In the morning she loved me then in the night it was over.

[StandingTall]

I trusted her with everything I had. Ignored all red flags. In the morning she loved me then in the night it was over. I feel ripped apart because of how deep my love was. I knew something was wrong with her .but for one day to lobe me the. Leave me with zero contact and sent her brother to drop my ring off. She sent a text saying now u have closure. There was a 2 week downward spiral where she did drugs and lied to me. I believe she started a friendly relationship to make for an easy exit ... .her mother is NPD so there was never a resolve but I did everything for her and have been left feeling like trash and destroyed I couldn't move for a week.  I don't know what to do because I love her... .

[JadeIshka]

I'm so sorry to hear. I wish I had helpful advice but I don't. Sending a hug instead. 

[JRT]

I am so sorry the hear that this happened to you... .I can relate as I had a similar thing happen

We were together for 2 years,,,she sold her stuff and moved in... .we ordered our wedding rings... .three weeks after the move in, I went out of town for work... .she sent me a text saying that our relationship was over and that she had moved out and to never contact her again... .she blocked me from contact and I have never spoken to her since... .I have tried to get the ring returned and have had to resort to suing her since any attempt to contact her has been construed as 'stalking' ... .sigh.

Hang in there man!

[StandingTall]

 2 weeks no contact, before they leave do they have destructive signs (drugs drinking, talking to other people, , ] and how do I know she won't come back... .her family has a super hold on her  and the mother has controlled her beyond belief ... .I feel better knowing that she was BPD... .but to plan a wedding then be gone is crazy... .I didn't deserve the worst thing possible... .was there even love?

[JRT]

man... .I feel you pain... .I went through the same emotions and had the same frustrations... .how could someone plan a wedding and function normally within a relationship and then, BOOM, they are done? If you are like me, you have heard of a lot of things regarding relationships gone bad, but nothing ever like this!

Many accounts of discards that I have read seem to include some sings of the impending act, maybe even most. They are characterized by a period of devaluation (even though mine did not, everything seemed normal until the very end where there were no sings at all). They all seem to work upon variations on a theme so your discard could have very well included her coping with what she was about to do by bouncing it off of friends or drinking more than usual.

I also asked myself if the relationship was even real, was there ever love there to begin with. It is one of the more debated topics here. There are some who claim that BPD love like a child, that they cannot practice or demonstrate any other love that one similar to that which a child understands. Meanwhile there are others who feel that they do love fully but then the BPD kicks in and drives them to do things that negate that love. Either way, BPD's at the end of the day have demons that they are not able to control that destroy the intimate relationships that they most desperately want.

Hang tough and realize that there is nothing that you did that precipitated this and there is nothing that you could have done to have prevented it either, its the disorder that kicked in.

[StandingTall]

. They all seem to work upon variations on a theme so your discard could have very well included her coping with what she was about to do by bouncing it off of friends or drinking more than usual.

I am not sure what this means, but the girl had no friends to bounce anything off ... .she has told one of my friends I cutt it off clean there's nothing left to say.   

The relationship was devaluing me as the blame game. BUT SHE  seemed to go through depression and display hurtful actions towards me. before her rash decision.

Does narasitic tendency  effect a BPD ... .ironically  our monogram for our wedding was BPD.

The emotional cut off  has been stunning.

[JRT]

. They all seem to work upon variations on a theme so your discard could have very well included her coping with what she was about to do by bouncing it off of friends or drinking more than usual.

I am not sure what this means, but the girl had no friends to bounce anything off sorry, I read your statement as if she was smearing you to freinds. It is typical that BPD's do not have friends from my observations. Mine had only one when I met her and I fond that she had cut off several others, its like watching tennis with her!  ... .she has told one of my friends I cutt it off clean there's nothing left to say.   its tricky interpreting this, she might have meant anything. It seems like she was inferring that she discarded you plain and simple without any conversation, rationale or other complication elements. Again, very typical 

The relationship was devaluing me as the blame game. BUT SHE  seemed to go through depression and display hurtful actions towards me. before her rash decision. Although mine hid her devaluation, others are not so sneaky about it. Sounds like this is what was happening with yours. That depression might have been the way that she was dealing with a decision that she had already made in her mind. I wonder if she was already mourning the end of the relationship? The hurtful comments and actions come along for the ride. It is likely that she is telling people fairy tales about 'controlling' behaviors on your part or even worse. pwBPD have no problem making up things that are simply not true to justify their behaviors to others.



Does narasitic tendency  effect a BPD ... .ironically  our monogram for our wedding was BPD.

not sure what you are asking here... .are you asking if narcissism and BPD can both be present?

The emotional cut off  has been stunning.

I hear ya... .its almost my 12 month point and I don't think that there has been a day where i have not shook my head in disbelief... .Of all things I would have expected, this was not one of them.

[StandingTall]

Trying to figure out if she was a narsistic and BPD ... .she was so bubbly an happy ... .I guess that's the high and lows were lows... .

I do think she was morning her decision when being depressed. Then self medicatING

Can they just not help themselves or were there triggers for her to run away... .

[JRT]

Trying to figure out if she was a narsistic and BPD ... .she was so bubbly an happy ... .I guess that's the high and lows were lows... .

pwBPD and any other condition can have both of many. The term for this is 'comorbid'. I, however, not able to tell you if she was or was not. I am pretty sure that her appearing to be happy was  sign of NPD. There are diagnostic criteria for NPD as there are for BPD.

I do think she was morning her decision when being depressed. Then self medicatING  possibly

Can they just not help themselves or were there triggers for her to run away... .

In the case of mine, I am convinced that she became triggered by a number of things and that her actions were impulses that she simply could not control. Its hard to say since I have not spoken with her, but knowing what I know, it is the best possible explanation for her actions.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Trying to figure out if she was a narsistic and BPD ... .she was so bubbly an happy ... .I guess that's the high and lows were lows... .

pwBPD and any other condition can have both of many. The term for this is 'comorbid'. I, however, not able to tell you if she was or was not. I am pretty sure that her appearing to be happy was  sign of NPD. There are diagnostic criteria for NPD as there are for BPD.

I do think she was morning her decision when being depressed. Then self medicatING  possibly

Can they just not help themselves or were there triggers for her to run away... .

In the case of mine, I am convinced that she became triggered by a number of things and that her actions were impulses that she simply could not control. Its hard to say since I have not spoken with her, but knowing what I know, it is the best possible explanation for her actions.

Same as mine. I am sure she was set off intially by her controlling mother, and then using the results of a court case as the deciding factor to just end our relationship with no real explanation. Like JRT, mine just up and disappeared after 9.5 yrs. We weren't engaged, we were a lesbian couple (no gay marriage last year' at least where we were from!) and had no problems in our relationship except for her push/pull behavior throughout it. Why it was for real this time I have no idea. But like JRT I think it was a rash decision that got taken much further than she anticipated.

[StandingTall]

Thank you both, it rearly seems like I dodged a bullet ... .this early on.  I have heard she started talking to a guy hoe has all the worst qualities in the world drugs gambling date rape ... .the downward spiral has continued its really a sick story ... .

[AsGoodAsItGets]

hey bud,  yeah you won the lottery with this disappearing act.  I met my BPD ex at her worst.  Waited for her to ___ 7 other guys, and always come back, eventually helped keep her out of jail, got her off drugs and a new job.  Well it doesn't matter.  Yes we loved them,  its, well they are on another level.  You dont have kids,  but when they think a monster is under the bed,  its real to them.  BPDs get feelings in thier system imagined or not,  they are real as day to them.  All I am saying if you managed to win her over like I did,  didn't know she had BPD AT THE TIME,  THOUGHT I WAS DEALING WITH AN ADDICT.  They make every moment a challenge,  I was ready to punch her lights out.  It took everything i had to calmly ask her to leave.  Trust me,  you are better off.  When she moved in with me I had 400k and a life balance.   I a broke and jobless.  The only thing great thing is I met a women who honestly loves me.  So you never know what will happen.  Look.  You get so many decades,  30's 40's then your told old and tired,  and die.  Keep coming back, reading post.  You will bounce back.

[StandingTall]

hey bud,  yeah you won the lottery with this disappearing act.  I met my BPD ex at her worst.  Waited for her to 7 other guys, and always come back, eventually helped keep her out of jail, got her off drugs and a new job.  Well it doesn't matter.  Yes we loved them,  its, well they are on another level.  You dont have kids,  but when they think a monster is under the bed,  its real to them.  BPDs get feelings in thier system imagined or not,  they are real as day to them.  All I am saying if you managed to win her over like I did,  didn't know she had BPD AT THE TIME,  THOUGHT I WAS DEALING WITH AN ADDICT.  They make every moment a challenge,  I was ready to punch her lights out.  It took everything i had to calmly ask her to leave.  Trust me,  you are better off.  When she moved in with me I had 400k and a life balance.   I a broke and jobless.  The only thing great thing is I met a women who honestly loves me.  So you never know what will happen.  Look.  You get so many decades,  30's 40's then your told old and tired,  and die.  Keep coming back, reading post.  You will bounce back.

She did drugs before she met me apperently but would freak out if I smoked a cig... .once at wedding rain away crying cause I did ... .it's almost like in public she became a different person to get attention... .

[Skip]

When she said she was going to work to try and "fix us", what was she referring too?  It might help to look at the whole picture.

And what about this other guy?  Where did he come from?  What is going on there?

And lastly, what happened when the brother brought the ring over - what was said?

Having more of the story will really help.

[StandingTall]

She meant fix us because her actions were causing us to fight alot more than usual... .she was pulling away going in her shell... .the other guy was a friend of hers that she talked with because she had no friends... .I wasn't home when the little brother brought the ring to my parents house ... .she texted me...   my brother gave the ring to your parents now u have closure... .we were planning a wedding together and made a payment 10 days before celebrated... .then she when downward  ignoring calls not wanting to come inside my house. Running away because I told her she couldn't come to the beach... .then went out an did drugs started smoking cigarettes... .unstable behavior and I was saying I am going to leave if we don't fix this... .your hurting me on purpose and she was.  She was saying how terrified and scared she was and how she was not ok and not herself... .then stop talking to me and returned the ring and has spoken to me since... .the other guy says he had nothing to say to me... .

So she left me for this other guy who is everything she doesn't value... .but the person she turned into wasn't her before she left. I knew something was wrong and I couldn't stop her spiral.

[Skip]

She was saying how terrified and scared she was and how she was not ok and not herself... .then stop talking to me and returned the ring and has spoken to me since... .the other guy says he had nothing to say to me... .

pwBPD do not handle stress well. Getting married is stress. The "guy" might just be a safe place to land and lick her wounds.

So you haven't really communicated back to her?

Do you want to fix this?

[StandingTall]

She didn't handle anything well... .she broke it off and refused to communicate back to me after multiple attempts... .it's been 2 weeks NC now... .I wanted to fix it but what's left to fix she burnt every bridge that's she was already a paranoid about... .the girl has a n BPD mother who controls her and manipulates her... .I don't think I ever had a chance even though I know i made her more happy than she has ever been and allowed her to mature with me ... .I neve thought she would talk to this guy as a back up i never thought she could or would leave me because our love was good for each of us... .Stresfull  or not the respect she showed me when ending it was the straw. ... .I love  her but I will never trust her again ... .even though I miss her so much

[Skip]

Have you said anything to her, written any emails, etc.?  What did you say?

[StandingTall]

I don't know what you are going through, but i am hurting because you are my soulmate. I want to get through this together. We had the most special relationship in the world, the below letters show our true commitment to each other. You may not be yourself right now and i want to be there for you to help you get back to being the amazing person you are. If you need space i understand. But what is the cost of that space and the actions that happened during that space.  :)o you want me to start living a life without hope and us? We can postpone our wedding or cancel it, i just know that we are meant to be together !

We promised to be there for each other through everything. I know the stress is caving in on your with all your new things in life and the situation we didn't handle in the best way possible .

I can not picture a life without as my wife and the mother of my children.

The connection we have when we kissed and had t time was the purest things on this planet. our loyalty and honesty is real.

Can you see yourself without me? Because that is what is happening right now ... .We hit a spot in life at the same time that did not  allow us to the see our future goals and use the right perspective. We don't need to plan our future today but walking away from your soulmate because your not in the right mindset right now is not good... .I don't know what happened down at Paul's house but you have not been the same since.  Things may have been said to get you to question us. You may even think he cares about you like i do and that is just not possible. If your talking to him because its easier than feeling alone... .Know you are not alone you have your soulmate. Your soulmate is sorry for his actions and anger over the last 2 months. We will never be anyone else but Us and i know you don't want to walk away from us.

But _________ from the bottom of my heart i know that you make me happy and my love for you can concur all. We need to do this together one day at a time. I promise to make things good with your family and i promise to let go of the anger of our situation. I promise to forgive you for what you have done the last two weeks. I promise this because i know who you really are and i know the women you will become.  Over 2 years our life has had ups and downs,  the truth is that is life. True love concurs all  you are my princess and I am your penguin. Nothing feels right in the world without you.  Everything online say to not try and contact you. But we have never been anyone else but ______ and we do things our way.

I know you probably wont answer me until your ready to let go of everything above an below.

Don't quit on our true love because we hit a bad patch.

Just know I will fight for us no matter how hard it is. yesterday was the single worst day of my life next to the passing of my grandfather. That's how much you mean to me. Please come back and lets fix this together.

Let me remind you who you are

You're the women who Meeps at my sweetness, You're the women who smiles ear to ear when a mini horse  runs around a ring. You're the  women who persevered through her masters program, You're the women who picks out the perfect card for my birthday and thoughtful gifts because you love me. You're the women who find concerts tickets to surprise me . You're the women i love to surprise You're the women who melts my heart  You're the women who I want everything with  You're the women i am meant to marry you're the women who keep her promises you're the women who has god in her soul and angels in her eyes. You're the women that loves me with all her heart.

This is you ______ and this is us

I love you ______... . I love and appreciate the person you are... . I love that we can be ourselves and how we truly bring out the best in each other.  I've always wondered how true love really feels, how do you know when you have found that one person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.  But now I realize, you just know... . Not in a million years did I ever even imagine it would feel the way I feel with you... . I feel and know that I am with the person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with... . You are the best boyfriend whom I truly admire.  I know you will be the best husband, father, son-in-law, and brother-in-law in the world... . I love all of you and all you are... . You are my puzzle piece, you are my penguin, you are my forever... . Please always remember, the person who will have my heart is the person who's heart I hold... . That person is you... .

[Skip]

OK.  She has dug a pretty big hole… probably bigger than she can resolve

Everything you needed to express is the note - your feelings for her.  How long ago was this?

If you still want to resurrect this, you need top connect or validate her feelings (and not presume too much). Maybe a card with a note saying, "I understand how you feel right now and it is ok. Marriage is a big deal and it has to feel right. Take your time, sort this out. We can talk if you want.  I don't want you to feel pressured by this. It's not something we have to do."

Would something like this reach her? Take some of the trension off.  Do you know more about her feelings?

[StandingTall]

The note was a little more than two weeks ago we would have been engaged for 1 year next month ... .I don't think anything will get through to her she NPD/BPD or at least that what i think.

[Skip]

The note was a little more than two weeks ago we would have been engaged for 1 year next month ... .I don't think anything will get through to her she NPD/BPD or at least that what i think.

I know you are heartbroken. Anyone would be. This is a huge hurt.

This might be done and gone. It might just be seriously stalled.

Right now she is at the opposite pole as you.  You are saying "hey we were 2 weeks away".  She is saying "something doesn't feel right, I need to get out of here - I certainly can't talk to you about how I really feel."  The two of you are in a very different place and can't talk.

Sending a light note like I said may start to melt the barrier between you - although it will likely take her time to cycle through all her feelings and sort out where she is.

In the meantime, you can work here with members, sorting out your "head" - learn some skills - emotionally detach from the betrayal trauma you are feeling - decide how to pick up and go forward.

[StandingTall]

I think her sending the ring back through her brother was the indication that she was done... .any notes have not help, She has blocked my calls probably text and deleted all existence of us on social media.

She was ready for a life with me we saw each other everyday. Must of all i worked on her communicating an not shutting down for 2 years and then she does this.

I feel  it in  my heart that its over, trust is gone and most of all respect to not even talk to me after... .it was a straight cut off

[JRT]

ST

I am with Skip on this. Where stranger things have happened as far as the salvation of a relationship.But I think that the bigger thing would be in going forward, you are able to confirm to yourself that you had done absolutely EVERYTHING that you could possibly do to simultaneity save the relationship (ore establish a lasting friendship, if possible) or bring closure to it. It wasn't until I was able to do this on my own that I was able to clear a major obstacle in moving on... .and it felt good and empowering.

[StandingTall]

The only thing i know is she is checking our joint email address and i have sent that light hearted note.  SKIP and J  i appreciate  it a lot... .I have done everything durning and after... .I have peace  in my heart and i feel good about where i am headed. If she came knocking at my door, she wouldnt be able to deal with the new relationship.

i lived i loved an i learned- I survived most of all thank to you all of you. I will make sure to be here to pay it forward.

GB

[Skip]

What did you say?

[ForeverDad]

Skip mentioned that marriage is a stress to the relationship.  I've often used the word 'trigger'.  So many things can trigger an overreaction besides an engagement... .weddings, funerals, births, parties, moving, packing for moving, holidays, vacation, packing for vacation, etc.

Also, many people with BPD behaviors (pwBPD) have cycles of behavior, sort of like a roller coaster ride.  High highs and low lows, as you've experienced.  The problem is that (1) roller coasters are for just a few minutes, life is so much more than a short joy ride and (2) roller coasters go round and round in circles, what is at first exhilarating and thrilling can wear off and even make us feel sick.  And if you get sick, you can't get off whenever you want.  I'm not talking here about love, I'm sure you love her, I'm talking about the repeating push-pull you would experience if the relationship continued.  She may feel the initial thrills and joys expose her too much, as though she feels the honeymoon period is going flat.  (BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships, the closer you get the more inconsistent and unpredictable it can be.  And when close and in private the Mask of Seeming Normalcy often cracks and you see behaviors of a different person.)

Has she done that much in the past, pulled you close and then pushed you away?  While we all do that to some extent, if it is to an extreme (hence, moving from just a reasonable trait to disordered behavior) then that is a warning flag.

If the relationship really has ended then you should try to look at it as a mercy to you.  Yes, a perspective you may not perceive right now, but ponder it for a moment.  For example, the Family Law board has many people there who got married, had children and then the relationships imploded.  Imagine how they have to face not only an ended relationship but also the huge complications of unwinding the assets, debts, financial issues and especially ways to co-parent the children.  So if your relationship is to end, better for it to be now, when it's only your heart and a ring rather than later and have to struggle with co-parenting and other complications.

[StandingTall]

What did you say?

Exactly what you wrote

[StandingTall]

She is reading everything but not responding to me at all. Which mean what is wrong with here... .She cant talk to me but can read what i have to say.

[Skip]

If she has BPD traits (or even if not), its best to look at what is happening this way…

Something was building up and she couldn't handle it and blew.

It takes a long time to return to baseline from this.  First she has to return to base line from your letter, then from her scene, and then from what was building up.  This can take days, even weeks.

You sent the two letters.  First you expressed your feelings. Now you turned the pressure off.  Now step back and let her come to baseline on her own.

Time to step back form this and maybe doa postmortem on what happened  - see what you can learn.