know i need to leave but can't

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all! I'm married to a man with undiagnosed BPD/NPD.  We have been together for over 30 years.  Things started going south with us about 8 years ago.  For many years I had no idea what was wrong and was just waiting for him to return to "normal"  Doing everything I could to caretake him and not myself.  He was able to justify all his rages on me as my lack of understanding and consideration of him, successfully throwing all the blame right into my lap, and I dutifully accepted and bent over backwards to do everything I could to fix my mistakes.  I have been seeing a therapist for about 2 years now, and while I had accepted that he was verbally abusive I still felt I could "fix" things.  A little over a year ago my T mentioned a possibility of him having bipolar disorder and through research I found BPD.  When I came back to her with this information she was very apologetic in that she hadn't realized it herself, felt that it was mostly women. 

I have done much research and have made a lot of progress (somewhat). I no longer hold onto the notion that he will change and things can be as they were, way too much damage has been done. 

About 3 months ago we got into an argument and I stood my ground on his despicable behavior.  It of course became a 3 day event, with me being "quarantined" for hours, with him trying to spin his web.  I tried at that point to say I wanted a separation, but I believe he sensed it and the web became a tornado and I didn't know which way was up.  I found my footing about a month ago, when another argument was started.  And I said I was sick of the fighting, didn't know what I wanted with the marriage anymore and felt that maybe we should separate.  He was floored and tried in his many ways to threaten me, tried to get me to backtrack, and I stood my ground ... .for awhile.  He got to me though, and effectively scared me into realizing I didn't have my ducks in a row and I just said I was done with the fighting. 

He was good for a few days, but things are back to the way they were.  He is demanding affection from me, and I am subjected to being intimate with him.  This is a huge part of the problem, I have no interest in being intimate with a man that degrades me all the time, and he wants it basically 24/7 (he watches porn all the time, although he thinks I don't know) 

I want to leave so badly, but I get caught in trying to explain to him why.  I need help with getting over my fear of HIM.  I know I will be much happier and our 3 kids will be as well (they have all in their own ways let me know that they are sick of the situation, I know that I have their support).

My biggest fears are financially, I am a SAHM.  And more than anything the effect this will have on my youngest son who is 6.  (Other 2 are 19 and 16) I have no doubt that husband will do everything to alienate me from him.

Any advice is truly appreciated

[nolongerinoz]

Hello all! I'm married to a man with undiagnosed BPD/NPD.  We have been together for over 30 years.  Things started going south with us about 8 years ago.  For many years I had no idea what was wrong and was just waiting for him to return to "normal"  Doing everything I could to caretake him and not myself.  He was able to justify all his rages on me as my lack of understanding and consideration of him, successfully throwing all the blame right into my lap, and I dutifully accepted and bent over backwards to do everything I could to fix my mistakes.  I have been seeing a therapist for about 2 years now, and while I had accepted that he was verbally abusive I still felt I could "fix" things.  A little over a year ago my T mentioned a possibility of him having bipolar disorder and through research I found BPD.  When I came back to her with this information she was very apologetic in that she hadn't realized it herself, felt that it was mostly women. 

I have done much research and have made a lot of progress (somewhat). I no longer hold onto the notion that he will change and things can be as they were, way too much damage has been done. 

About 3 months ago we got into an argument and I stood my ground on his despicable behavior.  It of course became a 3 day event, with me being "quarantined" for hours, with him trying to spin his web.  I tried at that point to say I wanted a separation, but I believe he sensed it and the web became a tornado and I didn't know which way was up.  I found my footing about a month ago, when another argument was started.  And I said I was sick of the fighting, didn't know what I wanted with the marriage anymore and felt that maybe we should separate.  He was floored and tried in his many ways to threaten me, tried to get me to backtrack, and I stood my ground ... .for awhile.  He got to me though, and effectively scared me into realizing I didn't have my ducks in a row and I just said I was done with the fighting. 

He was good for a few days, but things are back to the way they were.  He is demanding affection from me, and I am subjected to being intimate with him.  This is a huge part of the problem, I have no interest in being intimate with a man that degrades me all the time, and he wants it basically 24/7 (he watches porn all the time, although he thinks I don't know) 

I want to leave so badly, but I get caught in trying to explain to him why.  I need help with getting over my fear of HIM.  I know I will be much happier and our 3 kids will be as well (they have all in their own ways let me know that they are sick of the situation, I know that I have their support).

My biggest fears are financially, I am a SAHM.  And more than anything the effect this will have on my youngest son who is 6.  (Other 2 are 19 and 16) I have no doubt that husband will do everything to alienate me from him.

Any advice is truly appreciated

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LilMe]

Many of us here are in similar situations. It sucks. There are Lessons on the right side of this page. They can really help you deal with a disordered person. It takes reading them multiple times and lots of practice to internalize them and learn to use the tools they teach. Take some time to check out the Lessons as well as the other information found on the website and it will help you to make things better!

[Dutched]

Sorry to hear! Your story has a lot of similarities to mine. Also 30+ yrs and (back then) getting worse for yrs. (since exw went into her Forties) outburst (and yes justifying them!) up to every 3 to 5 months. Me seeing a therapist, joining a local group for family members, educating myself and applying techniques...

Matters became ‘normal’ again for a bout 2 yrs. before the end.

I am in no position you give you an advice about staying or leaving. Your circumstances are of course unique too! A lot can be learned (but you already did so) in reading about behaviour and techniques on this Board.

I wanted us and therefore my family to succeed (in the end, exw pulled the plug in an uncontrollable outburst) as it was the most precious I had. Realising however that I didn’t cause it, couldn’t control it and couldn’t  fix her  (exw also deliberately refused treatment for ‘that’ behaviour). As said, that ‘normalised’ the family dynamics in a way. I knew it would remain push and pull, but it didn’t cause that much emotional upheaval for me any more. I concentrated on the positive (sometimes small) things that made it worthwhile.

If or when you decide to divorce, indeed take precautions! Kids will be punished.

Choosing your side; they end up as middle person, as he will punish you, effectively punish the kids! (experienced it! As example, xw didn’t attend to my sons graduation TWICE, hurting him… punishing me…  get it?).  I once had a daughter… yes, once.  Alienated because of.

Divorcing from pwBPD/NPD, will be a very bumpy road, so prepare (in case of) documents (insurances, mortgage, etc., start to document events/outbursts etc.

Again, not to encourage you to leave, but to protect.

 

I really hope you find a way to protect yourself in an emotional way (keep in contact with your family, social circle!). It is a bumpy road, but after more than 3 decades, the other one is bumpy too (no family gatherings as they used to be… financial security… not to mention YOUR recovery after so many yrs… (that is for us, non’s, a long road).