Support needed feel like i am loosing the plot :(

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi I was in a on and off relationship over ten years with a undiagnosed male BPD/npd. unfortunately I am of the nature of being a rescuer say a miss fixit in my relationships, I myself struggle with depression dependant with whats going on in my life, I was diagnosed with this before I met my ex BPD. I have been to hell and back with my ex, cheating, raging, threats, gas lighting, projection, shaming, blaming everything was my fault, bending more than backwards, yes I would change my number after he would abuse me but I always came back and gave him another chance over and over. this year I moved further away from him while we were broken up I iniated contact and we got back together, my living situation was the best but it was the best I was able to provide for my son and myself. We were living in cabins and I was finding it hard to get a rental property, I was also handling my sons mental health issues, depression and anxiety and had the dept of education on my back as my son wasn't attending school at the time, with all these stressors my depression lapsed badly and I shutdown from the world, I was just going to work doing what I had to for my son and going to bed, I didn't tell my uBPD I was struggling and I always came up with some excuse to not see him, he was getting frustrated with me, I understand a bit about BPD, now in hindsite he would've felt I was abandoning him but I wasn't at all I was just unwell, on the evening of the 1st august I received a text message from him

" james bay let it go"

listen to it... .

drink

rope

thoughts

cause my head was so foggy I didn't get the message I replied "there is no reference to drink, rope, thoughts in the song" he started to agitated by text message, the last one was,

"the longer you don't see me or give me my belongings back, the more hate I get and something bad will happen and I will never want to be with you ever again" as soon as I read that he rang me and I could tell he was triggered by his voice, he projected all this crap onto me, accusing me that I had cheated, that he has had me followed in the past, that he was going to make the rest of my life miserable I will be looking over my shoulder the rest of my life, that he had mates that owed him favours, and that he was going to slash me and my sons throat, it would be worth sitting in a prison cell knowing I was dead" he ended by saying don't you get it, it f****g over I f****g hate you I hate you and hung up on me... .I sat there in shock for quite some time, I went to the police a nervous wreck still in shock. he was arrested and charged with using a carrier service to intimidate, threaten and harass and a police a.v.o was put in place. At court two weeks later he told the police commissioner that he was a good person, he had a job, he had never abused me ever in the whole ten years and he couldn't remember threatening me, the magistrate fined him and put the police a.v.o in place for 12 months. The part that aggravates me the most is here I am a shell of what I was, contending with depression, getting flashbacks of when he has raged at me and there he is on dating websites looking for woman, happy as larry, probably has slept with a couple of people to make himself feel better without a care in the world and I am an absolute mess... .how do I get over this ?  

[butterfly111]

Hi I was in a on and off relationship over ten years with a undiagnosed male BPD/npd. unfortunately I am of the nature of being a rescuer say a miss fixit in my relationships, I myself struggle with depression dependant with whats going on in my life, I was diagnosed with this before I met my ex BPD. I have been to hell and back with my ex, cheating, raging, threats, gas lighting, projection, shaming, blaming everything was my fault, bending more than backwards, yes I would change my number after he would abuse me but I always came back and gave him another chance over and over. this year I moved further away from him while we were broken up I iniated contact and we got back together, my living situation was the best but it was the best I was able to provide for my son and myself. We were living in cabins and I was finding it hard to get a rental property, I was also handling my sons mental health issues, depression and anxiety and had the dept of education on my back as my son wasn't attending school at the time, with all these stressors my depression lapsed badly and I shutdown from the world, I was just going to work doing what I had to for my son and going to bed, I didn't tell my uBPD I was struggling and I always came up with some excuse to not see him, he was getting frustrated with me, I understand a bit about BPD, now in hindsite he would've felt I was abandoning him but I wasn't at all I was just unwell, on the evening of the 1st august I received a text message from him

" james bay let it go"

listen to it... .

drink

rope

thoughts

cause my head was so foggy I didn't get the message I replied "there is no reference to drink, rope, thoughts in the song" he started to agitated by text message, the last one was,

"the longer you don't see me or give me my belongings back, the more hate I get and something bad will happen and I will never want to be with you ever again" as soon as I read that he rang me and I could tell he was triggered by his voice, he projected all this crap onto me, accusing me that I had cheated, that he has had me followed in the past, that he was going to make the rest of my life miserable I will be looking over my shoulder the rest of my life, that he had mates that owed him favours, and that he was going to slash me and my sons throat, it would be worth sitting in a prison cell knowing I was dead" he ended by saying don't you get it, it f****g over I f****g hate you I hate you and hung up on me... .I sat there in shock for quite some time, I went to the police a nervous wreck still in shock. he was arrested and charged with using a carrier service to intimidate, threaten and harass and a police a.v.o was put in place. At court two weeks later he told the police commissioner that he was a good person, he had a job, he had never abused me ever in the whole ten years and he couldn't remember threatening me, the magistrate fined him and put the police a.v.o in place for 12 months. The part that aggravates me the most is here I am a shell of what I was, contending with depression, getting flashbacks of when he has raged at me and there he is on dating websites looking for woman, happy as larry, probably has slept with a couple of people to make himself feel better without a care in the world and I am an absolute mess... .how do I get over this ?  

[enlighten me]

Hi Butterfly

Im so sorry fall all you have had to endure. You have a lot to contend with.

Im not sure that I am best suited to offer advice on this but I didn't want to leave you unanswered.

There are a number of issues here. Your exs abusive behaviour and the fear that he is causing.

Your own personal health.

And your sons needs.

When faced with dealing with a lot of things I find breaking it down into manageable chunks helps.

You have an AVO against your ex so you have some safety in place. You need to prevent him from contacting you so he cannot upset you further. Block his numbers or even better get yourself a new one. If your on social media come off of it or create a new account that your friends only have access to. Maybe speaking to a support group will help. They may be able to alleviate some fears and give you some advice.

Dealing with a child can be very stressful especially if they have needs. By getting your son into the right program you will reduce some of the stress on you.

It is very easy for us to beat ourselves up. We can miss all the positives about ourselves.

I hope someone will be able to jump in on this and offer more advice.

EM

[butterfly111]

thanks for the reply, I appreciate it.

I have changed my number I changed it that night, he would be breaching the conditions on the a.v.o anyway if he called me and arrested and jailed. I am not on Facebook or anything, he didn't like me on it. by son is good now he was seeing mental health here and is happily back at school. I don't think I have to worry bout hearing from my ex he hates me now, I am the worse in the world, his heart is cold when it comes to me. its just so hurtful how he is moving on so quickly like I am nothing 

[enlighten me]

Hi butterfly

this is very common. Just because they hate us doesnt mean we are bad people and it is very easy to believe their point of view.

What we have to remember is we all have different needs. Just because you cant meet their needs isnt a reflection on you.

In my opinion their hate isnt as much to do with what weve done but to do with their shame, regret and anxiety.

It has been said that pwBPD have the emotional maturity of a child.

This has helped me to detatch from their behaviour.

Imagine a child that is about to have a birthday party. They do something wrong and the parents cancel the party. The child rages, they hate their parents. They to the child are the most horrible people in the world. We were in some respexts the parents and the party was the happy ever after dream. It takes a while for a child to see their part in it but eventually they do. They feel guilt and shame and eventually forgive their parents. Sometimes they appologise sometimes they pretend it never happened.

This seems to be the dance with BPD.

[butterfly111]

thank you

im just trying to work all of this out in my head I have so many questions but I am not going to get any answers, no closure at all. I snapped the other day I sent him a msg by a pay phone he was quick to contact the police they came over and told me leave him alone. I was just so angry he has no remorse, no idea how I am struggling while he happily getting on with his life with another more than likely telling them that I am the one with problems  :'( :'( :'( :'(

[enlighten me]

I too struggled with the injustice. Had thoughts of revenge and felt angry at the world.

It is difficult when you see them ruin your life and move on without a care in the world. My biggest solace in this has been that they are unable to end the cycle. They will never be truly happy. They will go through life and their pile of regrets will only get bigger.

After a while though I began to pity them. They can never find lasting happiness. They will never truly understand love. This to me is very sad. Its as if they have been born to suffer even though most of it is of their own making.

Your anger is perfectly natural. Its a part of the grieving process. Its best to direct that anger constructively. I used mine as an "I'll show you". I used it to drive me to do constructive things. I used it to motivate me.