Never knew what was wrong until now

[Rockcliffe]

Hi there,

I'm so happy I stumbled across this site tonight. I've been reading through the forums, and seeing other people dealing what I am dealing with is somehow comforting.

I have been with my SO for 13 years now, we have two little girls.

I guess I should give you a background story, so you know where we've been, and what's happening. I can use all the advice/support I can get right now.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, we got together when we were barely adults, practically still teens.

I got pregnant about 4 months into the relationship, and one year later we were married.

He's always been "off" with his way of thinking (very black/white), emotional roller coaster, anger outbursts (but never violent towards me or the kids), he's frequently depressed, and I've just learned to deal with things, knowing that's who he is, and since I love him, it'll be ok.

I got my first "Taste of the madness" three years ago. I noticed one day I hadn't heard him say "I love you" to me in days, and this was something he said several times a day. So I tested my theory and made sure to say loud and clear "I love you" before hanging up the phone, he just kind of changed the subject and then hung up. I talked to him that night and asked what was wrong. He told me he didn't love me anymore, never has. He's just always done what he thought was right for the kids, always did things, and said things to me, just because he wanted to see me smile, and be happy. But he was done lying to me, and it wasn't fair to him anymore, and he was leaving. I was heartbroken. I was under the asumption everything was ok with us, great even. Yeah we had the occasional spat, but who doesn't. This was right out of left field for me. I was told to "get over it" "deal with it" "move on" etc.

Well we were stuck in a situation where neither of us could move for a few months, so I used that time to talk to him, try to reconnect, and fast forward like 4 months, we ended up moving into a new apartment together. A year later, he started telling me he loved me again.

Well... .last month I noticed those same traits coming out again. One thing lead to another and BAM... .De Ja Vu. Same exact speech. Doesn't love me, never did, etc. This time I was going to move out with the kids, but before it happened, he came to me almost in tears and said he didn't want to lose me, or the girls, and he wanted things to work. A few days later, I mentioned us being together again, and he flipped out. Said he NEVER said that. It's as if that entire conversation never happened.

So now here we are, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, but not as husband and wife. I really don't know what you would call us right now.

But now... .he's going back and forth (push/pull) between being completely sweet and the man that I know and love, and giving me the silent treatment and getting mad at little things.

My head and heart hurt. I love this man so much, and my gut tells me it's going to be ok again, just give him time and he'll come back around. For how long I don't know, and maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, but I'd go through that with him, because he is my best friend.

I talked to a friend of mine who is a therapist and she said to look up BPD and see if that fits. When I found it, I burst out in tears. Every symptom, every trait is my husband to a "T". There's a name for it! I have been researching everything I can the last few days. The downside to knowing what's wrong with him ( his mom was diagnosed with BPD when he was a kid) is he doesn't "believe" in mental disorders, or therapy. Again with the black/white. He believes if you're depressed, it's because of the situation you're in, change that, and you change. Thus, ending our relationship.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. More or less letting you know what I'm going through and asking if anyone else has been through the same. Can it get better? Can he come back again? I am torn.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Hi,  Welcome.  Yes.  Been through something very similar.  (my story is below) My heart goes out to you and your daughters.  Black and white thinking?  More like feeling.  Its the BPD FEELING THAT ARE BLACK AND WHITE.  I'm sure your husband thinks theirs value in the marriage and family, though for some reason he doesn't feel it.  You sound beautiful and kind.  Though BPD is a mental disorder.  Your in the discovering process.  Meaning.  Learning.  Put the moment aside, and your feeling, what you deserve want, and just read everything you can.  Is this healthy. (heck no)  Why do it.  Knowledge is potential power,  are feelings will and do cloud what we learn.  Your feelings could be everything from, I want this to work, to I hate him, taking the kids and leaving. 

If you take a set window of time, let say three months and just learn everything you can about BPD, and just observe your self and husband not trying to figure out what to do.  Which with out a better understanding is Gosh darn impossible.  Trust me,  ultimately you have two options stay or leave.  You need more information to know if your up for a life time of what this is.  By just taking the time to step back in a mindfulness caring way,  while you focus on learning about BPD for the next month or so, you will be able to know if your up for the job,  Hope this help.



my story, BPD ex used to visit me at work.  I had little interest.  She was off, if you know what i mean.  Reluctantly at the advice of relatives and friends suggestion i give her a chance,  after all i was just rejected by a young lady and knew how it felted being interested, but not getting even one date.

first date and several others, no magic spark at all,  it was not until after she crashed her car with me in it, that i started to fall for her. Holding her while she cried made me feel what she was going through deeply.

She crashed her car again, lost her job, was addicted to a lot of stuff, had possibility of two years prison time.   I was always their, even when she pushed me a way to have a relationship (sex with someone else) and then act like we were in a relationship when she needed her rent paid. 

Eventually after she hit rock bottom she wanted to move in,  I "we" cleared up her legal issues, got her off drugs, helped her reconnect with family and she got a job.  the day she moved in I had $400,000.00.  When i kick her out i was broke, financially and mentally,  I nearly almost beat her the night before i told her to leave,  lucky some how i never laid a had on her and took all my aggression out on kitchen wears by throwing them out of the third story window.  I never ever was angry towards her, or threatening.  Up until that evening I was mostly calm loving and always thoughtful partner. 

     She knew something was up, and yet could not understand that it could possibly have anything to do with her behavior.  In a way it really didn't.  I had my on childhood triggers.  haven't exploded in a survival rage in seven years.  It took a fair amount of therapy and self reflection.  as a child their were some caregivers who would torment me the most when they saw i was the happiest.

     I was always able to be their for her.  except this one time coming home.  I was the happiest I have been in a long time.  I went up to her literally singing and all smiles.    She lightly raged, and that was it,  all that love work and tender moments didn't matter to me.  She was just like those people who were suppose to protect me, but instead deliberately destroyed any happiness i had.

I finally realized what it is like to be BPD, I was in survival mode and had to protect my happiness and childhood wounds.  She was no longer the women I wanted to marry, life partner, or  best friend. In an emotional instance, she was the enemy, and had to go.  After two weeks i calmed down, and really could not understand what happened to me. After some self reflection.  I asked to reconcile. Yet when we met, those same feelings returned.  I was to hurt and resentful to be aware of her needs.  I needed (wanted, only we can personally address are inner demons) her to step up and be their for me.  Of course most people especially a BPD can not really be available to address a persons childhood wounds.   Only we can do that. 

I reflected and tried one more time to reconcile, with no response or interest on her part.

i honestly love her and wish we could be together, (am i waiting for her to come back? no) 

Present day, I now am in a beautiful relationship with a women who cares about me and will most likely be my life partner, shes a pharmacist, no drama, healthy no drugs, wants kids, and loves me to death.

I am still struggling with loving.  I know I love my ex and always will.

(i also loved how some drugs felt in college, just because something feels amazing doesn't mean its good for you)  Sometime I wish my ex would reach out to me says she's in therapy, that she would like me to join her and we could pick up were we left of and she sorry, and forgives me.  I know its crazy, but that love I had for her felt so good. 

Most of the time i just feel grateful, to have a peaceful, reliable, stress free relationship.  Even though it lacks a deep feeling of love, it is healthy and life is so much more richer.  Thanks for reading, I hope this helps you in your journey.

[an0ught]

Hi Rockcliffe,


this push pull can be exhausting  . The way I often look at relationships is that there is like, love (whatever that is) or anger/hate and there is attachment. In most of the long term relationships with kids and a lot of emotional up-and-down the latter is strong. There is also often fear in these relationship and fear tends to activate the attachment system. So in some sense these relationships are stable but not really happy. Fighting break-up may well be a fight not needed and fighting for happiness may well be more important in the long run.

He believes if you're depressed, it's because of the situation you're in, change that, and you change. Thus, ending our relationship.

There is some truth to his thinking. However taking a step back we are in control to a degree of what we feel. And we are also to a degree in control of the situation we are in. PwBPD - almost by definition - create situations in which they struggle. And him running away likely sets him up for failure elsewhere but telling him won't do any good. In the back of his mind he probably knows  .

I don't really know what I'm asking here. More or less letting you know what I'm going through and asking if anyone else has been through the same. Can it get better? Can he come back again? I am torn.

Study the LESSONS and the related workshops. Take and build relationships here and learn from the paths other members have taken. There is hope - you got a lot more power than you realize when you use what you have in a skillful way.

,

a0