Empathy -- It really doesn't take that much.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Commenced divorce from diagnosed BPD ex wife last October.  Completed it in July.  Have been with a very nice woman since November.  She is most things I thought I'd find in a relationship with a healthy person -- maybe all things.  It's very easy, conflict free, and very caring.

What has been startling to me is that the feeling of being alone in the relationship is completely absent with this woman.  I feel connected to her and she does to me, and we always feel cared for. 

I've tried to figure out what the difference is, aside from the fact that this woman is not constantly criticizing me.

I think it's the modest empathic gestures that she regularly makes.  She smiles at me when she sees me, she says please and thank you, she hugs me without me asking for it, she wants to spend time with me.  The petty things that my ex wife endlessly made the subject of some controversy do not even register to this woman.  She is someone who wants to be happy, likes her life and likes who she is.  On the rare occasions that I am troubled by something, she easily rubs me on the back and says something like "It'll be alright. We can handle it together."

We throw around the empathy concept a lot, almost to the point that it loses meaning. But when we stop and think about the form it takes -- the empathic "signals" that grease the wheels of human relationships -- do we find that it really does not take that much?  We (my girlfriend and I) say often how effortless our relationship seems, despite the fact that we talk about and contend with real things, like children and ex spouses, kids' schedules, school, college applications, etc. 

So I think that maybe I'm not such a screwed up person, as my ex wife insisted at least quarterly ("weird person," "bad person," "strange person," -- you pick the modifier) for 19 years.  Maybe I really don't need that much.  Maybe none of us really need that much.

I will never forget how, on the day my father died and I came home early from work to break the news to the kids, she opened the front door for me and turned to walk away before she even made eye contact or spoke with me.  She said later that at the time, she was "mad" at me about something, but couldn't remember what.  I think it could not have been that significant if she could not remember.  She always had an excuse for the coldest, most pathological behavior. 

And his angers me.  It angers me because it takes so little -- very little -- to be a connected, decent person who helps family members on the journey through this world. If she had put one quarter the energy into those small gestures that she put into the endless criticism of every last little thing (frequently delivered with a smile, like I was her employee or something), we could have had a good relationship.  Our children would not be spending half the week on their home (my place) and half the week in her apartment.  They never would have had to hear me say the words "Mommy and I have decided to not be married anymore." 

During marriage counseling, I said to her "I don't understand what the problem is.  I have modest emotional needs. I don't know why you can't just love me instead of acting like you can barely tolerate me."  It would have taken so little, and she could not muster even that.

I have to be honest here.  I think that when women are not emotionally healthy have children, it makes them even less emotionally healthy and it weakens their relationship with their husband.  I am not saying that this is true for healthy women.  I think that in healthy women, the birth of children most often has the effect of strengthening the marriage, assuming all things are equal.  But in emotionally unhealthy women who have a personal history like my ex wife, a family is almost too challenging for them it can bring out the worst in them. 

[goateeki]

Commenced divorce from diagnosed BPD ex wife last October.  Completed it in July.  Have been with a very nice woman since November.  She is most things I thought I'd find in a relationship with a healthy person -- maybe all things.  It's very easy, conflict free, and very caring.

What has been startling to me is that the feeling of being alone in the relationship is completely absent with this woman.  I feel connected to her and she does to me, and we always feel cared for. 

I've tried to figure out what the difference is, aside from the fact that this woman is not constantly criticizing me.

I think it's the modest empathic gestures that she regularly makes.  She smiles at me when she sees me, she says please and thank you, she hugs me without me asking for it, she wants to spend time with me.  The petty things that my ex wife endlessly made the subject of some controversy do not even register to this woman.  She is someone who wants to be happy, likes her life and likes who she is.  On the rare occasions that I am troubled by something, she easily rubs me on the back and says something like "It'll be alright. We can handle it together."

We throw around the empathy concept a lot, almost to the point that it loses meaning. But when we stop and think about the form it takes -- the empathic "signals" that grease the wheels of human relationships -- do we find that it really does not take that much?  We (my girlfriend and I) say often how effortless our relationship seems, despite the fact that we talk about and contend with real things, like children and ex spouses, kids' schedules, school, college applications, etc. 

So I think that maybe I'm not such a screwed up person, as my ex wife insisted at least quarterly ("weird person," "bad person," "strange person," -- you pick the modifier) for 19 years.  Maybe I really don't need that much.  Maybe none of us really need that much.

I will never forget how, on the day my father died and I came home early from work to break the news to the kids, she opened the front door for me and turned to walk away before she even made eye contact or spoke with me.  She said later that at the time, she was "mad" at me about something, but couldn't remember what.  I think it could not have been that significant if she could not remember.  She always had an excuse for the coldest, most pathological behavior. 

And his angers me.  It angers me because it takes so little -- very little -- to be a connected, decent person who helps family members on the journey through this world. If she had put one quarter the energy into those small gestures that she put into the endless criticism of every last little thing (frequently delivered with a smile, like I was her employee or something), we could have had a good relationship.  Our children would not be spending half the week on their home (my place) and half the week in her apartment.  They never would have had to hear me say the words "Mommy and I have decided to not be married anymore." 

During marriage counseling, I said to her "I don't understand what the problem is.  I have modest emotional needs. I don't know why you can't just love me instead of acting like you can barely tolerate me."  It would have taken so little, and she could not muster even that.

I have to be honest here.  I think that when women are not emotionally healthy have children, it makes them even less emotionally healthy and it weakens their relationship with their husband.  I am not saying that this is true for healthy women.  I think that in healthy women, the birth of children most often has the effect of strengthening the marriage, assuming all things are equal.  But in emotionally unhealthy women who have a personal history like my ex wife, a family is almost too challenging for them it can bring out the worst in them. 

[hopealways]

This is a great post thank you for that. It really doesn't take much but empathy is what they cannot express, it's part of their disorder. That's what makes this so dysfunctional.

[balletomane]

I will never forget how, on the day my father died and I came home early from work to break the news to the kids, she opened the front door for me and turned to walk away before she even made eye contact or spoke with me.  She said later that at the time, she was "mad" at me about something, but couldn't remember what.  I think it could not have been that significant if she could not remember.  She always had an excuse for the coldest, most pathological behavior.

Reading this caused me to flash back to a similar incident with my ex. I had just returned from an overseas visit to my parents. I'd been gone three weeks. I was so looking forward to seeing him and he had said by text that he couldn't wait to see me. He opened the door and turned to walk away before making eye contact, without speaking. His flatmate (my future replacement) was there and I'm pretty sure he was behaving like this for her benefit, to show her that he didn't care about me. When he finally did speak to me, it was to criticise my new haircut: "You look like you were attacked by a barber bear." I was hurt and bewildered. It is sometimes difficult to remember that normal healthy relationships don't work like that and I'm so glad you are rediscovering this through your current relationship.

During marriage counseling, I said to her "I don't understand what the problem is.  I have modest emotional needs. I don't know why you can't just love me instead of acting like you can barely tolerate me."  It would have taken so little, and she could not muster even that. 

For her that would be something huge. Another thing I have had to learn that what seems simple to me is not simple to my ex. His interpersonal and emotional difficulties make even these basic things a challenging thing for him. It hurts us that our partners could not give us what we needed, but that is the way they are and without the insight to recognise their problems and willingness to engage with long-term treatment, they can't change. Accepting this can be upsetting but also pretty liberating - at least it allows us to see that it wasn't because they hated us, it wasn't personal, it's just that they have limits on how they can express emotion and consequently even love. And at least now you are out of that situation and with someone who is able to enter into a reciprocal loving relationship.

[goateeki]

Thanks guys.  My T said to me that for most people who have had to deal with this, the hardest thing is to accept that the behavior has nothing to do with them (the nons).  I think that I am beginning to accept this, but I have come to it in maybe the not usual way -- I have someone in my life now that serves as a kind of benchmark.  That lets me be objective about my ex's behavior.  As I am able to be objective about it, I'm able to appreciate how sick it is.  And I say "sick" without judgment.  There is no emotion in it, other than occasional flashes of anger possibly at my past self and the coldest incidents -- not because I'm now hurt, but because I was at the time and it all seems to have been so unnecessary.