Upset and nervous

[todayistheday]

uBPD Mom is scheduled to have a knee replacement in a couple weeks. It's been scheduled for some time.  She had another knee surgery last April.  She says it didn't work.  The reason that it didn't work is that she didn't follow Dr.'s orders.  She later had a run-in with previous Dr. (blaming him for being incompetent rather than taking responsibility for not following orders) and is getting this surgery from new Dr.

 

She went back to the first Dr. and cussed him out.  She now claims that she can't use the meds the Dr. prescribed to her to take because of her liver problems.  "Liver problems" was news to me -- I'm 99% sure it was a lie.  I went to help when she had that surgery but I only stayed for 3 days.  She says that they told her that PT was optional.  She said that the anesthesia made her sick.  She had claimed that anesthesia made her sick in the past yet in pre-op told anesthesiologist that she'd never had trouble.

She claims that she is a very good patient.  She's NOT, she a very bad patient.  She will say "I'm a nurse, I know better than that." (to us, not to her healthcare providers)  She graduated nursing school in 1960 and only worked for about a year.  When at a hospital, she always complains about how incompetent and lazy the nurses are.

After I left she claimed my Dad refused to feed her or take care of her.  That was an absolute lie.  My Dad is the sweetest man in the world.  He is OCD and will drive you nuts but he is  sweet.  He would do ANYTHING she (or anyone else) asked.  And not because of the fact that  he fears her but because he is a sweetheart.  She got mad because ONE TIME he fixed himself something to eat and did not fix her anything.  That was BEFORE her first surgery.  He thought she'd already fixed herself something.  If she'd asked "can you fix me xyz", he would have.  Instead, she said nothing yet held this against him for months, and continues to do so.

So in order to shield my Dad, I planned to go stay until she is on her feet enough to at least cook for herself again.  Also to make her follow Dr's orders.  She did what the Dr. said while I was there making her, but then she stopped.

My sister lives next door to them, but she is a combination of useless and fed up.  She did not go help at all when Mom started abusing Dad after the previous surgery. All my sister did was call me all upset and tell me how badly Mom was treating Dad.  That phone call was my first indication EVER (sis and I are both in our 50s) that sister has had a problem with her.  Growing up she was golden child and I was Scapegoat child in a BIG way.  Her moving next door I saw as enmeshment.  Come to find out that sister now wants AWAY from her.  She unloaded years of her personal frustration with my Mom on to me.

Now that I am distant (2 hours away), I'm not as much of a scapegoat.

So managing the situation falls on me.  If not for my Dad, I'd make Mom fend for herself. I thought I had a plan settled.  I was going to take a couple days off work until she got settled in then work remotely from their house until she was recovered.  That would be a total of 2-6 weeks out of the office.

I talked to my manager the minute I knew.  I felt like she'd said it would be fine.  Right after I got off the phone with Mom when she did not yet have a Dr. appointment, I talked to my manager and told her that I would work remotely while Mom was recovering.  She said it was fine.

So today manager asks me about my plans.  Told her one week of family sick and then 1-5 weeks of working remotely.  Manager hit the ceiling.  Said we are not allowed to work remotely for more than 5 days because we are an interactive team and need face time.  I can talk to HR and take FMLA if that doesn't work. I'm so upset.  FMLA means that I have to use all of my vacation then use unpaid time.  And how is it that my manager would rather me be totally gone for 2 months than partially available.  It just makes no sense.  I pointed out that this was NOT something that I want to do, that I'd rather be home.  And that I wanted to WORK and was setting things up so that I could do so.

Not only that, but the work was going to be my "escape" from the situation.  When Mom was operated on before, I had to sit in the room with her for 3 days watching things on TV like Dr. Phil and Dance Moms.  I sure would rather be in the next room on the computer and stopping to fix her meals, etc.

I don't know why I am SO upset about this.  My upset level is about a 7 or 8.  It was higher earlier.  I was at work crying.  My manager left for the day early, so I left too. 

I am  team leader on my project/system.  I am the only one currently on the team who understands how it works due to re-orgs, retirements, etc.  The system is a critical system at work and if it doesn't work correctly, it can be bad.  If I am forced to take leave instead of work during this time, they will NOT be able to get in touch with me if anything happens.  I know that's retaliatory, but it's how I'm feeling now.  If she doesn't want me to work, then I'm unavailable.

I had a plan that I thought would work best for everyone.  I've had this plan in place for WEEKS.  And now the rug is pulled out of that.  I'm told that I need to talk to HR about what to do.  It makes no sense. It also makes no sense that I am so upset about this.

I was already stressing about having to be at her house for extended time.  I was already feeling lonely to be away from my life, not only work, but friends, church, and activities. I'm so nervous about what' it's going to be like to be there. 

Logically, it's not reasonable to be as upset as I feel.  But I am that upset and I am far enough through my healing to be able to acknowledge that my feelings are feelings and I can't control them.

Does the upset level have to do with the fact that I was abused as a child and am now going to "help" my abuser (again, more to be the referree between her and my sweet 80 year old Dad than to nurse her)?  Is it because I was so stressed out already? 

And if any of you have had to nurse a BPD or uBPD parent for an extended period of time, any hints to survive it? 


Edited to Add:  Although my Mom is uBPD, she was hypothesized BPD by my own therapist.  Her diagnosis for me is anxiety.  That certainly matches what I'm feeling now, doesn't it?

[Kwamina]

Hi todayistheday

I remember your last post about your mother's surgery and the way she treated your dad. It's very unfortunate that she behaves this way. So she even went as far as to cuss out her doctor

How would you generally describe your working relationship with your manager? Do the two of you usually get along well?

Perhaps you could have another talk with your manager next week when the two of you have had the chance to calm down and think things over. Perhaps she misunderstood when you first talked to her and you thought it would be fine to work remotely for multiple weeks. Or perhaps she is stressed about the project and the crucial role you play in it as team leader.

I've found that the communication techniques described on this website, can also be very helpful when dealing with difficult colleagues and work situations. That's why I encourage you to take a look at some of them:

Express yourself: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

To help you deal with your anxiety it might also be helpful to take a look at our article about mindfulness:

Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind

I hope this is of some help to you as you deal with all of this

[joinedtheclub]

Hi,

I'm guessing you're feeling so upset because you took a deep breath, committed to a plan that puts you in harm's way, and now the plan is in pieces.    I've been there - come up with some sort of acceptable (not ideal) plan, and the calm that comes with having a plan is beautiful, even if you know it's going to be painful.  You've tried to gain some control over the situation, and you've now lost control.

What do do?  I'm not sure.  I wonder if you just let natural things unfold:  you follow the guidance of the manager and you simply don't help her out as much as you were going to, because you can't.

If you want to talk to your manager and bring back your old plan (to which the manager agreed!), then maybe start with the facts, trying to get agreement about the previous conversation, and build a plan from there.

This sounds exhausting and the surgery hasn't even happened yet.  I'm sorry this is going on.

JTC

[Sarah girl]

Hi, how are you feeling today? I'm sorry you are going through this. Seems like you're still trying to be there for your mom despite all the harm that can come to you in the process. I do think it's logical for you to feel as upset as you do. After all, you had found a way to survive through the whole experience and it fell through. I understand using work or distraction as a lifeline or an "out" when having to cope with the behaviours of a BPD mom. I myself am 6 months pregnant and plan to work through until I give birth just so that I don't  have to endure dealing with my mom. I'd rather go through the extreme fatigue and stressful commute. Not ideal, I know, but the alternative of accusations, delusions and psychotic episodes are far worse. I don't blame you at all. Is it possible to maybe come to some kind or compromise? Maybe shorten the time that you help her? Just because you're helping her out doesn't mean you have to entertain her the entire time. There's nothing wrong with being in the next room even though you're not working. I do hope some kind of compromise can be made. This is a very difficult situation  

[todayistheday]

Maybe shorten the time that you help her? Just because you're helping her out doesn't mean you have to entertain her the entire time. There's nothing wrong with being in the next room even though you're not working. I do hope some kind of compromise can be made. This is a very difficult situation  

I got the FMLA papers from her MD and they said continuous care for 10 weeks and 2 days or so a week until the end of the year.   There is NO WAY I will be here for 10  weeks.  I'll miss several important events in my own life!  And not only that, but I'll need a padded room after being here for the 3 weeks that  I have planned.

As far as getting away, Im in the midst of it now.  We took her home from the hospital today.  She's being very demanding.  Any time I start doing something-reading, eating, anything,  she's calling asking for something.  And I jump to keep her from yelling at my Dad.

[todayistheday]

We got home from hospital last Thursday.

Many  of the things that have happened have been predictable.

1)  PT showed us the correct way to traverse the steps into the house.  She kept insisting in PT that she needed to grab the rail with both hands, but PT showed her that I should carry her up by belt and give her my hand on the other side.  Guess which way she came into the house when we got here, and if you said using my hand and the belt, you are wrong.

2)  Before surgery, she was saying that she knew how to get up the stairs because she'd been dealing with only one knee for a long time.  I told her that after the surgery it would be different.  She insisted it would not.  This one she learned.  She's not yet been upstairs.

3)  She's not eating much, but I am getting some food into her.  When she had her other surgery, she told everyone that nobody would take care of her after I left and that Dad wouldn't feed her.  What can you do when she refuses to eat?  She says she has no appetite and knows she needs to eat.  I suggested ensure.  She initially said no.  Today she said "Maybe I'll get your Dad to get me some Ensure."

4)  They have been fussing at each other a bit.  But it doesn't seem so bad. I think I have succeeded at refereeing so far, more than I expected, so this one isn't an I told you so.  Not that it will stay that way, but I'm hoping, maybe I'm teaching them a bit.

5)  I've learned that she doesn't like questions or to be asked over.  If she asks for a glass of water from my Dad, it goes to 20 questions, "how full?  do you want ice?... .:

So she asks me for a glass of water, I fill it 3/4 way full, when going out, I'll just say in one word "Ice?".  When I bring it back to her, I ask if it's ok and stand ready to correct if it isn't. Need to teach Dad the trick.  She also doesn't like to repeat herself.  I was fixing her something she asked for and could not remember what flavor jelly she said.  I went in and owned it, I said "I forgot which flavor of jelly you want".  I didn't put it as a question and put it on myself.  She gave me the one word answer "apple" without getting mad.

6) She is acting very grateful for everything.

7)  I still have trouble with resenting her.  She watches TV constantly.  When I see happy mothers and children, I look at her and want to cry and the resentment bubbles up.  I am floating for the most part between steps 16-20 in the healing chart to the right. Seeing the happy families bring me back to step 4, realizing that I was robbed of a "normal childhood".

8)  Enmeshed sister who lives next door sat with us through the day of surgery (Tuesday).  She did not visit Wednesday.  Thursday, she stopped by for a couple hours while her son was in an athletic practice down the road.  Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, she's stopped by and visited about an hour each day, not done anything to help.  While my Dad is carrying her son to school in the mornings.  While my parents gave her 12+ free years of babysitting, starting in 1992 and are still providing rides for the youngest and helping with college expenses for the middle child.  I've said this before, but when sister bought the house next door 18 years ago, she made the comment "I'm going to have to take care of them when they get old."  DH and I laughed then.  Somehow I don't resent sister's behavior, which does fall into the "I told you so category. I note it and am not surprised by it.  I am surprised that I don't resent it at all.

9)  I mentioned in the previous posts that I brought a bottle of wine and a bottle of xanax in case I needed something for the anxiety.  There was one day that I considered bringing out the wine, I posted that day.  So far since then, it's been ok enough that I've not needed either one.

There's much more, bottom line is I am surviving.  If it weren't for the effect my not being here would have on 80 year old nBPD dad, I would not be here. 

[Kwamina]

Hi todayistheday

I can imagine that being there with your mom and dad is a stressful time yet I also see from your post that you seem to be handling things quite well so far. You sound in control

It's too bad your sister doesn't really do anything to help, but based on your past experiences this indeed probably is what could have been expected.

Take care as you deal with this situation a while longer