I had Bi-Polar, OCD and anxiety before BPgf... anyone else?

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Before my relationship with my BPgf, I had struggled for years with Bi-Polar and anxiety issues.

I have been on Meds of all different flavors for all those years and still am.

I am so confused as to how much of the unrelenting terrible feelings are attributed to the break up and how much has to do with my mental health issues.

I know there is no real answer, I just wondered if others are dealing with this.

[Rameses]

Before my relationship with my BPgf, I had struggled for years with Bi-Polar and anxiety issues.

I have been on Meds of all different flavors for all those years and still am.

I am so confused as to how much of the unrelenting terrible feelings are attributed to the break up and how much has to do with my mental health issues.

I know there is no real answer, I just wondered if others are dealing with this.

[mango_flower]

Hi,

I had OCD as a child (moderate, as in, it kept me off of school for weeks, and stopped me doing stuff, but I'd always find a way AROUND it, so I still lived my life).  I also have suffered depression in the past, and anxiety, but never actually been diagnosed with the anxiety part.

The OCD has definitely kicked back up a notch (after almost disappearing for years) since she left - I now have horribly annoying tics where I have to make certain movements with my fingers, to the point that my hands are constantly sore.

The morning anxiety is back - waking up with that feeling of dread.  I've had it all my life, but when I woke up next to her, I never felt anxious... .

So yeah.  I also think they search for people who are "a little broken" in some way, not too sure why... . maybe they think we'll be more compassionate? x

[Rameses]

My type of bipolar is what they call rapid cycling. I have been charting my moods for the last couple months, and it looks like a roller coaster. Every day I wake up it's a crapshoot as to how I'm going to feel in that day, sometimes my moods change hourly.

It is so exhausting as I try to figure out to see some sort of pattern.

The biggest pattern I see is when she tries to contact me.

It's been 4 1/2 months since I broke off our engagement, I have blocked her completely from texting or calling me. So what she does is uses a different phone that I have not blocked, and does a *67 so it shows up in my phone as "private number". The longest she has ever gone without sending me something has been nine days in the last four and half months.

Four instance, recently it was seven days of NC from her (I have never made contact with her this whole time), Then yesterday morning at 6:15 AM I got a private number call twice in a row and then that was it.

So, as I'm studying my mood charts and putting that up against when she contacts me, I am beginning to a pattern.

She goes NC for a few days, at first I get anxious that she is not contacting me, even though I know it's not good for me, but after a few days I start to feel better and feel the disengagement. Then boom like a thief in the night here comes the private number call.

Then my mind begins to think oh she is still thinking about me and caring about me and wants me, so that throws my disengagement process right down the toilet, and then I have to start all over again... . thus the roller coaster mood chart.

Yes, over the 41/2 mo breakup period the longest stretch she has gone is 9 days without an attempt to make contact with, this is driving me crazy, I just need some stability.

So that's why I'm going to see my psych doctor tomorrow to see about getting on different meds or up the ones I'm on... . I know it sounds like a copout but I really don't know what else to do right now.

[Rameses]

She just sent me 3 books... .

Book #1 "Men who can`t love: How to recognize a commitmentphobic Man before he breaks up with you"

        #2 "I used to miss him... . but my aim is Improving"

        #3 "Mr. unavailable and the fallback girl: The defenitive guide to understanding emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them.

Since I hav not responded to any of her text or emails, this was another way to put the blame on me, knowing I had to open the box and read the titles of the books.

BP`s they are cunning and slick and wicked.

And the the thing that pisses me off the most, is it still affects me!

Rather than dismissing the book titles, I start to think hey maybe I am a commitmentphobic or emotionally unavailabe... . crap this stuff never ends!

Rameses

[delusionalxox]

God Rameses that is relentless. She's really obsessed.

My BPD ex used to do that and I would always cave and feel like he loved me so much I had to go back to him. Until the final discard when he blamed me for everything and I suspect moved on to the next victim.

Can you change phone numbers? Then you know at least that she will not be able to bug you with teh private calls. Which you never answer right?

x

[Rameses]

No, I can`t change my phone numbers, they are all tied into my business.

No, I don`t ever answer the calls, I`m not sure if she even wants me to.

The reason I say that is becasue they are always right around the time when she knows I would probably just be falling asleep,

I`m pretty predictable when it comes to bedtime.

And then the last one was this Saturday morning at 6:15... . twice in a row, she knows I`m not up then.

It`s just a constant thorn in my side.

Has anyone else have a similiar call record as mine, where the ex has only gone 9 straight days in 4 1/2 mos with NC?

[Lao Tzu]

Rameses,

     This is a really interesting question about the interaction between our 'issues' and BPD.  I have defined the near insanity about my reaction to my r/s with someone I have strongly felt was a pwBPD as "I'm (more or less) OK.  You're really not at all OK." I still think that's true but, I have to admit that I was a little BPD myself at the time of the r/s (a long time ago) and I wonder whether that was part of why I was so hurt and have been so very obsessed, which is unusual for me. 

     I get that BPD folks generally want to say you're the crazy one, but mine didn't.  I also get that they seem to seek out people who are a bit needy -- which (I hate to admit) I am.  It just seems a lot more than coincidental that a pwBPD has a primary problem with abandonment and it seems that the kind of people they seek are others with abandonment issues as well.

     Could it be that the 'toxic mix' that creates all this obsession and recycling is just the kind-of-to-be-expected result of two extremely abandonment sensitive people falling in love? 

     Psychiatric symptoms seem (I'm NOT a psychiatrist!) to me as mostly just the same feelings and illogic we all experience every day, but magnified until they hurt someone.  If we accept that BPD has a range of severity from 'normals' who just display personality traits like those described for BPD all the way to those who have such severe symptoms they have to be hospitalized or even commit suicide, it might be that the difference between me and my ex is just a matter of degree.  So, maybe I should be looking at this as "I'm not OK and neither are you" or even "I'm not OK and I need to take responsibility for my own problems rather than blame you." Maybe my ex and I really were closer to 'soulmates' than I realized.  I feel a little like the old comic 'Pogo' charcter who said something like "I've seen the enemy and we are it."

     

       

[winston72]

Lao Tzu, your post reminds me of a phrase I once heard in a church teaching, "I'm not okay, you're not okay, but it's okay!"

I think this is the most accurate description of a healthy relationship... . as long as the "not okay" is not too severe!

[GreenMango]

Rameses I have a father and sister with bipolar disorder.  They both struggle during highly emotional events.  It's really hard for them, they have to be careful about the the environment and balance in there lives.  Plenty of sleep, balanced diet, therapy... . etc.  Traumatic events upset the apple cart and can trigger a full blown manic or depressive swing.

If I was bipolar, and knowing what its like being around someone with BPD, that its a very unhealthy situation. Please know its hard enough to balance a relationship of this kind and maintain emotional health, I'd bet dollars to donuts being vulnerable or suseptible to emotional mood swings will be infinitely worse and exacerbated.

What does your therapist say?  You are important, your health is important, and it may be time to start battening down the hatches against the emotional turmoil someone struggling with BPD can bring during a breakup.

[MammaMia]

Rameses

I would suggest you block her calls and unfriend her on fb or other social media.    

Once that is done, however, you will need to stop wondering if she is calling.  Move forward.  :)o not look back.