Hello

[ikaminski]

Hello, I am lost.  I have been married for 15 years to my wife that i thought was normal, I thought i was the bad one.  She was just diagnosed BPD/NPD. I have put up with hate violence cheating constant lying and i still for some reason love my wife... .PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHY!  I have been so ripped apart, I wanted to push out the words of pain i have, but i am tired of talking like a victim, I WANT MY LIFE BACK!... I travel for a living and i had problems making counseling.  have done online counseling. I stopped working as much and Went to marriage counseling and the councelor told me that i have lived my entire time married never doing anything for myself, and i should do something selfish for me... .Well now i still have the same wife, and a Mustang... . 

I have 2 Boys, i Am afraid if i leave they will be her target, as she has already caused pain in them. 

about 10 months ago, i drew a boundary accost the board.  Refusing any distruction from her.  It EXPLOADED.  It was 10 months of insanity... .I will write a book Called What the heck.  Daily Chaos 15 hours a day... .Uncontrolled anger. 

I was insane as well... .She was cutting and so hurtful.

I WANT MY OLD SELF BACK.  I USED TO LIKE ME!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi ikaminski, welcome

Whew, sounds like a lot of chaos and confusion going on in your life.  Hang in there... .How are your boys doing?  It's hard when it's not only ourselves to be concerned about.

How has your wife taken the news of being diagnosed BPD/NBD?

There is a lot of information available here, the Lessons are the best place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

Before we can make anything better, we must stop making it worse and oftentimes it means having Boundaries that our Values are based off of.  Even though they won't be appreciated, it's important to consistently adhere to our own boundaries.

In the meantime, deep breaths, exercise, eating healthily, decent sleep are very important things to keep track of in ourselves; taking care of ourselves.  We need energy to withstand the storms, even when it means walking away to seek momentary shelter.

I'm glad you're here, you've found the right place

Oh, and what color is your Mustang?  Is it new or classic?

[Wall bike]

You are taking the steps to getting your life back.  It is quite overwhelming.  If you haven't been here long, please read, take advantage of the wealth of experience from posters just like yourself.  And as someone once told me, breathe.  :)eep breaths.

[ikaminski]

Thank you both for your kind words.

I apologize i would rather make jokes to lighten the subject.  Its a flaw.

I don’t know how my wife is taking the diagnosis. At times she sees the behavior and other times She denies it exists or plays the game of “its not me, its you a-hole, if you were me and i were a spectator pretending to be you judging and hating me” Its a holiday favorite.

Yesterday is a perfect example. I had BPD yesterday… Oh thank God, IT IS ME!, So i slept in the guest room after she started getting aggressive, for asking how her counseling is going and if she has been honest.  She lied, I got angry and said “When are the boys and i going to be important enough for you to be honest and get help and less important for you to protect how you feel about yourself”  Well  Let me tell you… That is not what to say…  Its how i felt…  But she went into a rage. I woke up this morning to a pile of broken glass on my nightstand where the picture of my boys and i used to be.  text this morning, Don’t worry she said she was in a BPD rage yesterday and will get it reprinted and she got aggressive last night… um… “is that sorry” or facts... um.  It could have been worse like the time she drove her car into mine in the driveway, The insurance guy was confused, so was I.

She has been in counseling for 8 months, It was an demand for any future contact between us.  She came home one day and said she was diagnosed BPD/NPD  Don’t really know more.  I am not allowed in her counseling. Thats ok with me long as she gets the help she needs.  I went to one counseling session, and then my wife told me that the councelor said i was controlling and then said she could not get any help with someone like me around.  Well OK… My bad… So i ask her after every session how she is doing and is there anything i can do to help, can we talk about it. (lose/lose Be called controlling or be told i don’t care about her counseling)  This councelor has said a lot of really hurtful things about me.  Like i make her lie and all kinds of hurtful things.  I think i should maybe call him out on being more sensitive LOL... Maybe correct some of this… But i can’t imagine how that would be helpful.  Hey I am here just to complain about my wife She is so Blah that she Blah blah …. That will go over great. (sadistically i would like to pull together all the people she has played the victim to and put on a real show.  Ladies and gentleman no children allowed)  Just kidding  (but would i shock some people. Maybe sell tickets— T shirts… popcorn) Sorry not appropriate, But at some point its got to be not serious.  Right?

Side note-

My wife has had Affairs with three men, I hear different stories about what happened.  One man was over 6 years. She said she loved both of us and he was better. He was Sexy and attractive and i am not.  She had all these credit cards i didn’t know about and was saving them to leave me and be with him.  She told me how great he was and how i had no right to stop her.  I was gaslighted into believing i was weak and small and ugly that no one would ever love me not even my wife.  I really believed that.  I was uneducated because i only went to art school and didn’t go to a real school like her.  I was/am successful and my wife doesn’t need to work.  I felt invalid.  She refused to end it with him.  I would find little notes or messages  for god sakes she sent him Christmas cards... SHE IS JEWISH!  3 weeks ago she said she faked all of it and she was never cheating.  she was inappropriate and broke my heart but never cheated… WHAT!  She also explained the other 2 men off as a source of control.  She has been lying telling different stories.  I thought about getting a paternity test for my children but decided i was just crazy…  DOES THIS HAPPEN?  IS THIS A JOKE?  Do i believe this? I want to... Am i naive.

I have found information to support her claims, but i am tired of it.  I can’t do this roller coaster anymore.

I am mostly concerned for my children.  I have stopped her from acting out words them.  I travel for a living about 40% of the time.  My boys were angry with me so i talked with them.  She had told them i travel because i don’t love them and i love the people i work with more than them...   I lost my SHizzle... Official Family meeting… I made her admit that was a lie. my oldest lost it and i held him for over an hour crying.  My career was a choice we both made together, I have repeatedly said just sat the world and i will stop traveling.  She has never pulled that stunt again.

When i decided the wrong way to “Stop Walking on eggshells” Oh and i mean the wrong way  It went from Horrible to a one way ticket to Crazytown.  I refused to accept lies. I refused to accept abuse.  I fought tooth and nail. i lost it and called her out and said exactly what you shouldn’t. She exploded. I didn’t realize i was throwing gasoline on gasoline. 8 Months of 15 hours a day of fighting  I was lied to thousands of times a day.  Told she had lost pregnancies she never had. She attacked me form all sides. I was so determined to fix her, She is the mother of my children.  Even after all the destruction I love her, I need a real wife.  This is My Fault… I didn’t know about BPD, Still don’t.  My children suffered through all of this, because i was trying to save what we had.  I Didn’t understand she was angry at me for her own actions. I didn’t understand that everything is Bass Ackwards. Nothing is what it seems and her crazy talk and cutting was the way she was dealing with me.  Her Attacks and changing recollections of what happened wasn’t games and manipulation just to kill me it was to protect her.  Here is the thing, I may be wrong but at some point what she said and did to me isn’t justified by her issues.  and my pain is real. My pain is tangible, Her pain is real yet the product of an unfortunate disorder.  When do i get to Say I am angry you did this.

I am angry our kids had to see this, Feel concerned when daddy left he was never coming back.  I AM ANGRY.

Well that felt good… I totally forgot where i was going.

Oh

Its a 2015 50th anniversary mustang GT in dark green, full race pack with line lock and what not. 

My boys LOVE some BURNOUTS.

[an0ught]

Hi  ikaminski,

looks like you took a hard road to arrive here  . You beat yourself up for triggering a big explosion and total craziness for some time and yes, possibly this could have done a little more quieter. But where so much conflict potential has been stored for so long there is not a smooth path to release it.

The important point is you made a stand and suddenly things are changing. You actually have a lot more power than you thought. I recommend you study the workshops on boundaries a little and compare what you did with what is written there about boundaries. It will help you to understand what you did right and also how you can do even better.

Deescalating when possible is also an important skill. We really don't need more conflicts than there are already. You will find the validation workshops useful. When things came head-to-head you were not mincing words. In some sense this was right and validating - you were speaking the truth and quite possibly she sensed it a bit. Still how we express what needs to be said makes a big difference - check out the workshops on SET.

Last but not least ,

a0