Can I convince my father to get therapy?

[Auslaunder]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to know if there were ways to convince someone with BPD that they need therapy? When are they most likely to seek it themselves? My father is high functioning but he knows he suffers from depression and anxiety. He blames his divorce and the death of my brother for his depression, but I have never seen him happy.

[Kwamina]

Hi Auslaunder

There are people with BPD who have gotten into therapy (for instance DBT) and have benefited greatly from it. For this to happen it is essential that the person fully acknowledges his or her issues and fully commits to working on them.

It is difficult to get people to change or seek help if they don't want to themselves. Your father knows he suffers from depression and anxiety but blames his depression on external factors. Do you feel like he has ever in any way acknowledged the own role he might play in the problems he's dealing with? Has he ever indicated that he might be willing to seek help?

[Auslaunder]

Hi Kwamina,

I think it's hard to say if he acknowledges his role. He will talk about the mistakes he thinks he's made, but they arent the mistakes he actually made. He will blame himself for not recognizing the needs of another person, but he can't see how his own actions cause him the problems he deals with in the first place. Is that close enough? No he doesn't want help.

[Kwamina]

I think it's hard to say if he acknowledges his role. He will talk about the mistakes he thinks he's made, but they arent the mistakes he actually made. He will blame himself for not recognizing the needs of another person, but he can't see how his own actions cause him the problems he deals with in the first place. Is that close enough?

This sounds like he might be struggling with a form of distorted thinking known as personalization:

"This involves attributing blame to self for an event where the responsibility is not fully yours, only partly yours or not yours at all."

Would you say personalization accurately describes this aspect of your father's behavior?

It's very unfortunate that he's unable to see how his own actions cause him certain problems.

No he doesn't want help.

Why do you think he doesn't want help? Do you perhaps feel that he thinks he should be able to handle everything himself, especially since he's high functioning?

[Auslaunder]

Yes it is personalization, but he does it in such a way that it actually abdicates him of blame. He avoids the real reasons for the conflict or problem and plays a martyr. Its very manipulative. Hmmmm, maybe that's not progress toward personal insight at all.

I think he doesn't want help because everyone in the family has asked him to go to therapy and he refuses. He says therapists manipulate people to leave their families because they're backwards, modernist, liberals. He doesn't like anyone going to therapy. Strangely he really likes psychiatrists. He has befriended a few and uses this as proof to himself that he is sane and we, the rest of his family, have mental problems. I think he knows at some level he has problems or he wouldn't be so defensive. Even though he's high functioning, he can't handle everything himself. He can't handle his finances, his daily chores, can't make purchases himself for houses or cars or even clothing. He feels entitled to have someone else do every thing for him and he's so far been very successful finding people to enable him. I can't tell if he knows this is abnormal or not.