Tolerating her moods vs Accepting her moods

[ArleighBurke]

My uBPDw also has PTSD and depression. Often she will go and lie in bed in the afternoon (after a hard day at work or on a weekend) when she's feeling down, or after being annoyed with me, or overwhelmed by life or any variety of reasons.

In the past, I would go and be with her all the time to try to work out what I did wrong, make her feel better etc. Since finding out about BPD and getting my self-respect back 3yrs ago, I now will let her have time to herself (maybe 15-20mins), then go in and see her, perhaps lie down and wrap my arms around her, talk about how she's feeling for 10mins, then get up and go run the house and our 3 kids.

My uBPDw and I were talking last night, and she said that it felt like I TOLERATED her emotions, but didn't ACCEPT her emotions. We tried to work out the difference - and came to the conclusion that TOLERATING something means allowing it, but disagreeing internally with it.

I do feel that I ACCEPT she has emotions, and I allow her to do whatever shes needs to when she feels down/angry/hurt etc. I don't rush her out of bed, I allow her to be in her mood for as long as she needs, I accept that she can't at that time bear noisy kids, can't make decisions etc. I understand that high emotions are part of her, and that's just the way it is.

But she's right - my behavior and mindset is actually TOLERATING that stuff, not ACCEPTING it. I accept it's part of her, but I don't understand it, nor would I want it to be part of me, so I am tolerating it in my life. Given the chance I would get rid of it.

So my question: is my mindset wrong? SHOULD I move to ACCEPTANCE rather than TOLERANCE? I can understand that perhaps she's just annoyed that she can't drag me into her drama/hole, but perhaps I am also wrong and I should be changing my mindset. If so - how do I do that? What does it look like?

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[Cat Familiar]

That's really great that you are questioning yourself about changing your mindset. To me that indicates how open and loving you are to your wife, and accepting of her moods and dysfunctional behavior.

That said, I personally can't even imagine being in your position and not having some feelings that would fall into the "judgemental" category. After all, she is choosing to indulge her emotions rather than take on her shared responsibilities for childcare and household tasks.

I don't know if you feel she does her share or if she avoids work and responsibility, as many pwBPDs do.

I'm not nearly as nice and compassionate with my husband as you are with your wife. I know BPD is a mental illness and that he doesn't have the executive control over his emotions that I do over my own. However, it seems like a slippery slope sometimes when I'm too supportive of his weaknesses; it's almost like he's training me to take more responsibility while he takes increasingly less.

Bottom line--I think your wife feels guilty or embarrassed about her ability to control her emotions, though I doubt she would admit it or possibly even be aware of that. So she wants you to approve of her, no matter how she behaves. I couldn't do that. I think it's really nice how supportive you are of her now. I'm not sure you could ever fill that gaping hole in her self esteem, no matter how hard you try.

[ArleighBurke]

Cat Familiar said: So she wants you to approve of her, no matter how she behaves.

I think that's true. She has said before that she wants me to accept ALL of her, not just the bits I like. (Black and white thinking? I need to either accept all of her or none of her?)

[an0ught]

I often find it useful to think in the categories of

- in this moment

- in this space

I can more easily totally accept that she is extremely distraught, crying, not having any hope, life is useless, ... .

... .in that moment and in that space. I can truly validate that. And maybe after some time when sobbing gets quieter slip that maybe this goes over, there is another, brighter side to it (not that we need to dive into that right now) etc...