In tears today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I stumbled across a TON of pictures from my 5.5 year relationship.  What's killing me is I had to walk away from a little girl whom I cared for and loved just as she was my own.  I miss her so much.  I still check on her because I can't just walk away and not look back.  She called me Mom for the longest and considered my Son her older big brother.  He misses her as well.  My XBPDgf never hardly even asks about my son.

How can I miss such an uncaring person.  Who has since moved on and dated many and is now in love again.  The only reason I know is due to mutual friends.

I know I miss the good things and not the bad. I know I am better off now.  But there are still moments when I wish I had just been quiet and not pointed out that she lied to me and went out with someone while we were still together.  I feel crazy for feeling like that.  I know it's not right.  

I'm going to therapy.  I am just having a really bad day right now.  I have never felt so much love until that relationship.  I have dated since but there just isn't a spark.

My friends all think I am crazy for feeling anything still for her.  They don't understand just how intense our relationship was.  

Thank you all for listening to me and letting me ramble today.  Just having a bad day.

:'(

[seh77]

So I stumbled across a TON of pictures from my 5.5 year relationship.  What's killing me is I had to walk away from a little girl whom I cared for and loved just as she was my own.  I miss her so much.  I still check on her because I can't just walk away and not look back.  She called me Mom for the longest and considered my Son her older big brother.  He misses her as well.  My XBPDgf never hardly even asks about my son.

How can I miss such an uncaring person.  Who has since moved on and dated many and is now in love again.  The only reason I know is due to mutual friends.

I know I miss the good things and not the bad. I know I am better off now.  But there are still moments when I wish I had just been quiet and not pointed out that she lied to me and went out with someone while we were still together.  I feel crazy for feeling like that.  I know it's not right.  

I'm going to therapy.  I am just having a really bad day right now.  I have never felt so much love until that relationship.  I have dated since but there just isn't a spark.

My friends all think I am crazy for feeling anything still for her.  They don't understand just how intense our relationship was.  

Thank you all for listening to me and letting me ramble today.  Just having a bad day.

:'(

[Mutt]

Hi seh77,

I'm sorry to hear that  I can understand how that hurts when friends and family invalidate our feelings by saying things like you're crazy for feeling anything for her. We often cared a lot for our ex partners despite how intense things are.

I also understand how that feels like when we have a parental bond with our exe's kids. I think that was one of the hardest parts of my grieving was losing my step daugther that I cared for 7 and half years.

How can I miss such an uncaring person.  Who has since moved on and dated many and is now in love again.  The only reason I know is due to mutual friends.

A 5.5 year long relationship is a long-term relationship. I completely understand how you would miss your ex.

[seh77]

Thanks Mutt,

I know it will take time to come to terms with everything that happened in the relationship.  It just kills me that she moved on like I was nothing.  It made me feel disposable.  I just can't wrap my head around how someone could supposedly love you so very much and then BAM! Drop you like a hot coal.  (I know it's the BPD)  I know normal healthy people don't act like that.

[Mutt]

I understand how much it hurts when our ex partners don't acknowledge our pain.

[HappyNihilist]

  Are you having a better day today, seh? I know how tough those bad days are. 

You're right, it will take time to come to terms with everything, heal, and detach. It does get better. Eventually there are more good days than bad days, and the bad days continue to decrease. You've been hurt badly, you're grieving - it takes time.

It just kills me that she moved on like I was nothing.  It made me feel disposable. 

I felt disposable when my ex left me and moved on like nothing had happened. It's so painful to feel discarded by and meaningless to a person you love dearly.

Learning about BPD really helped me get over this flawed thinking. Realizing that my ex was more motivated by his overwhelming emotions, fears, and unfulfilled needs than by anything I did, helped me realize that his treatment of me didn't mean that I was 'nothing' to him.

I just can't wrap my head around how someone could supposedly love you so very much and then BAM! Drop you like a hot coal.  (I know it's the BPD)  I know normal healthy people don't act like that.

No, healthy people don't act like that. The good news is that, by becoming healthy yourself, you will naturally draw healthy people into your life. 

Have you looked at the lessons on BPD behaviors here yet? If not, you might find them helpful in learning more about BPD, and understanding what happened in your relationship. [LESSON] BPD Behaviors

[seh77]

Happy,

Thank you I am much better.  This week has been rough.  I have been reading everything I can get my hands on to better understand everything that has happened. 

I just go through the stages... I am so very angry at her and sad all at the same time.  But I am slowly kicking her out of my head because her time is up and she is being evicted.   

I feel sorry for her really.  I wish her the best in life and hope she truly finds piece.  I also value the lesson that I have learned from this relationship with her.  I will now pay attention to the  and not ignore it. 

[HappyNihilist]

I'm so glad you're feeling better.   

I chaotically bounced around the stages. I would be a desperate and sensitive mess in a mixed bargaining/depression stage. I would creep into acceptance only to be triggered and thrown way back into anger. It's not a linear process, by any means.

It's important to let yourself feel your feelings, experience your grief, allow yourself to feel angry - this is you getting in touch with yourself, re-focusing that energy that you've been focusing on your ex. This is how we detach and heal - by focusing on ourselves and who we really are.

I wish her the best in life and hope she truly finds piece.  I also value the lesson that I have learned from this relationship with her.  I will now pay attention to the  and not ignore it. 

That's a great place to be. Compassion for your ex as a struggling human, and appreciation for the lessons you've learned. It's great that you're learning more so that you can understand what happened in your relationship.

It will only get better. You've come a long way already.