Intro Post: Sister with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I'm here because I've really been struggling with my relationship with my sister who was diagnosed with BPD a couple of years ago.

She believes that I intentionally emotionally abused her throughout her childhood. We fought a lot but I swear to God, I had no idea that she cared so much about some of the stuff I said. Even when we weren’t fighting, she was devastated by things that I said. I would just be talking about my day and she would hear comments about other people and believe they were directed towards her. At the time, I really didn’t know she was affected by those little things I was saying. If I could take all that stuff back, I would. I've made huge efforts to moderate the things that I say but it's difficult to censor myself all the time. It's also difficult to know what she is going to find offensive. Sometimes, in moments when I'm confessing to a weakness or vulnerability, even that is perceived as an insult.

Lately, even though we haven’t even been talking, thinking about her puts this huge pit in my stomach. Part of it is guilt and shame for how I’ve treated her. There is also a lot of anxiety that I really am the bad person she says I am.  Anyone whose sister hates that much must be pretty bad. So I must be pretty bad. Am I unlovable? Is this why I’m alone? How can I live with myself?

But then, I also feel guilty for these thoughts. I shouldn't be feeling bad for myself because I’m not the victim here. She’s the one struggling with a mental illness, not me. I do want to be in her life and I do want to be supportive of her. I just don't know how to do that. Despite my efforts to change my behavior in these last two years, she has actively sought  out and even fabricates reasons to hate me. She told her friends and our family that I'm homophobic and said that she's scared of me. At the time when she said these things, I was living in a different state and out of her life. Those accusations were really crushing because not only are some of my best friends gay but I would never ever physically hurt her.

I recently tried to engage my mom in a conversation but she shut me out. Recently, I've noticed that a lot of my emotions are perceived as selfish and manipulative by my family. The guilt and shame are genuine though and I wish that I could express it so that my parents would hear how sorry I am.

I've been feeling really alone and isolated recently and it would mean a lot to me to talk to someone else who is struggling with a similar situation.


-Alice

[alice1125]

Hi,

I'm here because I've really been struggling with my relationship with my sister who was diagnosed with BPD a couple of years ago.

She believes that I intentionally emotionally abused her throughout her childhood. We fought a lot but I swear to God, I had no idea that she cared so much about some of the stuff I said. Even when we weren’t fighting, she was devastated by things that I said. I would just be talking about my day and she would hear comments about other people and believe they were directed towards her. At the time, I really didn’t know she was affected by those little things I was saying. If I could take all that stuff back, I would. I've made huge efforts to moderate the things that I say but it's difficult to censor myself all the time. It's also difficult to know what she is going to find offensive. Sometimes, in moments when I'm confessing to a weakness or vulnerability, even that is perceived as an insult.

Lately, even though we haven’t even been talking, thinking about her puts this huge pit in my stomach. Part of it is guilt and shame for how I’ve treated her. There is also a lot of anxiety that I really am the bad person she says I am.  Anyone whose sister hates that much must be pretty bad. So I must be pretty bad. Am I unlovable? Is this why I’m alone? How can I live with myself?

But then, I also feel guilty for these thoughts. I shouldn't be feeling bad for myself because I’m not the victim here. She’s the one struggling with a mental illness, not me. I do want to be in her life and I do want to be supportive of her. I just don't know how to do that. Despite my efforts to change my behavior in these last two years, she has actively sought  out and even fabricates reasons to hate me. She told her friends and our family that I'm homophobic and said that she's scared of me. At the time when she said these things, I was living in a different state and out of her life. Those accusations were really crushing because not only are some of my best friends gay but I would never ever physically hurt her.

I recently tried to engage my mom in a conversation but she shut me out. Recently, I've noticed that a lot of my emotions are perceived as selfish and manipulative by my family. The guilt and shame are genuine though and I wish that I could express it so that my parents would hear how sorry I am.

I've been feeling really alone and isolated recently and it would mean a lot to me to talk to someone else who is struggling with a similar situation.


-Alice

[Kwamina]

Hi alice1125  

I've been feeling really alone and isolated recently and it would mean a lot to me to talk to someone else who is struggling with a similar situation.

I am sorry you are feeling so alone. Dealing with a BPD family-member can definitely have this effect on you. The members here know what it's like to have a family-member with this disorder so I'm glad you're reaching out for support here. I think many of us here can relate to what you're going through.

You say your sister was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. What led up to this diagnosis? Has she since gotten any kind of targeted treatment or therapy for her BPD?

She believes that I intentionally emotionally abused her throughout her childhood. We fought a lot but I swear to God, I had no idea that she cared so much about some of the stuff I said. Even when we weren’t fighting, she was devastated by things that I said. I would just be talking about my day and she would hear comments about other people and believe they were directed towards her. At the time, I really didn’t know she was affected by those little things I was saying. If I could take all that stuff back, I would. I've made huge efforts to moderate the things that I say but it's difficult to censor myself all the time. It's also difficult to know what she is going to find offensive. Sometimes, in moments when I'm confessing to a weakness or vulnerability, even that is perceived as an insult.

People with BPD are often very sensitive and as a result easily perceive innocuous comments as enormous slights. We have some resources here that might help you deal with this difficult aspect of BPD. Here's an excerpt from our article on validation that I think is particularly relevant:

Nowhere is the communication skill of validation more important than in interfacing with highly sensitive individuals, individuals with low self esteem or individuals who are easily intimidated.  This is a very valuable tool for dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings - and then to understand them - and finally to nurture them. To validate is to acknowledge and accept a person. Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge.

You can read more here:

COMMUNICATION - Validation

COMMUNICATION: Validating vs. Invalidating

Another important thing to note is that people with BPD often project their own inner turmoil, insecurities and negativity onto others. People with this disorder also often suffer from distorted thinking, often resulting in feelings equating to facts for them. Would you say this is also true for your sister?

I recently tried to engage my mom in a conversation but she shut me out. Recently, I've noticed that a lot of my emotions are perceived as selfish and manipulative by my family. The guilt and shame are genuine though and I wish that I could express it so that my parents would hear how sorry I am.

I can imagine how difficult it must be for you having your family react this way. Do you feel like your mom and the rest of your family acknowledges that your sister has been diagnosed with BPD?

How does the rest of your family view your sister and the way she behaves? What kind of relationship do they have with your sister?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[hopeful12345]

I don't want to give too much info here, but I do want to say I understand. I was the one designated to be the bad guy for all the problems in my family. I am older than you, and got a lot of help outside of the family, and now am happy without them. I honor by family of choice.

My best advice is to get help for how badly you feel. It is not you, it is them and you can't change them or make them have the insight to understand.

I'm sorry for you, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.