Struggling to detach from BPD wife despite what I've been through

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I’m not sure where to start with this, just like most others on this board, it has been a loong road.

Maybe the best place to start is where I am today.

I married a BPDw, we have been married for 21 months. Out of those 21 months I left the house on three separate occasions for a total of 8 months gone. I left each time because I didn’t feel safe in my own home(after you hear the following story I think you’ll agree) we have been currently separated for 6 weeks.

The following incident happened three months into our marriage:

We were trying to decide where to go for dinner, for some reason I could not come up with a good suggestion, according to her.  I eventually told her that the whole thing is silly and I could care less where we go, just pick a place and I`m there. Well, that was it, she absolutely blew a gasket and the following events took place.

I will not give you a play by play of what happened because it was a 24 hour ordeal. But I will just hit the “lo-lights”. She slammed her computer shut and stormed upstairs to her room. Then she came downstairs and continued to berate me for daring to speak to her like that. I can assure you, I come from a large Italian family, we are loud and rambunctious, and the way I spoke was nowhere near a “loud voice”. She said it was more the “tone. This is her famous reason whenever asked, “What does he do that makes you react so ferociously?” Her answer every time is, “Its not what he says or does, its his tone of voice”…can you say “eggshells”.

So the nonstop berating continued into the night, I went upstairs to be by myself and she kept coming upstairs walking in the room screaming and ranting and raving then slamming the door( I mean slam!….I need to write a congratulatory letter to the maker of that door…I have no idea how it stayed on its hinges).

Finally, she came through the door with a pill bottle in one hand and a handful of pills in the other. She looked straight at me and dumped the handful of pills in her mouth and slammed the door. I had never witnessed anything like this, I was in shock, what in the heck do I do know, so I walked downstairs and told her that we needed to go to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. As I walked towards her she looked at me with one of the most devilish looks and said, “Don’t f-ing touch me!” The more I sat there and tried to reason with her the nastier she got. At one point as she was staring forward not even looking at me she said, “you are going to sit here and watch me die, then you`ll be happy and have what you wanted all along”. It was so surreal, it was like I was watching a movie except I was in it and had to make snap decisions. Very shortly after that, her eyes got heavy and she fell asleep. I know I know in retrospect I should have called 911, but for some reason my strategy was to continue to check on her every few minutes to make sure she was still breathing…... long story short she was fine and slept for 10 hours.

When she finally woke up the next day she was very quiet at first. I didn’t want to be the one to start the conversation. I was really waiting for her to apologize and explain to me what the hell happened last night. Not only did she not apologize, she started getting on me about why I didn’t call 911 and was I just going to sit there and watch her die, she said “you clearly see that she was distraught and you chose to do nothing about it?”. And as she continued to slowly come out of her funk the berating continued and then started to ramp up. I tried to stay clear of her, but she just followed me where ever I went in the house, firing salvos at me at will.

Screaming, how I don`t give a about if she lives or dies, that I hate her, that she wishes she were never born, marrying me was the worse decision of her life (oh, and by the by…I am her third husband and she is only 43 yrs. old…... ok let’s all say it together….”RED FLAG”).

So, I finally settled in my bed, turned on the football game and stared straight ahead at the game as she continued to rant. I had become so numb to the nastiness by this time and of course she sensed that it wasn’t getting to me, which made her more furious.

She came sliding across the bed, grabbed my face and started twisting my cheeks saying “you don`t even give a do ya”? I continued to look forward and not even look at her, that sent her over the edge (literally).  She screamed and made a beeline towards the two story cat walk in the house with a railing that is about fifteen feet high. She leaned over and went head first down to the hardwood floors below. I sat there in my bed stunned and bewildered at what I just witnessed, if I thought last night was surreal this was more than one person should have to witness in 24 hours.

Mind you we were only married for 3 months at this point!

My first thought was, “I just witnessed my wife falling to her death!”.

As I approached her I could see that she was still breathing. So I immediately called 911. As the medics were working on her, two cops pulled me to the side and asked what happened. I told them. Then they  looked at me and asked, “was anyone else here at the time?” I said “No”, then they asked me point blank “did you push her?” That sent a chill down my spine, if she dies or is disabled for life how can I prove I didn’t do anything. Now, let me give you a visual that makes this even worse for me, I am 6’5” and weigh 245 lbs. and in excellent shape. My wife is 5’4” and 120 lbs. and very petite. I answered emphatically “No”, but the terrible scenario lingers to this day.

They air lifted her to the hospital, I did not find out if she was dead or alive for the next two hours as I made my way to the hospital. They told me she was alive but had some serious injuries.

WOW! Thank you for this forum. I have never really sat down and wrote all this stuff down before. It’s both therapeutic and scary. When I start to see the events chronicled it really makes me become very concerned, not only because of what I went through but the question of why on God’s green earth would I just sit there and take the abuse but worse yet, go back!

I have to end there, my mind is going in so many different directions right now.

There are more pills, ambulances, fire trucks, butcher knives, video of her painting a scenario of killing me, 200 hundred phone text messages and 100 phone calls in a 10 hour span…and on and on and on.

There are so many questions:

Were there warning signs? (many)

Why did I stay and take it? (my own issues of self-worth)

Why did I go back? (more bizarre stories)

Why am I not furious at her? (this is the most puzzling)

Believe it or not everything written above was never intended to be part of this post. It just sort of flowed out. This was what I was going to post:

In the two years of dating and the almost 2 years of marriage (INCLUDING THE TIMES OF SEPARATION) she has never gone more than 4 days without reaching out to me in one form or another. It has now been one week and I`m starting to freak out a little bit….what?... .after all she has put me through?... .when I know in my heart it could NEVER work with her. She has been like a drug for me and I notice after 2 or 3 days I start to have some minor withdraw symptoms, but up to now she has always come through by providing me a “hit’ through some form of contact. It just reinforces the fact that I am by no means detached from her, this is going to be tough.

Thanks if you read this far, I will add to the story as time goes by, but I think questions will be the best way to get at all the issues involved.

Can someone think of a better subject line than mine, I would like as many people to follow this story as possible.

Ciao

[Rameses]

I’m not sure where to start with this, just like most others on this board, it has been a loong road.

Maybe the best place to start is where I am today.

I married a BPDw, we have been married for 21 months. Out of those 21 months I left the house on three separate occasions for a total of 8 months gone. I left each time because I didn’t feel safe in my own home(after you hear the following story I think you’ll agree) we have been currently separated for 6 weeks.

The following incident happened three months into our marriage:

We were trying to decide where to go for dinner, for some reason I could not come up with a good suggestion, according to her.  I eventually told her that the whole thing is silly and I could care less where we go, just pick a place and I`m there. Well, that was it, she absolutely blew a gasket and the following events took place.

I will not give you a play by play of what happened because it was a 24 hour ordeal. But I will just hit the “lo-lights”. She slammed her computer shut and stormed upstairs to her room. Then she came downstairs and continued to berate me for daring to speak to her like that. I can assure you, I come from a large Italian family, we are loud and rambunctious, and the way I spoke was nowhere near a “loud voice”. She said it was more the “tone. This is her famous reason whenever asked, “What does he do that makes you react so ferociously?” Her answer every time is, “Its not what he says or does, its his tone of voice”…can you say “eggshells”.

So the nonstop berating continued into the night, I went upstairs to be by myself and she kept coming upstairs walking in the room screaming and ranting and raving then slamming the door( I mean slam!….I need to write a congratulatory letter to the maker of that door…I have no idea how it stayed on its hinges).

Finally, she came through the door with a pill bottle in one hand and a handful of pills in the other. She looked straight at me and dumped the handful of pills in her mouth and slammed the door. I had never witnessed anything like this, I was in shock, what in the heck do I do know, so I walked downstairs and told her that we needed to go to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. As I walked towards her she looked at me with one of the most devilish looks and said, “Don’t f-ing touch me!” The more I sat there and tried to reason with her the nastier she got. At one point as she was staring forward not even looking at me she said, “you are going to sit here and watch me die, then you`ll be happy and have what you wanted all along”. It was so surreal, it was like I was watching a movie except I was in it and had to make snap decisions. Very shortly after that, her eyes got heavy and she fell asleep. I know I know in retrospect I should have called 911, but for some reason my strategy was to continue to check on her every few minutes to make sure she was still breathing…... long story short she was fine and slept for 10 hours.

When she finally woke up the next day she was very quiet at first. I didn’t want to be the one to start the conversation. I was really waiting for her to apologize and explain to me what the hell happened last night. Not only did she not apologize, she started getting on me about why I didn’t call 911 and was I just going to sit there and watch her die, she said “you clearly see that she was distraught and you chose to do nothing about it?”. And as she continued to slowly come out of her funk the berating continued and then started to ramp up. I tried to stay clear of her, but she just followed me where ever I went in the house, firing salvos at me at will.

Screaming, how I don`t give a about if she lives or dies, that I hate her, that she wishes she were never born, marrying me was the worse decision of her life (oh, and by the by…I am her third husband and she is only 43 yrs. old…... ok let’s all say it together….”RED FLAG”).

So, I finally settled in my bed, turned on the football game and stared straight ahead at the game as she continued to rant. I had become so numb to the nastiness by this time and of course she sensed that it wasn’t getting to me, which made her more furious.

She came sliding across the bed, grabbed my face and started twisting my cheeks saying “you don`t even give a do ya”? I continued to look forward and not even look at her, that sent her over the edge (literally).  She screamed and made a beeline towards the two story cat walk in the house with a railing that is about fifteen feet high. She leaned over and went head first down to the hardwood floors below. I sat there in my bed stunned and bewildered at what I just witnessed, if I thought last night was surreal this was more than one person should have to witness in 24 hours.

Mind you we were only married for 3 months at this point!

My first thought was, “I just witnessed my wife falling to her death!”.

As I approached her I could see that she was still breathing. So I immediately called 911. As the medics were working on her, two cops pulled me to the side and asked what happened. I told them. Then they  looked at me and asked, “was anyone else here at the time?” I said “No”, then they asked me point blank “did you push her?” That sent a chill down my spine, if she dies or is disabled for life how can I prove I didn’t do anything. Now, let me give you a visual that makes this even worse for me, I am 6’5” and weigh 245 lbs. and in excellent shape. My wife is 5’4” and 120 lbs. and very petite. I answered emphatically “No”, but the terrible scenario lingers to this day.

They air lifted her to the hospital, I did not find out if she was dead or alive for the next two hours as I made my way to the hospital. They told me she was alive but had some serious injuries.

WOW! Thank you for this forum. I have never really sat down and wrote all this stuff down before. It’s both therapeutic and scary. When I start to see the events chronicled it really makes me become very concerned, not only because of what I went through but the question of why on God’s green earth would I just sit there and take the abuse but worse yet, go back!

I have to end there, my mind is going in so many different directions right now.

There are more pills, ambulances, fire trucks, butcher knives, video of her painting a scenario of killing me, 200 hundred phone text messages and 100 phone calls in a 10 hour span…and on and on and on.

There are so many questions:

Were there warning signs? (many)

Why did I stay and take it? (my own issues of self-worth)

Why did I go back? (more bizarre stories)

Why am I not furious at her? (this is the most puzzling)

Believe it or not everything written above was never intended to be part of this post. It just sort of flowed out. This was what I was going to post:

In the two years of dating and the almost 2 years of marriage (INCLUDING THE TIMES OF SEPARATION) she has never gone more than 4 days without reaching out to me in one form or another. It has now been one week and I`m starting to freak out a little bit….what?... .after all she has put me through?... .when I know in my heart it could NEVER work with her. She has been like a drug for me and I notice after 2 or 3 days I start to have some minor withdraw symptoms, but up to now she has always come through by providing me a “hit’ through some form of contact. It just reinforces the fact that I am by no means detached from her, this is going to be tough.

Thanks if you read this far, I will add to the story as time goes by, but I think questions will be the best way to get at all the issues involved.

Can someone think of a better subject line than mine, I would like as many people to follow this story as possible.

Ciao

[Nextinline]

Rameses

WOW! Words fail me.

So much of what you have been through mirrors my journey. Living together for 4 years. The odd days here and there where she moved out. Now a 6 month separation where we did get back together and I proposed, only to finid out that she was carrying on a relationship with another guy.

Mine never took the pills... .but she did hold a carving knife to her stomach and threatened to stab herself. She has also taken herself to a very high cliff... .where according to conversations afterwards... .she would have jumped.

She is the same age as yours. She has one broken marriage but many failed relationships.

The screaming, berating, door slamming, middle of the night rampages are identical.

I had to get my ex's family to intervene one night so she would not continue the physical assault on me. I am almost as big as you. Any attempt to defend myself would have seen her get hurt.

I am having a surreal moment here, reading about another person having such a similar experience to my own. And right now, I was considering what I would do and how I would approach her if she wanted to try again.

Your story has just put the biggest red light up for me.

I am so sorry that you have gone through this. Maybe something good will come out of it. Maybe it will be the trigger for her to get hurt. I would have thought that 2 attempts to take your own life requires a thorough pysch assessment.

Hang in there. We are all here for you.

[enlighten me]

Hi Rameses

What can I say but wow. You have had a lot to deal with in such a short space of time.

I totally understand your analogy of being in withdrawal as it felt like that with me as well.

Firstly I want to ask what the police had to say in the end? Situations like this are very common and a lot of the time the partners can be set up to take the fall.

Your story has highlighted a number of points that could be used as lessons for others.

Firstly when she took the pills you didn't call 911. You realise that in retrospect that you should have. This I can understand as in a way you were trying to protect her. It was a situation that no matter what you did you were in the wrong in her eyes. If you had called 911 she would have probably berated you for making a fuss and embarrassing her. What it would have done though was protect you. In situations like this we all too often don't worry about ourselves.

Secondly why do we put up with this behaviour? Its strange the way that we can let this behaviour go on and do nothing about it. If a total stranger threatened you with a knife you would call the police straight away but when our partner does it we somehow write it off. Why do we do this? How is it we are not capable of applying rules of appropriate behaviour to our partners?

How are you doing now and how is your wife doing?

[itgirl]

WOW Rameses!  You poor guy.

I am sorry that only after a few months of being married you had to go through this.  Stay strong and please keep telling us your story.

[Wall bike]

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive because that is not the intention - but I feel it is a blessing you had this experience earlier than later.  People here will help guide you to the information and clarity you need to detach completely.  I wish you well.  I believe you are on the right path even though it may seem Rameses at this very moment.

[ikaminski]

MAN... .This was the first post i read on this forum...  I thought i was the only one that had this stuff going on... .

MY wife did the same exact thing with pills.  "Are you just going to watch me Die"

I have no right in giving anyone advice... .That just made me laugh at myself.  But i will share my feelings.

I may just be angry, but,

I am sorry. No one deserves to have to watch this happen in front of them.  no one deserves to be used as an emotional pawn for someone so their distorted needs can be met.  Regardless of whatever the perceived justification is.  

I have been unable to leave my wife as well.  I think its because i want to save her.  I keep believing she is in peril and i can help her.  I keep reading how they need to help themselves.  But my wife doesn't really want to, Her need to create chaos has too much of a self directed reward system than addressing issues and accepting responsibility for actions that NO ONE would want to have to say they did. I have some very different opinions about what i want from marriage.  The husband I want to be, unfortunalty is not the husband that can stand by and watch this stuff unfold. 15 years and i haven't learned yet.

[Rameses]

Thank you to everyone who responded, I want to let you know I read through your responses a couple of times to make sure I hear your heart. I prayed this morning on what my life's journey should be about. Then I went to the message boards and read your responses and BAM! there it was in black and white... .I want to help folks who have been through this horrific experience. Because living with this internal and external nightmare truly permeates throughout all other aspects of our lives and affects so many other people, like  Family and friends who can't understand why we stay with these people. So please don't hesitate to ask me questions, or if it's allowed by this forum contact me by email, whatever it takes so the horrific events I have had to endure don't go in vain.

I also just realized that this site is much more than just the discussion forum. I started reading from the beginning on all of the tools and help that is available to us. So I made it my life's mission to use this board to the fullest and  and then use this newfound knowledge to help others.

I have to go to work for a few hours but I will return and continue my story. I don't do this to  haphazardly share the gory details but given the responses I have gotten, I think it  could be useful to connect with others.

[FannyB]

Hi Rameses

Respect to you for having survived such a tortuous ordeal with your sanity intact.  

I note from your previous posts that you were 5 months no contact then disappeared from these boards for over a year. Did you go back to her because you missed her so much, because she made you feel guilty - or a combination of the both?

Cheers


Fanny

[goateeki]

Rameses, take it from me, a guy who divorced his wife of 19 years and mother of his two young children for similar behavior.  

You're lucky -- you're lucky because the path you should take ought to be crystal clear to you.  

This is one of the wackiest stories I have ever heard.  That's coming from a guy whose ex crawled around on the floor crying like a baby and hid in closets, and would deny that events that had just taken place and in which she participated had not taken place.  Someone who was described by my T (who I called during the craziest episodes to find out what the f*&%k I should do) as "crazy."

Rameses, there are a LOT of women in the world.  This is nuts, but I'm happy that it happened just three months into the marriage.  No alimony is you act fast.

[gameover]

Hey Rameses,

Absolutely harrowing.  Thank you for sharing.  Stories like this can be really helpful for people who feel like they are 'missing out' by the sudden end of their relationships.  

Not that every pwBPD will react this extremely--I can't picture my ex acting this way, but it makes me grateful that she didn't stick around long enough for me to find out! Couldn't imagine going through something like that.

[Rameses]

When I learn how to use the quote tool I will answer questions that were posed on this thread.

But for now let me continue my story.

This is a continuation from my first post, please read so you know why she is in the hospital.

When she came finally came down off the morphine and was coherent, I was really looking with anticipation as to what her thoughts were going to be. I was really hoping that this would be the so called “rock bottom” point in her life that would finally wake her up to the fact that she needs some serious help.

She looked up at me and with a silly little grin on her face she said, “I told you I was distraught”.

In my mind I was like “say what?” translation of her comment…this was all your fault. To this day she has never acknowledged or said that she was sorry or remorseful for what she did. Mainly because in her mind, I made her do it, so I am now suffering the consequences of my inaction. And now I was the grand prize winner of getting to take care of her since neither of us have family or friends that live nearby. And she would milk that for all it’s worth.

She ended up breaking her pelvis bone and hip bone and some minor head injuries. So when she finally came home she was bedbound for a short time and then needed the aid of a walker. So I had to wait on her hand and foot which was difficult task, she is very hard to please. If I hesitated at one of her requests, she would struggle to try and get up herself and tell me “just forget it, if you don’t want to help me I’ll just do it myself”….watch out below guilt bomb coming in!

Then one day during one of her badgering sessions towards me, about how I didn’t care that she was hurt, I had had enough so I went upstairs to get away from her.  I knew she was not able to get up the stairs, she had been sleeping on the couch downstairs. To my amazement, she had crawled up the stairs and crawled to the room to continue her harassment of me. It was like a horror movie, it gives me chills to this day. It was at this point that I made the decision to get out of that house for good, walker or no walker.

It had gotten to the point where she had become so irrational that I was now scared for my very life. Or the prospect of being framed concerning another one of her suicide attempts in which she would make it look like I tried to kill her. This scenario first hit me one day when I was driving her Mom to the hospital to visit my wife after the fall. As I was driving her mom started making comments like, “ ya know something just doesn’t seem right about this whole situation”, “I can’t believe she would jump over that railing, that’s not like her”, “I think we need to more about what happened that night”. Something went cold inside me, for the first time I started thinking, WOW, her family could very well conspire to put this whole thing on me that I tried to kill her.

Thank God she told the police early on and quite emphatically that I did not push her concerning the fall. But of course over time her story has changed and now her position is that she doesn’t hardly remember anything that happened that night.

So I called her Mom and told her she needed to come to the house and take care of her daughter because I did not feel safe in my own home plus my wife told me anyway that she didn’t need me to take care of her anymore.

I told her Mom that I was in the midst of packing up my stuff and I would be gone soon.

I called the police to watch me leave the house and confirm that she was ok when I left, and off I went.

[Rameses]

If you click on quote in the top of the post you want and then delete what you don't want between the to bracketed quote and the bottom. Then go to the end of the text past the last quote and type what you want to add.

So this a test. It looks weird so I'll see how it looks when I post.

[Rameses]

Sweet! it worked... .thanks for the enlightenment 

[Rameses]

Rameses

I am having a surreal moment here, reading about another person having such a similar experience to my own. And right now, I was considering what I would do and how I would approach her if she wanted to try again.

Your story has just put the biggest red light up for me.

I share this story because these type of occurrences are what you could look forward to if you continue to blow through the stop signs. Stop signs are there for a reason! I lost count at how many times I recycled. Like someone once told me, every time you go back it makes the next time you leave even harder, I am living proof of that. I wrote to myself in my journal 3 years ago, ":)on`t do this, get out now", funny how we can rationalize anything.

[Rameses]

Hi Rameses

Firstly I want to ask what the police had to say in the end? Situations like this are very common and a lot of the time the partners can be set up to take the fall.

The police and the investigators concluded that there was no foul play... .whew.

Word to the wise... .start journaling these events as they happen to you, you never know when you might need to defend yourself

Rameses

[Nextinline]

I am seriously lost for words to express my concern for you. There are so many parallels for me that it is truly frightening. I feel like I am at the scene of an horrific accident and can't drag myself away from looking at it.

I have no words of advise or encouragement here that would be in any way adequate for you.

You seem as though you are a rational and pragmatic person and are being haunted by a person who is possessed. And the sad thing is that no one else sees it other than you. The quote from her mother saying that she is not like that normally... .I'd love to have a dollar for every time I have heard that in my own situation.

I am sure there is more to come and there is still a very long journey ahead for you to fully extract yourself from this situation and to start to recover from the hurt and the trauma that you have gone through.

All I can do is offer my prayers and support to someone who is battling what appears to be a demonic possession in the person that they were in love with.

Take care mate

[Rameses]

I have been unable to leave my wife as well.  I think its because i want to save her.  I keep believing she is in peril and i can help her.  I keep reading how they need to help themselves.  But my wife doesn't really want to, Her need to create chaos has too much of a self directed reward system than addressing issues and accepting responsibility for actions that NO ONE would want to have to say they did. I have some very different opinions about what i want from marriage.  The husband I want to be, unfortunalty is not the husband that can stand by and watch this stuff unfold. 15 years and i haven't learned yet.

You cannot change her, these are patterns that have been there for years, way before you came along. You just happened to be the latest trigger for her and it will continue to be your fault. She won`t and can't take responsibility for her actions, it would mean the destruction of her self imposed importance and meaning in life. They live and breath on drama, did you ever notice that when the waters finally start to calm down a little bit, she will find the silliest little thing to get upset about, that's because that's when she feels alive... .pretty sad huh? But again we can't fix it!

[Rameses]

I note from your previous posts that you were 5 months no contact then disappeared from these boards for over a year.

Did you go back to her because you missed her so much, because she made you feel guilty - or a combination of the both?

I was not 5 months "no contact", I was 5 months out of the relationship. As far as no contact goes, this is where she has to get an award for the most persistent "contactor" eva.

Starting from the first break up 3 years ago, the longest she has ever gone without making some kind of connection is about a week. She used texting, emails, flowers, letters, jumbo trons at sporting events, letters to my mother and brothers, using a special app that allows you to call someone and then another persons number shows up on the caller ID, or it would read "private number" and if I ever answered it she would hang up immediately, and many other "devious" tactics too.

I didn't miss "her" per say, but I missed the idea of being with that person I met on the first date, which really wasn't the real her at all. I fell in love with a mirage that faded away with time. But that feeling she gave me the first several months was so intoxicating and I have been chasing after that illusion for a long time, fooling myself that if I went back one more time that mirage would be real.

[WhoMe51]

What you said in your last paragraph is the reason I kept going back time after time.  I was just chasing that fantasy and how she made me feel in the beginning.  That "high" I experienced at the first of the relationship.  But like you said it was just a mirage that faded away with time.  Thank you for posting your story.  It helped me remember why I am in no contact mode.