friends apartment (she had recently moved) saying that she and him were getting an apartment. He never agreed to that and he was so confused. We never heard about that. It's just crazy stuff like that.

I guess to ease things so far with BPD sister, I have pulled back talking to her as much. But it really is hard. I get overwhelming feelings of guilt just randomly. Like I will be watching tv with my boyfriend and all of a sudden just feel like crying or feel like a horrible sister because I don't talk to her much or don't help her. Or because we fought and I told her she needed help or that I was done with her. Or I'm afraid something will happen to her and our last words weren't kind, or she'll do something to herself and it will be my fault. Very rarely do I think of her and feel happy or content or hopeful. Or like I'll ignore her message and two days later I'll reply because I feel guilty for ignoring her.

[Meadowslark]

First off, welcome!

Secondly, have some of these:   

There are several of us here that are dealing with BPD siblings. I encourage you to continue to post here - it'll help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. Guilt regarding these things is totally normal. I felt it too when I was in the process of going NC with my own BPDsister. The guilt sometimes eats you alive and you think, "Family is supposed to be close. Family isn't supposed to ignore each other."

But when family is incredibly unhealthy, it's not your fault for wanting to protect yourself. 

I've been absolute NC with my younger BPDsister for about 9 months now. She's gone through identities like your older sister - first she was goth, then punk rock, then all about Japan, then all about Germany, and now she's claiming to be transgender. She hasn't hit a religious phase yet but I wouldn't be surprised if one popped up further down the road. 

Keep posting here. It'll definitely help you sort out what's going on, and you have a lot of support among us. 

[kgsmalls]

First off, welcome!

Secondly, have some of these:   

There are several of us here that are dealing with BPD siblings. I encourage you to continue to post here - it'll help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. Guilt regarding these things is totally normal. I felt it too when I was in the process of going NC with my own BPDsister. The guilt sometimes eats you alive and you think, "Family is supposed to be close. Family isn't supposed to ignore each other."

But when family is incredibly unhealthy, it's not your fault for wanting to protect yourself. 

I've been absolute NC with my younger BPDsister for about 9 months now. She's gone through identities like your older sister - first she was goth, then punk rock, then all about Japan, then all about Germany, and now she's claiming to be transgender. She hasn't hit a religious phase yet but I wouldn't be surprised if one popped up further down the road. 

Keep posting here. It'll definitely help you sort out what's going on, and you have a lot of support among us. 

Thank you! I guess I am mostly worried because I'm afraid she won't have anyone soon. I don't want to be responsible for her having no one and being alone in life. Her life is already in shambles. She lies, steals money (she actually took about 5k from my aunt for a house down payment, didn't get the house and we have no idea what happened to that money, she is broke again with nothing to show for it). I have no idea what to think anymore. I feel sad putting myself in her shoes. I've tried telling her a lot that she is in charge of her life and the outcome and it's like I'm speaking to a wall. She'll ask for advice but nothing comes from it. Then she'll tell us to stop butting into her life. How, HOW do I get over the guilt and try to cut ties as much as possible? Do you think theres a chance of her changing at all? With therapy or medication? I don't know if she even would. She says she has meetings with her pastor but that's not what she needs.

[Meadowslark]

Thank you! I guess I am mostly worried because I'm afraid she won't have anyone soon. I don't want to be responsible for her having no one and being alone in life. Her life is already in shambles. She lies, steals money (she actually took about 5k from my aunt for a house down payment, didn't get the house and we have no idea what happened to that money, she is broke again with nothing to show for it). I have no idea what to think anymore. I feel sad putting myself in her shoes. I've tried telling her a lot that she is in charge of her life and the outcome and it's like I'm speaking to a wall. She'll ask for advice but nothing comes from it. Then she'll tell us to stop butting into her life. How, HOW do I get over the guilt and try to cut ties as much as possible? Do you think theres a chance of her changing at all? With therapy or medication? I don't know if she even would. She says she has meetings with her pastor but that's not what she needs.

Oh hun, we've been there. We totally understand and relate. It's such a struggle with the guilt, possibly thinking you're the last person they have and if you leave, they have no one.

Like you, I had so many conversations with my sister regarding personal accountability, responsibility and that she's in charge of her life (not anyone else). Like you, it was like talking to a brick wall. pwBPD oftentimes have a very hard time taking responsibility, if they can even fathom that at all. They project their feelings onto others and blame everyone but themselves for their life circumstances.

My sister's antics cost me $3k, she stole some things of mine I can't get back, she smeared me online to anyone who would listen... .they're like natural disasters. You're the trailer park and they're the tornado, as it were. My weak boundaries cost me a great deal of time, money and self-esteem.

You had said you feel sad putting yourself in her shoes. That shows real concern, compassion and empathy.  

How do you get over the guilt? That takes time. Time and support. You have a lot of support here (and if you want, my PM box is always open!) and all the time you allow yourself to have. Remember, you and your feelings are worth it. You are worth the time and effort.   Please exercise some self-care! Do things you like to do - go to movies, snuggle with your BF/animals/both, take up hobbies, go to the spa~ Do something for you and you alone.

Know that whether or not your sister has "anyone left" is not your responsibility. You are not responsible for her actions or feelings. She is. Cutting ties with family, siblings you've grown up with, is very difficult. No one way works for everyone. Long story short, here's what I did:

After one too many threats against me, family pets and herself, an incredibly insulting "apology letter" and a lengthy and crazy smear campaign, I decided I was done. Some people like to tell their BPD in person or in writing through email that they cannot have contact anymore. I did not do this because my sister would use it as fuel for her online shenanigans, so I cut contact quietly. My BPDsis is blocked on phone, email and online wherever she and I had a shared presence. If you decide to cut ties, do what works best for you. Take a few days, talk to some healthy folks about it (us, healthy family, boyfriend, whoever you like!) and decide what is best for you.

Do I think there's a chance of her changing? Honestly, I don't know. Nobody here can answer that except your sister. No one but your sister can change your sister. It took me a long time to personally accept that my sister may never change and that she'll be a trainwreck for the rest of her life. Your sister's life is her own responsibility, regardless of how vehemently she denies this.

Therapy and medication might help but again, it's all about intention. Your sister has to want to get better for therapy to work. She has to be proactive and willing to put in the effort. My sister was diagnosed earlier this year and prescribed DBT, but she made excuses not to go, then ran off to the other side of the country instead of facing her problems.

The focus now should be on you, hun.   We're here for you now. What can we do to help?

[HappyChappy]

I guess I am mostly worried because I'm afraid she won't have anyone soon. I don't want to be responsible for her having no one and being alone in life.

You sound a very empathetic caring person. But when you said "I don't want to be responsible for her having no one" you already are not responsible. If a relative of ours doesn’t know how to treat people and isolates themselves that is 100% their issue their fault. What value is there us taking that on, other than to anchor us to them ?

In order to help anyone (including your BPD), you must first help yourself. Sound like you need some you time. But your BPD will encourage you away from that. Never forget we children of BPD were brought up to believe our BPD needs come before all others. That’s not a balanced or health relationship. Well at least not for me. Wishing you peace.   

[kgsmalls]

Thank you! I guess I am mostly worried because I'm afraid she won't have anyone soon. I don't want to be responsible for her having no one and being alone in life. Her life is already in shambles. She lies, steals money (she actually took about 5k from my aunt for a house down payment, didn't get the house and we have no idea what happened to that money, she is broke again with nothing to show for it). I have no idea what to think anymore. I feel sad putting myself in her shoes. I've tried telling her a lot that she is in charge of her life and the outcome and it's like I'm speaking to a wall. She'll ask for advice but nothing comes from it. Then she'll tell us to stop butting into her life. How, HOW do I get over the guilt and try to cut ties as much as possible? Do you think theres a chance of her changing at all? With therapy or medication? I don't know if she even would. She says she has meetings with her pastor but that's not what she needs.

Oh hun, we've been there. We totally understand and relate. It's such a struggle with the guilt, possibly thinking you're the last person they have and if you leave, they have no one.

Like you, I had so many conversations with my sister regarding personal accountability, responsibility and that she's in charge of her life (not anyone else). Like you, it was like talking to a brick wall. pwBPD oftentimes have a very hard time taking responsibility, if they can even fathom that at all. They project their feelings onto others and blame everyone but themselves for their life circumstances.

My sister's antics cost me $3k, she stole some things of mine I can't get back, she smeared me online to anyone who would listen... .they're like natural disasters. You're the trailer park and they're the tornado, as it were. My weak boundaries cost me a great deal of time, money and self-esteem.

You had said you feel sad putting yourself in her shoes. That shows real concern, compassion and empathy. 

How do you get over the guilt? That takes time. Time and support. You have a lot of support here (and if you want, my PM box is always open!) and all the time you allow yourself to have. Remember, you and your feelings are worth it. You are worth the time and effort.   Please exercise some self-care! Do things you like to do - go to movies, snuggle with your BF/animals/both, take up hobbies, go to the spa~ Do something for you and you alone.

Know that whether or not your sister has "anyone left" is not your responsibility. You are not responsible for her actions or feelings. She is. Cutting ties with family, siblings you've grown up with, is very difficult. No one way works for everyone. Long story short, here's what I did:

After one too many threats against me, family pets and herself, an incredibly insulting "apology letter" and a lengthy and crazy smear campaign, I decided I was done. Some people like to tell their BPD in person or in writing through email that they cannot have contact anymore. I did not do this because my sister would use it as fuel for her online shenanigans, so I cut contact quietly. My BPDsis is blocked on phone, email and online wherever she and I had a shared presence. If you decide to cut ties, do what works best for you. Take a few days, talk to some healthy folks about it (us, healthy family, boyfriend, whoever you like!) and decide what is best for you.

Do I think there's a chance of her changing? Honestly, I don't know. Nobody here can answer that except your sister. No one but your sister can change your sister. It took me a long time to personally accept that my sister may never change and that she'll be a trainwreck for the rest of her life. Your sister's life is her own responsibility, regardless of how vehemently she denies this.

Therapy and medication might help but again, it's all about intention. Your sister has to want to get better for therapy to work. She has to be proactive and willing to put in the effort. My sister was diagnosed earlier this year and prescribed DBT, but she made excuses not to go, then ran off to the other side of the country instead of facing her problems.

The focus now should be on you, hun.   We're here for you now. What can we do to help?

First off, thank you to everyone that is responding. It is really helping me come to terms with my feelings, although this new event that happened has me feeling like I'm back at the start.

Over the weekend I was horribly betrayed my BPD sister. I woke up Saturday morning to find my highschool best friend (I mentioned her in an earlier post, she is now BPD sister's Mary Kay director) had blocked me on all social media accounts. When I confronted BPD sister about it, she swore up and down multiple times that she had nothing to do with it and hadn't talked to her. I thought that was fishy since I hadn't talked to that girl in probably a year, or seen her in almost 2. But I have told my BPD sister that she doesn't need to do MK and that I think that friend is just using her to further her MK career. I also told her the reasons we had a falling out after highschool and why I think she isn't a good person to be around. Come to find out, BPD sister has been screen-shotting and sending this friend every message between us to this girl. I hadn't talked to this friend in forever but that wasn't the way I wanted to end this friendship and honestly, I wasn't really ready to end it right now. I did talk to the friend after the fact and told her that BPD sister is going through a lot and theres a lot that she doesn't know, and the reasons why I said the things I did, but honestly I feel like the damage has been done and I don't think I'm going to act on it any longer. What's done is done.

Either way, I am still so upset. I feel hurt and betrayed. I feel like BPD sister has backstabbed me beyond repair. I called her out on it. But as soon as she knew I had proof (the girl confirming the messages), she quit responding. We were all going to my dads that night for a family gathering and she never showed, I think because she knew nonBPD sister and I would be there and obviously be upset with her doing this. The last thing I told her was that I was over it because there is a chance of reconciliation with the friend but I ended up blocking her on instagram and haven't heard from her since. I'm going to block her on Facebook but haven't brought myself to do that yet. It's hard cutting off all our forms of communication. Every time I think about it I just want to hit block on everything I can but it's like I chicken out. I just feel so bad about it. But then I think, if this were a friend or anyone besides a family member that did this to me, I would have already blocked them and not given them the time of day. So why should she get a free pass to hurt and betray me, just because she is my sister? And it upsets me even more that I haven't gotten so much as a "sorry" from her. What she did was incredibly hurtful. Even tho I hadn't talked to that friend in so long I still cared about her like my sister, she was almost part of my family throughout highschool. But she just doesn't care that she hurt me or anyone else. She feels no remorse and I'm heartbroken.

I don't really know where to go from here. I think I've talked my boyfriend's and nonBPD sister's ears off about this and they can only tell me to do what I think is right. But at this point, I don't really know. I know that right now, unless I get some kind of apology or she owns up to what she did, I don't want much to do with her. That was kind of the last straw. And I could easily block her, why is it so hard to go through with it? I'm just going to do it. Any tips for getting past the guilty waves I know I will get? I feel guilty just thinking about it.

[kgsmalls]

I guess I am mostly worried because I'm afraid she won't have anyone soon. I don't want to be responsible for her having no one and being alone in life.

You sound a very empathetic caring person. But when you said "I don't want to be responsible for her having no one" you already are not responsible. If a relative of ours doesn’t know how to treat people and isolates themselves that is 100% their issue their fault. What value is there us taking that on, other than to anchor us to them ?

In order to help anyone (including your BPD), you must first help yourself. Sound like you need some you time. But your BPD will encourage you away from that. Never forget we children of BPD were brought up to believe our BPD needs come before all others. That’s not a balanced or health relationship. Well at least not for me. Wishing you peace.   

So I have started reading some of the lessons/workshops on this site and I'm finding them very helpful. I feel less crazy. I'm seeing how damaging this has been to our relationship and to my mindset. I've blocked her on FB and on our messaging app that we use while I'm at work. Still haven't heard an apology or anything (about what happened in the last post). I felt overwhelming guilt going to sleep last night, thinking of her all alone in her apartment. But today I'm realizing that it is probably affecting her very little. She feels no remorse for her actions, and I think right now the best thing for us is distance.