Introduction. Hi, I'm codependent and I think my ex may have BPD - Need advice

[focus]

Hi all and thank you for your posts and for keeping this message board up and running. It has been so helpful I can not begin to explain.

I'm in my mid 30's, divorcing and left extremely hurt and with a huge question mark by my soon to be ex wife.

I did a lot of reading trying to grasp what happened and to find ways to help me heal.

I discovered:

My soon to be ex wife shows loads of BPD traits.

I am codependent.

My soon to be ex wife:

Is an addict.

Two long term relationships (me (her longest RS) and her kids father)

Loads of 2-4 months relationships (she just disappeared)

Her father never showed any interest in getting to know her

Her mother may be a narcissist (she was adopted) Not loving and often told her she looked at her as her friend, not her daughter

She is the black sheep, while her younger sister is the golden child

Her go-to place when she sobered up was her grandparents place, where she was showered in love and they would act as if nothing happened. She would stay there for few weeks or few months, until she relapsed

Both her grandparents have passed away (now she has no go-to place to be showered in love)

She has PTSD after being raped (approx. 9 months before we met)

She has three children with her ex (the only other long term relationship she had) and the kids live with their father

The relationship with her ex was very abusive, from both ends and got very ugly (she got pregnant very early in the relationship)

Before we met had never been in recovery for over a year. Usually just for a few months.

Her kids father has been in recovery for more than 8 years, is doing very good in life and is married.

She was a victim of a predator, her mother's ex boyfriend. She thought she was in love, he was a drug dealer and got her hooked when she was 14. She still had him on a pedestal until our relationship went south.

Our relationship:

Her longest by far and although a dysfunctional relationship, her healthiest by far.

She choose to stay, not because she was trapped with children or anything

She got clean and was in recovery for 6 years

She was happy

She managed to clean up a lot of mess, regained trust with her sister and old friends

She got her children back, was allowed to be around as much as she wanted. Kids stayed with us every other weekend, one workday each week and every days off of school (summer, holidays etc.) This had not been possible before

She regained trust among friends and family. Was very active and helpful regarding her children

The relationship between us and her kids father and his wife was very good and healthy, cooperation on all ends. The children were no. 1 priority and everybody were on the same page

She helped me with my self esteem and low self image, supported me through school

I helped her, was very supportive and I think overall a great husband and stepdad.

Breakup and aftermath

She relapsed, found new friends she drank and did drugs with

Trigger, her mind was on her predator, she was thinking about these times due to certain circumstances. She didn't want to confide in me because I saw the predator as a child molester only. She had "good memories" she "wanted to keep separated" so she confided on one of her new addict "friend"

She starts to devalue me

Drug use and drinking becomes more heavy

She finds out the predator was a liar and a child molester not her lover

Triangulates me with the addict friend

Cheats and discards me

Addict moves in (without my knowledge - I went out to give us space)

Once I found out I go No Contact

There was a lot that happens between the cheat/discard and complete no contact, including violent threat.

Shortly after the threat, that was the last time I spoke to her on the phone, she starts reaching out. Sent me couple of e-mails claiming she loves me still and has always done. The other one was about her packing my personal stuff, her crying while doing so and that she needed to move on and had to believe she was doing the right thing, and that she would always love me... .

I had friends pick up my stuff. She told my friend she cheated (taking responsibility) and that she went to far during our last communication (taking responsibility again).

She has tried to contact me, called and sent texts ever since. At first she used "practical divorce related stuff" as an excuse to call (she was told by my friend that she would go through him regarding everything that needed taking care off and not to contact me) I would know because once I didn't answer her many attempts she would text. Sometimes she only sent text with nothing in it except a heart.

At one point, there were 15 days between attempts to call and text. Then again 17 days. Sometimes she would call a few times then text me only a heart. Now I get "out of the blue" texts, with no "reason" behind it. Last text she said she found it difficult not hating me.

Her addict friend is still living with her. She is still using and drinking. I've been NC since mid June.

I'm trying to figure out what her motives might be.

Am I being "evil" enforcing NC since she has BPD traits?

If there is something she needs/wants me to know, why not text me or mail me since I don't want to talk?

What should I do?

I went NC to protect myself. She hurt me a lot. I needed to distance myself.

Sorry if the post is messy, it was so long at first. I was trying to shorten it, while still keeping the most important things in, as points.

[Invictus01]

You should walk. If you suspect any kind of personality disorder, that is the only thing you can do. You can't fix it. You can't fix her. You need to protect you.

[13YearGoodbye]

What should I do?

I went NC to protect myself.

I recommend that you continue to protect yourself... .

[UndauntedDad]

Focus,

Good name.  Keep doing that.  Focus on you, not on her.  I've been very codependent as well, exiting a 14yr marriage with uBPD wife.  It's very hard to let go, to hold back from constantly helping her when she is in distress.

I used to think, "She needs me!" but now I think, "She needs help!"

But I can't really help her anymore.  I'm not a therapist, I have my own issues, and my efforts didn't really work, anyway.

Try to take care of yourself.  It might be hard; for me it was.  Have some fun and remember your value.  You did your best, there is no shame in leaving; many people would have left earlier.  Some would have stayed.  It's a personal decision, but you need to do what YOU need to do to be healthy, not what she or anyone else tells you.

Good luck!

[enlighten me]

Hi Focus

Welcome to the family.

We all have questions and doubts and it can be a very confusing time.

I too felt guilt from finishing with my exgf for my own sanity. I dint know about BPD at the time and I don't know if that was a blessing or not. Part of me would have felt guilty for abandoning a sick person and would have wanted to fix her. Another part of me would have seen the reality that only she could help herself and I needed to get out.

NC is not evil if done the right way. By telling your ex you need the space to heal and your not doing it to punish her then you have explained and given a boundary. Its when people ghost their exs that I feel is wrong. By cutting of ties with no explanation it can be more problematic. I can understand ghosting if the ex was abusive and dangerous. I don't feel its the right thing to do morally if that isn't the case.

The behaviour can be very confusing and they are all individuals so pwBPD will do things for different reasons.

Which particular behaviour is it your trying to work out? Is it the constant texting? Is it the hate you part? Or is it the friend?

Keep posting it helps. We all can sympathise as we all have been through very similar situations.

EM

[focus]

Thank you all for your replies.

Since I'm a good person, I will not be able to never speak or see her ever again because I'm still very involved with her children. I see them every week and do stuff with them through their father. The kids are no 1 priority and still are. I won't leave them because they still want me in their lives and I want them in mine. Just yesterday the oldest (14 yrs) called me crying because something had happened. He didn't call his dad or stepmom first, he called me. I will be there for him and the kids for as long as they need and/or want me.

I also found out yesterday that my upwBPD hasn't seen nor heard from the kids since early August. No attempts to call just to check on them, just total silence. The reason I heard was because last week she sent me a message regarding her dog. Me and her dog were really close and he's old. The message said the dog is going to the vet in the end of the month for a check up, and after the check up they will make a desision about the rest (if she will have him put to sleep or not). I wanted to see what the kids father and stepmother knew about the dogs health and if they knew his health was getting that bad. They had heard nothing. Surely she would have let them know so the kids could have their goodbyes. She let me know so I could meet the dog before or whatever else I wanted and I just need to contact her.

The time of the message bothered me because of the other messages and call attempts, the wording of the message reads like a "trap" to have me contact her and now that the kids haven't been notified.

The "hate" message also baffles me. I'm just trying to figure out what she wants. Why she calls and sends random heart messages and other nessages like "I only think fondly of you" and stuff.

Why doesn't she just text me what it is she wants?

[focus]

I am focusing on myself as much as I can. I'm seeing a therapist weekly, just started going to CoDA meetings. I have a very good and suportive family and friends who listen to me talk and talk.

I meet the kids at least once a week, often more often. That helps. I'm doing everything I can that I can handle. Next step is going to the gym when I'm ready.

But it is hard not thinking about her when the calling and messaging is going on. Sometimes I get calls from numbers I don't tecognize, unlisted numbers. When that starts it's just one call, no reattempts 20 minutes later and no messages. I usually get these for a few days then it stops and I get a week off.

[enlighten me]

Hi Focus

Its sounds like your going in the right direction.

Hitting the gym and hobbies are a good distraction. They give your mind a break and let it recover.

I found that for me setting a goal and working towards it helped. I have my dream home that one day I would like to have. If I need a distraction I look to this. Whether its how to do a certain job such as plastering or fixtures and fittings that I want. I know that I will probably never achieve it but I think dreams are important as without them then life is mundane.

[focus]

I guess I'm caught up in the FOG.

Fear for her life, that she'll OD or something.

Obligation torwards her children and her.

Guilt, I feel she wants me to save her, take her out of the situation she has gotten her self into. I feel selfish not doing so. I feel like I owe it to the kids throwing myself in the lions pit so they can have a change having their mom back. I feel terrible ignoring her calls and messages.

EM, goals are important. I have been putting goals to work at.

I started small, like treating my self and bought new clothes, my newest atchivement was going to a CoDA meeting and posting on this forum, so my goals are small still.

[nolisan]

Another person mentioned CoDA - I highly recommend it. And ACoA: Adult Children of Alcoholics (AND dysfunctional families). I have learned so much about myself. I don't need to repeat the past and now see the patterns that took me into my BPD r/s.

Today I am truly grateful to the BPD r/s - it took me to CoDA and ACoA and a new life.