Trying to understand it all

[knowledgeseeker]

I've been married for 8 years. My husband has always had a high conflict personality. Over the last few years its gotten worse. One minute loving the next minute yelling and cursing at me for things that make no sense to me and are just not logical. Things are always more dramatic then they need to be with him. We will have quiet periods and then all of a sudden high conflict drama that leaves me scratching my head. During these conflicts he says incredibly hurtful things to me and always ends up apologizing the next day and just wants things to go on like nothing ever happened while I'm left feeling emotionally confused and still hurt about whats taken place. His mother says he's not happy unless he's stressed out and if there is no stress he will create stress and she is right. She says she doesn't know what that came from but his father was the same way.

He's impatient and comes across rude and gruff to others especially if he's not getting what he wants. He finds himself in conflict easily with strangers 90% of the time because of his own view on how the situation he is in with the person should go, which is that he wants it to go his way.

Hes supportive of me having outside interests but then when he perceives my outside interest as interfering with me being with him, he tells me I don't have time for him or that I don't need him. And then there is either conflict or like right now, he's completely pulled away from me and we are not speaking because he says I need to focus on my stuff right now and he needs to work through "some deeply personal issues".

Pulling away and completely pushing me out is new. He suffered head trauma a few months ago and hasn't been the same. He says he's depressed, feels alone and is lonely and feels like he's trapped in his job. His career has always been the most important thing to him and he has now thrown himself into his job telling me he has to focus on it right now. The things that he is saying to me are inconsistent, conflict with each other at times and make no sense. At one point I started to think he was having an affair because of how he's been with drawing and the things he's been doing. But I think he is really in his own personal crisis.

I've been in therapy myself for 4 months trying to figure out how to better communicate with him and set my own boundaries with him. He states that I have to go to therapy in order to be married to him which isn't why I go to therapy, I go for me and because I'm a fixer and a caretaker and I know I can't be that anymore to him. He says he wants to talk to a professional because he says his head isn't right. He seemed relieved when I gave him the name of someone at the urging of my therapist but he's made no effort to go see them as he states he as to focus on his job right now. I should also mention his job is in another state then where we live so for the past two years we've been going back and fourth. This past year and half he's been doing most of the back and fourth as I've been raising his child and mine (second marriage) and his child was having her own emotional issues and required a significant amount of my time which I thought we are won the same page about but he's now saying I never want to come see him. I feel like I can't win. My marriage is falling apart and nothing I do seems to make it better just worse. I've been doing a ton of reading and now understand that some of my behavior (need to fix it) doesn't help someone with BPD it only pushes them farther away. I'm convinced that the accident has brought out the BPD and that he realizes something is wrong and is terrified to seek help. Why he's pushing away the one person that has always been his biggest support and loves him I just don't understand. He's never completely shut me out like this and I'm trying to be okay with it and understand but its hard because it hurts. I'm contemplating where or not I want to continue in this relationship if he doesn't seek mental help.

Looking for support and wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar after a loved on suffered a head injury. The doctor told me that trauma can make a disorder worse and talked a lot about executive functioning. Thank you for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi knowledgeseeker, welcome  Thank you for sharing  

While I don't have experience with head injuries per se', much of what you've mentioned sounds familiar. 

I'm contemplating where or not I want to continue in this relationship if he doesn't seek mental help.

That's a tough yet understandable place to be, knowledgeseeker   We're here for support while you work through all of this.  We can be of great support to our partners too, without giving up on ourselves or them, even when they aren't actively seeking help: Supporting your BPD partner

It's great that you've reached out support and hope you find this community as helpful and hopeful, as I have.  Please keep posting and reading and sharing what's on your mind... .

It's great to have to here