My rambling relationship and thoughts after 2 months of NC

[Corgicuddler95]

This is going to be a long post trying to somehow sum up my confusing messy thoughts since my break up, trying to understand why and how to keep going. Why? I'm not sure, maybe it will be therapeutic, maybe you can give me some feedback or thoughts about wether this break up was because of BPD, her or me or maybe I'm just wasting time till something either makes it notably better or worse. Sorry.

I've been depressed for many years, both chemically and psychologically. I have always had low self esteem and found it difficult playing the game of attraction. At 18 I tried to kill myself and while I got more stable over the next two years, it never fully went away.

When I was 20 a couple of months into my third year of university I somehow ended up dating an 18 year old girl. I'd become emotionally distant by then but she slowly broke me down. She was cute, she seemed to care, she was smart, thoughtful and we both took each other's virginity. Those first 3 months were amazing and some of the best of my life.

By the time February rolled around the scourge of depression reared its ugly head but not in me but in her. I tried best I could, I'd go round hers at 3am and hold her as she cried to sleep. I helped her go to the doctors (she has since been on a variety of medication) and start seeing a therapist. At its worst I had to take her to hospital (where she was diagnosed with BPD ) and even a psychiatric ward (one of my biggest regrets was not taking her there myself but I 'had' to work though I did spend the rest of the next day with her till she left). At this point the sex life had unsurprisingly dried up and she had decided to drop out of uni, partly due to depression and partly because she no longer enjoyed her course. She applied to start uni again at a different course but couldn't start till September 2015.

The next half a year was relatively uneventful. We were still deeply in love and cared about each other even if we weren't so physically active. She had moved back home with her parents (~3 hours away) which meant I knew she was at least safe and we tried to see each other as much as we could. The worst thing that happened was she admitted to almost doing some sexual things with another person over the Internet but I trusted her and knew she was in a bad place.

Early this year was when things became difficult. Her new cat died unfortunately which hit her hard but I was there the next day and looked after her, she eventually got a new cat. I was starting to feel less worried about her depression as she seemed far less suicidal but it is about then she began showing some anxiety being far less willing to go out, which we sometimes argued about as I knew staying in all the time would only make it worse. It's also about this time she started cultivated more friendships online and began playing an MMORPG, perhaps as a replacement for her in person relationships.

Perhaps the real turning point was this April when we went abroad by ourselves. We had the occasional argument, often about her anxiety especially since I was anxious having to basically organise the whole thing as she never takes command or takes a stance on what she wants, but overall it was nice being secluded from everything else. However even though this seemed like the perfect time to try again and me raising the idea we did not engage in sexual contact. Perhaps being alone and independent together caused some sense on engulfment.   

When we returned home she quickly headed back to her parents citing missing them and her new cat as the reason. We continued talking like normal but my crap summer began to start. My nan after battling a long illness passed away and while my gf offered to come see me all I asked was she be there for me at the funeral, but no her anxiety got in the way. I next saw her at the beginning of June for her brothers wedding. The wedding itself was nice and we still acted like a perfect couple but outside of that, when we were at hers, she seemed pretty passive aggressive. The real bad stuff started a couple weeks later.

Near the end of June I was at another funeral which reminded me how much I treasured and loved my girlfriend so on the way home I messaged her to tell her how I felt. In response she couldn't tell me if she felt the same and that she found it awkward to see me sexually anymore, both which she blamed her BPD for, but she reassured me she couldn't imagine living without me and didn't want to break up. She was meant to come see me and sort out some university stuff that weekend anyway so I'd show her how much I cared anyway but no her anxiety prevented her from coming again.

A couple days later (early July) she asked for a "break". I wanted to have the conversation in person. She was unwilling to. I wanted terms or a sense of time on the break. She didn't want to set any. She reiterated this was due to her BPD and just wanted to be single for a while and that if we both wanted to try again in the future we could. At this point I was getting increasingly bitter over her increased lack of showing interest in me and thought a break might actually be a good idea. I was weak and agreed to it.

After no talking for a week she asked me to post her something important I had of hers. I agreed and we got talking like normal. Eventually I told her that I'd done some thinking and was serious about our relationship and wanted to try again when we were both ready (I know I should have waited longer). She replied saying I was trying to guilt trip her (which she also told her online friends) and that she didn't want to be with anyone at that time. A couple days later I apologised, we talked for a couple more before I realised for my own healing I needed no contact. That was two months ago.

The only minimal contact we have had since was when I sent her the birthday presents I bought her before the "break" and a card which I but some thought into, trying to show I care but not seem clingy etc. Her reply, boiled down to a simple "thanks". She then messaged me several weeks later asking for a phone number I had, I gave her just the number but this time she replied with a thank you and a smiley, I don't think she gets how that plays with my emotions.

These two months have been the worst I've had since the bad times of depression. I've gone through a plethora of emotions. I obviously miss her, I'm angry at her for not breaking up with me to my face and obviously lying about wanting a "break" instead of a break up. I've lusted after her like never before and hit new heights of paranoia.

It's hard seeing her seemingly care about an MMO and online friends more than me. It's difficult feeling like I meant nothing in the end after all I did to try and help her.

I've read a lot about BPD through this site and others so i can a lot of her symptoms in retrospect. I was likely put in the black and maybe the holiday caused engulfment. We both play a lot of games the she played only a couple more obsessively likely as escapism and as a way of reflecting her questionable sense of identity.

I still love who she is deep down but I didn't like the relationship those last few months and I hated how she treated me in the end, I deserved to be told in person and without lies.

Today she moved back to my city and its made me anxious knowing she is free from her parents so she could be doing anything, specifically engaging in another relationship or sex but today I realised why that would bother me so much. Not because it would feel like a betrayal (though it would a bit) but because she doesn't deserve it at the moment, at least compared to me.

I may also see her next week (we will see if her anxiety stops her) which is making me anxious as I've been unable to handle some social situations just tangentially linked to her and my self esteem is at Rock bottom but at least I'll try.

I may not have been perfect (I could of handled the anxiety better) and I know there are still plenty of steps on the road to recovery but I am accepting I was a really good boyfriend. I cared, I loved and I tried my hardest. I'm going to continue working on myself, I'm hitting the gym, eating better and reading more. I will always love her and maybe if she grew up a bit and got the help she needed I'd happily give her another shot but for now I'm going to be the best me I can be and see if there is someone who I feel loves me for me not out of a need for anyone.


Thank you BPD family for being one of the many helplines I've had these last couple of months along with some great friends and family,

[SGraham]

Im sorry to hear you are struggling CC, i can definitely relate to how your r/s broke down - actually the whole progression of mine was pretty similar, thou mine happened a bit quicker. I get what you are saying about how you feel you should have been treated better in the end, my BPDexgf also broke up with me in a pretty chickensht way, over text, so i get how you feel. You clearly cared about your ex deeply and you do deserve to be treated better. Hang in there bud, you'll find a girl who can appreciate someone like you.

Best Wishes,

SG

[Tangy]

Hi CC,

I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. When we already have preexisting emotional issues, these situations seriously just put so much more pressure on them. It's like stacking wounds on top of one another. Everything you've said I can relate to. There is so much thinking that goes on in the face of all the painful emotions... .as right now you are picturing her doing many things in her parents absence, including sex. And you feel upset because you feel like you deserve this.

You are doing what I do. You are imagining up this fantastic life for her, while picturing yourself sitting in a pile of garbage. I'm stating that dramatically for a reason to try and capture the depth of the self loathing that can occur in situations like this. The truth is, you really have no idea what she's doing. Usually I say to myself, just the facts. The facts are, they broke up with you via text, and are not communicating with you at this time. In a way I think us nons do the "feelings create facts" thing too. Because we feel sad and betrayed and upset, the facts become that "they are out having the time of their lives" So since the facts are just that you know that "she broke up via text and is NC with you" what can you do with that information? Look at the guy in the mirror (you) that was a great boyfriend, that tried, that loved, that gave, that is SO BRAVE that he goes to the gym and reads even after all this. And then realize she broke up with that via text and isnt talking to that awesome guy... .the guy that held her through her depression and crying through tears. I think when we flip it that way, about what SHE DID rather than what was ":)one to us" we can begin to see how much they lose at the end of the day. You didn't lose, you still get you! You ARE the guy that is loving, caring, etc... .It's all inside of you... .and you get to carry that with you everyday. Your love was not weakness... .and ultimately the strength you're showing just by showing up to life everyday will come back to you and you will find someone that loves and respects you and is full of gratitude for you.

It is a process. I am 2 months out as well. I miss him, but I WILL NOT BACK DOWN that after I started working on myself 16 months ago that I was an amazing awesome partner and I deserved 10 times what he was giving me because I was giving him wayyy too much. Hope I helped a little. <3

[Corgicuddler95]

Thank you both

I think today I'm going to tell my two friends that live with her that I'd rather not hear about her unless I have to

[Corgicuddler95]

Today has been better than yesterday but it has been tiring. I keep thinking what if this isn't her BPD and it's just me. Can't stop thinking about being replaced and the feeling that I'm not worth anything.