How did your T help you?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone,

I started seeing my Therapist about 6 months before officially walking away from my ex and seriously went NC. The reason I got a therapist in the first place was because I was in a constant state of anxiety and confusion and had constant thoughts of my then BPD boyfriend liking other women more than me. I thought I was irrationally jealous and wanted not to be. After a couple of months I realised I didnt feel the way I did because of my own issues (not not entirely) it was actually because he wouldn't spend time with me, he would say inappropiate things to other girls and tell me I was twisting things and overreacting, he would make comments about his other ex's and compare them to me, threaten to meet them if he was angry with me or I didnt give him what he wanted. I now cant believe I was so blinded and blamed myself for being irrational and seeked help to change myself when actually my feelings were a normal reaction to his hurtful behaviour.

Months after ending it officially I am still finding myself ruminating alot of the time. About the relationship in general and  question myself on whether something really did happen the way I remember it. I know he told another girl he loved her while he was in a relationship with someone else he claimed to be the love of his life. I know this because I had seen this conversation on social media. I find it too hard to believe that he could do that. I recognise that while I was in a relationship with him he fitted 90% of the behaviours of an abusive person. At the same time I don't believe it or can't accept this as truth.

Did anyone else experience this?

Sometimes I go from wondering how I ended up with such an awful person (im not saying all people with BPD are awful but my ex wasnt a nice person BPD or not) to feeling sorry for him and wanting to help him. I find it hard to stay angry at him which I think is because im in denial... did anyone else go through this?

Sorry this went slightly off topic!

My point was in what way did your therapist help you?

Mine has helped me realise the reality that I was with someone controlling/manipulative/gaslighter and that I had low self esteem which caused me to stay longer than I should have. I want to learn more but i feel stuck at the moment.

[klacey3]

Hi everyone,

I started seeing my Therapist about 6 months before officially walking away from my ex and seriously went NC. The reason I got a therapist in the first place was because I was in a constant state of anxiety and confusion and had constant thoughts of my then BPD boyfriend liking other women more than me. I thought I was irrationally jealous and wanted not to be. After a couple of months I realised I didnt feel the way I did because of my own issues (not not entirely) it was actually because he wouldn't spend time with me, he would say inappropiate things to other girls and tell me I was twisting things and overreacting, he would make comments about his other ex's and compare them to me, threaten to meet them if he was angry with me or I didnt give him what he wanted. I now cant believe I was so blinded and blamed myself for being irrational and seeked help to change myself when actually my feelings were a normal reaction to his hurtful behaviour.

Months after ending it officially I am still finding myself ruminating alot of the time. About the relationship in general and  question myself on whether something really did happen the way I remember it. I know he told another girl he loved her while he was in a relationship with someone else he claimed to be the love of his life. I know this because I had seen this conversation on social media. I find it too hard to believe that he could do that. I recognise that while I was in a relationship with him he fitted 90% of the behaviours of an abusive person. At the same time I don't believe it or can't accept this as truth.

Did anyone else experience this?

Sometimes I go from wondering how I ended up with such an awful person (im not saying all people with BPD are awful but my ex wasnt a nice person BPD or not) to feeling sorry for him and wanting to help him. I find it hard to stay angry at him which I think is because im in denial... did anyone else go through this?

Sorry this went slightly off topic!

My point was in what way did your therapist help you?

Mine has helped me realise the reality that I was with someone controlling/manipulative/gaslighter and that I had low self esteem which caused me to stay longer than I should have. I want to learn more but i feel stuck at the moment.

[Michelle27]

I started seeing my therapist 7 months before finally ending things with my ex.  She helped me work through my own part in the relationship... .having no boundaries and allowing myself to be treated the way I was while making excuses.  She also helped me work on the reasons for my resentments (not angry at him like I thought but at myself for allowing the situation to get to where it did).  When I first started, it was to get help leaving behind the anger and resentments I thought were towards my now ex.  Doing the work on me that I needed to do got me to realize this relationship needed to be over and I needed to move forward.  It gave me the strength to do that.

[myself]

Mine helped me learn to stop walking on eggshells.

To see that my boundaries are positives not negatives.

To let go/grieve in ways that are productive and healthy.

[joeramabeme]

I have seen a number of therapists and while I think they are helpful, I have found reading about BPD far better.  I just completed Stop Caretaking the Borderline.  This is an outstanding book if you are a caretaker and addresses a large range of issues about you as a NON.

After reading, I educate the therapsit who can then gear some of their spiel towards my circumstances.  But if I did not mentor them, it would be extremely frustrating for me.

[HappyNihilist]

Great question, klacey!

My therapist has helped me in so many ways. She quickly figured out the best ways to get me to learn and to express myself, and then personalized activities and CBT tools for me. Because of this, I started consistently using them and eventually they became natural for me. She guided me into a real understanding of my core wounds. I've come to a place of acceptance and peace with one of them, and have started really digging into the other, which is the biggie. I actually have self-esteem and contentment now, which is lovely.

Sometimes I go from wondering how I ended up with such an awful person (im not saying all people with BPD are awful but my ex wasnt a nice person BPD or not) to feeling sorry for him and wanting to help him. I find it hard to stay angry at him which I think is because im in denial... did anyone else go through this?

That kind of emotional 'flip-flopping' is pretty common after disordered relationships. Your mind and psyche have to process through some painful, complex emotions, memories, and realizations.

Anger is healthy and a key part of the grieving and detaching process, but it's ok not to be able to 'stay angry' at your ex. We heal how we heal - and it takes a while.

When you say that you think you're in denial, what in particular do you feel like you're in denial of?

Mine has helped me realise the reality that I was with someone controlling/manipulative/gaslighter and that I had low self esteem which caused me to stay longer than I should have. I want to learn more but i feel stuck at the moment.

You're doing good work - these are important realizations. Feeling stuck just happens sometimes. Believe me, I've been stuck a few times on my journey.

Maybe starting to dig more into your low self-esteem would help get you unstuck. Don't feel pressured to try to 'solve' everything - just sit with yourself and start asking some questions. Where might your low self-esteem have come from? In what ways did it lead you to stay with your ex? What other impacts has it had on your life?

You said that part of you still wants to help your ex. Is there a pattern of helping/fixing in your life? This often goes along with low self-esteem.

Keep up the good work. 

[klacey3]

Great question, klacey!

My therapist has helped me in so many ways. She quickly figured out the best ways to get me to learn and to express myself, and then personalized activities and CBT tools for me. Because of this, I started consistently using them and eventually they became natural for me. She guided me into a real understanding of my core wounds. I've come to a place of acceptance and peace with one of them, and have started really digging into the other, which is the biggie. I actually have self-esteem and contentment now, which is lovely.

Sometimes I go from wondering how I ended up with such an awful person (im not saying all people with BPD are awful but my ex wasnt a nice person BPD or not) to feeling sorry for him and wanting to help him. I find it hard to stay angry at him which I think is because im in denial... did anyone else go through this?

That kind of emotional 'flip-flopping' is pretty common after disordered relationships. Your mind and psyche have to process through some painful, complex emotions, memories, and realizations.

Anger is healthy and a key part of the grieving and detaching process, but it's ok not to be able to 'stay angry' at your ex. We heal how we heal - and it takes a while.

When you say that you think you're in denial, what in particular do you feel like you're in denial of?

Mine has helped me realise the reality that I was with someone controlling/manipulative/gaslighter and that I had low self esteem which caused me to stay longer than I should have. I want to learn more but i feel stuck at the moment.

You're doing good work - these are important realizations. Feeling stuck just happens sometimes. Believe me, I've been stuck a few times on my journey.

Maybe starting to dig more into your low self-esteem would help get you unstuck. Don't feel pressured to try to 'solve' everything - just sit with yourself and start asking some questions. Where might your low self-esteem have come from? In what ways did it lead you to stay with your ex? What other impacts has it had on your life?

You said that part of you still wants to help your ex. Is there a pattern of helping/fixing in your life? This often goes along with low self-esteem.

Keep up the good work. 

Thank you everyone for your replies. It was interesting reading your experiences.

HappyNihilist - glad to hear you have contentment and self esteem now. It seems alot of nons on this site had self esteem issues before dating their disordered partner.

I think i am in denial of the fact that he is an abusive person that  never loved me for who i was, that he used me for personal gain and that he is a serial cheater. In reality I know he cheated on his other girlfriends even on ones he claimed to be madly in love with. Yet I find it hard to accept. I also find it too hard to believe that he didnt know or wasnt deliberately treating me badly. He insulted me and really dug into my insecurities even when he knew at the time of when he was, that I was looking after a really really ill family member. He also has told me post breakup that he is going on a weekend away with a girl and taking her out all day and he wont be watching any sport. When I went on a weekend away with him for a weekend he didnt want to do anything other than watch football the entire day. He got what he wanted. He also said he was taking a girl on a date to *place name* which is where I always wanted to go with him to but never did. The fact he is telling me this means he knew he wasnt being a very good boyfriend to me when i was with him and shows he knows it bothered me yet didnt care to do anything about it.  Also shows he is wants to hurt me.

Those are just a few examples. There are alot more. But despite all of them, I find it hard to accept that he is just a nasty person that tries and likes me to suffer. After a short period of anger it switches to pity for him or wanting to 'fix'.

Yes I do have caretaker qualities I think. I actually work in healthcare too. Sometimes when I talk about him to my T she tells me that I sound like I am talking about a patient.

And thank you for your nice words I am going to try to carry on with my journey. What helped you when you were stuck?

[Madison66]

Hi!

I'm nearly 2 years removed from a 3+ year r/s with NPD w/ strong BPD traits ex gf.  We sought out couples T about halfway through the r/s and not surprisingly, my ex gf boogied from the process when the T started addressing her NPD and BPD traits.  I continued with that T all the while she was advising me that it was her assessment that my ex gf would not change or seek counseling.  I worked on my own co-dependency issues and a bunch of FOO stuff along with building healthy boundaries.  Things continued to get worse in the r/s especially with me enforcing boundaries and attempting to take care of myself.  I finally walked away after the emotional abuse worsened and after two instances of physical abuse.

Once I was out of the r/s and had established hard and fast n/c, I was able to really focus on "me".  That was the greatest way my T helped me.  I made some missteps along the way, but I finally saw the light in regards to my people pleasing traits and how I wasn't being my best for the loved ones and friends in my life.  My life changed and so did my r/s (plural).  I began dating people who were healthy and shared my values.  I've been in a committed r/s for about a year with a wonderful non PD lady who constantly surprises me with her love and kindness.  We are buying a home together and planning our lives together.  Life has truly changed!

So, focusing inward and learning that I must take care of myself first to be the best for my loved ones and friends are the two most powerful areas my T helped me!  It's been a long road getting here for sure!