any use telling her how this relationship 'evolved'?

[iwantnormal]

why it happened (let her know that i was needy, and a rescuer), her actions and behavior. i'm a stronger person today. i don't want to put up with her flirting with others. etc... . 

or will this not be a good idea?

[LonelyChild]

why it happened (let her know that i was needy, and a rescuer), her actions and behavior. i'm a stronger person today. i don't want to put up with her flirting with others. etc... . 

or will this not be a good idea?

I don't know exactly what you mean, but you can only change yourself and decide to remove certain things from your life. You cannot make her behave as you like. You will NOT be able to "make her see the light." Accepting and listening will only have her continue doing it. Aggression and threats will only make her hide it.

[Yolanda123]

In my opinion, and based on all the readings, nothing you will tell her will make her change her behaviours. The disorder is so ingrained, and denial and lying are a major part of their coping mechanisms. They don't think rationnally, and trying to have a rational, facts-based conversation with them can be very exhausting. We do not speak the same langage. I think your best option is to focus on what you want in your life. If you are willing to continue in a r/s with her, you will have to accept that the disorder and the behaviours are there to stay, and to use the Tools on the Staying board. Reading the posts there is a major reality check, I suggest you go and take a look. I go when I have doubts or feel guilty about leaving the r/s. It's a major commitment and involves a lot of work, and a lot of pain. Only you can decide if you are willing to continue investing yourself in this type of r/s... .Wishing you the best in your journey 

[Mr Hollande]

Everything Yolanda says is correct. Especially the Staying board as a reality check. I just had a quick peak over there and the headlines alone were enough to make me lightheaded.

If you lay everything out to your ex like you are considering then brace yourself the mother of all rages.

[michel71]

I feel your pain. It is so hard to want SO BADLY to get them to see the light. Read over some of the lessons. Sometimes we feel that if we just could say it a different way, they might get it. Most here have spent months and years trying to do this, only making ourselves CRAZY. Strike that... .CRAZIER. As much as I have researched the disorder, as much as I have learned the lessons, as much as I am as close to RADICAL ACCEPTANCE, I still lapse back into conversations with her where I think I might be able to get through. Then I have to stop myself.

Emoting to them is useless. They are not listening to your feelings. They are hearing something else which is most likely blame. They are "on the defensive" before you even open your mouth. It is a complete NO WIN for us nons. Take back your power. Don't do it. Its futile and exhausting trying to have a rational, loving conversation with them. You are always setting yourself up for failure when you do this.

The emphasis must shift to you and your needs right now. How many collective hours, months and years have we all on this Board spent trying to figure out and understand BPD? ENDLESS. Read some things on co-dependency and on abuse. Focus on you. Love yourself.

Best of luck to you. We are all here to support you.

[Michelle27]

Oh Lord, I spent many years trying to use logic to get my stbxh to "see the light".  What a waste of my breath as he never did understand.  I wouldn't bother with telling her anything.