My first grandchild was born and no one has told me. I don't know his name.

[whiplashed_mom]

I don't know exactly where they live. They don't want us to contact them.

[whiplashed_mom]

We have four other children, one in college and three at home. We are a happy family, except for the trauma that she has brought to our lives. It's her parents that admitted that she was "very difficult to get along with", but, now they are the only welcome grandparents.

My daughter said that she knows families that have had physically violent episodes and they still celebrate holidays together. We did nothing wrong except in BPD dil's own mind. She's brainwashed him and they have even rejected all of the siblings and his extended family. What is he thinking?  He must remember how important his paternal grandparents were to him as a child.

[Kwamina]

Hi whiplashed_mom

I can totally understand why you find this situation so difficult to deal with. Becoming grandparents in this way is very tough. You currently seem to be totally NC with your son and Dil. Do your other children perhaps still have contact with your son? Do you have contact with the 'other' grandparents?

We have an article here about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG), if you haven't read it already I encourage you to do so: Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Do you feel like your Dil uses things such as fear, obligation and guilt to try and control your son? How was your relationship with your son before he got married? Would you say he already was susceptible to these kinds of influences from other people?

[whiplashed_mom]

Thank you for your reply, Kwamina.

They secretly moved away and sent us a letter saying we had "lost the privilege" to contact them for at least a year and to be part of their lives when the baby was born. They both first blocked, and then closed their Facebook accounts, blocking everyone so that *we* cannot see anything about them. Her mother also blocked us from seeing anything but public posts, at the time they did this.

If it was not for uBPD DIL, or someone like her, I am sure my son would be the same as ever. Though they are both first-borns, everyone in our family is quiet, bookish, thoughtful, often serving others. He was taught to obey his parents as a child, though he was naturally quite compliant. We were not going to have out-of-control-kids like those we saw everywhere!  It took me a couple of kids to realize that mine were not like the others and therefore we could lighten up.

He is also a problem solver. He, quietly, does all he can to help others. She never stops talking, and she always has a new crisis. Between her feminine charms, thinking he could solve her problems, and her early heaps of praise for both him *and* his family, he was smitten.

To answer your questions, there was no evidence of him being susceptible to other's influence. Though I was most shocked by her abuse, I was also shocked to see how he didn't respond to her abuse, but just seemed to feel ashamed. Even on their wedding day she told everyone, he "stepped on my dress, so now I can't dance at my own wedding", for which he hung his head in shame. I would never have said something like that to the man I love, especially on our wedding day.

He had a good relationship with all of us. Though, while working for my husband, he didn't respect his dad enough, as a boss. He didn't want to be doing that kind of work. He was a young man that wanted to get out on his own---(and she was already in his life to some degree, unbeknownst to us.) Therefore, theirs was a somewhat strained relationship, until he got another job.

Just this spring, he said that he would love to introduce her to the dancing that he has always enjoyed, (something she knew about all these years.) While he was saying this, her lip curled up in a sneer, which he noticed and so dropped the topic in dismay. She was always hyper sensitive to him interrupting her, which meant that he virtually never spoke--since she was always talking when we were all together. I finally figured out that this was because she was always interrupting him and others, and had to point out real or imagined sins of others to make herself feel better.

He was such a conscientious and reliable guy. Now I don't recognize his behavior. He knows what is right about making peace with us and others, but does the opposite. He joins her in dropping friends without a word, which he never did before. They left our church without telling anyone, even though he was one of a few deacons. This hurt a lot of feelings. He is in her spell, becoming like her. I wonder if he is so compliant and helpful that he will never come out of the FOG. Will he ever change?

Thank you for your reply and the recommendation!

[Turkish]

Train a child up in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

You can hope, but between child and old, there may be unspoken years. 

It's very sad that your son has let himself be controlled by her family and their Princess. My uBPDx was controlling, but more from a FOG standpoint (which was really me and my poor boundaries), rather than flat-out having me cut people off. This must be so painful. He's the Prodigal Son, in a way, and hopefully he'll hit rock bottom at some point and reach out to you.

[whiplashed_mom]

Thank you, Turkish.

Yes, he is the prodigal son. I sometimes feel badly that I required him to obey me while growing up, if that might have led to this relationship. Though, it seemed the right thing to do at the time. Sadly, he did not heed my advice when I warned him about the "contentious woman".  :'(  Too far gone by then.

[pessim-optimist]

Having a grandchild withheld and being cut off is really gut wrenching to deal with... . 

We've been there ourselves (several times). In our case it is my step-daughter and my husband's daughter who is the person w/BPD.

The bad news is that people w/BPD tend to have on-and-off relationships. The good news is that they tend to burn through their existing relationships and then very often tend to reconnect with those family and in-laws who might take them back, while the others are painted black, until there is another falling out.

Our son-in-law is a very nice guy, in many ways similar to what you describe in your son. We have watched his wife cut off contact with his siblings and/or parents several times over and he would simply go along (in the past he would have secret phone conversations with one of his sisters that he was close to, but that ended when his wife found out). When she cuts us off, we don't hear a word from him, even when we tried in the past to e-mail and find out what the deal was (which under normal circumstances would be odd or even rude, but we have come to expect it under the heading "it is what it is".

While I do not want to gloss over your situation, one way to look at it is that he has formed his new immediate family, and he is desperately trying to make that work, and he is probably under a great deal of stress himself, and doesn't know how to 'make his wife happy' and keep his family relationships intact at the same time... .

I know, it is sad... .One thing you can do, is to educate yourself on BPD as much as possible during this time of separation, so you are equipped with some tools to better communicate with your DIL and increase your chances of things going better (avoiding some possible traps ahead) when she will reconnect.

Please be kind to yourself during this time, allow yourself to grieve, and also take the time to do the things that make you and your husband happy... . 

[whiplashed_mom]

Thank you for your reply, Pessim-optimist. You have shared some very relevant recommendations.

Tonight, my daughter came home and announced that someone told her about the baby. I already thought the baby had been born, but we did not know absolutely. Now that we know his name, I am happier. I can tell others the answer to that question if anyone asks, and I feel better just knowing for myself. I was wondering all week whether it would be days or years before we knew.

On the other hand, the news has upset everyone else. My husband was holding out that the baby hadn't been born and that surely our son would contact us to tell us. Since, instead, two weeks have passed since the birth, he no longer hopes for any kind of relationship with our son. Knowing what it was like when each of our children was born, the joy we had sharing that time with our parents, he can only believe that our son hates us, for whatever reason. We could never have imagined this before she came into his life. Even now it is a shock.

The girls have always eagerly looked forward to becoming aunts one day. What an ugly thing the parents have turned this into for them. ---sweet, innocent girls who spent much of the spring crocheting baby items for their new nephew.

Even if they decided to see us, we all don't know how we could ever act normal with them again. I'll take your advice and learn all I can.

[pessim-optimist]

What a bitter-sweet relief, finding about the baby-boy and his name. He was born, he is safe and sound. 

In this day and age of young people's lives being so plentifully documented on Instagram, chances are that maybe a friend of your DIL will post a picture of the baby, and then you will have his picture too. That will be another happy/sad time. You mention that you are a family of faith - that gives all of you a wonderful opportunity to welcome this little baby-boy into your family and hold him up in your prayers. He is a precious little soul, and he will be blessed through your love and prayers whether you get to see him or not at this point in time.

I can understand your husband's hurt and anger and the disappointment of your daughters over this. It is hard for healthy people to imagine how there could be hope for a relationship after something like this, because we do not cut off people out of our lives in this fashion. And if we did cut someone off, we would have a good reason (e.g. that person being dangerous), and therefore it would most likely be final.

But with people w/BPD it is different. They live in the moment, and in the moment they believe that things are forever, but then they often change their mind on a dime seemingly without any rhyme or reason. There have been members here who's child told them to never contact them again, and then the child called the very next day like nothing happened. It can be baffling.

And the important thing is that the pwBPD (person w/BPD) tends to set the tone for the whole family and tends to interpret reality for their spouse, and either through emotional blackmail or through their distorted interpretation of facts (or both) enlist their spouse to side with them.

I don't know the details of your situation, your son may or may not believe bad things about you at this point. He may be misinformed, and be angry with you, or he may be simply trying to keep the stability in his household for the sake of his wife for himself and the baby.

Yes, it is tragic, and yes, there will be time missed. Finding ways for your family to grieve the losses and to celebrate the baby in your own way is important. It would be yet another loss if this topic became a taboo in your family and if everyone was left to deal with the sadness on their own - you can support each other in this.

Even if they decided to see us, we all don't know how we could ever act normal with them again.

I hear you. I think you can develop some ideas on how to be honest when the time comes without triggering yet another breakdown. Delving into the past and trying to resolve things usually doesn't help with a pwBPD, it is better to stay in the present and look toward the future. That doesn't mean that you have to pretend that nothing happened, though. Using the tools while staying authentic and true to yourself is a tall order, yet it is a rewarding experience.

How long has this been going on? Have you had a chance to recover from the initial shock of the cutoff and read about BPD, or is it still pretty fresh for you and your family?