When does the hurt fade? Want to stop being sucked back in

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been such a hard 6 weeks after the break up. I have tried so hard to stick to my resolution of moving forward but she is like a predator and seems to always be able to suck me right back in no matter how strong I think I am. It's so painful. I have to be honest with myself and admit I'm really depressed. It's like a non gets addicted to the BPD... when the BPD/drug is taken away, you go through a hard withdrawal. I have been discarded again... .hasn't said a word to me since Thursday night but I haven't tried speaking to her either. I want to stay strong. I can't keep living my life like this with the hurt and pain... .I desperately just want to get strong again and heal my very damaged and broken heart. My ex BPD is truly a human wrecking ball.

What has helped some of you? When does it start looking up again? Why the heck does it hurt so badly? This is my longest relationship of over 4 years but the last with the non BPD, even though shorter, that breakup didn't hurt nearly this bad.

[CharWood]

It's been such a hard 6 weeks after the break up. I have tried so hard to stick to my resolution of moving forward but she is like a predator and seems to always be able to suck me right back in no matter how strong I think I am. It's so painful. I have to be honest with myself and admit I'm really depressed. It's like a non gets addicted to the BPD... when the BPD/drug is taken away, you go through a hard withdrawal. I have been discarded again... .hasn't said a word to me since Thursday night but I haven't tried speaking to her either. I want to stay strong. I can't keep living my life like this with the hurt and pain... .I desperately just want to get strong again and heal my very damaged and broken heart. My ex BPD is truly a human wrecking ball.

What has helped some of you? When does it start looking up again? Why the heck does it hurt so badly? This is my longest relationship of over 4 years but the last with the non BPD, even though shorter, that breakup didn't hurt nearly this bad.

[Darsha500]

Hey charwood

I am 6 weeks out tomarrow myself. I think the number one thing that has helped me is definitely no contact. if I were still in contact with her, there is no way I would have been able to detach to the extent that I have. Why? Because as you said, I would get sucked back in. I do not want to hear about her life, or who she is fuking. That knowledge would be detrimental to my recovery. Like you say, it's like an addiction. How much harder would it be to recover with your drug of choice always laying around within arms reach? It may behoove you to go NC. As difficult of a decision as it may be, in he long run I believe it is worth it. It is a tool for detachment, a very effective one imo.

As many have said, the grieving process is unpredictable. I have found myself with lifted spirits, thinking "HEY! I think I am finally over her!" Only to feel like sh!t again the next day. Now I tell myself that whenever I get that feeling of, okay I'm finally better - "not so fast dude, just go with the flow"

What else has been effective for me... .

Reading. Reading tons and tons. This board, and books. Books on the recovering from A Brocken heart; books on how childhood issues play into disfunctional relationships; books on self-improvement.

Exercise. And spending times with friends.

Psychotherapy.

Hobbies.

Hope this is helpful. Keep on truckin

[CharWood]

Hi Darsha500

Thanks for the insight. You are much stronger than I am. Good going on the NC. Wish I had stuck to my laurels on that. It lasted 5 days and 1 more until I responded to her text and caved. She is very persistent when she wants to be.

Those are all good suggestions. I have been doing all of those things but I imagine if I detached fully they would be more effective, what has helped you resist the temptation of responding to your BPD?

[Yolanda123]

CharWood   I'm sorry you're going through this - it hurts, and you're right, it's like withdrawing from a drug. The drug being the dream, the hopes, the fantasy, and not the person. Because we have to remember that the person has a serious disorder that makes them unable to have a normal healthy Relationship, and that it won't change unless they go through serious long-term therapy. Coming to accept that reality has helped me detach and see my exBPDbf as a whole, not only remembering the good times and the good parts of him. He is ill, and I am not willing to live a life walking on eggshells, being blamed for things I did not do and being devalued. Not being appreciated for the person I am.

My therapist told me something that really resonated with me. That to the BPD person, we are merely objects that can be used to fill their needs, and that the attempts of my exBPDbf to contact are nothing but manipulation, attempts to still get something out of me, even though we are no longer together. He's in pain, and it's his way of bringing me along in the pain, of not allowing me to forget him and being happy without him. He has strongly suggested that I stop listening to his messages or reading his texts. They have a way of popping up in our lives even after the r/s is over and done that is very unealthy and so not normal. It is hard and painful to think that I am nothing but an accessory to make him feel better, but it's a reality check I need to let go.

I can tell you that things get better. I'm 3 months out and I still have hard times, I still feel sad and hurt and angry at times. But nothing like the first weeks. There's still bumps on the road, as he won't let me simply go on with my life and keeps popping up in less and less nice ways. Although it still hurts, it also helps me realize again and again how unwell he is and how, unless he gets help, his life will continue to be a mess and I don't want to be a part of it. It's our duty to protect ourselves and not letting them suck us back in the chaos. It's hard, but it's necessary for our own well-being. Hang in there, it's a hard road, but I promise, it will get better, keep posting and think about yourself, and time and knowledge are our best friends. Take care 

[Darsha500]

Great insights Yolanda,

Especially your emphasis on the nature of the disorder; how futile it is for us Nons. That is the cold hard truth. A truth that is devastating to accept, but must be accepted nonetheless.

I always have to return to that truth, that there is nothing back there for me. No good can come of being in any sort of relation to her. She dims my light.

My ex only attempted to contact me once to rekindle after our last breakup. After which i sent her a video message in which i explained in a very compassionate manner that I was done. I believe she has painted me black, because in her response she called me a pussy. I think its best that she has painted me black because that will likely keep her from trying to contact me. Though, because I have blocked her on all fronts, and my family has defended her on Facebook, I have also sent a very clear message that want nothing to do with her any longer. I think she has some respect for this wish.

NC eliminates the temptation you are referring to, because it doesn't allow for the temptation stimulus to arise. It is preventative.

[enlighten me]

Hi charwood

Its probably the hardest thing I have ever done getting over a BPD relationship.

There are a number of things that make it easier.

Firstly lay off alcohol. Its a depressant, it causes you to do crazy things and hangovers suck.

Secondly going no contact helps a lot. This includes not stalking their social media accounts.

Thirdly find someone you can talk to about it. You may need a few as I bored my friends to tears about my ex. Apologise to them before hand so at least you've let them know what their in for.

Fourthly distraction. Whether its video games, music, reading, exercise or a project.

Fifthly self improvement. Whether its getting fitter, learning a skill, having a makeover or renovating something it will distract you and make you feel capable and give a sense of pride.

Anger is another useful tool in the beginning and part of any grieving process. You can use anger to motivate yourself whether its in the gym or pushing yourself on a run or finishing a project. Remember though holding onto that anger too long will have a negative effect on you.

Theres no quick fix its just a case of taking one day at a time.

[everprincess]

I know the feeling. He is trying to suck me back in. I left him Monday night. I can't put up with his constant bad behavior, games and mistreatment of us. I hate not being in my home but he won't leave and stay gone (he left the week before and came back at 11pm which afterwards he belittled me for 2 hrs). I went back Thursday morning with a police officer because I know he will get angry and start again. I had to get my son's meds.

And in true classic fashion he tried to speak with me. When I expressed myself he got angry. The police officer told him to back off and leave me alone. Two days of no contact... .today he has tagged me on FB after he unfriended me. Showing me the cleaning he has done at the house... .it is too late for that. Why do it now? Why didn't helping me matter before? Because he wants to suck me back in. I can't do it anymore. Each time he blows it gets worse. Do I love him? Yes... .when he is nice but that isn't all the time. The bad outweights the good. Am I sad? Yes very sad to see 10 years down the drain because he won't admit he has BPD

(he has all the traits and even the mc said he has it). But I've got to get my family healthy and keep us safe.

Remember to be strong I know it is hard. But happiness is more important than holding on to something that is TOXIC.

[2357]

Charwood,

I broke up with my BPD boyfriend in November last year after it turned out he hasn't really split up with his previous girlfriend(by the way I think she is BPD too as I don't think someone would be in a relationship if she is healthy mentally, seeing each other once in a month, two months or even rarer and they call it relationship, living for 1 hour drive from each other).

Anyway my point is I let him back as I didn't know he suffers from BPD. I thought it was a kind of simple cheating(can't decide between two women). He came back in January saying he was about to split with the other. Then he came back they split. We got back together again and in April it turned out they have never split. I walked out then. He came back begging, crying for me and next day he went to see the other woman(it turned out). He begged that he started therapy, just me to come back. (Meanwhile he was begging the other girl to move up to him) Of course it turned out he didn't start anything. I don't think they split up since then. I blocked him and her. I had to because I just went crazy and I knew there is no friendship here... .if he couldn't care about me why do I want him as a friend. He doesn't care about my feelings. I had to block her as well because she kept contacting me and saying very hurtful things(that's the other reason I think she is BPD as well. Being in a relationship for 4-5 years, seeing the other very rarely and still calling it relationship after all these)

My advice is NEVER LOOK BACK, NEVER GET HIM BACK. This is my lesson, He cannot change. Before I blocked him I let him know that I think(I got to the realization that he is BPD) he suffers from BPD. Of course he refused it. He is not going to change. I gave so many chances to him, thinking that he is depressed only that is why he behaved like this... .but no, he is BPD.

The other hurtful part is that his friends knew about what he was doing and rather convincing him to get help they just made everything worse... .Real friends(as they call themselves).

I felt very depressed, basically being like a vegetable for nearly 3 months... .I start to feel a bit better now. I think there is no real solution how to feel better... you have to mourn, cry, let your feelings out, evaluate... .and the time will help... Anyway I hope it will!

[disorderedsociety]

8 months and it has just now faded substantially. First 5 months were agony, in the sense that the pain would come up during work and drain my energy. Now its just the unanswered questions that bug me.

[CharWood]

Thank you all for your responses. You all are much much stronger than me. I am not good about no contact. Saw my BPD today. We spent all day and night together BUT I asked that my BPD sleep on the couch. No intimacy. Nothing but platonic contact. I know I am wrong for this, but it's hard to watch soneone i spent years with and loved so dearly just fall apart. I know I have too and she caused this but the fact that her mom is BPD too and has tried to sabotage things since day 1 has factored into our issues greatly. I want more than anything for my BPD to get therapy. But I can't make her. I want her to get into it because she wants to, not just to get back home to her stable life and pets and home. She seems like she is comfortable with this mess and separation but I can see that she is scared. I think there is a Lucid part of her deep down that doesn't want to lose me and our relationship. We were together for a long time. I think part of her loves me but doesn't know how to sustain it. I think I may be on the staying board soon but who knows. When I get around her and see her laugh and see that smile, I see someone that I know... .I see a woman in tbere who she is so scared of being alone with and letting come out. A woman who she is so busy trying to dampen and  overpower with her chameleon like tendencies. A woman who is tbe real her but she has been too ashamed of and filled with self hate to get to know. That woman isn't like her mom. That Woman deep down is her. I think the glimpses of her that I see are the reason I love her. That woman isn't anything like me, when she has mirrored me I know. But this woman is authentically her. It's just sad she won't get to know and embrace that woman .

How do we know, as non BPDs, to give up. She isn't a bad person, she is just lost. I found a piece of paper in her car where she had written down cell phone plan prices. You see, her mom told her, at 28 years old mind you, that if she continued to see or speak to me, her legal spouse, she would take away her phone and disown her. She has been searching for her own phone plan... .I see that. I don't know if it's hope or not. I did also see a therapist office number written down. I hope to gosh she is trying to get that lined up. I'd be thrilled for her. She could finally dettach healthily from her mom and get help. But idk if it's because she is desperate to come home.

She has 3 weeks... .3 weeks to prove herself. I'm hopeful but nervous. Idk. I only have 1 life to live and I'm concerned. I don't want to waste another year and make it 5 to waste. I just wish this woman who is hidden in this mess can help herself and get strong, get therapy and get in touch with herself. I don't know if I'm kidding myself or not. But I feel like if she is in therapy, I can't throw in the towel just yet.

Thoughts? Anyone with previous experience who had a BPD ex go to therapy and it still failed?

[Darsha500]

Thank you all for your responses. You all are much much stronger than me. I am not good about no contact. Saw my BPD today. We spent all day and night together BUT I asked that my BPD sleep on the couch. No intimacy. Nothing but platonic contact. I know I am wrong for this, but it's hard to watch soneone i spent years with and loved so dearly just fall apart. I know I have too and she caused this but the fact that her mom is BPD too and has tried to sabotage things since day 1 has factored into our issues greatly. I want more than anything for my BPD to get therapy. But I can't make her. I want her to get into it because she wants to, not just to get back home to her stable life and pets and home. She seems like she is comfortable with this mess and separation but I can see that she is scared. I think there is a Lucid part of her deep down that doesn't want to lose me and our relationship. We were together for a long time. I think part of her loves me but doesn't know how to sustain it. I think I may be on the staying board soon but who knows. When I get around her and see her laugh and see that smile, I see someone that I know... .I see a woman in tbere who she is so scared of being alone with and letting come out. A woman who she is so busy trying to dampen and  overpower with her chameleon like tendencies. A woman who is tbe real her but she has been too ashamed of and filled with self hate to get to know. That woman isn't like her mom. That Woman deep down is her. I think the glimpses of her that I see are the reason I love her. That woman isn't anything like me, when she has mirrored me I know. But this woman is authentically her. It's just sad she won't get to know and embrace that woman .

How do we know, as non BPDs, to give up. She isn't a bad person, she is just lost. I found a piece of paper in her car where she had written down cell phone plan prices. You see, her mom told her, at 28 years old mind you, that if she continued to see or speak to me, her legal spouse, she would take away her phone and disown her. She has been searching for her own phone plan... .I see that. I don't know if it's hope or not. I did also see a therapist office number written down. I hope to gosh she is trying to get that lined up. I'd be thrilled for her. She could finally dettach healthily from her mom and get help. But idk if it's because she is desperate to come home.

She has 3 weeks... .3 weeks to prove herself. I'm hopeful but nervous. Idk. I only have 1 life to live and I'm concerned. I don't want to waste another year and make it 5 to waste. I just wish this woman who is hidden in this mess can help herself and get strong, get therapy and get in touch with herself. I don't know if I'm kidding myself or not. But I feel like if she is in therapy, I can't throw in the towel just yet.

Thoughts? Anyone with previous experience who had a BPD ex go to therapy and it still failed?

Just wanted to say I really admire your stance Charwood. I don't think that it is weak at all. I think what your doing and demonstrated in your post is a sign of strength actually. I've just started practicing loving kindness meditation. It involves connecting with your pain and its source. I'm my case, this thwarted desire to be loved and to love in the way that i had hoped for. After connecting with this hurt, you send yourself loving kindness by reciting lines such as, "May I be Happy, May I be fulfilled, May I be understood and fully embraced as I am, My I know the joy of true love." After this, you connect with the pain of your ex and its source - a very dark place. Then you wish her loving kindness by reciting the same lines for her.

As I was doing this, especially for the last two lines: "May she be understood and fully embraced, May she know the joy of true love," I really started to break down. Because I was faced with this realization that I am not the one to do those things for her personally. I thought, "If only I could save her I would." And its so heartbreaking, this not knowing if she will ever find fulfillment. Yes I accept that I am powerless over that, but I do not like it one bit.

I am unwilling to proceed further with my ex. The pain is to great for me to endure, and as such it is not a worthwhile endeavor for me to pursue.

However, part of me almost wishes I was willing. This part of me, though, may be overly idealistic... .Perhaps. What am I trying to say?

Nonetheless, I admire you. I resonate with your words. This idea that your ex, her authentic self, the self that she could be and is on some level, needs to be liberated. And, maybe, just maybe if she gets into therapy then that self can begin to be liberated. Wouldn't that be marvelous? Maybe I am Naive, but I think I'd be a miracle of sorts, a dream come true.

I think setting a time frame as you have is a good idea. 3 weeks, you mentioned. Have you read stop care taking the borderline?

I wish you luck.

[Darsha500]

How do we know, as non BPDs, to give up.

Just wanted to mention one more thing. That was the title of my very first thread on the undecided board: How do you know when the time has come to let it go?

Its a very personal question, huh? One could come to the conclusion after much deliberation. And deliberation is called for I think. Stepping back from the situation and educating yourself as thoroughly as possible. So many factors weigh in.

But then there is also that aspect of "When is enough going to be enough?"

Theres this Nine Inch Nails lyric that I love: The depths I reach are limitless. It reminds me of addiction. When does the addict hit rock bottom? After getting a DUI? After getting 2 DUIs? After going to jail? After damaging his body beyond repair? The point being that, I believe we have some choice over where our rock bottom lies. If we choose, we can reach limitless depths; We can put up with unfathomable abuse and discontentment.

Then there is also another piece I'd like to elaborate on. Perhaps we will know when we have hit bottom because the impact will be undeniable. For me, I believe I had this experience. It was a sort of "the camels back has just broken," moment. Thats not to say that there was absolutely no deliberation involved. In fact, I actually looked to the section on staying vs. Leaving in the stop care taking the borderline book before making my final decision. However, the moment in which those last heinous words were uttered to me, I knew on a deep level, I could not go on.    

[Loosestrife]

Thank you all for your responses. You all are much much stronger than me. I am not good about no contact. Saw my BPD today. We spent all day and night together BUT I asked that my BPD sleep on the couch. No intimacy. Nothing but platonic contact. I know I am wrong for this, but it's hard to watch soneone i spent years with and loved so dearly just fall apart. I know I have too and she caused this but the fact that her mom is BPD too and has tried to sabotage things since day 1 has factored into our issues greatly. I want more than anything for my BPD to get therapy. But I can't make her. I want her to get into it because she wants to, not just to get back home to her stable life and pets and home. She seems like she is comfortable with this mess and separation but I can see that she is scared. I think there is a Lucid part of her deep down that doesn't want to lose me and our relationship. We were together for a long time. I think part of her loves me but doesn't know how to sustain it. I think I may be on the staying board soon but who knows. When I get around her and see her laugh and see that smile, I see someone that I know... .I see a woman in tbere who she is so scared of being alone with and letting come out. A woman who she is so busy trying to dampen and  overpower with her chameleon like tendencies. A woman who is tbe real her but she has been too ashamed of and filled with self hate to get to know. That woman isn't like her mom. That Woman deep down is her. I think the glimpses of her that I see are the reason I love her. That woman isn't anything like me, when she has mirrored me I know. But this woman is authentically her. It's just sad she won't get to know and embrace that woman .

How do we know, as non BPDs, to give up. She isn't a bad person, she is just lost. I found a piece of paper in her car where she had written down cell phone plan prices. You see, her mom told her, at 28 years old mind you, that if she continued to see or speak to me, her legal spouse, she would take away her phone and disown her. She has been searching for her own phone plan... .I see that. I don't know if it's hope or not. I did also see a therapist office number written down. I hope to gosh she is trying to get that lined up. I'd be thrilled for her. She could finally dettach healthily from her mom and get help. But idk if it's because she is desperate to come home.

She has 3 weeks... .3 weeks to prove herself. I'm hopeful but nervous. Idk. I only have 1 life to live and I'm concerned. I don't want to waste another year and make it 5 to waste. I just wish this woman who is hidden in this mess can help herself and get strong, get therapy and get in touch with herself. I don't know if I'm kidding myself or not. But I feel like if she is in therapy, I can't throw in the towel just yet.

Thoughts? Anyone with previous experience who had a BPD ex go to therapy and it still failed?

I could have written the above at several points in my r/s. As much as BPDs want to change, it's most like they can't. Therapy takes years - 3,5,10, perhaps even for the remainder of her life and very few BPDs can be 100% open and stick to it. I've given it '3 weeks' before and nothing changes, I was basically setting my ex up to fail, and looking back now this only added to her pain which I regret.

[helpmewithbpd]

I completely know where your coming from,  I'm in the same boat only my ex BPD wanted n/c and I struggled with it till she ___ed on of my mates which is her best friends bf and her bothered best mate,  sense then I any nothing to do with her but the pain still kills me every moment of the day 3 month out,  BUT I do have something to say that may help and it's really hard to do but use your rational mind talk to your self out loud and ask your self the questions that are going on in your mind,  as hard as it is,  it does help a little bit,  good luck