Feedback needed for no contact with BPD mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, all. First of all I wanted to say that although I am not very active on these boards I read them often and find a large amount of encouragement, sanity and comfort here. Thank you all so much for the way that you support each other and offer level-headed advice about this challenging disorder.

My question is about my mother. I am 30 years old and have a 4 month old baby boy (our first). Last November my BPD mother abruptly decided to cut off all contact with myself and my brother after we confronted her about some duplicitous statements she had made regarding finances, her pending divorce, etc. She initially did the classic "I won't have a relationship with you if you continue to treat me this way!" tantrum, then changed her story to "I can't be in contact with you for legal reasons until my divorce is final." Basically, she cut and run because we were confronting her on issues she did not want to discuss.  When her divorce finalized in January, she contacted me and my brother, saying that she was now "open to resuming contact if we chose to be in relationship with her." My brother and I responded by email, stating that we want a relationship with her but require that she act in an adult way--we told her that cutting off contact when she was angry about being confronted was unacceptable. Healthy people do not cut off contact with family members for months when they get angry about a conversation, they discuss the issue in a mature way. My mother responded that "the only reason you see my actions in this way is that you have never trusted me, you have never treated me fairly, we didn't really have a relationship to begin with, and I don't need a relationship with a daughter that doesn't love me" and we didn't hear from her again for several months. In April my brother and I sent her birthday cards, and I received an email from her that said that she didn't want to hear from me again until I was ready for a "real relationship," whatever that means. I responded to her that I have always been ready for a real relationship, but I require that that relationship be free from manipulation, guilt-throwing and deception. I didn't hear from her again, not even when my son was born.

My question is, do I just let her go? My life is much less complicated without her in it, and selfishly it is easier to enjoy my new baby and my husband without her in the background being needy and crazy.  However, I don't want to let this go for years and then feel guilty at her funeral that I didn't try harder to resurrect a relationship with her. I am also sad that my relationship (even as dysfunctional as it was) with my mother is gone, and yes, I am furious that she doesn't want to meet my beautiful baby boy. So, as a healthy, relatively mentally stable adult, shouldn't I attempt to keep showing my mother compassion and love (while still speaking the truth to her)? BPDs are at heart so needy and convinced that no one loves them... .I would like to be someone that shows her unconditional love but also sets healthy boundaries. The problem is that I honestly don't know what it would take at this point to start talking to her again. Do I reach out and simply tell her that I love her and am thinking of her? The thought of having to talk to her again makes me physically sick to my stomach--she is extremely triggering. Is it wrong to let her go entirely? Ugh. I just am not sure what to do, and don't want to feel guilty later for letting her go.

If you made it through this long post, thank you. I would appreciate any feedback that you might have!

[ftm0514]

Hello, all. First of all I wanted to say that although I am not very active on these boards I read them often and find a large amount of encouragement, sanity and comfort here. Thank you all so much for the way that you support each other and offer level-headed advice about this challenging disorder.

My question is about my mother. I am 30 years old and have a 4 month old baby boy (our first). Last November my BPD mother abruptly decided to cut off all contact with myself and my brother after we confronted her about some duplicitous statements she had made regarding finances, her pending divorce, etc. She initially did the classic "I won't have a relationship with you if you continue to treat me this way!" tantrum, then changed her story to "I can't be in contact with you for legal reasons until my divorce is final." Basically, she cut and run because we were confronting her on issues she did not want to discuss.  When her divorce finalized in January, she contacted me and my brother, saying that she was now "open to resuming contact if we chose to be in relationship with her." My brother and I responded by email, stating that we want a relationship with her but require that she act in an adult way--we told her that cutting off contact when she was angry about being confronted was unacceptable. Healthy people do not cut off contact with family members for months when they get angry about a conversation, they discuss the issue in a mature way. My mother responded that "the only reason you see my actions in this way is that you have never trusted me, you have never treated me fairly, we didn't really have a relationship to begin with, and I don't need a relationship with a daughter that doesn't love me" and we didn't hear from her again for several months. In April my brother and I sent her birthday cards, and I received an email from her that said that she didn't want to hear from me again until I was ready for a "real relationship," whatever that means. I responded to her that I have always been ready for a real relationship, but I require that that relationship be free from manipulation, guilt-throwing and deception. I didn't hear from her again, not even when my son was born.

My question is, do I just let her go? My life is much less complicated without her in it, and selfishly it is easier to enjoy my new baby and my husband without her in the background being needy and crazy.  However, I don't want to let this go for years and then feel guilty at her funeral that I didn't try harder to resurrect a relationship with her. I am also sad that my relationship (even as dysfunctional as it was) with my mother is gone, and yes, I am furious that she doesn't want to meet my beautiful baby boy. So, as a healthy, relatively mentally stable adult, shouldn't I attempt to keep showing my mother compassion and love (while still speaking the truth to her)? BPDs are at heart so needy and convinced that no one loves them... .I would like to be someone that shows her unconditional love but also sets healthy boundaries. The problem is that I honestly don't know what it would take at this point to start talking to her again. Do I reach out and simply tell her that I love her and am thinking of her? The thought of having to talk to her again makes me physically sick to my stomach--she is extremely triggering. Is it wrong to let her go entirely? Ugh. I just am not sure what to do, and don't want to feel guilty later for letting her go.

If you made it through this long post, thank you. I would appreciate any feedback that you might have!

[Deb]

ftm0514 , ceasing contact with someone who imanipulative and deceptive is, in my opinion, neither right nor wrong. You need to do what is best for you and your family. And sometimes that includes what you can live with. For me, ceasing contact with my abusive, manipulative, deceptive dBPDsister, was the right thing to do for my own mental well being. I felt guilty for awhile. I grieved over the lost relationship until I realized I never really had that sister realtionship that friends have with their siblings. Do I feel guilty now? No. My sister made her choices and I made mine. We both operate on what we feel/think/believe is best for us. Granted, my sister's choices are made through the haze of mental illness, but they are still her choices. Just like she chooses not to participate in counseling that could make her healthier. I did have counseling, a lot of meditation and personal insight, so my choice is not knee jerk. If you choose to have contact or not, I urge you to work through it in a well thought out plan. Use the tools on this board. Maybe do counseling. Some have also found things like Alanon helpful. That way, if you choose to have a relationship with your mother, you will be able to set strong boundaries. If you choose not to have a relationship with her, you will know you are making your best choices.

[ftm0514]

Deb, thank you for your reply. It helps to know that you made the right decision for you but still grieved about it for a while. I guess that is normal. And yes, I am more grieving what I never had (a normal relationship with a healthy mother).  I will have to continue to think and pray about this before I decide what I am going to do long-term.

[HappyChappy]

She initially did the classic "I won't have a relationship with you if you continue to treat me this way!"... . "the only reason you see my actions in this way is that you have never trusted me, you have never treated me fairly, we didn't really have a relationship to begin with, and I don't need a relationship with a daughter that doesn't love me" ... .I was ready for a "real relationship," whatever that means.

ftm0514 Normally it’s the child that goes NC, so this is an interesting situation. However the BPD theory states, that they do not fair well when confronted,  and they can’t except the critisusm, so will project the problem back on you. Which would explain your mom’s behaviour. Her comments are all playing to Fear Obligation and Guilt , the sort of thing an 8 year old would do and hence very BPD.

If you do hook back up, and I’m in the process of doing so after several years of NC, your BPD will more than likely expect an apology and probably a repeated appology. When she says "real relationship" I'm guessing she means, back to how she likes it i.e. when you did call her out, or suggest she lies. A BPD hates people uncovering their deception, because this is their trump card. They only have the upper hand if you don't know they're cheating. She will also expect things to go back to how they were

So to answer your question, is that what you want ? You know your BPD better than I, but I'm guessing she will require you to eat humble pie until she knows you're doing as your told again. Then it will be back to how it ever was. The difference will be in how you manage the situation. So are you ready ? My BPD mom also triangulated my kids, which I found hard to accept. A BPD likes vulnerable and a child is vulnerable. What would you ideally like to do ?  

[ftm0514]

Yes, it is a little backwards but this has always been my mom's approach to difficult situations. She can't keep a close friend for more than a few years because eventually they will cross some invisible line and she will split on them and cut them out of her life. When I was little, she would tell me that I wasn't good for her, that I was making her sick, and that for her own good she had to end the relationship with me ( this started when I was 5-6 years old). She would refuse to interact with me or tell me that I wasn't to speak with her for a period of time (usually 24-36 hrs) so that she could "heal." Very messed up, but that is my mom! You are right. I need to just decide what I want... .if being in contact with my mother is worth that kind of a relationship.

[GirlsCanDoMath]

Hello!

My Short Story:

I am going through a very similar situation. My mother is uBPD and my father recently left her after years of a toxic relationship (on both sides). I feel sorry for her, and I want to be there for her but she consistently finds a way to scapegoat me for everything. She is angry that I did not cut my dad off when he left her, she blames me for her decision to stay with him all these years, she accuses me of not liking her new boyfriend (who she insisted on introducing me to a week after they were dating)... .etc.

She tells everyone this nonsense and loves playing the victim and crying to everyone about what a horrible daughter I am.

Her sisters (she has 4, i suspect uBPD, sisters  ) eat it up bc they all have strained relationships with their children. So they fuel each others fires and ... .ya so fml.

So my mom calls me to tell me some drama about her and her friends... .and I ask her nicely to change the subject because I dont wanna hear about the drama (she sounds like a 16 year old). She flips out... .tells me to go f myself... .hangs up and texts me telling me to never talk to her again and about what a crappy daughter I am.

Heres the kicker: Tells everyone I cut her off because she has a boyfriend and I cant handle it. A BLATANT LIE. I did not cut her off and I dont care about her boyfriend... .i doubt he will be around long anyway. So, we have been NC for about a month now. My grandma (biggest enabler on the planet) calls me and begs me to call her and talk and act like nothing ever happened.

I am not sure if I should call her... .or keep it this way.

My life is less complicated, but I feel guilty just like you.

What if something happens... .I dont want to have regret. 

I have been mourning the loss too... .but I keep reminding myself that she will not change.

Even if I call her, this WILL happen again... .not sure when... .not sure why... .its very emotionally draining.

I have been reading this book "Understanding the borderline mother" and it is really helping me through this.

Best,

B.