Ashamed of myself yet grateful to be back here after 3 years of breakups

[hopealways]

After perhaps the 20th or more discard by my BPDx I am back on this forum, ashamed of myself for allowing her to reel me in after I maintained strict NC and blocked her almost 2 years ago. She finally called me from a skype number and I picked up not recognizing the number, and she came over. We got back together, and to spare you the details, had the same push pull breakup makeup crazy making relationship for the last 2 years.  Until the final discard exactly 59 days ago (yes I still count) when she said she just cannot have sex with me because she loves me too much (what the heck?).

I have seen many here stick with NC and eventually move on to way more fulfilling lives without their BPDx. When I came back on this forum after the last discard I noticed Ironmanfalls (one of the greatest contributors here) wasn't even here anymore, he became Ironmanrises and stopped posting over a year ago.  Even he moved on, and here I am looking outside my window daily hoping she's outside.

My heart goes out to all of you here. I know it is not easy. These high conflict relationships are the most difficult to get over.  But just as I died a little bit every day while I was with her, now I live a little more every day that she is without me.  Sure, we remember those great moments: every relationship has them.  But we never thrived with the BPDx.  It was a slow chipping away of our soul, our dignity, and our identity.  I was lost with her.

These days I enjoy going to the gym, spending more time with friends, taking hikes.  I even spontaneously took a 1 week trip to Europe just recently and hung out with friends.  I am not ready to fall in love again, I find fault with everyone I meet as I compare everything visually about them with her, even the "perfect" ones.  But that is okay. I know it will change.

Part of my healing is that I have found that now I wonder about the future instead of being anxious about it. I wonder about the beautiful possibilities.  I guess that is a good sign.

I know so much about BPD now, maybe even more than my psychiatrist.  It is an awful disorder.  But I have accepted that the BPD individual can never change. There is no medication for it, and therapy really only manages the extreme symptoms, they will not be cured.  And I cannot spend a lifetime walking on eggshells or changing who I am: that is not life.

This forum has helped me a lot.  Keep reading, keep posting.  It does get better.  Ironmanrises I am proud of you, wherever you are.

[SGraham]

Thank you for the update hopealways. People's check ins really help me a lot. It gives me hope.

[hopealways]

It also helped me a lot, happy to share on here.  Best of luck!

[HappyNihilist]

 

Thank you so much for checking in and updating us, hopealways. It's good to see that you've come far in your healing journey. You're doing things that make you feel good, accepted that your ex likely won't change, and are more hopeful about the future because you know that you'll continue to heal and feel better. 

There's nothing to be ashamed of - 88% who've been in a disordered relationship have 'recycled.' There's no shame in loving someone and wanting to be with them. It's hard to detach.

What do you think kept bringing you back to the relationship?

It was a slow chipping away of our soul, our dignity, and our identity.  I was lost with her.

This is a terrible way to feel.   I'm glad you're living a little more every day, getting back in touch with yourself.

We're glad to see you again. Best of luck on your journey.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hopealways, Many here, including me, have recycled many times.  Until one is ready to get off the BPD roller coaster for good, then there is always the possibility of getting back on it, sad to say.  It's like an addiction which one is unable to kick.  It's OK, and nothing to be ashamed of.  Glad to hear that you are finally coming out on the other side.

LuckyJim

[hopealways]

Thank you Lucky Jim and HappyNihilist.  To answer Nihilist's question what kept me going back was several things. She always came back to me, I never did, but she reeled me in each time. She was beautiful, seductive, smart and the highs were really really high, i.e. our good times were really great.  Even a crumb of one of the previous highs made me want to be with her-sounds totally like addiction I know, because it is. But the lows were just so low that in the end I was a shadow of my former self.  Today is officially 2 months of no contact. Thanks for your support. My thoughts are with all of you here.

[helpmewithbpd]

I'm with you hopealways I'm totally addicted you my ex BPD iI just can't seem to shake he out of my mind,  iIsee her job still get anxiety it drives me crazy I'm 3 months nc and it feels like it was only yesterday in my heart,  i don't know what to do

[hopealways]

It gets better you just have to avoid contact. The pain is normal but it will go away.  Don't fight the pain, let it come and it will diminish eventually.

[myself]

Agreed, many of us kept going back due to attractions, addictions, wanting to see if it was 'real' with them or not... .Still working out our own issues along the way. Believing in ourselves is key, whether that's when life is going well, is too chaotic, or anything in between. How do you think it will be different the next time she comes around, trying to reel you back?

[hopealways]

Agreed, many of us kept going back due to attractions, addictions, wanting to see if it was 'real' with them or not... .Still working out our own issues along the way. Believing in ourselves is key, whether that's when life is going well, is too chaotic, or anything in between. How do you think it will be different the next time she comes around, trying to reel you back?

Well, my hope is she doesn't, but who knows if she will. Believing in ourselves is key you're right. We should also BE ourselves.  These high-conflict relationships make us not be ourselves, we are always on edge, walking on eggshells. If we work on resolving our own core trauma we would never be attracted to BPD types in the future. I know because I have met such women and avoided them recently.