Just having a bad day and wondering

[helpmewithbpd]

Hi  iknow I'm just having a bad day today with things and things hopefully will get better but I'm wondering why my ex BPD has just completely cut me off from a couple weeks after we broke up,  what make sure them do this,  it wasn't a bad break up but we both realised it was toxic relationship but we were talking fine and a couple girls added me on Facebook and we had spoke about that then she just completely cut me off saying to stay out of her life and she wants nothin to do with,  I'm just trying to understand what make them don't his loke what are they thinking?... .

[helpmewithbpd]

Another thing I've been wondering about sawhen iIenter her a couple weeks ago after 3 months NC when we had a bit of a cross word exchange she said she didn't know me any more and iIsaid to her you do know me,  I'm the person I've always been and asked her to look at me she said " I can't look at you" that's been playing on my mind big time

[enlighten me]

Hi HMWBPD

I cant say for certain but this seems to be a pattern that is quite common. The initial two weeks of little contact going into NC could be that it took her that long to stop thinking of you as black and then the guilt kicked in. She may have realised that you weren't all bad and she has messed up.

The guilt may also explain not being able to look you in the eye.

[helpmewithbpd]

She said to me that she was struggling with the break up and sister want to get back together so she went and slept with some 1 so she couldn't come back to me,  that happened 3 weeks after we broke up one week into going completely no contact

[enlighten me]

The guilt and shame of what she did seems the most likely in this case. My exgf never wanted anyone to think bad of them so would go out of her way to avoid this. The more she thought of people the more worried she was.

The fact that she told you what she did as hurtful as it may be, shows that she was desperate to break the connection to you. If you hadn't of mattered to her she wouldn't have gone to extremes.

Sorry if this reply seems a bit rambling but Im finding it hard to concentrate as someone is chain sawing outside my window.

EM

[helpmewithbpd]

That's ok,  it kind of makes sense,  it's just weird like how different we think iI wouldn't sleep any1 while she matter to me,  just wierd how their mind works,  really hard knowing she's just wiped me and now with someone else and it's like i never mattered that's all

[enlighten me]

Like I said its not a case of you didn't matter its a case of how she copes and deals with things.

We all react differently. Just because the way we deal with things seems more healthy doesn't mean that its what works for someone else.

I like to look at things from the stance of emotional immaturity. When I have trouble with a behaviour I try and see it as that of a child and why a child does things.

My favourite one is a child that is about to have a birthday party but does something wrong so the party gets cancelled. The child rages, blames their parents, hates them. The child doesn't see their responsibility for their actions. The child storms off to their room and sulks. Eventually the child creeps out and checks up on the parents. Tries to gauge their mood. If the parent tries to interact the child runs back to their room. The child ten starts to see their part in it. They realise that they are at fault. They feel guilt and shame. Eventually the child comes out and either lurks on the side until the parents pull them back in or acts as if nothing has happened.

Sound familiar?

[helpmewithbpd]

Hmmm yes yes it does,  makes complete sense when you put it that way that part of it.  It's very complex isn't it

[enlighten me]

It is complicated and very sad.

I hope that being able to look at it from this perspective can help you as much as it did me.

A lot of the behaviours can be looked at this way and it helped me to not only rationalise it but to be more compassionate. You cant blame a child for child like behaviour and even though they are an adult they haven't grown emotionally into one.

Im not saying this is 100% correct I am just saying that for me it works and sometimes we need something that just works rather than a concrete fact.

EM

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah i understand what you mean though and it does make sense to all of it,  it's all hard to sallow matter what the situation but it all helps to move on or try to move forward,  thank you

[helpmewithbpd]

Just had another kick in the arse tonight found out she's been posting things on social media about me,  saying she's heard enough lies and all that from me and this is all still coming after months of no contact and all these little quotes and stuff which are really hurtful just seems iIcan't make any head way today at all

[enlighten me]

I wouldn't take it at face value. I know it hurts and seems so unjust.

Again look at it from a childs perspective.

Imagine it set in a playground. You fall out with a friend and they do these hurtful things. They accuse you of stuff and gather a group of followers to them. You ignore it but they keep on.

Why do you think a child does this?

Is it because theyre hurt and want to hurt you? That theyre trying to get your attention and hope you will rise to it so they can show everyone they were right?

By seeing beyond it you can sometimes feel less pain from it.

It may sound far fetched at this moment in time. I know I would have had a hard time listening to this advice in the early stages. All I can say is that by doing this now it takes some of the sting out of things for me.

EM

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah it definitely helps,  it is hard knowing that she can really hold a grudge like no one I've ever met before,  a close friend told me she is just after attention and things,  maybe hoping I'd go and calm ot of with her like ialways used to do but don't do it any more   idon't think it is that though,  I think she has really painted me black atm and is acting like a child like you said,  it's such an awful feeling though

[enlighten me]

This is one of the hardest parts of it. The fact that they paint you black and continue to try and connect with you.

It feels as if they must really hate you and never had feelings for you. The opposite to this is probably closer to the truth.

If you had no feelings for someone you would move on and not even think of them. The fact that she is keeping this up and reaching out shows she had feelings for you. I personally feel the more they paint you black and the more they stir things up just indicates how strongly they felt.

Your friend is right. She is after attention. The hardest thing for a pwBPD to cope with seems to be abandonment and by going NC you have triggered this. They do eventually get the message.

EM

[helpmewithbpd]

I'm happy to have contact with her if she wants it but she is the one that doesn't want it,  and want nothin to do with me at all,  that's the part I don't understand,  or is it that she really does have to hate me to move on

[enlighten me]

Would it be easier for you to move on if you hated her?

[helpmewithbpd]

The silly thing is i should hate her after everything that's happened,  iIreally should she was dodgy and took me for a ride,  and yes it definitely would make it easier,  i guess that kind of answers the question,  I just can't bring myself to hate her I'm just not that type of person

[enlighten me]

You don't have to hate the person. You can hate what they did and how it made you feel though.

Im not a hateful person. My family especially my mum would like nothing more than to see my exs suffer and cant understand why I don't want revenge. Yes I have thought about it but what would that make me?

Some people here say that you have to forgive them. Others say they can never be forgiven. We each have to decide what sits comfortably with us. I don't think I can forgive my exs for what they did as even with the disorder they still had a choice. This doesn't mean that I hate them though. It doesn't mean I want them to suffer. It just means that I cant accept what they did as being out of their control.

There are some lessons in life we need to hold onto to prevent a repeat. This for me is one of them.

EM

[helpmewithbpd]

There's no way i could ever hate anyone,  but yes I hate what she's done and i really dislike what she's up to now,  iI understand the traits of BPD still find it hard to understand why she is with someone else now that's only 4 years older that her son and keeps posting all this stuff about me,  I understand what you said earlier,  I'm just a person that would much rather be nice no matter how the break up went and look forward to being friends down the road if we bumped into each other,  thanks for your time it helped to ground me a bit to ask you

[helpmewithbpd]

Other thing that I keep thinking and wondering is why this time is so much different to the others,  other times she would never want to lose me as a friend or anything but this time she wants nothing at all to do with me and says she never wants anything to do with me again

[enlighten me]

From what I can understand when a pwBPD enters into a relationship they have expectations from their partner. A picture of the perfect partner and in the beginning you are that person. Slowly even though your doing nothing more than being human your perfect image is eroded. They don't get that nobody's perfect so they can feel cheated and lied to. They can break up and miss you and recycle you and in the beginning its all good again. Then the little imperfections appear again and they are reminded that your not the image of perfection they want.

This can happen a number of times before they decide that they cant do it anymore and cut ties for good.

The fact that you weren't a bad person and that they had feelings for you makes it hard for them to be around you so friends isn't likely to happen. You become their trigger.

[helpmewithbpd]

That makes me understand a little more,  it's hard to accept but makes sense why she doesn't really talk to many of her exs,  I'm her longest relationship and i know i she was treated alot better by me than any1 else she was with so iI guess that will make it harder for her

[enlighten me]

It took a long time for me to see things that I did wrong with regards to my exgf. I had treated her well, I had taken care of her and her kids, I housed and fed them, paid all the bills etc etc.

What I didn't realise was that some of the things I thought I was doing right and doing well for her weren't.

Things like not telling her stuff as I didn't want her to worry I can now see as me being secretive. If Im keeping secrets what else aren't I telling her? Am I lying about other things?

Not rising to the arguments I saw as me remaining calm. Did she see it as me not caring and just ignoring her feelings?

All these little things add up and in the end the doubts and feelings overwhelm them. They may have moments of clarity where they see that you were a good guy doing your best and you truly loved them but they cant get over the feelings. A bit like a phobia. You can rationalise that its only a spider and cant hurt you but put one in a room with you and the feelings overwhelm the rational thinking.

[helpmewithbpd]

Very similar story,  iI didn't let on to much about money and bills and things if they got tight for the same reason iknew how much she worried about her own money and things like that so when i ever mentioned we tight this week for money she thought I was being secretive and things so I can completely relate to this because she said all the time what else arnt I telling her so I do get this and respect it is my mistake as well i definitely don't blame her for everything,  I know we are both to blame for things

[enlighten me]

In a way I kind of look at it as going to a foreign country where you don't speak the language and ordering a meal. You don't always get what you wanted. Its not your fault you cant speak the language and its not the waiters fault they couldn't understand you. Neither of you are on the same page so to speak.

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah i completely get that part,  she used to always say we were never on the same Page,  didn't matter how hard i'd try it just never seemed to met up with the Page she was on.  I guess it is normal for them to hold a grudge for like forever as well?

[enlighten me]

Im not sure whether they hold a grudge or whether its more to do with feelings that are evoked. A grudge feels more controlled where as what they do seems more reactive if that makes sense.

You keep a grudge going all the time. Hence the phrase hold a grudge. I don't think they hold onto it I just think their feeling get triggered again.

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah i guess that makes sense,  so even just seeing walking past so to speak may even be trigger enough to set it all off again

[enlighten me]

Think of it as a phobia.

[helpmewithbpd]

Well that sounds like the one that my ex is struggling with I think