How did I miss this?

[Chasingmiracles]

My husband and I dated for 15 months before we married, and although I noticed depression issues and assisted him to get help for that, he was much more emotionally stable on his own... .he met his own needs and took care of himself, he was independent and in his own space. When we married 8 months ago, the tables quickly turned and I found myself in a house of mirrors. I am a nurse and naturally curious about psychology, so I started researching the issues I was seeing and while I was relieved to find something which seemed to corral the communication problems, anger and outbursts, I was panicked at the same time. He seems to be making progress, recognizing things on his own and wanting to work toward better emotional health which is a practical miracle to my mind. It's discouraging to him at the same time, because as he sees the issues for himself, he is also faced with the knowledge that his feelings are often causing him unnecessary distress and damaging relationships he holds dear... .he feels hopeless.

Two questions I have are:

If you have had success helping a person with BPD to develop coping skills or gain control of their rages what has been most helpful?

Second, I have children who also love my BPD spouse, and I'm hoping to shield them from as much as possible involving his emotional dysregulation. If you have children, what has helped?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

If you have had success helping a person with BPD to develop coping skills or gain control of their rages what has been most helpful?

You can only refine your part, and affect the environment. For him to develop coping skills takes professional help from those well versed in BPD. Well meaning but misguided attempts by those not specialist in this results in more disappointments and feeling of hopelessness.

Second, I have children who also love my BPD spouse, and I'm hoping to shield them from as much as possible involving his emotional dysregulation. If you have children, what has helped?

Having very strong boundaries which are just as clear to your children as well as to him. They need to see you being consistent.


Work your way through the  LESSONS to see what you can and cannot achieve. Sometimes we think we can do more than is possible. We can only provide an environment to give them best chance to  move towards their own recovery, we can't make it happen for them.

Recovery is not really the correct word, more a reinvention, as they have always been this way and what you are hoping for is alien to their way of thinking.

Being BPD free is not a win /lose benchmark, many can have a happy, even if slightly dysfunctional, life with BPD still present. A lot can be achieved, a little step at a time.

[OffRoad]

Two questions I have are:

If you have had success helping a person with BPD to develop coping skills or gain control of their rages what has been most helpful?

This was something that was recently helpful for my uBPDh. He was angry at me for things he THOUGHT I was thinking. I was thinking nothing of the sort, BTW. I told him "Feelings are not facts." He responded "Yes, they are." So I explained this to him:

"The temperature is 72 degrees. That is a fact.

You are cold. That is your feeling. It is a fact for YOU. It means YOU are cold, not that the temperature is cold.

I am hot. That is my feeling. It is a fact for ME. It means I am hot, not that the temperature is hot.

The temperature is 72. You are cold, I am hot. Who is wrong?"

H rightly identified that neither was wrong.

I continued with:

"When you assume I am thinking something, your thoughts are only a fact for YOU. It is not necessarily MY fact. The only way you can know my fact, is if you ASK me what I am thinking."

My H has now started asking me "Are you angry?" or frustrated or whatever. Since that answer is usually no and I respond with asking him how he is feeling (which is often all that he really wants), life has gotten calmer.

Your mileage may vary depending on your pwBPD.

[an0ught]

Hi Chasingmiracles,

waverider has an important point that can not be stressed enough - you can't be the therapist of your partner. That is really counter-productive leading to a more enmeshed and less balanced relationship. Not a relationship of two strong individuals caring for each other.

Encourage him to seek outside help, preferably a T with DBT or some practical borderline and CBT (or Schema) experience. No analytical therapy.

You can work to a degree together on communication skills. "The high conflict couple" is a book that supports this aspect. But avoiding invalidation is only one part of the equation. There are others equally important like boundaries, self care, handling broken self image etc... He needs to fix that himself and to a degree without your help.

Your caring profession may set you up naturally for taking a co-dependent role. Be clear about your limits... .

,

a0

[waverider]

Two questions I have are:

If you have had success helping a person with BPD to develop coping skills or gain control of their rages what has been most helpful?

This was something that was recently helpful for my uBPDh. He was angry at me for things he THOUGHT I was thinking. I was thinking nothing of the sort, BTW. I told him "Feelings are not facts." He responded "Yes, they are." So I explained this to him:

"The temperature is 72 degrees. That is a fact.

You are cold. That is your feeling. It is a fact for YOU. It means YOU are cold, not that the temperature is cold.

I am hot. That is my feeling. It is a fact for ME. It means I am hot, not that the temperature is hot.

The temperature is 72. You are cold, I am hot. Who is wrong?"

H rightly identified that neither was wrong.

I continued with:

"When you assume I am thinking something, your thoughts are only a fact for YOU. It is not necessarily MY fact. The only way you can know my fact, is if you ASK me what I am thinking."

My H has now started asking me "Are you angry?" or frustrated or whatever. Since that answer is usually no and I respond with asking him how he is feeling (which is often all that he really wants), life has gotten calmer.

Your mileage may vary depending on your pwBPD.

This is a good way of illustrating that everyone has a different reality.

This is an important point when using the SET tool as the T needs to be an explanation of our reality without trying to impose it on them. It is so easy to mess up the whole SET process by then lecturing them how our reality is the correct and only reality.

[Chasingmiracles]

That is exactly where I am with him right now, Thanks so much, OffRoad! We had a similar conversation yesterday, in fact.  

It feels like being in a house of mirrors sometimes. What he hears is often so different from what I say. It makes what would normally be basic communication excruciatingly difficult.

Waverider and an0ught, we are working on finding him the right therapist, which isn't simple due to other complicating issues. In the meantime, I need real life real time help getting through the days, and sometimes hours, with him. Understanding him and how he sees the world makes an enormous difference. Recognizing what boundaries are effective with him, also very helpful. I'm looking forward to having another voice in his world to help him... .but right now I'm all he's got. At 39, no one else has cared enough or taken the time to try to figure out what's happening with him. It's been good to know that the way he feels, and responds to life, is well understood... .such a relief.