Burning with sadness

[Tangy]

  everyone,

I haven't been on here much the past two weeks. I've been feeling really good. Everything in my life is really good minus my breakup. It will be 2 months here in a few days (not the first breakup)

I'm burning with sadness because I feel like my lover has died. We were in many ways like the same person. We have a million things in common (and it wasn't the case of him mirroring me to pretend... .we me because of two of our mutual interests). And now I'm continuing my life with all of those very same interests... .just without him. I don't want to get too specific just to keep anonymity (even though the likelihood of anyone ever finding this is slim). And the sad thing is right before we broke up we were planning this life together to do all of these things. We had some very specific plans... .many of which I am continuing on with without him. And they are reminding me of him. One night he was in love with me talking about how we get to spend the rest of our lives doing things together (we were in the middle of planning a wedding)... .he even told the girl he is with now how much we had together and how we were in a good place... .then next he broke up with me after confessing making out with that girl after she admitted having feelings for him.

He cannot tolerate options. It's too much for his emotional dysregulation... .so he behaved in a way that was sure to cut me off as an option... .he was cruel (after a long streak of being loving) and he abandoned me and disappeared. And now they are together. It's crazy because I really like the person I am and the person I am becoming and I cannot fathom choosing someone else over me. (Not because I'm being narcy but because of how much we had in common and our three years together as well as planning our wedding).

But I know I deserve more than to be an option and to have to look forward to loving and kind streaks. I deserve someone who can control their emotional state and who can actively stay committed to me without all of the whatifs that he needs to try to keep his bucket full (even though there's a hole in it). He told me I deserve someone that will treat me better than he has... .and although that's supposed to make me feel better it doesn't. All I hear is that he didn't want to try.

A coworker came in while I was writing this and I started to cry. She gave good advice. She said, imagine this is a show that has ended and it ends on a cliff hanger. You can't stay in that state forever, eventually you need to make up your own ending. I told her I believe he is so full of shame and cowardice that he can't face me. He'd rather pretend everything is okay and ride on the coat tails of the honeymoon phase of his new relationship. I believe that even if he regretted it he would never tell me because he hates to be wrong or admit fault or apologize, so he will stew in it and let the best thing in his life walk away forever than be humble and admit he has a problem. I'm never going to understand why he pushed me away like this.

Not sure if I really have a question, just looking for general feedback/support.

[StandingTall]

Same story with me, same feelings and the only advice i have is realize your better than him and you deserve balance and not a flight risk.

[Conundrum]

Hi, I'm sorry that you're suffering. It sounds as if you are in mourning, and that's ok. We've all felt that, because many of us grew very close to the disordered person we loved.

With mourning, there are many aspects to come to grips with. One aspect, that many have trouble with though really is a distraction. e.g. that they (pwBPD) quickly attach to another. That is their nature. It is never a reflection on what either you or the relationship meant to them. While it hurts, a river always flows downhill and for those left behind it is best to remain a tree that bends, but does not break. That is why it is beneficial that you keep enjoying the activities that are meaningful to you--because he doesn't define your essence.

The true aspect of mourning beyond the distraction of the replacement--is acceptance of the disorder and what it means to be involved with a disordered person. A disordered person and a relationship with them can be a beautiful experience, but one fraught with perils beyond ordered relationships. The highs are transcendent but these relationships are often transitory in the traditional sense.

These people are subject to fluctuations that cannot be defined by logic. It is only normal that when you love someone and desire a form of lasting permanence with them that aspirations within the heart arise. But if there is one lesson we must learn here is that there is a reason why this is a debilitating condition for people with BPD. They struggle mightily with relational constancy, and it is one of the defining elements in their lives. To love a person with BPD means accepting that they are relationally capricious, while still being capable of extremely deep feeling. That does not mean that the relationship was fake or illusory. It simply means that they are disordered.

Consequently, mourning is accepting that while our dreams of congruent relational stability were illusory--our feelings (and theirs too) were as real as anything that can be felt between two people romantically inclined. There is real peace in understanding this, bc you will not feel shame, anger or regret over your experience. You will come to see that this is their nature and it can be improved upon via evidence based treatments. Without that they remain swirling storms.

It sounds as if you experienced some great highs in you relationship and perhaps love. It simply did not last. There are worse things in the world. Accepting that your x-partner is disordered and mourning the transitory nature of life leads to a lasting sense of completeness from within. For we all must build meaningful lives that are not dependent upon attachments. They are the icing on the cake--but never the cake. I hope your cake is extraordinary. Peace.    

[SGraham]

Im sorry tangy, it's hard when you are moving on with your life, doing all the things you love but it feels so empty because they arent there. Im there too. Best wishes and hugs,

SG

[hopealways]

Tangy, we all feel you and have been in the same position. All our stories are the same as is our grief.  But it does get better trust me. With time you will heal and be even stronger and happier than before.

[rotiroti]

Hello Tangy,

I want to commend the progress you have made since you've joined. Many of us felt that sense of grief and loss during the detachment phase.

As my 20's ended, I realized that while similarities are great, it's in how we deal with the differences with a partner that is far more important. My BPDexfiancee was someone who I have known for 10 years and we shared many interests from music, food, and culture. When I walked away from the r/s I was devastated. The grief I felt wasn't the loss of her, but rather the loss of the r/s. It was something that I had held close to my heart for many years and just like the happiness of those years, it hurt a lot more... .

I can promise you that it does get better, and getting better doesn't mean forgetting what happened in the past. Even now I can recall many lovely memories without the hurt, and no one can take that away from us.

Marriage or anything in the long run is an incredibly important decision. Did I love my ex? Certainly, and I still care for her greatly but I also cherish my goals and life just as much. I think I would've been a trace of a man had I made the decision to stay.

... and you know what? You sound like you have many lovely people in your life, I would love to have such an insightful and caring co-worker

Keep working on you,


RotiRoti/NeverAgainThanks

[Tangy]

Hi, I'm sorry that you're suffering. It sounds as if you are in mourning, and that's ok. We've all felt that, because many of us grew very close to the disordered person we loved.

With mourning, there are many aspects to come to grips with. One aspect, that many have trouble with though really is a distraction. e.g. that they (pwBPD) quickly attach to another. That is their nature. It is never a reflection on what either you or the relationship meant to them. While it hurts, a river always flows downhill and for those left behind it is best to remain a tree that bends, but does not break. That is why it is beneficial that you keep enjoying the activities that are meaningful to you--because he doesn't define your essence.

The true aspect of mourning beyond the distraction of the replacement--is acceptance of the disorder and what it means to be involved with a disordered person. A disordered person and a relationship with them can be a beautiful experience, but one fraught with perils beyond ordered relationships. The highs are transcendent but these relationships are often transitory in the traditional sense.

These people are subject to fluctuations that cannot be defined by logic. It is only normal that when you love someone and desire a form of lasting permanence with them that aspirations within the heart arise. But if there is one lesson we must learn here is that there is a reason why this is a debilitating condition for people with BPD. They struggle mightily with relational constancy, and it is one of the defining elements in their lives. To love a person with BPD means accepting that they are relationally capricious, while still being capable of extremely deep feeling. That does not mean that the relationship was fake or illusory. It simply means that they are disordered.

Consequently, mourning is accepting that while our dreams of congruent relational stability were illusory--our feelings (and theirs too) were as real as anything that can be felt between two people romantically inclined. There is real peace in understanding this, bc you will not feel shame, anger or regret over your experience. You will come to see that this is their nature and it can be improved upon via evidence based treatments. Without that they remain swirling storms.

It sounds as if you experienced some great highs in you relationship and perhaps love. It simply did not last. There are worse things in the world. Accepting that your x-partner is disordered and mourning the transitory nature of life leads to a lasting sense of completeness from within. For we all must build meaningful lives that are not dependent upon attachments. They are the icing on the cake--but never the cake. I hope your cake is extraordinary. Peace.

Thank you for your kind words. I think acceptance of the disorder is the hardest part. Because accepting the disorder -----> the end. Because although I'm strong, I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I grew up in chaos and I don't want to live like that for my adult life. And therefore, even if he comes back... .the answer still has to be no. And I guess I spent the entire relationship focusing on "the real him" which to me is the unbroken, loving kind version of him. And I spent so much time trying to get him to see it. But if he doesn't want healing, he doesn't want healing. He is a very quiet BPD... .he fits the criteria but not the raging impulsive behavior, or self harm... .so it makes it harder to convince myself this is something that wont change over time. But he has had difficulty relationally his whole life and most people he just keeps shallow relationships... .even me... .after three years... .I feel like I don't truly know his core... .he never admits vulnerability, he behaves with detachment to avoid it. But he's gone... .and I have to accept that its forever. And I miss the love that was there. . But again... .I truly truly truly appreciate your kindness.

Im sorry tangy, it's hard when you are moving on with your life, doing all the things you love but it feels so empty because they arent there. Im there too. Best wishes and hugs,

SG

Yes it is. But its all I can do. I know the version of him that loves me wants me to be happy... .and I know that I want and deserve to be as well. I really feel like I have to pretend he died.

Tangy, we all feel you and have been in the same position. All our stories are the same as is our grief.  But it does get better trust me. With time you will heal and be even stronger and happier than before.

Thank you <3

Yes, being here definitely helps me feel validated and understood.

Hello Tangy,

I want to commend the progress you have made since you've joined. Many of us felt that sense of grief and loss during the detachment phase.

As my 20's ended, I realized that while similarities are great, it's in how we deal with the differences with a partner that is far more important. My BPDexfiancee was someone who I have known for 10 years and we shared many interests from music, food, and culture. When I walked away from the r/s I was devastated. The grief I felt wasn't the loss of her, but rather the loss of the r/s. It was something that I had held close to my heart for many years and just like the happiness of those years, it hurt a lot more... .

I can promise you that it does get better, and getting better doesn't mean forgetting what happened in the past. Even now I can recall many lovely memories without the hurt, and no one can take that away from us.

Marriage or anything in the long run is an incredibly important decision. Did I love my ex? Certainly, and I still care for her greatly but I also cherish my goals and life just as much. I think I would've been a trace of a man had I made the decision to stay.

... and you know what? You sound like you have many lovely people in your life, I would love to have such an insightful and caring co-worker

Keep working on you,


RotiRoti/NeverAgainThanks

Thank you RR. What you said about "I cherish my life and my goals just as much" is so spot on. And when he's in his good state he supports them and even wants to be a part of it... .but when he turns... .I am always devastated and on the floor and everything goes to the wayside... .and now 2 months out I am able to give my energy to other things that are important to me. I cannot be in a relationship  that squashes me. This is how I should be feeling while IN a relationship. Life shouldn't get better after the person you love is gone... .but my life truly is so much better without all of this push pull nonsense. I really wish he could be here and be a part of it, but he's living in denial.

Same story with me, same feelings and the only advice i have is realize your better than him and you deserve balance and not a flight risk.

Yes. Thank you for taking time to reply <3

[Corgicuddler95]

I guess its a common story. I had a powerful loving relationship for over 15 months and I stuck with my partner for some really tough times she had. But the last 2/3 months of the relationship she made me feel worthless, unwanted and less important than her friends online she had never even met. The relationship only ended in July but the partnership ended months earlier.

I had thought about breaking up with her for a bit but was hoping once she had moved closer it would be easier. I'm just dealing with the confusion of why it was she dropped me and why she did with so little respect (over facebook and pretended it was a "break", I know I deserved better than that treatment.

[Tangy]

I guess its a common story. I had a powerful loving relationship for over 15 months and I stuck with my partner for some really tough times she had. But the last 2/3 months of the relationship she made me feel worthless, unwanted and less important than her friends online she had never even met. The relationship only ended in July but the partnership ended months earlier.

I had thought about breaking up with her for a bit but was hoping once she had moved closer it would be easier. I'm just dealing with the confusion of why it was she dropped me and why she did with so little respect (over facebook and pretended it was a "break", I know I deserved better than that treatment.

Thanks CC. I just replied to your thread as well.You are right, you deserve better treatment. I think they know that too which is why they do it over FB/Text/whatever. They split you, so in a way you become dehumanized and they selfishly engage in bad behavior... .and then they don't know what to do with it... .and they feel guilt... .but they want what they want... .and so... .they just try to deal with it... .but ultimately suck at it. But it had nothing to do with you... .and there was nothing you could have done to cause her to adore you and cherish you... .Its just like asking a colorblind person to appreciate the whole spectrum of colors... .its just impossible... .the mechanism to do so isn't there. And I think that's the hard part. I am 2 months out as well... .and this week is the first time I've started radically accepting who he is. Because doing this means... .even if he comes back... .I cant take him back... .because he is who he is... .no amount of wishing or projecting is going to make him better... .he'd have to do the work... .and that could take a lot of time... .and who knows if he'd even stay committed. Radical Acceptance... .its a b___... .but I think its the only way fully out of the FOG.