BPD Parents - no contact since teenager

[Please help]

Hello,



* Please note - I posted a very similar thread to this some time ago. Every once in a while it starts to bother me again and I need a fresh perspective. - Thank you in advance

 It's been a few years since I posted here. For those who are relatively new, I encourage you to stay on these forums. I made it through a bad divorce with the help of people here. I also learned a great deal about myself.

 I am in my early 40's and always wondered why I never connected with my parents and hope you can share your perspective with me. Backstory -  Mother 16 Father 21 when I was born. F went to prison when I was 5 for a few years and M went into a black hole of drugs and sex. She had a kid with F's best friend while he was away. F's mother (my grandmother) blamed me for her only son going to prison even though I was approx. 5 yrs old. She was clearly BPD and fit almost all the DSM symptoms.

   Parents briefly got back together when F got out but soon divorced. My M's mother was upset she had a baby at 16 and wanted me to be adopted ( or aborted). Maternal G mother always had anger towards me as did Paternal G mother. I think it was easier to blame me than their own kids. F's mother would call me "rape baby" and break down crying saying she told her "innocent" son not to put his name on my birth certificate. I always found it ironic her calling me "rape baby" as technically I was (statutory) due to her son sleeping with a minor.

 I think both my parents picked up on their parents  anger towards me and they too continued to project it.

Both parents got re-married , divorced , etc and I bounced from house to house until I was 18 then I moved out to my own place. I knew both saw me as a nuisance as they were trying to start other families and saw me and younger brother as baggage. Unfortunately, my younger brother never knew who his real father was and looked nothing like us. My mother sent him to live with my father and me even though he was not a biological relative.

For some reason, I wrote my mother off as a child and never had much to do with her. i assumed she was abused in a bad way by her crazy father and that is why is so messed up.

 My father on the other hand I expected to do he right thing. I stopped speaking to him around 19-21 years old ( I am early 40's now) as he was becoming a psychotic criminal due to heavy drug use. I bailed him out of jail over 15 times.

 He has another set of kids with new wife and those kids ended up in foster care. A few years back both of his new set of kids were in their early 20's and using heavy drugs , getting arrested, etc. Someone said they say me and I looked good. He contacted me after close to 20 years and quickly laid the guilt trip on me of how I abandoned everyone and I was a bit of an a****** for doing so.

 I did not disagree as I carefully listened and asked subtle ,yet  thought -provoking questions i.e how did things get so messed up? He flat out told me he did not want to talk about those things but needed help with his kids as they were out of control. He kept calling me telling me how I could help the kids i.e maybe they could live with me ( he was hinting). He did mention his ex wife and some guy were going to adopt them a while back  and he was excited as he owed a bunch of money in child support. Ex wife's new guy backed out and he had to pay years of back child support. So this tells me he has no issues throwing his kids away.

I spoke to him a few times after I showed no interest in helping him and he has no interest in speaking to me. All he did was throw little insults at like how a school counselor thought I may "retarded" due to my inability to do certain types of math. I realized years later this was due primarily to switching schools   7-8 x by the 11 grade.  He threw some other rude digs at me and I jokingly reminded him of his past and the phone call politely ended.

  I do not understand how one could be so detached from their own kids and yet when meeting them later in life instead of trying to reconcile, it's almost like he was confronting me for being HIS ABUSER. That is truly how I felt. He was someone from my past and wanted to confront me and tell me what a bad person I was. Oddly, I quickly picked up on these dynamics and did not try to change them. Instead, I let him "get it off his chest".

 My mother had made up horrific stories about me as a kid. I believe this was done so she could justify not being in contact with her son. She told people I was a violent drug dealer working for my father and she was applying tough love until I gave up that lifestyle. I was not in contact with my father during this period. I was working a few minimum wage jobs trying to get through school. Admittedly, those lies hurt.

 I see a few people who are still in touch with them occasionally. The reports I get are they both drink and or use drugs and look much older than their biological ages. My father is still is casual contact with his ex-wives for no reason other than just to hang out. One of his ex wives had him sent to jail for kidnapping as they were having a custody dispute. I know this because I bailed him out of jail for it. How could he be in contact with an ex wife who beat up his elderly mother , knocking her teeth out and sent him to jail for kidnapping his own kids yet not want anything to do with a son who did nothing but help him when I could.

 My main question here is do these people sound disturbed or is there an angle I am not seeing? I always reflect on how everyone on my family was against me even as a child.

  Could there be something about me? I know we cannot diagnose but your insights would be greatly appreciated.

 Thank you for your time.

 

[Harri]

Hi PH.

  My main question here is do these people sound disturbed or is there an angle I am not seeing? I always reflect on how everyone on my family was against me even as a child.

   Could there be something about me? I know we cannot diagnose but your insights would be greatly appreciated.

They not only sound disturbed, they are disturbed.  They all sound, to me, like they are perpetual victims, even to the point of blaming their own crappy behaviors on an innocent child.  It sounds like you were surrounded by generations of dysfunction.  It is remarkable that you survived all of that and stopped the familial patterns.   

Please Help, there is nothing in you that caused them to treat you the way they did.  Not when you were a child and not now.  They have issues and, unfortunately, for whatever is within them, they used you as their scapegoat/trash bin, etc.  You are not missing any angle PH.  What they did and how they have treated you had nothing, Nothing and NOTHING to do with you.  Not ever.  Are you familiar with projection?  Please read about it if you are not.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

An excerpt:  Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

To blame you and punish you for their own behaviors is despicable and so very damaging.  Your family lied to you.  You are not what they say you are/were.  Not ever.  The damage from growing up in such an environment and dealing with so much abandonment can be quite profound, though I will say again that I think it is remarkable that you survived and came out of that hellish childhood intact.

PH, their lies and manipulations got into your head.  Keep working at it and questioning it.  You can change that.  I hope you keep posting and asking questions. 

[Deb]

please help ,

They are disturbed and disturbing. The whole dysfunctional lot of them. And because you are survuving without them, and won't allow yourself to be abused by them, they are stiking out. They need to put you down so they can feel better about themselves.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi please help,

It can be very difficult sorting out what is what when surrounded by dysfunction.  My FOO was a bit of a mess as well.  I remember growing up feeling very confused about so many things. I grew up in a constant state of fear, often fearing for my life.

I no longer speak to any of them.  Disconnecting from them, their opinions of me, the roles they tried to fit me in... .Was when my healing began to really snowball.

I do my best to redefine "family" for my own contentment.  I find sources of family-like bonds in moments in my friendships or interactions with others.

I spent many years feeling like I was missing something, and I still have a rare occasion where I still think this.  However, mostly, when I think of them... .all that I can think of is how so grateful I am to be free of them.  Free of their abusive roles, abusive dynamics, degrading thoughts of me, and them just instinctively feeling threatened and trying to push me down in some way.

I hope you can find some sense of peace with this.


~Sunflower

[Turkish]

I think it's remarkable that you gained clarity and wisdom about a very toxic and dysfunctional family from such a young age. Instead of continuing to pass on the dynamic another generation, you've stopped it with you, which is especially important if you have kids.

Bowen talks about differentiation, or the lack thereof:

https://www.thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/differentiation-of-self/

A person with a well-differentiated “self” recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality.

Everyone is subject to problems in his work and personal life, but less differentiated people and families are vulnerable to periods of heightened chronic anxiety which contributes to their having a disproportionate share of society’s most serious problems.

[Please help]

Thanks for all the feedback. Although my posts are redundant, I still need to come back here for the reaffirmations of my stability. I hope others see this post and understand how helpful this forum really is.

  I had a dream last night about my F's parents. We went out to dinner and had a great time. I recall how normal they were acting and I was so happy to see them again. On the way back we stopped at a small museum where there was some famous murder that happened in 1911. The house was still preserved as it was in 1911. Father's mother then told me they think I committed the murder because they found my blood. I explained to her this crime happened well over 100 years ago.

  This dream was a reminder of her insanity and her blaming me for everything. Including her some going to prison for drug smuggling. I remember being 5 yrs old and her telling me the police wanted me in jail not her son.

  These traumas stay with us forever and come back in our dreams like mine did. They will never go away. Over time, we get better at dealing with them and can move on to live healthy lives.

 

  Thank you again for all your feedback !

Living well is the remedy for dealing with our traumas !