Drawing to a Close

[half-life]

After a year long separation, it looks like our 15 years marriage is drawing to a close. She do not want to give up. "We have argued a lot less last year", responding to her question about how I see us this past year, "but it is mostly because we were living apart and stop playing the role of couple". She talk about the effort she has made to control her emotion and to become a more well adjusted person. By my heart was long dead. I do not have any more resources left to put into our relationship. I haven't have the courage to push for a divorce. I am still afraid of how she would react. But this has become clear that there is no future between us. She told me how much I have hurt her. I feel sorry I cannot do anything better. The same pain when we first broke up come back once again.

Both of us agree our kids' well being are the most important and we make our best effort for them. We were well in sync last year in child raising and spent a fair amount of time together, often bear a semblance of family in front of others. Only if you look closer, you will find there is little interaction between us. She stick to her phone most of the time. I would try to find things to fill the dead air.

While her routine rage and unpredictable emotion is becoming distant, I am no where near the end of tunnel. I have never anticipated the disintegration of relationship with my older son. I have naively expect to play the role of a good and nurturing father, to coach him to tackle all the challenges and to maintain a healthy father and son relationship free from his self defeating mom. It has all fall flat on the face when he has turned rebellious and disrespectful to me. I can't tell how much of this is due to our separation and how much is due to his own character, his headstrong behavior can be seen when he is still younger. Only back then we have some frustration but a lot of fun. Now we have lots of infuriation and only a little fun.

I remain inapt in my social life. Some friends have given support but we are all scattered. There is really no close friend available I can confide to.

One day, I fancy I will find my soul mate and afford the love and kindness. By then all the pain and sorrow will be left behind.

[enlighten me]

Hi Half life

Its a sad realisation but I understand completely you when you say you no longer had the resources to put into the relationship. I felt this way with my exgf. 

In situations like this children are caught in the middle. They sometimes feel they have to take sides. They sometimes blame themselves. Its a very confusing time for them.

I tried to be consistent with mine. Never made promises I didn't keep. Didn't buy their love and kept to my rules.

I had a few incidents but everything worked out with them

[Caley]

Hello Half Life,

I too, along with enlighten me have felt at a low ebb with the feeling that I no longer had any more resources to deal with a conflictual relationship. Or the answers, as to how to get to a place of peaceful co-existence, where daily problems and bigger life obstacles are approached in a way that promotes a win-win for all concerned ... and a happier experience of life together as a couple and as a family. Most people do not set out with bad intentions ... I say most because the reality is that some do ... and it is emotionally painful when things go awry. Regardless of what people say ... the higher the conflict ... the higher the value.

It was important to me, when I took the decision to let my marriage go completely, to be clear to our children that it was not their fault. That, in fact, it was no-one's 'fault'. I explained that sometimes as adults, even between two people who still love each other, there are times when personal differences, ideas and beliefs are not shared by two people. Sometimes they can agree to disagree and sometimes neither finds that possible ... and sometimes that can be a bone of contention that ultimately, but not always, leads to a break down of a relationship. When that happens ... two people may decide together ... that to create a more peaceful environment, which is the healthy thing to try to do and a healthy decision to make (which is often the most difficult path to take) would be to accept the possibility that life, for all concerned, would be a much happier one if they decided not to be 'together' anymore (or at least, for an extended period of time).

I explained that things would be different and it would be a little painful in the beginning ... but when they saw that their Mummy & Daddy were happier being apart and living separate lives ... that things would return to being a lot more fun again.

This is only a suggestion because you should follow your own values ... but ... you could say to your son, that if he chooses to take sides ... then you would prefer it if he chose his Mother's side because she is going to need his support through some painful times ahead. This will teach him, through the compassion you are showing towards his Mother, that you are a compassionate man ... and he will take that with him through the rest of his life.

You are quite right and it is good that you feel that your wife and you are on the same side when you've both considered that the children's well-being is critical ... sometimes when the focus of attention is put on others ... especially the beautiful children you are both responsible for ... and are subtly teaching through your behaviour towards each other ...   it can even bring about a reconciliation.  Again, though, not always and not often.

This is going to sound a little bit out of the ball park and might raise a few eye-brows and titters ... but I'd like you to contemplate what I am about to say. It may go in ... it may not. It may float about for a while ... but eventually it will find a landing spot in your heart. Why? Because truth is irrefutable.

YOU are your soul mate ... the most important relationship you will ever form, own and have the power to 'control' is the relationship you have with yourself ... you might fall out with yourself frequently ... there'll be arguments and self criticism ... and sometimes you might even hate yourself ... but, you will never, ever be able to divorce yourself ... all you can really ever do is learn to accept yourself, work with yourself and improve the ideas you have about yourself until you become unshakeably secure within yourself.

I wish you, your wife and your precious children the very best my friend ... and I hope you are able to find peace again.

[enlighten me]

Hi Caley

I agree with your final comment. I realised that if I wasn't able to be happy on my own then how could I be happy in a relationship. If you feel that you need a relationship to make you complete then its worth looking at what it is that's missing. What is it that a partner provides that you cant? Some may say love but surely you can learn to love yourself. Some say security so why cant you feel secure on your own? By resolving these issues you become more complete and surely being a whole person going into future relationship you will have less problems.

[Caley]

Hello Enlighten me,

Thank you for sharing. I'm mindful that this is Half-Life's thread and it wouldn't be appropriate to hijack it with philosophical introspection. However, in reality there is nothing missing ... it's all there ... but it does seem like you have to 'find' missing pieces of yourself to feel whole. And yes ... that mind set does eventually reveal itself to be a trap to self understanding ... in trying to better like and understand ourselves, we believe ... in order to feel 'whole' ... we 'need' another to 'feel' complete. It just is not so ... but to impose this idea can also sometimes give rise to egoic confrontation with the differences in which we all perceive things. We are all learning ... it never stops ... thankfully ... !

Best wishes again ... to you & Half-Life.

Perhaps it would be more appropriate to start another thread.

[half-life]

Good point about loving myself. That's absolutely true. I should not even be thinking about another relationship until I can be at peace with myself.

Actually I am a loner much of my life. When I was young I moved to another country and travel around the world all by myself. I was free and enjoyed it. Now I settled in a place I like, have a good job and a house. When I return home from work in cold dark night, it is like going back to what I was doing 20 years ago. But instead of the sense freedom, I am just worn and things just do not excite me anymore.

I believe gradually I am capable to nourish and heal myself. I am predisposed in this way, in great contrast to my wife who is unrelentingly harsh to herself. It is just that I cannot to content just by myself. Even when I was traveling the world solo, the best moments are always those involves social interaction with others. Right now a little kindness from other is going to mean so much to me.

[Michelle27]

I can totally relate.  I felt that things were dead for me for more than a year before I finally realized it.  I kept clinging to hope that things would get better, including a 3 month "therapeutic separation".  I finally realized that what I was hoping would change would never change inside me... .I couldn't trust him or trust that I would never stop walking on eggshells.  He was seeking treatment for the past year, but sure enough, as soon as I said I couldn't do it, he quit.  That confirmed that he wasn't doing it for him, but for me to stay and that's no good for anyone.