Codependency Thread I Hope

[Eye438]

I feel a strong need to engage with people that are having trouble working thru codependency issues. I can know where the problems lie but reworking what has been in place since childhood is daunting. I am no longer trying to be a psychologist as I did with my BPD ex. I need to work thru the issue of being a caregiver/rescuer and beating myself up for not taking care of me. It's going to be a long recovery process but I could do without the heaviness of it all.

Suffering is the hardest part when learning a big life lesson.   

[Mutt]

Hi Eye438,

Thanks for starting this topic of discussion. I share similar feelings and struggle with co-dependency.

It took all of my energy with grieving the loss of the relationship, seeing a P and a T and fighting in court for custody of my kids, and I thought I didn't want to stretch myself thin with working on my codependency issues. It's behaviors and issues that I want to work on and I have been digging through some stuff lately with my own behaviors and co-dependency.

I found taking care of myself was difficult at first. I didn't really comprehend what self care was, I was always pre-occupied and busy with taking care of others peoples needs first and neglecting my own needs. I had to think real hard when another member said "what do you do for self-care?" and I couldn't give a response.

[Eye438]

I guess the hard question for me is what role did I play in the BPD relationship. This was and is very frightening. I have a T and a P but I get more out of self examination and really working on myself. I know I am very cautious right now and have put some boundaries in place, I am hyper aware of people's energies. I guess I am an empath, meaning highly intuitive and overly sensitive to a persons energy. This is good and bad, because of strong sensitivities and intuition.

Just knowing what I need to work on is half the battle, engaging here is helpful and just reading thru old threads is very helpful.

[Mutt]

Hi Eye538,

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, my father is narcissistic, I was the family scapegoat and I am empathic and not an empath. A lot of negative feelings and blame from my family was projected on me.  The terms "empathic" and "empath" seem to be interchangeable but they are different things.

I'm introspective, self-aware and like you a lot of the self repair was done with self reflection. There's a lot of information here on the site and a lot of my recovery was done by reading articles, posts and sharing with fellow members.

What do you feel that's frightening in the role that you played with a sufferer of BPD?

[Eye438]

The hard part is realizing I was unhealthy as well and all along looking at the BPD ex as a person I was rescuing, no one can do that I now realize it, and tough to swallow but I am moving forward. The main thing I have Always done is having a new person in place after a break up. Not this time and it's a first I am living alone with my 2 dogs. I have always feared being alone and am alone, although right now it is rough at certain times of the day, I am getting a little better each day. I convince myself I need to be alone.

[eeks]

I feel a strong need to engage with people that are having trouble working thru codependency issues. I can know where the problems lie but reworking what has been in place since childhood is daunting. I am no longer trying to be a psychologist as I did with my BPD ex.

Which codependency traits and behaviours do you feel are the biggest challenge for you?  I never identified with the classic "caretaker" description but I have been learning more and more that I take too much responsibility for other people's feelings.  For instance my mother insisted I handle conflict the same way she did which is by avoiding it.  I don't completely avoid it, but it makes me anxious (I fear it's my fault when it happens), and I also have issues around feeling guilty about complaining.

I relate to the idea of "not having been allowed to be a separate person" in my family of origin.  Separate feelings, and separate interests and needs from other family members during conflict and stressful situations.  

I need to work thru the issue of being a caregiver/rescuer and beating myself up for not taking care of me. It's going to be a long recovery process but I could do without the heaviness of it all.

I know this may be difficult to grasp, but nobody gives up their own feelings, needs and negotiating powers in relationships unless they don't feel they have any other choice.  Even being codependent is, if you think about it, a form of self-care, because taking care of (or compensating for) their parents is a way for a child to ensure that their needs get met in a dysfunctional family.  You were caring for yourself the best you knew how.

So you may see that there are patterns that are not serving you and that you wish to change, but there's no need to "beat yourself up" for not having taken care of yourself.  You weren't aware of the pattern before, so how could you have changed it?  

[SGraham]

I think i have codependancy issues as a result of my parents crappy relationship. I've had to make a conscious effort to pinpoit how these lingering issues have effected my in order to combat them. 

[Eye438]

I feel a strong need to engage with people that are having trouble working thru codependency issues. I can know where the problems lie but reworking what has been in place since childhood is daunting. I am no longer trying to be a psychologist as I did with my BPD ex.

Which codependency traits and behaviours do you feel are the biggest challenge for you?  I never identified with the classic "caretaker" description but I have been learning more and more that I take too much responsibility for other people's feelings.  For instance my mother insisted I handle conflict the same way she did which is by avoiding it.  I don't completely avoid it, but it makes me anxious (I fear it's my fault when it happens), and I also have issues around feeling guilty about complaining.

I relate to the idea of "not having been allowed to be a separate person" in my family of origin.  Separate feelings, and separate interests and needs from other family members during conflict and stressful situations.  

I need to work thru the issue of being a caregiver/rescuer and beating myself up for not taking care of me. It's going to be a long recovery process but I could do without the heaviness of it all.

I know this may be difficult to grasp, but nobody gives up their own feelings, needs and negotiating powers in relationships unless they don't feel they have any other choice.  Even being codependent is, if you think about it, a form of self-care, because taking care of (or compensating for) their parents is a way for a child to ensure that their needs get met in a dysfunctional family.  You were caring for yourself the best you knew how.

So you may see that there are patterns that are not serving you and that you wish to change, but there's no need to "beat yourself up" for not having taken care of yourself.  You weren't aware of the pattern before, so how could you have changed it?  


yes very true and valid, I know time heals and I find myself wanting to bust through this painful period quickly, I have never been one for patience when trying to move forward, I get anxiety when I know I have to work on myself because it takes time to heal. The feeling of having a cast on my leg for a whole summer would compare,to this, anything that slows my life down, I am a very active person I guess and really tired from helping others, I need a long rest.

[eeks]

yes very true and valid, I know time heals and I find myself wanting to bust through this painful period quickly, I have never been one for patience when trying to move forward, I get anxiety when I know I have to work on myself because it takes time to heal. The feeling of having a cast on my leg for a whole summer would compare,to this, anything that slows my life down, I am a very active person I guess and really tired from helping others, I need a long rest.

Hmm, it sounds like there are conflicting needs here.  You don't feel patient, you don't want your life slowed down, you want to get moving forward.  But you're tired from helping others and need a long rest... .so you are saying you need to slow down?

Can you tune in inside yourself and figure out what it is you really need most right now?

[Mutt]

Hi Eye438,

You broke up in July? Things may be emotionally raw.

I understand feeling down after a break-up and the anxiety and stress with wanting to recover quickly.

What do you mean you're tired from helping others?

[AnnaBlue917]

Hi Eye 438!

I am CODEPENDENT and I am fully aware of why!

I am a rescuer, a enabler, a caretaker, a protector and a defender! I am all of them and probably more! My EXBPDG and I are FRESH out of the relationship which went from partners almost a month ago to FRIENDS! We had been together for 2.5 years. Thank GOD it wasn't longer because I am certain I would be on some heavy duty medications or committed somewhere by now!

My problem is that I FELT SORRY FOR HER from the start. Here I was this Lesbian who fell for this woman and I am also a mother and just couldn't imagine HOW IN THE WORLD ANOTHER MOTHER COULD HAVE A CHILD IN THIS WORLD AND NOT CARE?

As I look back over the past 2.5 years It is possible that her mother suffered with BPD from what she described of her family. The only reason I know that some of that description is accurate is because she trusted me enough to read through some of her inpatient records from when she was in the hospital at the age of 14. She is now 34.

I saw her vacillate back and forth from a WOMAN to a CHILD right before my eyes. I DENIED what I was seeing at first. My BODY ALWAYS MAKES ME AWARE of the TRUTH no matter how painful it is! The problem with ME is I DON"T ALWAYS LISTEN!

I like you want to just GET THROUGH IT WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF PAIN POSSIBLE! IS THERE SOME SORT OF PAIN MEDICATION WE CAN TAKE WHILE TROTTING THIS JOURNEY?  I can ONLY WISH!

You DO NEED TO TAKE EXTRA CARE OF YOURSELF! I have been speaking to my OWN INNER-CHILD for I know this is where I became CO-DEPENDENT. I have been trying to reassure her that I am here and will NOT ABANDON HER during this time of GRIEF and LOSS. I am trying to  FIND WAYS TO REMAIN BUSY!

It's NOT EASY for I FIND MYSELF RIDING PAST HER APARTMENT BUILDING. I haven't stopped or tried to see her but I did text her and that ended NOT SO GOOD once again!  SOMETIMES I AM SO SICK OF MYSELF and JUST WANT THE PAIN OF THIS TO JUST BE OVER! WE BOTH KNOW THAT it's JUST NOT THE WAY IT WORKS!

HANG IN THERE and BE GRATEFUL that there is such a place as this for US ALL TO COME AND VENT AND EXCHANGE IDEAS and INFORMATION! I was about to CHECK myself into a HOSPITAL at one point and then I came across this site!  THANK GOD FOR MY SPIRIT GUIDES!

[Eye438]

Thanks for posting, we know we are rescuers don't we? It's damn hard to break it but I feel being aware of it is very good thing. Getting out of the intense enmeshed relationship is like breaking an addiction. It's been over 2 months and thanks to this site each day gets a little better. I have had some severe mood swings and those are calming down thankfully. I was very frightened about the mood swings never had them before,. We have to be kind to ourselves and I am learning that. It's getting easier to be alone and just be with myself, it seems like I left myself 5 years ago when I met and pursued her. Yikes! I went thru it just to have her in my life and now of course, I say, what was I thinking!

[Eye438]

Hi Eye438,

You broke up in July? Things may be emotionally raw.

I understand feeling down after a break-up and the anxiety and stress with wanting to recover quickly.

What do you mean you're tired from helping others?

my mother was BPD and every relationship I have been in has put me in rescue or care taking role. I lived with an angry alcoholic for 16 years and thought I had myself figured out thru Alonon but I continued into another bad relationship that was way over my head. I keep telling myself I am not a savior, I don't think I will be engaged with anyone for a long time. Thanks for reply

[eeks]

my mother was BPD and every relationship I have been in has put me in rescue or care taking role. I lived with an angry alcoholic for 16 years and thought I had myself figured out thru Alonon but I continued into another bad relationship that was way over my head. I keep telling myself I am not a savior, I don't think I will be engaged with anyone for a long time. Thanks for reply

One of my challenges in my own personal healing process has been differentiating my fear from my mother's fear.  She was sexually abused as a child by a family friend, and her father was likely NPD or traits (he was "perfect", "always right", she was not allowed to talk back or express disagreement in any way or complain about anything.)

She learned to "protect herself' in various ways including holding in, holding back all her energy, avoiding/trying to pre-empt conflict.  She basically forced me to "protect myself" in the same way, because she thought "this is how the world is, this is how people are" so she had to teach me to do the same thing she did.  I didn't go through her traumas, but because she influenced me so strongly to defend myself against life the way she did, I might as well have gone through the traumas.

I see inside myself the capacity to feel joy, radiance, spontaneity that... .well, it sounds good, don't you think?  Sounds like something that other people would enjoy being around?  Well,, for me, that joy/radiance/spontaneity brings up the most brutal, brutal anxiety and fear, that someone's going to shame or emotionally attack me!

So whenever I feel that spontaneous energy, I have this very strong internalized parent that pops up and wants to protect me from doing anything "dangerous".

So like I said, part of my challenge is discerning whether it's my fear or my mother's fear that I internalized.

How can you begin to question your, as you put it, "rescuer" role?  Is there anything in your past relationship with your mother that you think might benefit you to examine, to separate out "her feelings" from "your feelings"? 

Do you feel that you rescued others to try to "earn" love for yourself?  It sounds like you're asking some real questions now, you say you "cannot be anyone's saviour", which is true.  I'm wondering what your next steps are in terms of moving towards healthy interdependence with others?

To become responsive to others, but not responsible for them?

[Eye438]

my mother was BPD and every relationship I have been in has put me in rescue or care taking role. I lived with an angry alcoholic for 16 years and thought I had myself figured out thru Alonon but I continued into another bad relationship that was way over my head. I keep telling myself I am not a savior, I don't think I will be engaged with anyone for a long time. Thanks for reply

One of my challenges in my own personal healing process has been differentiating my fear from my mother's fear.  She was sexually abused as a child by a family friend, and her father was likely NPD or traits (he was "perfect", "always right", she was not allowed to talk back or express disagreement in any way or complain about anything.)

She learned to "protect herself' in various ways including holding in, holding back all her energy, avoiding/trying to pre-empt conflict.  She basically forced me to "protect myself" in the same way, because she thought "this is how the world is, this is how people are" so she had to teach me to do the same thing she did.  I didn't go through her traumas, but because she influenced me so strongly to defend myself against life the way she did, I might as well have gone through the traumas.

I see inside myself the capacity to feel joy, radiance, spontaneity that... .well, it sounds good, don't you think?  Sounds like something that other people would enjoy being around?  Well,, for me, that joy/radiance/spontaneity brings up the most brutal, brutal anxiety and fear, that someone's going to shame or emotionally attack me!

So whenever I feel that spontaneous energy, I have this very strong internalized parent that pops up and wants to protect me from doing anything "dangerous".

So like I said, part of my challenge is discerning whether it's my fear or my mother's fear that I internalized.

How can you begin to question your, as you put it, "rescuer" role?  Is there anything in your past relationship with your mother that you think might benefit you to examine, to separate out "her feelings" from "your feelings"? 

Do you feel that you rescued others to try to "earn" love for yourself?  It sounds like you're asking some real questions now, you say you "cannot be anyone's saviour", which is true.  I'm wondering what your next steps are in terms of moving towards healthy interdependence with others?

To become responsive to others, but not responsible for them?

i have always known since a child that helping others brought people happiness and of course brought me validation and some semblance of love. Not consciously of course but now in retrospect I see it all that I have gone thru and never meeting the "one" but it's ok. I have a few close friends and that is enough for me, life is good, I have much to be grateful for.

[Eye438]

my mother was BPD and every relationship I have been in has put me in rescue or care taking role. I lived with an angry alcoholic for 16 years and thought I had myself figured out thru Alonon but I continued into another bad relationship that was way over my head. I keep telling myself I am not a savior, I don't think I will be engaged with anyone for a long time. Thanks for reply

One of my challenges in my own personal healing process has been differentiating my fear from my mother's fear.  She was sexually abused as a child by a family friend, and her father was likely NPD or traits (he was "perfect", "always right", she was not allowed to talk back or express disagreement in any way or complain about anything.)

She learned to "protect herself' in various ways including holding in, holding back all her energy, avoiding/trying to pre-empt conflict.  She basically forced me to "protect myself" in the same way, because she thought "this is how the world is, this is how people are" so she had to teach me to do the same thing she did.  I didn't go through her traumas, but because she influenced me so strongly to defend myself against life the way she did, I might as well have gone through the traumas.

I see inside myself the capacity to feel joy, radiance, spontaneity that... .well, it sounds good, don't you think?  Sounds like something that other people would enjoy being around?  Well,, for me, that joy/radiance/spontaneity brings up the most brutal, brutal anxiety and fear, that someone's going to shame or emotionally attack me!

So whenever I feel that spontaneous energy, I have this very strong internalized parent that pops up and wants to protect me from doing anything "dangerous".

So like I said, part of my challenge is discerning whether it's my fear or my mother's fear that I internalized.

How can you begin to question your, as you put it, "rescuer" role?  Is there anything in your past relationship with your mother that you think might benefit you to examine, to separate out "her feelings" from "your feelings"? 

Do you feel that you rescued others to try to "earn" love for yourself?  It sounds like you're asking some real questions now, you say you "cannot be anyone's saviour", which is true.  I'm wondering what your next steps are in terms of moving towards healthy interdependence with others?

To become responsive to others, but not responsible for them?

i have always known since a child that helping others brought people happiness and of course brought me validation and some semblance of love. Not consciously of course but now in retrospect I see it all that I have gone thru and never meeting the "one" but it's ok. I have a few close friends and that is enough for me, life is good, I have much to be grateful for.

Eeksi I just reread your comment and have been busy but wanting to express my progress with first accepting and really dealing with codependency head on. I have been making some boundaries and beginning to feel better about me. I have a long way to go. My self awareness is on high alert and do have a situation that has arisen since my breakup with BPDX. I am beginning to feel like a magnetic field for attracting needy people. An old high school friend is suddenly contact ing me and wanting to visit suddenly, this person knows nothing about my life. She needs someone to talk to and sounds desperate. My first test is here already, do I want this person in my life? How do I correctly say no in a nice way? My past self would have been yesssss come here as fast as you can I will save you. I am no longer feeling like I am Jesus or mother Teresa.

I am grateful for my progress

[eeks]

Eeksi I just reread your comment and have been busy but wanting to express my progress with first accepting and really dealing with codependency head on. I have been making some boundaries and beginning to feel better about me. I have a long way to go. My self awareness is on high alert and do have a situation that has arisen since my breakup with BPDX. I am beginning to feel like a magnetic field for attracting needy people. An old high school friend is suddenly contact ing me and wanting to visit suddenly, this person knows nothing about my life. She needs someone to talk to and sounds desperate. My first test is here already, do I want this person in my life? How do I correctly say no in a nice way? My past self would have been yesssss come here as fast as you can I will save you. I am no longer feeling like I am Jesus or mother Teresa.

I am grateful for my progress

That sounds like good news.  You are having an awareness of "heading down the same road", of your pattern of having an impulse to "save people".  Something is kicking in, an awareness that you are about to enter a pattern that is habitual and reflexive for you.  Instead, you are asking yourself new and productive questions like ":)o I want this person in my life?  How do I correctly say no in a nice way?"

Something I would add to your last point, saying no is not about "doing it correctly" or "being nice", in my opinion, but doing it in a way that honours both your needs and the other person's.  What I said before, being responsive to others, but not responsible for them.

Maybe you've already responded to her, but I'm wondering how it would feel for you to think about saying (in your own words) "Wow, this is a surprise to hear from you when it's been so long, and I'm glad to reconnect.  I'm curious, what brought this about?  What made you think of me?"  (and see how she answers... .)

[Eye438]

Hi Eye438,

You broke up in July? Things may be emotionally raw.

I understand feeling down after a break-up and the anxiety and stress with wanting to recover quickly.

What do you mean you're tired from helping others?

I have spent a lifetime of emotionally helping others, in all my relationships since I can remember leaving myself in the dust without even realizing what I was doing. Now I am aware and taking steps to be kind to myself and setting Boundaries. I am finding it easy to set boundaries now, the most important thing for me is being aware of the problem and working on resolving this very big issue.