"Mean" People

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Every day I must deal with some form of my husband's passive-aggressive assaults that I are just plain mean.  It's all about control for him and there will never be any unconditional kindness or love in his repertoire.  He can't do anything kind or loving for anyone or any living creature unless there is some third party observer that provides egoistic reward.

I've had to live with this man for far too long due to economic and financial circumstances and I've beaten myself up many times for not being able to find a way out or for not leaving when I still had a chance.  I don't want to live this way.  I don't want to live with anyone who doesn't want to be happy and create harmony in life.  I don't want to live with an angry controlling person who is so small inside that they must resort to excessive ugliness in order to feel alive and in control.  I think it's truly disgusting and I'll never understand why anyone would find any reward in being ugly and mean and cruel and selfish.  

So, this morning I woke up and had to deal with one his typical PA behaviors that was used against some wildlife in the gardens and I let it go.  I ignored it but internally, I was boiling.  I stopped, took notice of my feelings and asked myself what was really at the root of my disgust and frustration.  It's always more difficult for me to observe someone else harming someone or something else.  I feel like I should step up and protect the victims of bullies.  I've always been that way.  So, having to surrender under such circumstances is very difficult for me.  I also feel like I'm living a sinful life. I'm not really talking about a religious sinning per se but more of a sinful life that betrays my own values and the natural order of the universe that seeks peace, harmony, love, compassion and kindness.  " I shouldn't be living this way!", I thought to myself.  " I don't want to be in that kind of person's life".  I felt myself becoming extremely frustrated and very sad and hopeless about my circumstances.  I decided to stop and take a break from what I was doing and just sit quietly and meditate on happier and supportive thoughts.  I told myself that it was ok to be upset, that I'm doing the best I can right now and it wont' last forever and that it's perfectly normal to feel angry under the circumstances but that it's a waste of my precious life and health to respond to such negativity.  I realized that if I respond, that I'm being the devil's advocate and perpetuating more and anger and self shame.  

During my meditative contemplation, while I was preparing and old recipe of my grandmother's, I imagined asking her a question about the recipe and receiving a very vague, ambiguous response.   Suddenly, a thought ( and feeling) struck me like a ball peen hammer on my head that she too is like my husband. It really made me feel sick. I felt as though I had asked a stupid question that was beneath her, I felt ashamed. I tried putting myself in her shoes and imagine what she was feeling or thinking but I couldn't get to that place because if I were a grandmother, I would feel so happy and honored that my grand daughter would trust me enough to ask me anything.   It's never been that way in my family.  You see, everyone in my family except me ( I truly mean that) has some sort of control issue with providing helpful information or guidance of any type.  Very simply, it's like they don't want to help anyone with anything that will truly enable them achieve success or be happy.  They don't want anyone to have their knowledge or their skill, wisdom or anything else.   My husband has never done anything kind or nice for me unless others were watching or visiting our home.  My gosh, everyone in my family is this way except for my maternal grandfather and my father.  They are the only two relatives in my life that actually devoted their time with me to teaching me all sorts of things that would help me grow and be self reliant.  However, I didn't have much time with them.  

My family is full of selfish insecure people who find it more satisfying to be in competition with their ' loved ones' and hoard all the power and control.  How can anyone be happy that way?   I can't stand feeling bad so, I don't want to do anything that creates negativity, I want to be an inspiration to others and live a happy life with people who want to create a link in the ' love-chain'.  Truman Capote  wrote about the chain of love... ." Love is a chain of love, as nature is a chain of life".  Why does love not make them feel happy and want to keep that feeling going?  Were they not born with G-d's  love in their heart? Is it not natural for humans to want to love and be loved?  Why do they feel such satisfaction in breaking the chain?  

[Leaving]

Every day I must deal with some form of my husband's passive-aggressive assaults that I are just plain mean.  It's all about control for him and there will never be any unconditional kindness or love in his repertoire.  He can't do anything kind or loving for anyone or any living creature unless there is some third party observer that provides egoistic reward.

I've had to live with this man for far too long due to economic and financial circumstances and I've beaten myself up many times for not being able to find a way out or for not leaving when I still had a chance.  I don't want to live this way.  I don't want to live with anyone who doesn't want to be happy and create harmony in life.  I don't want to live with an angry controlling person who is so small inside that they must resort to excessive ugliness in order to feel alive and in control.  I think it's truly disgusting and I'll never understand why anyone would find any reward in being ugly and mean and cruel and selfish.  

So, this morning I woke up and had to deal with one his typical PA behaviors that was used against some wildlife in the gardens and I let it go.  I ignored it but internally, I was boiling.  I stopped, took notice of my feelings and asked myself what was really at the root of my disgust and frustration.  It's always more difficult for me to observe someone else harming someone or something else.  I feel like I should step up and protect the victims of bullies.  I've always been that way.  So, having to surrender under such circumstances is very difficult for me.  I also feel like I'm living a sinful life. I'm not really talking about a religious sinning per se but more of a sinful life that betrays my own values and the natural order of the universe that seeks peace, harmony, love, compassion and kindness.  " I shouldn't be living this way!", I thought to myself.  " I don't want to be in that kind of person's life".  I felt myself becoming extremely frustrated and very sad and hopeless about my circumstances.  I decided to stop and take a break from what I was doing and just sit quietly and meditate on happier and supportive thoughts.  I told myself that it was ok to be upset, that I'm doing the best I can right now and it wont' last forever and that it's perfectly normal to feel angry under the circumstances but that it's a waste of my precious life and health to respond to such negativity.  I realized that if I respond, that I'm being the devil's advocate and perpetuating more and anger and self shame.  

During my meditative contemplation, while I was preparing and old recipe of my grandmother's, I imagined asking her a question about the recipe and receiving a very vague, ambiguous response.   Suddenly, a thought ( and feeling) struck me like a ball peen hammer on my head that she too is like my husband. It really made me feel sick. I felt as though I had asked a stupid question that was beneath her, I felt ashamed. I tried putting myself in her shoes and imagine what she was feeling or thinking but I couldn't get to that place because if I were a grandmother, I would feel so happy and honored that my grand daughter would trust me enough to ask me anything.   It's never been that way in my family.  You see, everyone in my family except me ( I truly mean that) has some sort of control issue with providing helpful information or guidance of any type.  Very simply, it's like they don't want to help anyone with anything that will truly enable them achieve success or be happy.  They don't want anyone to have their knowledge or their skill, wisdom or anything else.   My husband has never done anything kind or nice for me unless others were watching or visiting our home.  My gosh, everyone in my family is this way except for my maternal grandfather and my father.  They are the only two relatives in my life that actually devoted their time with me to teaching me all sorts of things that would help me grow and be self reliant.  However, I didn't have much time with them.  

My family is full of selfish insecure people who find it more satisfying to be in competition with their ' loved ones' and hoard all the power and control.  How can anyone be happy that way?   I can't stand feeling bad so, I don't want to do anything that creates negativity, I want to be an inspiration to others and live a happy life with people who want to create a link in the ' love-chain'.  Truman Capote  wrote about the chain of love... ." Love is a chain of love, as nature is a chain of life".  Why does love not make them feel happy and want to keep that feeling going?  Were they not born with G-d's  love in their heart? Is it not natural for humans to want to love and be loved?  Why do they feel such satisfaction in breaking the chain?  

[Kwamina]

Hi Leaving

It's clear that you are finding the situation with your husband quite difficult at the moment. It can indeed be quite difficult understanding why another person behaves the way he or she does. Considering people with BPD or NPD, what might help to keep in mind is that they are disordered, their mind is wired differently from nondisordered people. This doesn't mean that they are 'crazy' or that they aren't responsible for the things they do, because they are, but it does mean that their behavior comes forth from their disorder. As mind-boggling as their behavior can be, they did not choose to be BPD or NPD. We can hold the disordered people in our lives accountable for their behavior (including refusing to seek help), whether they are disordered or not, but we can't hold them accountable for having a PD. Looking at my uBPD family-members this way has helped me better understand why it is that they behave the way they do.

I also feel like I'm living a sinful life. I'm not really talking about a religious sinning per se but more of a sinful life that betrays my own values and the natural order of the universe that seeks peace, harmony, love, compassion and kindness.  " I shouldn't be living this way!", I thought to myself.  " I don't want to be in that kind of person's life".  

The points you talk about here are very important. Your words here clearly illustrate the relation between values and boundaries, something also discussed in one of our articles:

When we speak of the boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction. This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble.

This is an important point that is often overlooked.

... .

Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

I realized that if I respond, that I'm being the devil's advocate and perpetuating more and anger and self shame.

This was very good! We can't control the other person but what we can control is our own behavior and how we respond to others. To end the cycle of conflict what we can do is stop participating in that cycle

My gosh, everyone in my family is this way except for my maternal grandfather and my father.  They are the only two relatives in my life that actually devoted their time with me to teaching me all sorts of things that would help me grow and be self reliant.  However, I didn't have much time with them.  

... .

I don't want to do anything that creates negativity, I want to be an inspiration to others and live a happy life with people who want to create a link in the ' love-chain'.  Truman Capote  wrote about the chain of love... ." Love is a chain of love, as nature is a chain of life".  Why does love not make them feel happy and want to keep that feeling going?  Were they not born with G-d's  love in their heart? Is it not natural for humans to want to love and be loved?  Why do they feel such satisfaction in breaking the chain?  

It isn't easy growing up in an environment with multiple disordered individuals. I experienced this as well and (unfortunately) know how tough this is for a child. Although you did not have much time with them, I am glad though that you at least had two family-members (maternal grandfather and father) who you have some positive memories of. That is something to hold on to and also a reminder that there in fact is a different way to do things and lead your live. You are trying to break this cycle of conflict and dysfunction and are rightfully focusing on yourself to do so. We can't control what others do, only what we do ourselves. Why don't we join hands on this board and together form a new chain of life and love to replace the old chains of conflict Here's a start:

     

[Leaving]

Hi Leaving

Why don't we join hands on this board and together form a new chain of life and love to replace the old chains of conflict Here's a start:

     

Thank you Kwamina.  I like your idea   

         

[Leaving]

Hi Leaving

Why don't we join hands on this board and together form a new chain of life and love to replace the old chains of conflict Here's a start:

     

Thank you Kwamina.  I like your idea   

         

Kwamina wrote: "For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent."

It's like raising children, isn't it?  That's why it takes immense maturity to raise children and not allow them to drag us into their competitive drama.  It's difficult for me to uphold my maturity and not engage because I expect my husband to behave like a grown man.  In reality he really is my child and I have to remember to treat him the same way I would treat my own child.  Frustrating as heck!

One thing that helps me stay true to my convictions is remembering that how I choose to behave in any given moment is really just between me and G-d.  Just like what anyone else does is between them and their creator.  Therefore, I try not allow anyone to drag me down to their level and betray my own values.  As they say, ' if doing the right thing were easy, everyone would be doing the right thing'

[Kwamina]

Hi again Leaving

I am glad you like my idea

It's difficult for me to uphold my maturity and not engage because I expect my husband to behave like a grown man.  In reality he really is my child and I have to remember to treat him the same way I would treat my own child.  Frustrating as heck!

I understand your frustrations. Truly accepting the reality of BPD/NPD and the consequences of it can be very hard indeed. I've selected some passages from our articles and workshops that I think might be helpful for you:

Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something; it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is--with all its sadness, humor, irony, and gifts--at a particular point in time... .~ Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D., LCSW, Surviving a Borderline Parent

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature... .Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

BPD/NPD poses us with a tough reality, yet it is the reality nonetheless. It often seems counter-intuitive, but to achieve radical change, we must first practice radical acceptance:

So if you want things to change, accept them.  Then change them. Because when we talk about accepting reality as it is, we're not saying, 'Accept reality as it is and believe it can never change.' Reality is always changing.  If you want to have an influence on how it changes, you see your interest is to accept how it is right now.