Another dream about uBPD mom and uBPDex

[caughtnreleased]

I have not dreamt about my uBPD ex in a loong long time.  But yesterday I did.  The part of the dream that I remember essentially had my mother talking to me and my uBPD ex and she essentially was denigrating him.  She essentially said that he was a liar a cheater a former drug addict, and that he was worthless.  He sat there and simply accepted the criticism that she gave him, never once defending himself.  I was there, and I don't think I protested either, but felt that what she was saying was unfair, yet it was true. 

The behaviour of my mother in my dream is actually very close to an actual incident that happened in real life and which really affected me.  A couple years ago I moved to a new home.  My mother visited once since I've moved to a new place, and when she came she denigrated it to such an extent, that when she left I felt so awful about myself, the place I live in and wondered if somehow I lived in a disgusting place and none of my friends were true enough to tell me (my mother actually said this), and that I was delusional about where I lived.  Since then, numerous things have happened to completely disprove what my mother has said. Does anyone have any insights I can take from this?

[eeks]

Something I have read is that characters in dreams, even if they are people you know in real life, often represent parts of yourself.

One technique I have found particularly illuminating is, when remembering the dream afterwards, pretend you are the other character.  In this case, be your mom, or your ex, and ask "why am I here?  what do I represent?"  

I find it interesting that your mother, who in real life criticized you in a way that sounds really unfair, and were proven untrue, in the dream is saying things to your ex that you thought were also unfair (was it that she kept on going while he did not defend himself?) but in this case, true.

Was she maybe a sort of stand-in in your dreams for the things you want to say about your ex but feel you can't?

[SGraham]

I agree with eeks about dream figures being parts of our selves. Actually rather i think its more like they exists to reflect how we think they should behave, leastwise that is how my dreams pan out.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi thank you both. That's an interesting analogy.  I have thought about that, and about the similarities I have with my mother.  I can sometimes be critical of people, sometimes unfairly and even overly harsh with them.  At least in the past I have known myself to be like that with people when I want to distance myself from them, or if someone I am close too does not behave according to my expectations of them.  As far as my BPDex being in the picture, it's hard for me to see what part of me he represents... .perhaps the one who believes and accepts unfair and overly harsh criticism?  Indeed, I have been in emotionally abusive relationships where I was very unfairly criticized and while I opposed the criticism, I accepted it deep down because I believed it, because it echoed criticisms that my mother had made of me.  

In reality, while my BPDex had a lot of flaws, I think I may initially have judged him a bit too harshly (he told me he had BPD and I wasn't prepared for that information). In fact he told me many things for which I was not prepared.

So in the end perhaps that relationship of being attacked and accepting the abuse which is what my dream is about, is a reflection of past relationships, with my mother, with one of my ex boyfriends, maybe with friends.  I have played both roles, but more often have unconsciously played the role of the person receiving the criticism, accepting it and feeling ashamed.  Thank you very much for your insights.