1 month NC and still can't come to terms with her reasoning

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've posted about my relationship with my exBPDgf previously... .basically she asked for space from me at some point, which eventually led me to realize she is a horrible person, a gigantic liar (faked cancer for 6 months, told her friends she had a restraining order against me while we were living together etc.).

But what really bothers me is her reasoning for why she needed space... .she said because I called her names in past arguments, they hurt so deeply they "tore her down" and "shouldn't have happened in the first place".  So she said she was now more scared of me than she loves me because I tear her down and she couldn't even think of ever being able to lean on me or be intimate with me again.

Never mind the constant lies, circular arguments, using her friends against me, constant push pull, etc... .a little name calling a few times in arguments by me out of frustration have made her decide she can NEVER lean on me.

WHAT?

Then I tried to explain you can't build anything in life if you're going to cut and run based on something so small in a 2 year relationship... and it's another circular argument complete with gas lighting to where I am just apologizing for ___ I am not responsible for. 

It's still so damn sad and frustrating... .we were living together for 2 years... .she was my dream girl, and I was her dream man... .and then in the span of a few months she somehow destroyed our relationship and made me the source of all of her problems.

And the worst part is there was no talking to her about it... .it's like a switch went off in her head and I became someone else to her (splitting I guess).  Man that is so painful for me... .I've wanted to just end it all at times (my life) but obviously I would come to my senses a day or two later... .but it still hurts so much.

And she's just going to go ruin someone else's life for another few months or years... .(she was married before for  1 year and did all the same stuff there, lying and alienating her husband who I know and loved her like I loved her... .).  I guess we're both suckers... .and there will always be someone new for her to ruin, blaming them for her predicament.

I find myself wanting to see her again, romanticizing the good times because honestly the little things that were bad were so far and few in between... .she just turned them into monumental arguments and confrontation... .I just want her to move out of town and leave this planet so I don't have any chance of seeing her again... .I don't want to experience that pain again... .but I can't stop wanting to see her... .AHHHHH!

[poedameron]

I've posted about my relationship with my exBPDgf previously... .basically she asked for space from me at some point, which eventually led me to realize she is a horrible person, a gigantic liar (faked cancer for 6 months, told her friends she had a restraining order against me while we were living together etc.).

But what really bothers me is her reasoning for why she needed space... .she said because I called her names in past arguments, they hurt so deeply they "tore her down" and "shouldn't have happened in the first place".  So she said she was now more scared of me than she loves me because I tear her down and she couldn't even think of ever being able to lean on me or be intimate with me again.

Never mind the constant lies, circular arguments, using her friends against me, constant push pull, etc... .a little name calling a few times in arguments by me out of frustration have made her decide she can NEVER lean on me.

WHAT?

Then I tried to explain you can't build anything in life if you're going to cut and run based on something so small in a 2 year relationship... and it's another circular argument complete with gas lighting to where I am just apologizing for ___ I am not responsible for. 

It's still so damn sad and frustrating... .we were living together for 2 years... .she was my dream girl, and I was her dream man... .and then in the span of a few months she somehow destroyed our relationship and made me the source of all of her problems.

And the worst part is there was no talking to her about it... .it's like a switch went off in her head and I became someone else to her (splitting I guess).  Man that is so painful for me... .I've wanted to just end it all at times (my life) but obviously I would come to my senses a day or two later... .but it still hurts so much.

And she's just going to go ruin someone else's life for another few months or years... .(she was married before for  1 year and did all the same stuff there, lying and alienating her husband who I know and loved her like I loved her... .).  I guess we're both suckers... .and there will always be someone new for her to ruin, blaming them for her predicament.

I find myself wanting to see her again, romanticizing the good times because honestly the little things that were bad were so far and few in between... .she just turned them into monumental arguments and confrontation... .I just want her to move out of town and leave this planet so I don't have any chance of seeing her again... .I don't want to experience that pain again... .but I can't stop wanting to see her... .AHHHHH!

[Corgicuddler95]

While perhaps not as intense a situation, i feel similarly (2 months break up, 6 weeks non contact) and am finding it hard to understand her moviation or reasoning, I mean I haven't changed and she was about to move nearer me making it less long distance.

It's awful and hard to accept but sometimes we have to accept that they way a BPD process emotions and thoughts is too different sometimes for us to understand, like a Lovecraftian God.

[svart]

My story is like a clone version of yours poedameron. The painful side is that I work at the same place where she works. And like you I wish I never see her again.

[HappyNihilist]

poedameron, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time.   One month out is still very raw. The whirlwind of thoughts and emotions can be overwhelming.

These relationships can be emotionally devastating. With time, the thoughts and emotions calm down. But right now, you have every reason to feel confused, heartbroken, and deeply hurt. Grieving the end of a relationship is hard - detaching from a disordered relationship adds its own unique challenges.

I know you're desperate to come to terms with her reasoning and try to understand. It's only natural to both want and not want her. These relationships are complicated and difficult to process.

It may help you to just step back and give yourself some time to recover and heal. You can start to put the pieces together more clearly once you've given yourself time to move on from the rawness.

This lesson was very helpful to me when I was raw, depressed, and desperate for answers - Lesson: Healing, the big picture

And the worst part is there was no talking to her about it... .it's like a switch went off in her head and I became someone else to her (splitting I guess).  Man that is so painful for me... .I've wanted to just end it all at times (my life) but obviously I would come to my senses a day or two later... .but it still hurts so much.

Being split black by a loved one is incredibly painful. I'm so sorry you had to experience this.

I'm very glad to hear that you pulled through those times when you wanted to end it all. Was there anything in particular that helped you "come to your senses" and get through those times? How long has it been since you last had those thoughts?

Keep posting - it helps to talk. 

[enlighten me]

Hi Poedameron

Yes its baffling. I have read that in the beginning a pwBPD has expectations of us. We are the answer to their dreams. At this time we haven't done anything to tarnish these expectations. As time goes on we prove to them that we are not perfect. We don't live up to their expectations and they feel cheated. Eventually we become a trigger for them just by being there and they need to get away from us. This was written by a pwBPD. It is only one BPD sufferers experience but for me it seemed to fit.

We cannot hold ourselves responsible for not living up to a persons expectations of us unless we gave them those expectations.