how can I reassure my BPD fiance that I'm not going to leave her?

[johnandallie15]

 I need help to explain to my fiance that I'm not going to leave her. I love her so much and wait to help her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[goodintentions]

Hi johnandallie15, and welcome!

People with BPD are especially sensitive to rejection and can have very intense fear of abandonment. They may look to others for their sense of self. And that can lead to frantic behavior, as they try to avoid abandonment (real or imaginary) at all costs.

The truth is, you can't prove anything to her, because that fear is part of her self/core. If her fear stems from BPD, it's something she has to work through in therapy. And while no level of explaining will ultimately remove her fears, there are ways you can learn to communicate better about these things.

Have you had a chance to check out the lessons on this site yet? I've learned a lot from them, particularly about validation as a tool.

When I was engaged, I thought things would be so much better once she saw that I wasn't going to leave her. So I worked very hard to reassure her, and poured a lot of energy into doing romantic things in hopes of proving my love.

7 years later, she throws this in my face constantly, saying I don't love her. Because I don't do all those crazy romantic things I used to do when we were engaged... .when I didn't have a family, and could stay up all night working on these projects. Real life sets in (jobs, families, responsibilities, health issues, etc.) and the honeymoon phase ends at some point. The fear of abandonment, however, does not.

But you can learn to respond differently to it.

[livednlearned]

Hi johnandallie15,

I wanted to join goodintentions in welcoming you to the site 

It's so perplexing when our loved one feels something so different than we do -- and we try to comfort them and want to prove how we feel. This is often in contrast to how they feel.

goodintentions mentioned validation, and this is an excellent skill to learn about and apply. It is so easy to understand, and can be immediately effective, though I have learned over the years that I have to continually keep learning. Validation is both words and actions, and also facial expressions and body language. Authenticity is so important.

With your fiance, validation is accepting and acknowledging that she feels the way she feels. It's real for her in that moment. She wants to hear that you hear her. When we hear our loved one say something that is not true for us, we invalidate them. We tell them their feelings are wrong. A pwBPD is more sensitive to that than most.

Have you had a chance to look at our lessons on validation (in the sidebar to the right)?

I'm glad you're here and found the site. I hope you'll post more when you're ready to share.



LnL

[an0ught]

Hi johnandallie15,

as other have mentioned validation is key. As you are new and validation of negative emotions is difficult and validation of fear of abandonment is even more difficult let's think about it for a moment.

Putting yourself in her shoes. She fears being left. Possibly she has been left before as a child or as a partner. Think about it there may be an increasing level of conflict in your relationship. You landed at our shore for some reason. Is it inconceivable that the relationship could break up? May likely break up? Is beyond repair? Is doomed? Thinking in extremes is what pwBPD do. Fear escalates. But there is a kernel of truth. You start arguing with what little truth there is - it could happen - and resistance kicks in: ":)oom is more than 100% certain!". She needs to hear that you know she is afraid. Don't ask her why - she simply is and you know. You accept that she is scared. Marriage is a big change and in some sense scary.

Listening without responding to uncomfortable feelings and voicing uncomfortable emotions is not easy. But that is what is needed - because that is who she is at the moment. Acknowledge and respect it.

,

a0