I'm back. Maybe some of you remember me from June when I had posted about my boyfriend of six months who proposed and asked for the ring back the same night. We are in our 40's so I thought it was ok that we moved so quickly... .he tattooed his name on my arm after three month, asked me to move in after four months and the engagement on six month anniversary. I did not yet understand what love bombing was and the devaluation. He didn't speak to me after he took the ring back after proposing. Just said, "he had no feelings for me" and would not take any calls or texts. Stopped all communication. I spent that month on the floor, devastated and you all helped me through that time.
Well, he came back a month later. He did not apologize or take any responsibility. He just showed up one day and said "it had nothing to do with me" he just felt engulfed and that I embarrassed him that night at dinner when he gave me the ring. (I could not handle our six course "wine" dinner) and was apparently showing off the ring too much. He said I was acting pretentious and ungrateful. ANYWAY. He came back and we got back together (because I had blamed myself the first time) and we had a month filled with perceived slights (on his end) anger eruptions (at strangers) and some great times too. He did drink too much in Vegas and call me a name but I gave him grace for the time I embarrassed him at the wine dinner. So about a month in after helping him pack his entire house to move he asks me to help him with his car. I drive an hour downtown to meet him and he is late. He sends a text but I have a meeting and have to move some things so I also call him. He does not like this, I can tell. I help him with his car and buy him donuts and coffee. That night we go to dinner and once we get back to my place I tell him that I have insecurities that he will pull the rug out again. He yells "what do you want the f'ing ring back right now, do you want to get married tomorrow?" I say no, just want to get reassurance we can make it through the speed bumps. That he won't abandon me again. He tells me that I don't have any self esteem and that he would have respected me more if I would have got on a plane and went home and left him in Vegas for calling me a name. The final kicker, he tells me "I've been wanting to tell you since this morning that you don't get to ask me why I was late," he says "i've been wanting to tell you all day to SHUT THE F$#% UP.
So that's when I threw him out of my house. I de-friended him on social media and cut all ties. I felt strong in that moment and sent him an email saying, "you say I don't respect myself enough when you treat me poorly, this is me doing that, I'm sure you understand why I'm disconnecting with you." "i wish you all the best."
The next day he was on all of the dating sites, blocked me in every way... phone, text etc and his dating profile lists that he is looking for someone emotionally stable as his last girlfriend is not. I have just found out that he is very happy now dating a fitness model and excited about the rest of his life since he is rid of me.
I'm trying to get to the healthy part of myself and feeling good about ending it. But I also remember the good times and hearing that he is very happy to be moved on from me, absolutely kills.
I'm just so mixed up again. I was his EVERYTHING for six months. He even said that he put me on a pedestal but then I fell off and he was DONE. Then he came back and I still found ways to mess it up according to him. He said my insecurities were tiring. I just feel FLATTENED again and I am the one who threw him out! I tried to reach him to talk through things or at least put a little peace around it but he has given me final silent treatment.
PROMISE ME IT WILL GET BETTER! That I will someday see this as wrong and be able to move on. There isn't one person in my life who REFUSES to speak to me except for him. I can't put any peace around it. I can't forgive myself for my role.
Any thoughts or advice appreciated and if you've made it through and can offer hope... .I'd love to hear that it gets better.
Thank you!
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I can sure relate though. I kept thinking I had done something to mess things up one way or another. Either by not respecting myself enough to establish boundaries or by not reacting in the right way whenever my exfg was dysregulated. But really, space and time has give me some clarity and I see now that nothing I did would have changed anything. She would say she was "fighting" for us but there was really no effort on her part to understand, empathize or even give any credit to me or my feelings. We too were very close to getting married. I'm glad now that it didn't go that far.
Whenever I start to ruminate about the good times, I think of some of the ugly ones. One that helps me get through the ruminating is there was a time she was dysregulated and leaving to be with some "friends" - I have no idea who, I'm thinking a guy - anyway, I said I love you when she was leaving and she did the throwing up in her mouth action. Why the heck would I ever want to put up with that behavior? I believe in treating others they way I want to be treated and showering disrespect on them is not what I do, yet I put up with it.
I think how everyone moves on is different but IT WILL GET BETTER. Establish a support network if you can, you may be surprised. I had a friend I'd lost touch with during the rs tell me my exgf sounded just like his ex wife and anytime I needed to talk to give him a call. That along with therapy, forcing myself to get out and be social, meet new people (all outside my comfort zone), feeling and naming the emotions that well up inside me when they do and coming here has helped me. I'm learning to show myself as much compassion as I showed her. I'm trying to become my own best-friend, my own safety and security net. I know I'll never leave myself.
Find what helps you and try to do it. I still miss the fantasy relationship but I don't miss the lies, put-downs, abuse, lack of responsibility, etc. Try to be compassionate with yourself and cut yourself a break. I struggled too - still do, and still break down in tears out of the blue. I struggled with the promises I made her and then shouldered the responsibility for not following through. My therapist said I made a mistake, that's all. We all do. Sometimes I ask myself what I'd tell my daughter if she said her bf did/said everything my exgf did - I'd tell her to take care of herself and find someone who will love her the way she deserves. I now tell myself that.
I don't know if any of that helps you but I do know focusing on YOU. Why the rs was attractive to you, what you want out of life, what your dreams were before the rs, what you want in a future rs. It's all available to you once you start believing it.
Hang in there, it does get better!
