My friend says I must be giving him mixed messages...

[Lifewriter16]

I mentioned in another thread, that shortly after my BPDxbf and I split up for the 7th (and final?) time, I bumped into an old flame.

My emotions are shot. Just as I am managing to move on from my BPDxbf, I bumped into an old flame. It wasn't a healthy relationship by any stretch of the imagination, but I am feeling quite vulnerable recently. I spent an hour on the phone last night telling him why I don't want us to become emotionally involved again to protestations that it's different circumstances now and I'm just not giving it a chance and am thus avoiding intimacy again in what he sees to be my usual push-pull way.

The thing is, I don't want to give it a chance because although he says he loves me, he's also told me on numerous occasions that our relationship is not based upon sex and that he doesn't think of me in 'that way'. That's never stopped him from having sex with me though. He also said he wants to be free to have sex with other women with my express agreement. I told him to 'F*** Off' before (which is what led to our breakup) and I still feel the same way. If he wants other women, he can have them, but he can't have me as well. I feel completely battered by his criticism of me. I feel so weak and feeble. Setting boundaries with people is leaving me feeling absolutely crushed.

Tell me I'm not barmy for rejecting this man, PLEASE... .!

I was seeing this man when I met my BPDxbf. He has proved very difficult to get rid of. For the first three months after our breakup, I saw him once or twice a month and attempted to set boundaries over physical touch so that we could be friends. He paid no attention and carried on trying to hug, kiss and touch me (even going as far as putting his hand down my trousers when we were talking in a pub). After that, he pretty much became a nuisance. I told him on numerous occasions (by text) that it was over. My BPDxbf even told him to leave me alone. That made no difference. He'd disappear for a month or so and then reappear, leaving me in the position of having to tell him it was over, yet again. The whole thing has been very upsetting. Every time he reappears, I feel anxious. Every time I have to tell him it's over, my heart feels like it's breaking. I need to get over him because he's not good for me, but he won't go away and allow me to do that.

Anyway, I hadn't heard from him for 6 months when we bumped into each other a couple of weeks ago. I'd thought it was finally over and he'd finally got the message. We met for coffee, and it was nice to see him. Yet he was all over me, stroking my arm, getting too close, staring at me and basically making me feel really uncomfortable to such an extent that I didn't know where to look. I asked him about the issue of other women and he said he'd have to think about it. To me, any man who has to think about whether or not he still wants to have sexual relationships with other women at the same time as seeing me, isn't the man for me. I want more. So I told him that in the phone call I mentioned in the previous thread. I think I was completely clear that I didn't want a relationship with him and would only consider a friendship if he respected my boundaries on touch and stopped staring at me. Yet, today I received the following text:


"Our connection feels fragile today, yet it was so strong in the park. It feels like it might dissolve at any moment. I restated my affection for you, but for it to be sustained, I need to feel something in return from you. I can't be your fall back for when your other relationship falls apart. I need to believe that you're eager to be with me, rather than just maintaining the link in case things go wrong elsewhere. I think you ought to stop hiding behind the excuse of needing to 'process' things and tell me what's going on. You''ll miss me when I'm gone and the casual blase tone I'm picking up from you will take us to that outcome sooner rather than later. I need some reassurance about what you feel for me. I can't read your mind: I need to hear it out loud."


I'm totally at a loss to understand why he's thinking like this. I thought I told him I wasn't going to get back together with him. I replied:


"I don't want you to sustain your affection for me. It is time to break the connection for ever. After our time in the park I had second thoughts. We are not right for each other. We want different thing in life. Find someone who wants the same kind of relationship you want. I intend to do the same. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are not getting the message. Please hear me."


I am really upset to have to do this. I loved him at one point and still have some feelings for him. But, this man will just chew me up and spit me out and then tell me that if I am hurt it is my fault because I knew how he felt right from the beginning. I've heard him say that before. I can see it coming and I have to protect myself regardless of the residual feelings that I have for him.

I've been cycling through re-iterating my boundaries with this man to try to be his friend, to realising he doesn't pay any attention to what I ask of him, to ending it. He then gives it a break and turns up again a few weeks later for another go. We're going round and round this cycle. I'm not the kind of person to tell anyone to 'F*** Off' or to completely ignore them, but, I feel he has repeatedly been provoking me to do this even though it's breaking my heart.


My questions to you are:

• Is my text above clear?



• Can I assume it's him that's not listening not me who isn't communicating properly?

Thanks for your feedback,

Love Lifewriter

[patientandclear]

What I get from this (maybe because of the limited info that can be gleaned in a board post) is that you want to bring something to a close with him--I take it it's the romantic aspect of the relationship, and not the friendship. Is that right?

Then it gets confusing. Because your tone in your text is that you want to close down the romance because he will chew you up and spit you out; because he told you the romance, for him, was not based on sex; because he wanted to have sex with other women. In other words, you've determined this guy will hurt you. You have romantic feelings for him but you want both of you to take those off the table because it's a bad fit. Is that right?

If so--I strongly identify with this guy here. I never stared at and stroked my ex BPD partner against his will! Not identifying in that way. But I got hugely mixed signals from him about what he wanted from me and the reasons feels similar to those in your story. He'd say, as definitively as you are here, that he wanted the romance to be done. But then he'd act like he wanted nothing more than to intimately bond with me emotionally. This was a connection that, for most people and in normal life, would be coded as "romantic." Yet he was adamant explicitly that he did not want that. He got angry with my discomfort about the de facto ambiguity because he said he'd been clear. His words WERE clear, but his actions cut completely the other way.

Your explanation here about why you are drawing this line with him helps me to understand my ex's reasoning: he'd decided I'd hurt him in some way. So even though he felt a strong and, yes, romantic bond, he was going to rule that out preemptively.

What seems a shame about that and what frustrates me is that that precludes the idea of growth, learning, mutual sharing and understanding, and progress. You both have these feelings. You think it can't work so you're ruling that aspect out--but still want to be close? I think maybe when he says thinks have changed and there are new circumstances, he is pitching "growth, change and understanding," where you both work to resolve the "it can't work" feeling so you can get the full benefit of the bond?

Is it possible he said the romance was not based on sex and he wants to have sex with others because he loves you and is worried you think he only wanted you for sex? I practically said the same thing to my ex. We had a lovely sexual r/ship but I've gathered he felt that was something he had to give me to keep me. So i backed completely off of expressing any physical desire for him and showed him love in other ways. (He's a sex abuse survivor so I believe the feelings of being used for sex are deeply rooted in a reality that has nothing to do with me.)  Is it possible the confusion around sex arose from his desire to protect you and show you other forms of love, and he then tried to come up with some innovative arrangement about him having sex with others that he thought would meet both of your needs?

I practically offered that to my ex. If you don't like it that way, by all means tell him, but maybe you are reading too much into the intrinsic nature of this r/ship from the fact that he suggested this? Maybe he is just trying to figure out how you two can fit together comfortably, and would be open to a different approach that would work for you?

[myself]

I think your text reads very clear. It sounds like he doesn't want to hear what you're saying and has his own agenda, wanting to 'win the game' more than be respectful. He's pushing and you're pulling away even more because of it. You have every right to your personal boundaries, and as you stick with them the better off you'll be, no matter who that concerns. It's changing your own patterns that counts most. Also, if he can't step up and be the kind of friend you need/want/deserve, what chance of a relationship is there?

[rotiroti]

I agree that your text is clear, but I can see how he could think he was getting mixed messages. The transition from romantic to platonic can be blurry, and meeting up for coffee time and time and might be misunderstood imo

[OnceConfused]

From a man's perspective, I think you have given him the WRONG message by inviting him for coffee after a long period of no contact.  He now thinks you want to re-open the r/s again. Of course, he wanted to make a pass at you. His ego is inflated because he thinks he is attractive to you again.

For friendship, I think you should find it in your regular friend, not from someone who had been INTIMATE with you. Once we cross over the threshold of friendship to intimacy, you cannot go back because so much of ourselves (the deepest secrets) are shared.

[patientandclear]

Again, I have a different sense of this. I agree your boundary about touching and romance is clear. What I suspect is the unclear/blurry part is what else you do with him. You say "no" but then, perhaps, have very open-ended, emotionally intimate contact that typically goes with romance, not friendship. THAT is the blurry boundary issue, I'm guessing. If he is telling you you are sending mixed messages, that is where I'd look.

As I said, I feel like I've been in that guy's place, a lot, with my BPDex. Down to your reasons for ruling out romance sounding pre-emptive, because you've concluded how it definitely will go with him without involving him in the convo. (Not "I don't have romantic feelings for him" but "he will chew me up and spit me out."  That of course is your right, as the others here are saying; but what goes along with that is not accessing a degree of emotional closeness with him that goes along with that other kind of r/ship that you are ruling out.

[Chrisbazsky77]

It is time to break the connection forever

If that isn't clear enough, then I'm not sure what is? This statement pretty much covers both romantic and friendship aspects.

Sure you had some history with him, haven't seen him in a while and agreeing to meet for coffee to catch up was not carnal .

The mere fact that he was stroking your arm etc... .suggests that he assumed he could just pick up on something that existed years before-a true gentleman with no hidden agenda will respect your personal space, respect your wishes and be able to comprehend a simple text suggestion.

[balletomane]

For the first three months after our breakup, I saw him once or twice a month and attempted to set boundaries over physical touch so that we could be friends. He paid no attention and carried on trying to hug, kiss and touch me (even going as far as putting his hand down my trousers when we were talking in a pub). After that, he pretty much became a nuisance. I told him on numerous occasions (by text) that it was over. My BPDxbf even told him to leave me alone. That made no difference. He'd disappear for a month or so and then reappear, leaving me in the position of having to tell him it was over, yet again. The whole thing has been very upsetting. Every time he reappears, I feel anxious. Every time I have to tell him it's over, my heart feels like it's breaking. I need to get over him because he's not good for me, but he won't go away and allow me to do that.

For someone to put his hands down your trousers when you've made it clear that you do not want physical touch isn't just him disrespecting boundaries or being a nuisance. That is actually sexual assault. The other stuff is harassment. My first question is what makes you want to be friends with someone who sexually harasses and assaults you. Why are you trying to welcome him into your life in any capacity?

Secondly, there do seem to be a few contradictions in what you're saying here - you write that you want him to go away so that you can get over him, but in the same post you say how nice it was to see him for coffee. Nothing excuses the trouser incident and the other times when he's crossed clearly set physical boundaries - even if you are confused about your intentions towards him, he should never do anything like that - but I can see where he would be getting mixed messages if he starts trying to touch you and stroke you and your response isn't to leave or even to tell him to stop, but just to ask if he's sleeping with other women. That does sound as though you don't mind what he's doing and are happy to consider a relationship if he is prepared to be monogamous.

Finally, if you really want to get over him, you need to take control of that. You've written that he won't allow you to as though all the power is in his hands, but it isn't.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

Thanks for reading and for your posts. I'm really struggling to know how to respond or what to think of this whole situation.

As patientandclear says, I am trying to take the romance off the table because I am as sure as I can possibly be that this man will hurt me, and that's not from fear, that's from experience. I dated him for 9 months. I spent a lot of time crying during that relationship. I was in so much pain. My friends and family all say he wasn't good for me. He would act all adoring when he was with me and then disappear for days on end with no contact at all. I was devastated about some things that he said to me and I don't think I could ever forget them. Consequently, I don't think there could ever be a possibility of trust existing between us. I lost what little confidence I had in myself physically and sexually because he wanted me to make changes to myself to suit him (the right perfume, the sexy underwear even down to discussions about intimate shaving). I felt he simply didn’t love me as I was because he wanted me to be different. Yet, there were times when I was so happy it was completely unbelievable. We’ve both experienced intense contentment with each other. So, I'd go from intensely happy crying over him.

A couple of weeks into our ‘friendship’, he told me he didn't think of me 'in that way'. I was embarrassed but prepared to accept that. A few minutes later he started fondling my leg. He grabbed my ar** on the way home from the ‘date’. I felt like he was playing with me. I didn’t know where I stood. Mixed messages.

Early on in the relationship, he would tell me that he didn't love me. Yet, he said that if I told him I loved him that might help change that. He went on to say that if I didn't tell him I loved him and the relationship fell apart, I'd be to blame. I told him there was no way I was going to tell him I loved him to be met by a stony silence. He eventually did tell me he loved me, but only after I told him I didn't care whether he told me he loved me or not. It was perverse.

Later on he started telling me of his attraction to beautiful cross-gender asian wo/men and how he felt that only if he had the most beautiful woman on his arm could he ever have any self esteem. It made me feel dreadful, because I’m pretty average on the physical attraction stakes.

I had a three really powerful experiences with this man. The first sitting in a cafe with him when I felt such powerful emotions I was overwhelmed. It was as if both my sexuality and capacity for love were re-emerging simultaneously (after many years of being shut down). The second was when I was sitting in a pub with him. I felt we were connected. My sense of being alone in the world went and I had an other-worldly sense of knowing him. The last was sexual, an amazing closeness. Those things draw me in and make it difficult to move on. But the stuff he said to me was awful and he seems to have such a massively powerful effect on me that I just daren't let him get close again. I think it would all be in vain. You see, he says he wants to meet someone who is sexually liberated and who will liberate his own sexuality through her own sexual freedom (and he doesn’t mean me). He says he could see himself continuing with me as usual but seeing her too. I would be absolutely devastated. He says it's all emotional growth, learning to love without attachment, without hope of anything in return. Well, he can take his spirituality and stick it where the sun doesn't shine... .

I'm trying to protect myself from the inevitable, even though I loved him. The mixed messages come because he knows I love him and he wheedles his way round me using his 'intimate voice' and snuggling up and all those kind of tricks. I'm just sitting there and he's wheedling away and I know that if I let him, the feelings could come back. But I don't want them to because I don't want to cry over him anymore. I feel like I had so much and so little at the same time.

If your sister told you this about a man in her life, what would you advise her to do?


Lifewriter

[rotiroti]

If your sister told you this about a man in her life, what would you advise her to do?

My sister? I'd tell her to stay a million miles away !

Wouldn't you want the best for your sister? What if it was your sister? What would you advise her?

[patientandclear]

Oh man Lifewriter -- OK, with the additional background, I'll tell both you and your sister that this dynamic is poisonous to your well-being.  Your instincts not to participate seem completely well founded.

To answer the question you asked on the other thread you quoted, no, you are not being an idiot to reject this lovely offer.

That said, he seems unclear, and to want to make more of your engagement, such as it is, than you are willing for it to be.  Seems like it might be time not to have long talks and coffees, since he reads into those a willingness to consider this arrangement that you do not feel.

Thanks for the additional information.  Now I strongly identify with YOU in this story.  That arrangement--maintaining a close connection with me while he seeks a more compelling relationship with a woman still to be identified--with my exwBPD did me a great deal of harm.  I didn't exactly know that was what was going on for a long time.  When it became clear, I got out, but staying out has been hard because he denies that is what is going on, he does things that suggest that he wants what I want, only to later reveal that no, he still does not ... .very painful stuff.  Since you see it so clearly, I guess you should just make unequivocal through your actions that you are not interested in engaging at all on those terms.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

I sat and had a cry this morning. I have realised that the events with this flame have been triggering unexpressed pain from my first love. He told me that he loved me and that I should never doubt that. And I clung to those words. Yet, he came to me after 7 months together and told me he wanted to see other women. When I said to go ahead, I'd still be there, he made it clear that he was actually breaking up with me. I suspect the next girlfriend was already lined up and waiting. I was devastated, absolutely devastated. I felt suicidal. What I was thinking was this: "If the man who loves me doesn't love me anymore, what hope is there?"

The connections with the present are to do with the desire for other women. With both my old flame and my BPDxbf, I have wanted to run away when their behaviour caused me pain. I have toyed with the idea of being friends instead of lovers. What I realise now is this: I want to be close enough to feel the warmth of love but distant enough to not have to experience the pain that seems to come with love and the pain of love ending. I am trying to avoid ever feeling that dreadful pain again.

It's unrealistic to think that I can have love without any pain, so I will have to take a risk at some point and not run away when it hurts, yet I can take measures to make good rather than bad choices in the risks I take.


My old flame texted me this morning suggesting a rendezvous. I replied as follows:

"No (name). I have no intention of getting close to you again. It hurt too much first time. It is over. Don't contact me again."

He replied:

"I take it the doomed-to-fail romance with Hellboy is back on again? You are a glutton for punishment aren't you? You're a crazy ambivalent messed up bunny but I think I'll always be very fond of you. Henceforth I will desist! If you want to meet up with me again, you will have to do the woo-ing and the seeking out. Till then, take good care of yourself."

Hopefully, that will be the end of it. But, if the last year is anything to go by, it won't be, so I've started to log the contact he makes with me, just in case I need it. It annoys me profusely that he assumes the reason I'm not interested in him is because I've got back with my BPDxbf, which I haven't. He just doesn't want to hear what I have been saying to him. It's obviously more comfortable to find another explanation than listen to what I am saying to him. I agree that I am ambivalent, but I resent the statement that I'm crazy. I'm trying to make a healthy choice rather than just go along with what the other person wants. I was tempted to reply and give him a blasting, but I didn't. Time for no contact.

Love Lifewriter

[patientandclear]

LW: just wanted to drop a note and strongly identify with your pain around the man you love seeking other women. This is the dynamic that has done a lot of damage to me in my BPD r/ship. It activates all kinds of "not good enough" feelings and "will not be chosen" feelings, and it sucks.

I also relate to the piece about how you explained why the dynamic is painful and nothing about the details of what you said registers. That's my current experience with my BPDex. I keep trying to give details about why it doesn't work for me to be so intimate with him emotionally if he is going to seek other women, and his reactions suggest all he is hearing is that I want more than he can give. In reality I've accepted his choice and in our current (? we're not speaking currently) r/ship, it's him who wants more than I can give. But I say the words and he just does not register them. Weird and lonely situation. I've pretty much at NC too because I don't know how to navigate anything if he remembers nothing that I say and nothing that happens with us.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi patientandclear,

It is so frustrating to not be heard. Neither this man nor my BPDxbf heard me. To begin with, I thought it was because I wasn't being clear enough with them or not saying enough. I have gradually said more and more to both of them but realised that it makes no significant positive difference.

In terms of where this dynamic originates for me, neither of my parents listened or heard me and so I have chosen more of what I am used to.

Thanks for checking in. My best wishes to you.

Love Lifewriter x

[OnceConfused]

i think like many of us, detachment for you is difficult. To avoid being again in the situation of confusion ,I think, you should just forget the Xs once you ended the r.s If they try to reach out to you, unless you want to get back , then simply said No, thanks . or simply no answer> after a 2 no responses I am sure the sender gets the message that you are not interested.

Personally, for me after the breakup but the X still meets with me several times a month for coffee, then I will assume that she is still interested in me. From my perspective, you need to be very clear about "when it is over ,it is over, and not well I want to meet with you for a beer or cofee. Essentially, you did not let die, and tried to hang on to the r.s

For me, when I said "good bye to my xBPDgf and let's just be friend." I never looked back nor I try to contact her for any reasons.

[mrwigand]

Life writer, I know you still have strong feelings for this guy despite the fact that he causes you pain. But believe me, you're making the right decision and this is certainly for the best.

This guy sounds neither mature, respectful or caring. He disrespects your boundaries with reckless-borderline illegal-abandon, and look at his last communication when you had to reiterate to him again that you didn't want to reenage the relationship! He blames you and lashes out like a petulant child. Not only that but he demeans, calling you a messed up bunny for having the temerity to not want to be with him. He's pushy and narcissistic, and you can do much better than that.

Hopefully, he gets the message now, and you two shouldn't communicate. Definitely no more coffee meet ups to reexplore the friendship.

Give yourself credit for seeing this would be wrong for you and not making a decision that would only have been painful in the long run.

[Lifewriter16]

Well, not unsurprisingly given his history of boundary busting, this afternoon my old flame sent me an email with a links to a couple of music tracks. He said they "convey the melancholy I feel at not seeing you for a while" and said I should "take care till we can meet again when your mind is unsullied by other distractions." He mentioned my BPDxbf by name as the distraction concerned. I haven't replied. Clearly, this man has not heard a word I've said to him. He'd rather believe that I've gone back to my BPDxbf than accept that I just don't want to know him anymore because I've tried for a year to set boundaries and he's ignored them repeatedly. I feel a little more detached today and a little stronger for that. If anything, the whole episode has made me want to go running back to my BPDxbf rather than my old flame. He seems wonderful in comparison. However, I have resisted the temptation to do that. I know neither of them are good for me. It's when I feel emotional because my core pain is being stirred up that I am vulnerable to such temptation. I've always used relationships in the same way that other people might get pissed. It's been a really destructive pattern. I am determined to stop doing that now.

I've added the email to my log of unwanted contact as this man just keeps on re-appearing. It's time to remove the aggravation he causes me from my life. I want a decent man next.

By the way, a special thanks to the men who have posted. It's been useful to get the male perspective.

Love Lifewriter

[mrwigand]

Well, not unsurprisingly given his history of boundary busting, this afternoon my old flame sent me an email with a links to a couple of music tracks. He said they "convey the melancholy I feel at not seeing you for a while" and said I should "take care till we can meet again when your mind is unsullied by other distractions." He mentioned my BPDxbf by name as the distraction concerned. I haven't replied. Clearly, this man has not heard a word I've said to him. He'd rather believe that I've gone back to my BPDxbf than accept that I just don't want to know him anymore because I've tried for a year to set boundaries and he's ignored them repeatedly. I feel a little more detached today and a little stronger for that. If anything, the whole episode has made me want to go running back to my BPDxbf rather than my old flame. He seems wonderful in comparison. However, I have resisted the temptation to do that. I know neither of them are good for me. It's when I feel emotional because my core pain is being stirred up that I am vulnerable to such temptation. I've always used relationships in the same way that other people might get pissed. It's been a really destructive pattern. I am determined to stop doing that now.

I've added the email to my log of unwanted contact as this man just keeps on re-appearing. It's time to remove the aggravation he causes me from my life. I want a decent man next.

By the way, a special thanks to the men who have posted. It's been useful to get the male perspective.

Love Lifewriter

Ugh... ."... .when your mind is unsullied by other distractions... ."

Talk about condescending! You're right - he still doesn't get it, but luckily for you he's only continually proving how he's probably not a suitable partner. He doesn't respect you and your wishes because he's still trying to contact you! And in his communication he tries to subtly cut you down! Good riddance.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Folks,

Ten days ago, I met my old flame for coffee during a period of neediness. I enjoyed his company. I felt comfortable and content as normal whilst we were in the pub. But, uncomfortable with him once we left the pub. The following day, I got really anxious, remembering why I'd said I wouldn't get back with him and spoke to him on the phone and told him I'd been too unhappy first time around to think we could continue a relationship now. We ended up arguing. I sent him an email saying it was over.

Two days later, he went away to his mother's having not checked his emails. He phoned and texted me over the weekend. I texted him reiterating it wouldn't work. He rang and asked me what the problem was. We talked amicably. I told him about my separation anxiety and how much pain I feel when he disappears for days on end with no contact. He talked of how he could maintain a picture of us meeting again which carries him through the times when we are apart. I said I couldn't do that. It was a good conversation. He asked me what I was wanting from him in terms of text contact and I explained. He said he just wasn't domesticated yet, implying that would change. He said he'd ring on Tuesday.

The following day, I started freaking out again. By Tuesday, when he called, I was pretty wound up so I ignored his call.  But, I sent him another email saying I didn't love him anymore and including an analysis I'd made towards the end of our relationship of what I felt for him. He was always saying I should let him read my journals since I wouldn't talk to him. Now he'll get to see the abridge highlights and it's pretty hard hitting stuff. I sent two more emails this morning explaining why I can't do our relationship (he reminds me of someone who abused me when I was five which repels me, yet he reminds me of my brother whom I was very close to which attracts me leaving me in constant emotional conflict). I doubt he's read them yet. He hasn't responded to them anyway.

He rang today and left a message. I didn't ring back and I still haven't spoken to him. I feel torn in two. I feel like a mad woman. I feel drawn to him but think he's guaranteed to mess me around - yet I'm treating him pretty badly. I really can't tell whether he's genuine or just trying to get a f*ck because he's got no one else. It's driving me mad that I can't trust my assessment of the situation. My head says he's said so many hurtful things that I would be mad to start seeing him again. It also says I'd be mad to get involved with someone who reminds me of an abuser, but the attraction is so powerful that I'm really in a lot of conflict. He isn't that abuser, yet he always gave me contradictory messages about how he felt about me. It left me just not knowing what was really going on, so I'm not sure that he's good for me. And I feel mad because I am oscillating between one extreme and the other, towards and away. Yet, I think he could just walk out on me without a backwards glance once he's had what he needs from me. I just get that sense.

He'll no doubt ring me later. I was supposed to see him tomorrow. He requested that we either go away for the night or he come to mine for the night. I'm positively freaked out about that because he says he wants to 'snuggle' but I very much doubt that will be all he's going to want since we haven't had sex for 15 months. I fear he'll rape me but that's probably just one of my fantasies created by the abuse reminders not the reality, but I can't know for sure. So I don't want him to come here, but I fear that if I meet him for coffee in town, I'll relent to his pressure and then I could be in a risky situation anyhow. Hence I'm avoiding the situation completely. I don't know whether he's actually safe or not. He's not always that good at listening to me. I can't avoid him forever though. If I avoid him too much, he might just end up on the doorstep, which would defeat the object. But, there's another part of me that feels so content in his presence and who thinks all this fear stuff is ridiculous and I'm throwing something away that could have great value - and the two sides of me are battling it out. Sometimes it seems I'm avoiding the closeness, other times I think I'm avoiding being hurt and I have good reason to do that. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm in an anxious state.

This is the man who said he didn't want to break up a family, he doesn't want to be a step parent (especially to an autistic child), he doesn't think we have a romantic future, he doesn't think of me that way and also that he clearly has feelings for me and isn't oblivious to the fact they are sexual in nature. My head is shot with contradictions. What is going on?

Thanks

Lifewriter