Is it Ok to feel anger 6 months post break-up?

[Lavanda]

Guys, is it Ok that I still feel anger and want revenge after 6 month later of the split? When I think of the fact he is a therapist and teaches people how to be healthy I feel anger and pain. And I want to write a letter to his fellow therapist and let him know... .any advice on how to deal with this?

[Itsbeentoolong]

This is my first post and suppose more of a venting of my anger and frustration. When I read about how other people have experienced their relationship with a BPD I feel relief to know that what I write here will be understood.  Long story short... .I've been in a relationship with my BPD husband for 37 years. We will have been married for 27 of those years.  I should've known, but I was only 20 when I met him... Tall, dark, handsome, and mysterious.  A man of few words at that time.  Madly in love I was with him, but a I could never really know what was going on inside of him. As we were both in our formative young adult years some drama in relationships was expected and lead to the excitement and rush of attraction. After six months of passionate moments and star struck love (so I thought), I caught him on a date with another gal. My theme here... .I should have known. Within a month after he was in Hawaii with her, grew tired of their alliance, and moved onto two other women in Hawaii during the remainder of his month long visit there.  I should have known.  And so it goes... .the roller coaster of life with a BPD love.  I've experienced all the craziness, verbal abuse, narcissism, crazy BP behavior, entitlement, need for attention, denegration, cheating,  lies, excessive shopping, and intense hyper vigilance needed to gage the atmosphere to protect myself and my kids.  Damn right, I'm angry!  And I cycle through this stage frequently.  We still live together albeit in separate rooms and thankfully working with a mediator. I am looking at properties 600 miles away from him and I can't wait to be free... .finally free of him. I want to recover and live a peaceful life. I can taste it... .I can visualize it... .I will live it!

[Mr Hollande]

Guys, is it Ok that I still feel anger and want revenge after 6 month later of the split? When I think of the fact he is a therapist and teaches people how to be healthy I feel anger and pain. And I want to write a letter to his fellow therapist and let him know... .any advice on how to deal with this?

When my ex dumped me for a drug dealer I contemplated tipping off the police about his marijuana plantation. Less because I wanted to get to him but very much to complicate her life. It was early days and my anger was strong enough that I could have strangled her and buried her in shallow grave in the woods had I known I'd get away with it. I soon decided not to do it because the outcome of snitching would have been unpredictable and rather than risk the wrong kind of attention and perpetuate something I may not be able to finish I opted for peace and quiet. Knowing her I was sure she'd make a mess of her life soon enough anyway. So I kept a low profile and allowed BPD to run its course.

I don't wish her well and should she be in trouble I still won't lift a finger to help. Not even if she begged me. She has contacted me a few times and although not admitting any problems I don't sense any harmony either.

My advice to you, let your ex make a mess of his life himself. With BPD in his baggage there's a very good chance that that is exactly what will happen. No need to get your hands dirty.

[Turkish]

Lavanda,

Questioning our feels is a form of invalidation... .of ourselves. You'll feel angry as long as you feel angry. I'm still angry two years out, though not as much (it didn't help that I had to have lunch with her, the kids, and other family today).

The goal here is detachment. You probably want revenge because you were wronged.  That he's a T would anger me, too.

That's natural. Feel it. By doing it, you may be holding onto that attachment, prolonging the pain rather than feeling it and working through it.

[blissful_camper]

Yes, it's normal. I was still pretty angry at six months out. Eventually the anger lessened and I began having days that were anger-free.  What got me through it was leaning into it and at the same time burning off steam doing physical activity. (Even if that was something as simple as shoveling dirt in my garden... .for an hour or more depending on how angry I felt   ) I found ways to channel the anger in ways that benefitted me.

Two years out the anger is thankfully gone.  (NC, we currently live in different states)

[Lavanda]

Thank you everyone for your compassion. It makes me a bit sad to think that for some of you it took years to get rid of this sh**t completely. I think- My Gosh, even two more years is a long time. My question is - did you try relationship with other people, Turkish, during this period of time.

Because I am tempted to start a new relationship... .while still feel anger. Thank you for your advice about physical activity, blissful_camper

As for your advice, Mr Hollande

My advice to you, let your ex make a mess of his life himself. With BPD in his baggage there's a very good chance that that is exactly what will happen. No need to get your hands dirty. [/quote]
It sounds really wise... .yes I have no doubts that this therapist f*ck up any new relationship he will have. But as for his career I am not sure. He has a very popular private practice. People are attracted to the fact he is a handsome man who is very fit and can be a kind of role model for to troubled teens (he is one of them inside, actually)... .

Being a mental health professional he knew everything about his condition... .and didn't educate me about it. I described my story in my initial posts. So much shame I feel... .

[ScorpioLaw]

 No don't listen to anyone if they say it's okay. It's never okay to feel anger six months later. Take that from me.

I won't cuddle you like other people do. I will straight up tell you that if you're still feeling anger six months later then there is something wrong WITH YOU. I will give you support on telling you that it's never okay to feel any anger at all. Anger is a reaction and should never be a state of mind. Six months later and you're still feeling angry says some characteristics about you. Probably for one, that you have anger issues. Ha

Just like I have anger issues and can feel anger like you do. What's important is how we control our anger and to always remember what it does. Sometimes it can motivate. Sometimes it destroys. But it always comes out.

I personally have two scars on my face from when anger got the best of me. I protected some stranger girl from getting beat in a parking lot and in the process almost killed the guy. Some people would applaud me for beating the guy: because he was beating his girl into a bloody pulp.

I admit when I saw that hand come down I went black.(or red?)

However they are wrong for appluading me. What seperates a good guy like me and a bad guy like him is control. And I lost control... .And that's a very fine line to be walking, and one day it will eventually get the best of you. Just like it almost got the best of me.

I don't even think I helped that girl. I probably made it worse for her. Maybe I did the right thing. Who knows? I sure don't.

The reason why I say it's not okay is because you either hold onto that tight. Or you're feeding it, and you have to ask yourself how is it going to be let out? Because it ALWAYS comes out. Wether it's on you or someone else is up to you to decide.

PS: I still feel anger sometimes five months later but when I actually look at it from a third person PoV I realize I'm feeding it.

Just like people on this site will help YOU feed it by saying its natural.

[rotiroti]

ScorpioLaw,

You do bring up an excellent point, that ultimately any emotion we feel is a result of our own inner response to an external source (be it a person, thing, whatever). BUT I want to say that the application of this insight can be rather difficult and that everyone is on their own time table. I think 6 months for one could be short while for others could seem like an eternity... .wouldn't you agree?

[ScorpioLaw]

 I do understand that, but I don't agree. This is an advice board and a support board. Some give support. Some give advice.

Leading people on and supporting them in their own faults is a flawed way of helping or giving advice. 

It can possibly even extend any "time table" for someone.

Telling -anyone- "it's alright!" to feel something negative basically gives the go ahead for them to justify it. It will extend that anger, because they'll probably be feeding that emotion over and over. Some people like myself can feed anger indefinitely, and so there is no end to it until we(our own selves) put the breaks on it.

The sooner people realize, "Hey... .Wait a minute! It's not them... .It's me."

The sooner they can actually start taking steps to help themselves.

I'm sorry, I can relate because I still get angry but I'm the one feeding it. My thoughts, emotions, and actions are all biased towards my ex.

Thinking and feeling are two different things.

[rotiroti]

Well you are certainly not wrong on those points! It makes complete sense as the ones who have moved along the healing path are the ones that have found inner closure.

Random question - is your name from Hank Scorpio?

[HappyNihilist]

I won't cuddle you like other people do. I will straight up tell you that if you're still feeling anger six months later then there is something wrong WITH YOU. I will give you support on telling you that it's never okay to feel any anger at all.

I still feel anger sometimes five months later

Do you feel guilty about those feelings of anger? Do you feel like it's never OK for you to feel angry?

You're right, ScorpioLaw, we can control how we react to our feelings. But we can't control our feelings - they are what they are. Feeling like there's something wrong with things about us that we can't control, easily leads to disappointment and feelings of guilt and shame.

It sounds like you're emotionally triggered when you see a woman in trouble or distress. Your response is to protect and rescue. You speak of your ex in similar terms, as a vulnerable girl who needed to be protected.

Where do you think this pattern might come from?

[Lavanda]

I feel anger ,yes, not constantly but sometimes when the realisation comes to my mind that this man knew exactly what his diagnisis  was about and still didn't disclose anything to me. This feeling is not intense, it is rather a vexation. I take no actions in connection with my feelings, so I don't have anger issues

I want to forgive and forget, definitely. I am looking for info about how to do it in the net. Any advise? Looking at myself is the only reason why asked my question.

[blissful_camper]

Hi Lavanda,

I think it takes time for those feelings to fall away.  Anger can be a useful emotion when channeled, for instance, to promote change. (Maya Angelou writes about the usefulness of anger.)

How can you channel that emotion so that you promote change in ways that benefit you, or empower you? 

I struggled with forgiving my ex. I think what finally got me there was working toward forgiving myself first.  ( I was angry at myself for entering the r/s )

I forgave my ex when I fully accepted that he does what he does because he cannot help himself. 

What do you feel you need in order to forgive him?  How can you foster that forgiveness?

[balletomane]

I'm five months out and I'm only just starting to feel angry. At first it was just despair and only despair. I feel as though anger at his behaviour might liberate me if only I could really feel it, which right now I can't. The emotional trajectory is different for everyone.

[Lavanda]

 ( I was angry at myself for entering the r/s )

That is the point! I can't forgive myself and am angry at myself for entering the r/s with this person, for introducing him to my children... .may be I feel anger towards myself first and towards my ex second... .thank you for the clue!

Yes, I also started to feel anger not immediately but later on... .first it was nothing but pain... .in a way anger helps you to stop wanting him back... .but again it is important not to be smitted by this anger... .and go to the next phase

[Anise]

My therapist mentioned recently (a couple months ago) that my anger was serving as a defense to cover for sadness and perhaps some fear.  He also said that it was most likely the best defense I had.  My anger was building up over the great frustration and disappointment my marriage had become for almost two years - all to propel me to take action and be assertive re: the situation.  After I realized the path forward I needed to take, my anger completely dissipated.  I didn't turn into a complete puddle of sadness or misery, but rather realized just how sad and unhappy I had become, and how sad I was that I will need to bury all my hopes and dreams with this person (at least who he is today), and basically rewrite the plan for my life.  I hope this relationship did not cost me having children later, because that would truly be tragic.  I do have some time left, so we will see.

[blissful_camper]

( I was angry at myself for entering the r/s )

That is the point! I can't forgive myself and am angry at myself for entering the r/s with this person, for introducing him to my children... .may be I feel anger towards myself first and towards my ex second... .thank you for the clue!

Yes, I also started to feel anger not immediately but later on... .first it was nothing but pain... .in a way anger helps you to stop wanting him back... .but again it is important not to be smitted by this anger... .and go to the next phase

I understand that it can be difficult to forgive oneself... .particularly when we may feel that we made a poor choice entering the r/s.  But what if we reframe that thinking so that we benefit from the experience? 

I felt angry at myself because I ignored or excused the red flag behavior that I saw early on.

I felt angry at myself because my boundaries were soft.

Those are a couple of examples of the conversation I had with myself when I felt anger.  That inner dialog helped me identify what I needed to work on within myself.  (The list was long. I had issues)

Yep, I made a poor choice entering the r/s with exBPD.  What if that wasn't a mistake?  What if I entered the r/s because I was attracted to exactly what I needed to learn (about myself) so that I would finally work on my own issues? 

When I reframed my feeling disappointed with myself, my anger lessened.  The next step for me was, what did I need to do to forgive myself?  (Work on me)

[Lavanda]

Yep, I made a poor choice entering the r/s with exBPD.  What if that wasn't a mistake?  What if I entered the r/s because I was attracted to exactly what I needed to learn (about myself) so that I would finally work on my own issues? 

I am surprised that you just replicated my own thoughts... .I know today for sure that had it not been meeting my BPDex I wouldn't have realised how much I needed to change myself. It is true that only after the hurricane of our break up I started to look very close to myself. It helped me to see pretty clear that I have traces which shouldn't be there... .in a way it was an insight. I know for sure that I don't want to be a self-absorbed, self-pitful individual... .it helps me now.

Yes, sometimes I still relapse to ager, but it is just a relapse, not the constant state of my mind


[/quote]