Why am I still seeking contact/validation?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I broke up with my ex bf BPD a month and a half ago.  I have not heard anything.  I did block his number immediately after ending things, but I have not had him contact me through other channels.

Background: I broke up with him in early August.  I took him back in March after he had broken up with me last September.  He initially ended things almost a year ago. He begged me to come back six months later, and in that initial six month time of me doing NC he consistently contacted me. In that time he reengaged with his ex and had other relationships. 

After being hesitant and skeptical, I went back and nothing changed.   He proved to me he was exactly the same, but I thought maybe, just maybe there would be a slim chance it would be different. I tried again with him for another four months, but I got fed up and ended things.  I confronted him about things not changing and how I was unhappy, he replied with, "I think you have stronger feelings for me than I do you, and I don't love you,." ---- This coming from the person who wanted me back so bad, and was "mad " at himself for "botching things up."

I was pretty condeming when I broke up with him and told him, "I am not the problem in this relationship, and none of your other previous girlfriend's have been either. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!"  I called him out on his probable cheating.  He stared at the ground most of the time... .

He still has not contacted me, and I believe he found a replacement three weeks after this happened.  So, maybe that is my answer why he has not contacted, and I don't even know why I care?  Unfortunately, I wonder why he hasn't?  I should absolutely not care, at all, but a part of me does   

I just wonder, and I know no one can mind read here, but I guess it is the replacement he most likely has, and he is distracted and filling the void/getting his supply, and also I ripped his mask off and perhaps he painted me black cause of it?

I also kind of feel like he said the "I don't love you, etc," cause he felt I was rejecting him and had some crazy knee jerk reaction and needed to be hurtful to me?

Just looking for opinions ( and once again, I know I should not care, but I do?  :'()

[ReneeMurphy523]

I broke up with my ex bf BPD a month and a half ago.  I have not heard anything.  I did block his number immediately after ending things, but I have not had him contact me through other channels.

Background: I broke up with him in early August.  I took him back in March after he had broken up with me last September.  He initially ended things almost a year ago. He begged me to come back six months later, and in that initial six month time of me doing NC he consistently contacted me. In that time he reengaged with his ex and had other relationships. 

After being hesitant and skeptical, I went back and nothing changed.   He proved to me he was exactly the same, but I thought maybe, just maybe there would be a slim chance it would be different. I tried again with him for another four months, but I got fed up and ended things.  I confronted him about things not changing and how I was unhappy, he replied with, "I think you have stronger feelings for me than I do you, and I don't love you,." ---- This coming from the person who wanted me back so bad, and was "mad " at himself for "botching things up."

I was pretty condeming when I broke up with him and told him, "I am not the problem in this relationship, and none of your other previous girlfriend's have been either. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!"  I called him out on his probable cheating.  He stared at the ground most of the time... .

He still has not contacted me, and I believe he found a replacement three weeks after this happened.  So, maybe that is my answer why he has not contacted, and I don't even know why I care?  Unfortunately, I wonder why he hasn't?  I should absolutely not care, at all, but a part of me does   

I just wonder, and I know no one can mind read here, but I guess it is the replacement he most likely has, and he is distracted and filling the void/getting his supply, and also I ripped his mask off and perhaps he painted me black cause of it?

I also kind of feel like he said the "I don't love you, etc," cause he felt I was rejecting him and had some crazy knee jerk reaction and needed to be hurtful to me?

Just looking for opinions ( and once again, I know I should not care, but I do?  :'()

[SGraham]

Its ok to care so much. That's probably why you are here, you are a caring person  . What you said about ripping off his mask really gets to the heart of it. You cut through the persona he so laboriously created. I think that is a a common reason why many of us are discarded, we either get to close to them or we remove their alter ego. I was discarded fir the first reason. Anyway, hang in there bud, we are here for ya.

Best wishes,

SG

[enlighten me]

Hi ReneeMurphy

I agree with SGraham you saw behind the mask. By calling him out and telling him he was the problem he knew he couldn't keep his mask on with you. You made him look at his actions and he didn't like this as it probably wasn't a comfortable thing to do. For some it is easier to run away from problems than to face them and you are now a reminder of these problems.

[StandingTall]

Does taking their mask off lead to them running to another relationship. My fiancee left me after i made her realize she was the one who was causing the problems and went rigth into another guys arms who stands for nothing she ever wanted.

[enlighten me]

The mask in my opinion serves two purposes. To portray to others who they want us to see and to hide from themselves who they really are.

By showing them who they really are you make them question themselves. They don't like the answers they find. They have two choices. To face it and deal with it or to run away. Fight or flight. The easy solution is to run.

[valet]

Does taking their mask off lead to them running to another relationship. My fiancee left me after i made her realize she was the one who was causing the problems and went rigth into another guys arms who stands for nothing she ever wanted.

Usually it does, but not always. It depends on the seriousness of your relationship and what your ex's values are.

It also depends on how you personally define 'another relationship'. What is a relationship to you? I think that this is a very serious and important question to ask.

[StandingTall]

from engaged to another guy who was a friend to us both seriousness i can only question because of my situatiion

[Tangy]

Ooo lots of good stuff in this thread.

I'm glad you were able to tell him that you are not the problem nor are his other girlfriends. I'm sure you didn't want it to come out like that, but when you are pushed and upset it's hard not to respond like that. I don't know about yours but mine is a pretty passive/silent abuser so it sucks when I would blow up because based on sheer passion I looked like the crazy one. But I do think you're right... .you got to the core of yanking off his mask and he cannot deal.

Mine wears a nice guy suit and I think when he cheated on me he even shocked himself... .and he was so angry with me after he cheated. And rather than coming to terms with what he did, he flipped it on me "you get in the way of me living my life" "I was delusional thinking I was ready to get back with you and get married" "I'm tired of being a nobody... .just your boyfriend, your fiancé, etc... ." He admitted to messing up, but wouldn't apologize or face fixing it. Too much has been revealed. And he was able to run and jump in the arms of the new girl where he is new and shiny and blameless so he can continue living in his good guy suit.


I can relate to you about longing for contact and validation... .but deep down I know I'm so much happier with him gone. Maybe you are too?

[Herodias]

Yes, I called mine out too! Yet the NPD in him probably loved the anger in me! He can pretend all he wants with the new supply, but that mask will slip- it's just a matter of time... .I wish mine as bored and unhappy but then I might have to deal with him. I keep telling myself it will all blow up when I'm good and healthy. One of my friends is in her 70's. Her ex is in the retirement home- state run! Keeps calling her non stop begging to come back! It was years ago when he ran off with his gf for 3 weeks thinking she would take him back. Even left his mother with her, who didn't speak English! She told him she would never take him back. For the longest time he would leave the home and walk to her house miles away! She'd call the police to come get him. They would think, poor guy with dementia- she said my ass! Lol he knows what hes doing!she feels sorry for him and wishes he wasn't calling. Finally he is in a hospital and she can block that number. She says it's very sad how people end up and she says you really don't want to see it when it happens. She sees mine ending up like this if he does t die first... .sad.

[ReneeMurphy523]

"He admitted to messing up, but wouldn't apologize or face fixing it. Too much has been revealed. And he was able to run and jump in the arms of the new girl where he is new and shiny and blameless so he can continue living in his good guy suit."

----Tangy, this is exactly how I think my ex has operated-me included. He cannot deal with what he does, but I feel he knows deep down what he is. He cannot cope with it though, and runs to the next girl and plays the knight in shining armour role :-/

As other posters have mentioned, maybe they run to a replacment faster when the previous significant other rips the mask off?  I am sure it depends on the BPD, but for my ex this sounds pretty accurate.  He cannot cope with what he is,and with a new person he can go back to pretending to be the person he perhaps wishes to be.

And you are so right, Herodias, I know his mask will slip in time with the new girl... .the clock is ticking... .as it was with me.  I saw red flags early on, but the mask definitely fell 9 months in.

It'a so interesting when I told him, "you are the problem in all your relationships, etc," his reply was, " You are just being mean now, and I could be mean back, too, but I won't be." I kind of just feel I left him speechless, cause he knew it was the truth, and like I mentioned he stared at the floor most of the time.

What is crazy is his accusing me of being "mean."  Really?  You begging me to come back and then turning around and telling me,"I don't love you, " isn't mean?   Not to mention all the other stuff he put me through.

But I guess that is his coping.  Deflecting, projecting, denial.  He cannot deal with himself, so it becomes everyone else's issue.

I suppose I could look at him now, as maybe he is scared of me, cause I know?  It also worries me though, cause when you un-mask someone like that, they really lay into the smear campaign.  I do have faith though, that the people that know me and him mutually, won't buy it.  Maybe his own friends, but people that know me as well, won't totally believe him.

[ReneeMurphy523]

I also forgot to mention that I said to him,"Well I do love you and care about you, that is why I came back and I am here right now."  I also told him,"You ripped my heart out and crushed it, and then begged me to come back, and I did. Now you are sitting here telling me, you don't love me?" 

When I said these things he broke down.  I do think this geniunely did affect him, it was not manipulation or crocodle tears.  It was a reminder to him that he is once again squandering and pushing away someone who loves him and cares.  Also a reminder of how much he hurts others.  Ultimately, he cannot confront that in himself though, and resorts to the same self-sabotaging behaviors and hurtful actions and words, that push everyone who cares about him away... .

He then will latch on to the shiny, new person who does not know him.  He can pretend to be this great person with the new person, but he will inevitably repeat the same pattern... .

He even confided in me once, "I am sorry I hurt you.  You scare the crap out of me. ( Not sure why?) I always ruin my relationships." 

From my experience there seems to be these little moments of reflection and clarity with the BPD, but then they, like clockwork,  go back to their self destructive and hurtful ways  :'(

[enlighten me]

Hi Renee

I never had any moments of clarity or self reflection from my exs. The nearest I got was my exgf saying you don't understand how Im feeling. I see now that she was trying to tell me something but it was so vague and got lost in the rest of the screaming.

It sounds as if by putting together his behaviour it is helping you to detach. Is that how it feels for you?

[Tangy]

I also forgot to mention that I said to him,"Well I do love you and care about you, that is why I came back and I am here right now."  I also told him,"You ripped my heart out and crushed it, and then begged me to come back, and I did. Now you are sitting here telling me, you don't love me?" 

When I said these things he broke down.  I do think this geniunely did affect him, it was not manipulation or crocodle tears.  It was a reminder to him that he is once again squandering and pushing away someone who loves him and cares.  Also a reminder of how much he hurts others.  Ultimately, he cannot confront that in himself though, and resorts to the same self-sabotaging behaviors and hurtful actions and words, that push everyone who cares about him away... .

He then will latch on to the shiny, new person who does not know him.  He can pretend to be this great person with the new person, but he will inevitably repeat the same pattern... .

He even confided in me once, "I am sorry I hurt you.  You scare the crap out of me. ( Not sure why?) I always ruin my relationships." 

From my experience there seems to be these little moments of reflection and clarity with the BPD, but then they, like clockwork,  go back to their self destructive and hurtful ways  :'(

That is interesting. When I reminded mine of him coming back and convincing me how much he had learned and how he knew better now... .he told me "I was living in a delusion." The I being him, and the delusion being that he was ready to come back to me. Mine lives in this world where he's just not ready for me... .and where he just has to find out about this other girl before we can ride of into the sunset together... .it's been our narrative for most of our time together since after the honeymoon period. He can maintain this because I am his first long term relationship so these patterns haven't occurred before for him... .(although he admitted that by breaking off our engagement he would likely eventually have to say whatif about me the way he did about her most of our relationship). But I feel like I know him better than he knows himself . Say I allowed him to recycle me if and when this thing with the new girl doesn't work out... .in his mind he thinks he will now have peace of mind to move forward... .no... .we would probably make it down the aisle... .but eventually he'd meet someone new just through happenstance and then he wouldn't be able to live without "knowing what could be between them" any female attention he gets he has to push to maximum capacity because he's so empty... .anyway that was a rant... .but more than anything all this aside... .I can't deal with his selfishness, inability to empathize, unpredictable moods, etc... .

Mine didn't break down. He just said "I've hurt you too much" "you deserve someone to treat you better" etc... .and I know deep down he feels those things but they just seems so insincere because there's no heart felt apology with them. That would make him to vulnerable. He has to continue to remain detached and "not loving me" so he can just leave so that later in life "I don't leave him after he helps me with student loans" (his way of saying without saying he is afraid of me abandoning him)

But anyway Renee, I hope you are getting to a good place where life may be more peaceful without him around. I am able to see the beauty in each day. I miss his good side, but live most of the time with people who are predictably good sided and it is peaceful. I am really coming to see the importance of choosing wisely who we allow to remain in our lives. I hope you have a great Friday <3

[Herodias]

Mine always told me that I was being mean too! Projection! I knew it and agreed with him,