Post natal turns to BPD after 20 years

[taco]

Where to start ... .my mother is BPD and she was diagnosed about 3 years ago (i'm 23 now). The way she describes it is that she fell pregnant with me, never wanted me, never loved me until I was 4 years old and she struggled with post natal depression which ultimately led to BPD 20 years later.

Not sure how legitimate this explanation is but it's what she's always told me.

I guess I'm on here following advise from a friend because I need to feel that I'm not alone.

Everyone in my life is trying to lead me to believe that the way my mother treats me is completely irrational and abusive. To an extend, I believe them, but she is my mother; I love her, and I think I need to reach out to others in my situation so that I know I'm not alone. I'm just confused.

Additionally, my father pretty much raised me completely due to mums mental health. We are very close as a result; however, he will always take her side in all our arguments because "shes going through a hard time" and "we need to support her", despite the horrid things she says to me. This is upsetting, because my dad is one of my best friends and its horrible when he can't see things from my point of view because he's purely supporting his BPD wife.

So that's my introduction!

[AsGoodAsItGets]

so sad.  Sorry.  Its hard having a care giver with such hurt and anger, supported by mental illness towards a child.  please tell us more.  what is your fathers and mother relationship like.  Do you have any other siblings.  Are their small moments, however short between you and your mother?  If their was one thing you could do to improve yourself what would it be.

[taco]

Thank you so much for your reply.

Mum and dad's relationship is very wavy ... .he's incredibly supportive of her (sometimes too supportive ... .he enables a lot of her behaviors) but he does reach breaking point from time to time when he's had enough about the way she treats us. He does a lot for her, he'll do anything that she asks of him and unfortunately that's quite a lot. I definitely think that she takes him for granted because he will bend over backwards for her. This also means though that he'll assist her in a sense with her self-destructive behaviors - she's addicted to sleeping pills and he rarely addresses this, unless it reaches a point where shes putting herself and others at risk of harm (cutting her arms, or the other day, she drove her car and had 3 accidents!).

I have one younger brother, he's 20 and he doesn't have a positive relationship with mum at all. He's left home a few times to escape, he's currently living out of home and he rarely makes contact with her. This is because if he does, she argues with him and criticizes him to a point where he wants nothing to do with her. He doesn't put on an act like I do and put up with it.

There are small moments ... .last week she asked me for a hug which totally threw me off guard! And we had an argument a couple of weeks ago where I wasn't backing down and she called me some horrible things, I ended up walking out bawling and she came after me after about 5 minutes and apologized. So I think she does recognize her behavior at times and tries to amend it ... .unfortunately it's only after major "blow ups" and she doesn't see the small things that she does on a day to day basis. But I am grateful that she tries sometimes.

If there was one thing to improve myself ... .I think it would be to cut down my eagerness to please. I do a lot for my family to keep the peace and make sure that everything's okay which ultimately puts the spotlight on everyone else and when I'm suffering, I keep it to myself because I want to keep everyone else happy. I think it would be nice to change that.

[HappyChappy]

Spooky, in that that was the exact same excuse my BPD mom gave – post natal depression. I think back when our BPD mom’s need an excuses for their behaviour, that probably was best fit. A BPD will always project blame away  - our BPD didn’t have post natal with her golden child, just her other “unwanted” kids.

And oddly our BPD was always a pain in the ass, before during and after pregnancies. Admittily more so with pregnancy, but she made it clear she resented having to sweat for us. Any hoo, welcome to our family, would be interested in hearing other stories. You do speek about wanting to help your BPD mom, but she's an adult with a husband to help, what about yourself ? What do you need ?  

[LavaMeetsSea]

Welcome!

That's not how BPD develops. Not that I'm an expert on the aetiology of personality disorders or anything, but your mother would've shown demonstrable symptoms before she hit puberty, much less got pregnant with you.  One of those symptoms, mind you, being an inability to see herself or the consequences of her own actions clearly.  You did not make your mother sick.  She's been sick for decades.  It's more likely to work the other way around.

Look... .if everything wrong with her is your fault, then she never has to change.  You get how that helps her, right?  But if everything wrong with her is YOUR fault, then all you have to do is be the perfect _____, and everything gets all better.  This is a lie that is doing something for you, too.  It gives you a false sense of control and agency, and the fantasy that you played more of a role in your mother's thoughts and actions than is likely given her diagnosis.  Until you let go of this obviously silly, but still very damaging belief, it's probably going to be hard to let go of anything else - like your completely undeserved guilt.

Seriously - everyone with a BPD mother I've ever met has been told we're the ones that made our mothers sick.  Then we talk to people that knew our mothers when they were children.  The damage may not have been inked in permanently back then, but believe me, it was already visible by the time they were in school.  Sad, but not our faults!  And often, as a way of overcompensating or differentiating ourselves from them, we try to empathize with and enable the most volatile member of what become OUR childhood traumas.  Tend and befriend is as instinctive as flight or fight, and it sounds like this is what your father learned to do and is still doing.  Only he's stuck now, placating an often mean and irrational woman, at the expense of his own children's emotional welfare.  Does this bother you?  For his sake?  For yours?  Is it possible that the relationship you are really afraid of losing isn't the one you have with your mother, so much as the one you have with your father?

People who weren't raised in abusive environments - my husband and it sounds like your friends - have a really hard time understanding what they see as our Stockholming.  To them, it feels like they are being asked not to say or do anything while someone they love gets repeatedly bludgeoned.  Which, frankly, is true.  And vicariously traumatizing for them.  They empathize with us, we get hurt, they get hurt just watching.  So it makes sense that they'd either decide to pull away, or they would ask you to pull away from the source of the blows.  I know it must seem like the last thing you need is more people who've never been there telling you what to do or think, but I'm GLAD you have these friends trying to protect you.  I wish your father had.  I hope this site makes it easier for you to do so yourself.  Did something specific happen that led to them doing an informal intervention, or has this been simmering for a while?

[taco]

Very, very interesting perspectives! I apologise for taking so long to reply but hearing (reading) things put in a totally different way to how I've known them has taken some time to comprehend!

Mum has always told me that it's my fault she's sick ... .I've coped with this over the years by telling myself that it wasn't my choice to be born and I could be the most incredible person and she would still blame me. I know that there's nothing I could've done about it, especially as a child. But it's every interesting to hear that she's only saying that to shift the blame ... .I completely agree. She's always the victim and everyone hates her (had to put this in here ... .she's just posted a status update to Facebook saying that her entire family hates her and the world isn't fair. Nothing like hanging your dirty laundry out in public!)

I do think I am scared of losing or damaging my relationship with my father. For example, we had an argument last night because mum is blaming me for not mending the recent (4-5 months) between her and her mother. Dad also agrees that this is my responsibility to mend. I'm not quite sure what they expect of me, but I can't wave a magic wand and intervening in other people arguments, never mind my own families, shouldn't be my responsibility just because they're too stubborn. Correct me if I'm wrong, please.

I also completely relate to the last paragraph, in terms of the people who love me suffering to see me go through this. I read this to my partner (we both live in my parents granny flat, although he works away 2 weeks out of 3). He completely understood and expressed so much gratitude that someone was able to put it in such an appropriate manner. The last time my friends approached me about it was a while back, but we have grown distant since then. I think it was a case of them offering me advice after seeing me at times completely destroyed.

What I need is a nurturing mother really! Thankfully my partner is one of 4 kids and his parents are amazingly warm and friendly ... .I see them at any opportunity I can.

[HappyChappy]

Dad also agrees that this is my responsibility to mend... .shouldn't be my responsibility just because they're too stubborn. Correct me if I'm wrong, please.

What I need is a nurturing mother really! Thankfully my partner is one of 4 kids and his parents are amazingly warm and friendly ... .I see them at any opportunity I can.

You're not wrong, it isn't your responsibility. But a BPD needs a dog to kick, to project the blame onto and if that's been you they will want you to go back in post. If your Dad has stayed with a BPD long term, then he'll have no choise but to do as he's told. He sounds like a "flying monkey" i.e. an supporter of the BPD willing to do her work (or he'll suffer consquences). I know my dad always though if he did as he was told that would shut the Whitch up. It just bought him a few minutes peace, that's all.

It's great you have a warm and friendly other family. I know where I'd spend my time.  

[LavaMeetsSea]

Elie Wiesel wrote a passage in "Night" about watching his father be too sick to stand up straight in either Auschwitz or Buchenwald, I forget, and being beaten by a security guard.  He wrote with great shame that in that moment, the anger he felt was not at the guard doing the beating, but at his father for not complying.  Think about that for a second, because it is an insightful picture of a very, very common dynamic experienced by a Nobel Peace Prize recipient in a situation with as little moral ambiguity as any I've ever heard of.

We are all programmed to survive.  Who is it safe to be angry at?  The violent guy with a stick?  The wife with the explosive temper?  Or the one that can't hit back?  The sick father too weak to stand, the daughter too enmeshed to refuse?  Who is it safe to hold responsible in your family?  What does that have to do with who is at fault?

Lastly, as for needing a nurturing mother, depending where you live, that's not as hard a need to address as people think it is.  It's not going to be the same, but you can and it sounds like you already ARE finding better alternatives.  You might get something out of re-approaching your old friends with your new perspective, too.  I'm also a huge fan of therapy, which is pretty much a big dose of suspiciously maternal affection plus learning to articulate everything, which is helpful.