Just separated from newly diagnosed BPD husband

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My husband has recently been diagnosed with BPD. It has been a tenuous marriage/ relationship for 12 years. I called a separation because I couldn't cope anymore. He has always been bad but more so in the last 12 months after the purchase of a house.  I think stress is a major trigger for him.  I have bore the entire brunt of his fierce emotions and I feel broken. I want more than anything to be there for him but the blame and guilt I feel from him makes him so hard to love.  We have a son & right now it's about self preservation for myself & him. But I feel so guilty, lonely, helpless, frustrated and scared. Nothing I do or say makes any difference and my every action is scrutinised by him. I am always doing wrong by him no matter what I do. I could go on forever but maybe that's enough for now. Thanks for listening

[Margarita]

My husband has recently been diagnosed with BPD. It has been a tenuous marriage/ relationship for 12 years. I called a separation because I couldn't cope anymore. He has always been bad but more so in the last 12 months after the purchase of a house.  I think stress is a major trigger for him.  I have bore the entire brunt of his fierce emotions and I feel broken. I want more than anything to be there for him but the blame and guilt I feel from him makes him so hard to love.  We have a son & right now it's about self preservation for myself & him. But I feel so guilty, lonely, helpless, frustrated and scared. Nothing I do or say makes any difference and my every action is scrutinised by him. I am always doing wrong by him no matter what I do. I could go on forever but maybe that's enough for now. Thanks for listening

[Herodias]

We understand your pain here... .My husband of 7 years acted out in the worst way after we purchased a home. Then decided it was the home that was causing his stress, along with me and could't wait to get rid of both of us! We sold the house and are now separated to be divorced in Jan. He is living with his new gf already, since he cannot be alone. He is acting like he is not having any "incidents" now that the "stress" is out of his life. It's all horrible. Horrible what we endured and hard to deal with the end. Keep reading here and posting, it is very helpful... .sorry you are going through this as well. Learn what you can, knowledge is power.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Margarita, Welcome, you have come to a great place.  I echo Herodias: we understand your pain.  I was once in your shoes after separating from my BPDxW after 13 turbulent years of marriage, with two kids.  If I can make a suggestion, it would be to focus on yourself, for a change.  Try to let go of the guilt and blame, which are part of the F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) that a pwBPD uses to manipulate a Non.  Take good care of yourself, which is something you probably neglected during your marriage.

LuckyJim

[Margarita]

Thanks Lucky Jim & Herodias

I'm madly trying to practice detachment and self preservation, but my gosh it's so hard when you still love the BPDh. & everything just effects you. Am I an absolute fool? I know I'm not but... .BPDh Flew home from work last night. He is FIFO. Came home today when I was at work and our s8 at school. When I got home after work I was to find every family/wedding photo taken off walls & hidden, & all my bathroom cosmetics thrown all around the bathroom. I want no part in these games any more.  I'm going to stop the fight as of now & not be enticed into emotional battles that he enjoys so much. You hurt me I'll hurt you.

(he's angry because I said I needed a break & told him to move out) He has just started treatment. Only 3 sessions in but inconsistent with FIFO work. He has also just been made redundant. More highly stressful situations which he can't cope with. When it rains it pours!

The fight stops now though I'm going to try to be the better person. Show morals. Self respect. Empathy. Boundaries. Detachment.

[Lucky Jim]

When I got home after work I was to find every family/wedding photo taken off walls & hidden, & all my bathroom cosmetics thrown all around the bathroom. I want no part in these games any more.

Hey Margarita, I've been there, believe me.  Your BPDh is acting out on his turbulent emotions.  It's a form of bullying.  Try to stay above the fray and don't engage.  It's tough to practice detachment, I know, but it's the path that leads through the forest.  Suggest you focus on yourself and your needs, which you seem to be doing.  Like that list at the end of your Post.

LuckyJim