Did I do the right thing?

[disorderedsociety]

I got an apology email after 7 months of NC, very generalized. Link is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281624.0

So my question is, would it have maybe been better not to reply at all? Does replying simply, "Thanks." make me look weak?

And is there a chance she really is in a better frame of mind now? Maybe this guy knows her better? Or if she is in a better frame of mind perhaps it only means she exerts more control over him and thus feels comfortable emailing me to get validation?

[FannyB]

DS


'Weak' in whose eyes - yours, hers or your peers on this Board?

For me a simple 'thanks' signifies strength. You neither tried to manufacture a recycle, nor were you so terrified of her 'hold' over you that you couldn't risk a response.

Textbook manners too! 


Fanny

[Mutt]

Hi disorderedsociety,

Your ex sounds sincere with her apology and you were looking for closure. I agree with FannyB and saying a simple thanks isn't a sign of weakness. I believe in always being kind, we don't know the battles people are facing inside.

I get the impression that you're curious with what's happening in her r/s and if she's putting her feelers out. Is that the case?

[disorderedsociety]

Hi disorderedsociety,

Your ex sounds sincere with her apology and you were looking for closure. I agree with FannyB and saying a simple thanks isn't a sign of weakness. I believe in always being kind, we don't know the battles people are facing inside.

I get the impression that you're curious with what's happening in her r/s and if she's putting her feelers out. Is that the case?

Yes cause apologizing makes me believe she's really on a better path and I can't stand to think that I was an obstacle to that. Though I suppose an apology doesn't necessarily mean she's anywhere close to being a healthy individual. It makes me feel like I just couldn't handle being with her, like I have some sort of deficit. I'm also bitter that he gets to be with a better version of her than I was with.

[Mutt]

Though I suppose an apology doesn't necessarily mean she's anywhere close to being a healthy individual. It makes me feel like I just couldn't handle being with her, like I have some sort of deficit.

I completely understand.

I feel like I need to apologize for my own bad/angry behavior and take responsibility for the way I acted. Over the years there was a lot going on and it didn't put me into a healthy frame of mind.So... .I'm sorry. And I'm not trying to argue or change what happened. It's done. I acknowledge that I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with at the time.

What does she mean she had a lot going and she wasn't in the right frame of mind?

You were together for 3 years. Was she often emotionally dysregulated and was she gradually getting worse?

[disorderedsociety]

[Though I suppose an apology doesn't necessarily mean she's anywhere close to being a healthy individual. It makes me feel like I just couldn't handle being with her, like I have some sort of deficit.

I completely understand.

I feel like I need to apologize for my own bad/angry behavior and take responsibility for the way I acted. Over the years there was a lot going on and it didn't put me into a healthy frame of mind.So... .I'm sorry. And I'm not trying to argue or change what happened. It's done. I acknowledge that I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with at the time.

What does she mean she had a lot going and she wasn't in the right frame of mind?

You were together for 3 years. Was she often emotionally dysregulated and was she gradually getting worse?

I don't know. She seemed to be a bit better, as she often mentioned, when she got on medication a year and a half in. The way she words that makes me feel like she doesn't at all see us as even having been together. Many nights were spent with her having silent panic attacks and when I'd try to soothe her shed not want to be touched. She always explained that it wasn't my fault, that she always felt empty. I suppose a lot going on could mean with her daughter and being a new parent? I have no clue. Most nights were spent with her stuck on the laptop and phone and me waiting for her to come back. Maybe she's more dissociated than I realized. From your response and re-reading that line, its almost disturbingly creepy because its like she's totally gone.

[Mutt]

She always explained that it wasn't my fault, that she always felt empty.

A sufferer of BPD lack a stable sense of self and often don't know who they are and a diagnostic criteria for BPD is chronic feelings of emptiness; the person may fear that we may find nothingness when we are close.

Individuals who match this personality disorder type have an extremely fragile self-concept that is easily disrupted and fragmented under stress and results in the experience of a lack of identity or chronic feelings of emptiness. As a result, they have an impoverished and/or unstable self structure and difficulty maintaining enduring intimate relationships.

A case study with a sufferer of BPD on lacking a sense of self and feelings of emptiness

Finally, I have no clue as to who or what I am and I experience intense feeling of emptiness. I feel like I am just faking it as I go through life. I have experimented with many lifestyles, and still don't know who or what I really am.

What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?

Do you feel like you're being hard on yourself?

[oor_wullie]

Hi disorderedsociety,

Your ex sounds sincere with her apology and you were looking for closure. I agree with FannyB and saying a simple thanks isn't a sign of weakness. I believe in always being kind, we don't know the battles people are facing inside.

I get the impression that you're curious with what's happening in her r/s and if she's putting her feelers out. Is that the case?

Yes cause apologizing makes me believe she's really on a better path and I can't stand to think that I was an obstacle to that. Though I suppose an apology doesn't necessarily mean she's anywhere close to being a healthy individual. It makes me feel like I just couldn't handle being with her, like I have some sort of deficit. I'm also bitter that he gets to be with a better version of her than I was with.

firstly, i'm going to have to say that i believe you did exactly the right thing. she said she wasn't hoping for a reply, which you can actually read as "i really hope you reply". but she would have been hoping for you say something like - that's okay, i don't blame you, or something like that. by just saying thanks, you're accepting the apology at face value, and leaving it at that.

well done!

as to her apology. well, i have to say that i don't agreer it was sincere. she mentions nothing specific in her apology - as you said, it was very generalised. she mentions that there was a lot going on, not to follow up on the things within that that she feels responsible for, but to simply use that as an excuse for her bad behaviour - it was her frame of mind that was to blame, not her.

she goes on to say that the wounds were too fresh for her to contact you earlier, implying that you were to blame for these wounds. she makes no mention of your wounds.

i'm being cynical here, because i've received exactly this kind of apology myself. it doesn't mean she's doing better now. it doesn't mean, in any way at all, that she's recovering from BPD. not in the least. if she was, she'd be more specific about the things she'd done. and she'd mention therapy, not imply that she's in a new, improved relationship.

when my exBPD recycled me, for the second time, she made exactly this kind of generalised apology. in fact, she implied that she was able to come back to me not because she'd changed, but because i had changed. she apologised for her part in the previous failure, but whenever i mentioned anything specific (and she'd done loads of crazy, BPD, nasty things), she implied that each of them was my fault. literally. so when i started to try and pin down exactly what she was apologising for, she complained that i was twisting her words, and that actually i should apologise, and that all her friends thought i was a dick, and on and on.

i stupidly allowed myself to accept her mealy-mouthed non-apology, because i so wanted to believe she had changed, and was getting better. i paid a hefty price for that vain hope.

she's playing you. she's not better. you didn't hold her back. if she's really with someone new (and that might only be her implying as much, to play you), she's playing out the exact same dysfunctional BPD game with that new person as she did with you. she's probably already on a downward spiral if she's contacting you now, trying to hook you and keep you on the line in case she needs you someplace down the road. BPDs don't come back to ex's, they recycle them. if they recover at all, it's after at least 5 years of talking therapy. her email has none of the hallmarks of BPD recovery.

if she's with someone new, then he doesn't know her better than you. if he knew her as well, or better than you, then he'd have left her by now! because that's the only thing anyone should really be doing with a BPD. leave, and go NC. as we see over and over on these boards, you cannot have a relationship with a BPD. not a real one. it's impossible.

if she's really BPD, then all she's capable of is a game. she's incapable of ever really telling the truth, to you, to herself, to anyone. you did exactly the right thing. you replied in the smallest, most non-commital way possible, enough to assuage your own need to be compassionate. you are a good person. if she tries to contact you again, my advice would be to say thank you, but sorry, you've moved on and you don't want to hear from her ever again, for any reason.

protect yourself. stay NC.

[disorderedsociety]

Hi disorderedsociety,

Your ex sounds sincere with her apology and you were looking for closure. I agree with FannyB and saying a simple thanks isn't a sign of weakness. I believe in always being kind, we don't know the battles people are facing inside.

I get the impression that you're curious with what's happening in her r/s and if she's putting her feelers out. Is that the case?

Yes cause apologizing makes me believe she's really on a better path and I can't stand to think that I was an obstacle to that. Though I suppose an apology doesn't necessarily mean she's anywhere close to being a healthy individual. It makes me feel like I just couldn't handle being with her, like I have some sort of deficit. I'm also bitter that he gets to be with a better version of her than I was with.

firstly, i'm going to have to say that i believe you did exactly the right thing. she said she wasn't hoping for a reply, which you can actually read as "i really hope you reply". but she would have been hoping for you say something like - that's okay, i don't blame you, or something like that. by just saying thanks, you're accepting the apology at face value, and leaving it at that.

well done!

as to her apology. well, i have to say that i don't agreer it was sincere. she mentions nothing specific in her apology - as you said, it was very generalised. she mentions that there was a lot going on, not to follow up on the things within that that she feels responsible for, but to simply use that as an excuse for her bad behaviour - it was her frame of mind that was to blame, not her.

she goes on to say that the wounds were too fresh for her to contact you earlier, implying that you were to blame for these wounds. she makes no mention of your wounds.

i'm being cynical here, because i've received exactly this kind of apology myself. it doesn't mean she's doing better now. it doesn't mean, in any way at all, that she's recovering from BPD. not in the least. if she was, she'd be more specific about the things she'd done. and she'd mention therapy, not imply that she's in a new, improved relationship.

when my exBPD recycled me, for the second time, she made exactly this kind of generalised apology. in fact, she implied that she was able to come back to me not because she'd changed, but because i had changed. she apologised for her part in the previous failure, but whenever i mentioned anything specific (and she'd done loads of crazy, BPD, nasty things), she implied that each of them was my fault. literally. so when i started to try and pin down exactly what she was apologising for, she complained that i was twisting her words, and that actually i should apologise, and that all her friends thought i was a dick, and on and on.

i stupidly allowed myself to accept her mealy-mouthed non-apology, because i so wanted to believe she had changed, and was getting better. i paid a hefty price for that vain hope.

she's playing you. she's not better. you didn't hold her back. if she's really with someone new (and that might only be her implying as much, to play you), she's playing out the exact same dysfunctional BPD game with that new person as she did with you. she's probably already on a downward spiral if she's contacting you now, trying to hook you and keep you on the line in case she needs you someplace down the road. BPDs don't come back to ex's, they recycle them. if they recover at all, it's after at least 5 years of talking therapy. her email has none of the hallmarks of BPD recovery.

if she's with someone new, then he doesn't know her better than you. if he knew her as well, or better than you, then he'd have left her by now! because that's the only thing anyone should really be doing with a BPD. leave, and go NC. as we see over and over on these boards, you cannot have a relationship with a BPD. not a real one. it's impossible.

if she's really BPD, then all she's capable of is a game. she's incapable of ever really telling the truth, to you, to herself, to anyone. you did exactly the right thing. you replied in the smallest, most non-commital way possible, enough to assuage your own need to be compassionate. you are a good person. if she tries to contact you again, my advice would be to say thank you, but sorry, you've moved on and you don't want to hear from her ever again, for any reason.

protect yourself. stay NC.

Thank you. This is what I suspected and exactly what I needed to hear. There's so much stifled false pride in that apology it sickens me. As if I wasn't licking fresh wounds for months afterward.

"If she's really BPD"

Well, I doubt it sometimes when I'm doubting myself, but her counselor/therapist from a couple years back did diagnose her with it during the first or second session. BPD is under her specialty list. My ex even sent me links about BPD after that saying, "I'll get better. You know I will."

Yet I still doubt. Ridiculous. I think it may be because the ego wants to have another go at trying to be with her which only feeds it and the "pain body" (if you have heard of it, Google Eckhart Tolle)

"in fact, she implied that she was able to come back to me not because she'd changed, but because i had changed."

This sounds exactly like something she'd do. An implication that it was the other's fault in the relationship, not hers.

Anyway, thanks again.

[Mutt]

Hi disorderedsociety,

This sounds exactly like something she'd do. An implication that it was the other's fault in the relationship, not hers.

You're right, BPD is a persecution complex and a sufferer of BPD can often be overwhelmed with what's going on with them and have difficulties displaying empathy and feel chronic shame.

That said, I completely understand how invalidating and frustrating that feels when our exes are not specific with their bad behaviors and are very general with an apology. Some members don't receive an apology, I would take it and run with it.

[oor_wullie]

Yet I still doubt. Ridiculous. I think it may be because the ego wants to have another go at trying to be with her which only feeds it and the "pain body" (if you have heard of it, Google Eckhart Tolle)

ultimately, the label doesn't matter. BPD, or just really, REALLY bad and problematic behaviour. from your point of view, it's all the same. the only real question is, would you really want to have a relationship with this person? sure, someone with BPD can be diagnosed, persuaded into therapy, and even stick with that therapy until they have some kind of way of coping with their symptoms. fine, but you'd be rather misguided to pin your future on that person. they'll never be free of BPD entirely, and if you're in a relationship with them, neither will you be.

but someone who behaves the way your ex behaves, regardless of their pathology, is unlikely to ever really change. that's true of most people. and it's sensible advice regardless of the person - if your relationship failed, there's a MUCH better than average chance that it will fail again, for the same reasons, should you attempt to rekindle it.

so don't waste your time worrying about whether or not she has BPD, just concern yourself with the behaviours that she presents (because these are things that you can see, and KNOW), and ask yourself how you'd manage that person in a relationship, and if that would make you happy.

her email to you, after so much absence, given its timing, and given its mealy-mouthed non-apology, is enough of a to justify your staying away from her. add to that the obviously tough time you had post-breakup, and even now, and it's clear that you need to distance yourself as much as possible from this person, to preserve yourself and your future happiness.