I an 200+ days of No Contact, well over 250 since I last saw my BPDxgf. Thanks to this place that I still come to, the hours of research on BPD, the realization of the extreme and negative health impacts, high end doses of a SNRI antidepressant that have helped lift me from the darkest of pits and obessesion and almost 7 months of gradual healing I am gluing myself back together. Many of you here are still in a daze, in the FOG and likely irrational in your emotions. So, I will share my 200+ day knowledge base that has helped me get to this point.
Unlike the first 10 days of howling, gut wrencing pain and second by second chronic obsessing about her it now very randomly happens. My ego and self-esteem has recovered enough that I've started to date and re-learning the various startegies and the unfortunate "games" that have to sometimes be played such as not seeming too desperate or needy, but not too distant or aloof. The mandatory waiting time on calling back after a date or responding to a call or date. When asked about my last relationship I have to bite my tongue and fight the urge to go into emotional rants about my BPDx. The upside now is that the moment someone I am dating does something that I beleive to be rude or disrespectful I promptly call them on it. Any Red Flags, e.g., lying, substance abuse or innappropriate reactions that come up I acknowledge and will confront by asking: "It's not my place to judge anyone. However, I've noticed that X actions/behaviors have occurred on more than one occasion. It is important you realize that I am not comfortable with this."
Sometimes she still trespasses into the depths of my mind. The rose colored glasses and "nice thoughts" that are compartmentalized about her will sometimes flow especially because of my CoD. When I find that I am getting too nostalgic on the Good Times I go back to my notes, my calendar, my cut/paste quotes or this place to remind myself that it is truly over and that much of the relationship was a disordered exchange between 2 broken souls. She is diagnosed BPD and after hours, days and weeks of research on everything BPD I've come to realize and admit that I am CoD... Codependent. The first few months my posts were all about my being a victim and the sick, twisted evil person she was but I learned to accept responsibility about
my part in this relationship. She did alot of F'd-up things, but I didnt really do anything to Stop it. I had a need to be needed and wanted. I was a Giver, she was a Taker. We were a Dysfunctional Ying and Yang. Two Half People that made One Twisted Relationship. This was one of the first steps that helped me.
I have many quotes from this board and I will share a few but this is one that always grounds me. Quote is from Tim300. It's an older post, but I want to give him credit. Every time I start to think about my BPDx and wanting her back I read this quote.
"You are not helping the pwBPD -- First, a pwBPD is often at his/her absolute worst in the context of a close relationship. Such a close bond causes random bouts of anger, extreme anxiety, and a loss of control over one's own impulses. Sticking around to attempt to help this person -- by, for example, showing that you care -- can ironically cause the pwBPD to dysregulate further. The pwBPD might truly be better off without you. Second, to the extent you feel that a pwBPD's behavior is at all within the pwBPD's control, exiting the relationship might help the pwBPD in the sense of showing the pwBPD "tough love" that will teach the pwBPD that he/she needs to command greater control of his/her behavior.
Your pwBPD will drop you; staying only delays the inevitable -- The pwBPD will drop you, abandon you, take off, perhaps quietly or perhaps while regretfully trying to destroy you during states of dysregulation. This unfortunately is the story over and over again with a pwBPD. This is what they do. It could be a week from now, it could be 10 years from now. There is no amount of love, money, rationality, or bond that will prevent this. Few things are inevitable or certain in life, but the likelihood of the pwBPD coldly abandoning you when you least expect it -- and at the least convenient time for you -- is remarkably high, more so than perhaps in any other relationship you might have. Ultimately, all you will be left with is an exhausted body and mind, a broken heart, and a lot of wasted time and money."
I wont lie, I enjoyed the idealization portions of my relationship with my BPDx. Even though we recycled several times it started the same way, ended same way but I caught on eventually. I called it the 80/20 Rule with her. Most (80%) of what had me soo darn Idealized were the Words that dripped and flowed out of her mouth like milk and honey. The other 20 percent were actions, but mostly negative or neutral that hardly ever backed up what she said. This helped me to realize just how seductive Words can be. It's up to you decide if you want to dedicate your emotions based on poetry and prose or what /heshe actually does by Actions that brings on good, positive emotions and outcomes.
“The next time you try to seduce anyone, don't do it with talk, do with words. Women know more about words than men ever will. And they know how little they can ever possibly mean.” ― William Faulkner
I also learned about Closing All Doors, crevices and potential Triggers.
1. Deleting everything. I mean everything! Texts, emails, pictures.
2. Total and complete No Contact. Blocking phone numbers, blocking email addresses, eliminate every possible way to be contacted. Until you can do this you will be vulnerable to the same games, empty words and promises and manipulation.
3. Acceptance that the "relationship" was truly over. No fairy tale ending. Cutting the cord and dealing with the true pain that it is truly over and never to be revisited. Letting myself feel the pain. Crying about it. Talking about it.
4. Educating myself about the disorder and it's effects on the parties involved. Knowledge is power. Most importantly is the intense effect that the relationship had on my health.
BPD on Non's Health
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=277406.05. Rebuilding the house that is myself that was torn down in the storm of this relationship. There's a certain comfort in knowing that I can come out of this stronger, more aware and proud that I didn't let it defeat me despite the desperate suicide attempt on my part within a few weeks of being dropped on my head for the 3rd-4th time.
6. Dealing with Closure. She B/U with me about 4-5 times with as many recycles. During the 3 different times she reached out to me and because I was so caught off guard I didnt know what to really think the first 2 times. I was blaming myself and I wanted another opportunity to make things right. Now as I can look back on the events she was not really thinking about anything other than scrambling to meet her emotional and sexual needs, a form of soothing as she uses intimacy for reassurance and comfort. In each instance I was replaced and typically after 3months those relationships would come crashing down and she would turn back to me because that's what I always was to her, he soother and comforter and we had a great sexual dynamic. In my mind she was coming back because she cared and loved me and wanted to make the relationship work. Now I understand that's not at all what her coming back was about. It was my own delusion wrapped up in an obsessive FOG that she really wanted a relationship with me. It was a total panic stricken reaction on her part to have me back due to abandonment fears.
Board Member Quote on Closure.
"What I can tell you is that Closure will likely not come from him/her. It will have to be worked through by you.
It is up to the Non-BPD to stop, halt the endless loop. The BPDpw will take you on an endless cycle of B/U's and Make-Up's. Closure to a BPD means Finality. That is something they dread. It means the end, finite', adios and it triggers abandonment in a BPD. Also, if he gives you Closure he is in essence closing the door to possibly coming or walking back into your life. This may or may not occur, but I can tell you that I never was able to get my X to give me Closure as she never really even understood why she would break up with me. Also, I dont know if I was lucky or unlucky as I did get several 2nd Chances and that phase of perfect, obsessive love could never be again as in her mind I had far too many imperfections accumulated. Give it time and seriously consider all your best options for yourself, not him nor the relationship."
Finally, Self Forgiveness. Board member quote:
"My forgiveness won't be for her. It will be for me. I will forgive myself for allowing this mentally disordered person to abuse me devalued me lie to me cheat on me and most importantly question worth and value. I will forgive myself for having such a low self acceptance of myself that I allowed that to take place.
The goal for me is indifference. When someone mentions her or I see her on the street I want to have no feeling what so ever towards her. I don't want to care if she is happy sad or miserable. I don't want her to occupy anymore time or space in my life or mind. What goes around comes around. No one gets out of this world without their fair share of heartache. It comes at different times and in different forms but no gets out of this world without it. I don't care what her life brings her at this point... .She will pay her debts. Karma always comes around."
My prayers and best wishes to all of you in your moment of pain and suffering. Truly, it will pass if you, yourself Allow it.
Dagwood
